Your 'aha! moment

[Audrey]

Hi everyone,

 

I wanted to ask around, what was your "aha!" moment? In other words, the moment you knew you were transgender (or moments, maybe). I'm sorry if this has been done before, I'm still kinda new to the forums here. And my apologies to those of you who are questioning. I know how challenging a time that is, because it certainly was for me.

 

My "aha!" moment was back in college as an undergraduate some 20+ years ago. It was a cold winter's night one weekend and I was by myself in my dorm room. For years beforehand, I'd had thoughts in my mind that I was not really a guy and instead supposed to be a girl, with things from my childhood and teenage years causing me to question who I was. So I typed into Altavista on Netscape (anyone remember that search engine and browser from the 90's?): "guys who wish they were girls." That's when I discovered that I wasn't alone, and that my experience was in fact shared by others and there were even websites and communities out there for people like me. I think a few of those sites might still be live to this day. It was an incredibly affirming and illuminating discovery, and though I didn't act on it for years after that, it stands out in my mind as the moment I truly knew myself. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Abi]

I had a lot of little nudges from different experiences but, the moment that I realized my personality was seen as female by many online interactions was very affirming. It felt right. I was scared that I was being untruthful about my identity and told some people about my feelings. They immediately started supporting me and giving little words of encouragement. I spent most of my life being scared of the way I felt, even though I was drawn to it too. I think I always knew but, I didn't know how to navigate it and no one in my life seemed like they would understand. I thought I was crazy for a long time before I found other people that had similar feelings and thoughts. I am so glad I found people to talk to, even if it was just online for a long time. That helped a lot.

[Sally Stone]

For me, there wasn't really an aha moment.  Instead, it took a lot of soul searching and learning to finally realize I was trans.  It was akin to putting a puzzle together, so, it wasn't until late in assembly that the picture was clear enough to see.

[Jackie C.]

I'm not sure I had one.

 

I remember "pretending to be a girl" as early as age three (-ish, I know it was in the apartment in Wayne and I was two-three then. I remember getting my third birthday card from my grandmother in that apartment). That never really went away though the method changed. Once I was old enough it turned into playing female RPG characters and later female video game characters (once video games were advanced enough for that to be a thing.) So quiet desperation from age three to forty-eight.

So for full disclosure, I had been told by a doctor when I was about twelve that I wouldn't live to see forty because of my health issues. That colored a lot of decisions growing up. In addition, I realized that my parents (well, one of them, it turns out that dad is OK) were really homophobic, so I was raised in that kind of environment. My plan was to run out the clock and take some solace where I could in escapist fantasy games. I knew the people around me wouldn't accept me for who I was so I just kind of mashed everything down where it could ferment into the kind of bile that really poisons every single aspect of your life.

 

So in February of 2018, I had a "No more," moment. I realized that I was forty-eight and felt... well, not fantastic. I'd been trying suicide by neglect since my teens and my body was kind of a wreck. The thing is that I realized that I absolutely could not pretend anymore. Not one more day.

My spouse was going out of town, so I purchased some, um, supplies and went full femme about the second her car was out of sight. It was amazing. I stayed that way the entire week, reluctantly putting "Jackie" back in her box when my wife called to say she was almost home. The next day I made an appointment to see a therapist. I absolutely could not go back.

I started working out. Is Jackie a slob? No she is NOT. I started working more around the house. Jackie doesn't live in a dump. I started taking better care of myself, my wife and my life. Jackie is a strong, nurturing woman and would not stand for the things I had done to myself and other people while I was wallowing in depression. Jackie is all the best parts of me and I'd been keeping her locked up for a very long time.

I managed to keep it from my wife for a month. It was absolutely killing me to do it. Fortunately, she's onboard and supports her wife.

 

So yeah, not really an "Aha!" moment. More like an, "I simply cannot," moment. I wore myself down.

 

Hugs!

[LaurenA]

I guess I'm still waiting for that aha moment where is all fits and feels right.  I also tried suicide but by alcohol.  It was only recently that a therapist led me to the realization I could be trans.  That depressed even more as I denied it.  I finally turned the corner when I realized it was transphobia.   Since that point I'm moving ahead and looking forward to learning more about myself.

[Mx.Drago]

Wasn't an "aha," more like a "ohhh." Always knew bout myself and what I wanted, but didn't have the terms and labels to define the being or desire, until much later. Didn't really care much for the terms or labels as a child. Just knew I couldn't trust anybody about it, they'd just call me crazy and throw me to the doctors to fix. Started with the hard inner questions, around the end of HS and start of college. It's like the call of the wild starts clawing its way out from within. Despite all the ignoring and suppression, your feathers be growing in full and now you need to find the calling for the form you bare, so you can call to others to roam with. Nowadays there be more definition and a bit more understanding. But "ohhh," was definitely my simple expression of understanding at the moment.

Just kept reading the words over and over again. Making sure it was right, and these were the terms and labels I fitted to. Wasn't exactly a happy moment either, it felt like my box just got smaller and less desirable, but at least I had the terms and labels for my box.

[HollyElizabeth]

I was 11, I always wanted to wear my moms and sisters cloth. I was caught may times but that didn't stop me. It was 2am and I was wearing my moms waitress uniform and I looked in the mirror and that's when I knew that I was trans. I never got excited when I would put on moms things, I knew what I was doing was right. It's like the saying "When you know you know!", and I knew. I didn't see myself as trans, I didn't even know what a trans person was. I just thought I was supposed to be born a girl. Someone made a mistake but it was too late for me. so I suffered in silence just resenting my sister for just being born a girl. It should have been me.

[JamieGee]

My story is very similar.  I started dressing as a girl around age 12 and continued for quite some time before I stopped due to the potential issues in school.  As others have mentioned,  I never considered it cross dressing or even being trans.  It was just being me.  I always felt that I was female and just unfortunately equipped with the wrong parts.

 

So, I guess that there wasn't any specific moment or time when it came to me that I might be trans.  I knew all along and it just took some time to accept my true self.  

 

 

 

 

[KathyLauren]

There were lots of moments that could have - should have - been "Aha!" moments.  But the human mind is more devious than I would have imagined, and I talked myself out of it every time.  I knew something was up when I realized that my cross-dressing was more than just an erotic thrill.  It made my feel happy.  But my internal transphobia still wouldn't let me take that thought any farther.

 

But the penny finally dropped when I heard a trans woman deliver a scientific lecture to a large audience.  If she could do it and not get any "nudge-nudge, wink-wink" comments, so could I.

[Audrey]

Thank you everyone who commented and shared their stories!

 

7 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

My spouse was going out of town, so I purchased some, um, supplies and went full femme about the second her car was out of sight. It was amazing. I stayed that way the entire week, reluctantly putting "Jackie" back in her box when my wife called to say she was almost home. The next day I made an appointment to see a therapist. I absolutely could not go back.

This is *exactly* how I felt every time I had the house to myself growing up, and again every time my college roommate was away during the weekends. I had the freedom to express myself without fear or judgment. Unfortunately, I kept Audrey hidden away for way longer and much to my own detriment. No longer!

 

7 hours ago, LaurenA said:

I guess I'm still waiting for that aha moment where is all fits and feels right.  I also tried suicide but by alcohol.  It was only recently that a therapist led me to the realization I could be trans.  That depressed even more as I denied it.  I finally turned the corner when I realized it was transphobia.   Since that point I'm moving ahead and looking forward to learning more about myself.

Lauren, I hope you'll reach the clarity about yourself you've been seeking. When you do, I'm hopeful you'll feel a sense of calmness inside that's been elusive before.

 

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

But the penny finally dropped when I heard a trans woman deliver a scientific lecture to a large audience.  If she could do it and not get any "nudge-nudge, wink-wink" comments, so could I.

I'm reminded of the time just before the pandemic that I met another trans woman in person, and that was like the green light for me. I had the same thought as you - if she could, so could I. Ended up coming out to her not long after that.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[MirandaB]

Thought for my whole life I could get through it by being a closeted crossdresser. Then over the last few years realized it wasn't enough. Then I took some pics where I imagined myself outside and once that happened I was thinking that if I didn't do it I'd get to the end of my life and I would just a mountain of regret. 

[Elizabeth Star]

I didn't really have any aha moments, I had suspected I was all a long. For me the big moment was when I finally acknowledged and then accepted it. It's a long story, I'll spare everyone from having to read it.

[Emily michelle]

I never really had an aha moment. I started when I was young but stopped out of fear of being caught. I put it out of my mind for many years. Then out of nowhere I tried on some of my wife’s underwear and it all came back I tried to deny for a few years but I just kept progressing even though I wouldn’t admit it. Eventually it got to the point it consumed me and I couldn’t hide and I finally broke down. My wife had already asked me twice if was transgender and both times I denied it. When I told my wife she was like I already knew 

[MetaLicious]

While I have known since a young age that I would have preferred to have been born female, and even came out to the GLBT community at work in my early twenties, I didn't really have an "Ah ha!" moment until a bit over a year ago.

 

It was precipitated by a dream I had, one of my many dreams of being a woman.  In this particular dream, I had a feminine face, but was otherwise still male,if you get my drift.  Despite that, I went out into the world, eager to show my new face to everyone.

 

That dream stuck with me, and I couldn't escape the need to present outwardly the person I was inwardly.  I felt that I would end my life deeply regretful if I didn't make the changes I knew I needed.

[Linnea]

For me, it wasn't so much a single "aha" moment as it was a bunch of smaller moments that finally wove together where I acknowledged that I was transgender.

 

When I was young I remember dressing up in my sister's and mom's clothes, wondering why I was different from them. I knew that something wasn't quite right with me, but I'd never even heard of the word transgender. It was a very confusing and rather painful part of my life, where on the surface I seemed perfectly normal but underneath I felt increasingly tortured.

 

By the time I realized that I wished I had been born female, I didn't know what to do about it. I felt like I was cursed with these feelings, and I tried my best to forget it all. I was very desperate to be normal, so I bottled up all my emotions and ignored them for a couple decades. But that's not a healthy way to live. I'd lied to myself that I was fine for so long that I didn't see how my life was crumbling around me. Eventually it all became too much for me to control anymore.

 

It was during my time in therapy for attempted suicide that I was finally able to process my feelings. I had been dreading it and avoiding it, but I knew that if I was to truly heal, this was something that I couldn't ignore anymore. It was a very strange feeling, almost surreal, talking to my therapist that day. We were about to wrap up the session when I said that I had one more thing to say. I almost didn't bring it up, it was a very spur of the moment thing, but now I'm sure that my decision to talk about it was one of the best decisions I've made in my life so far.

 

That was the moment where all the pieces wove together and I was able to have some honest self reflection. So I guess those are my "aha" moments.

 

~Linnea

[Abi]

11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I started working out. Is Jackie a slob? No she is NOT. I started working more around the house. Jackie doesn't live in a dump. I started taking better care of myself, my wife and my life. Jackie is a strong, nurturing woman and would not stand for the things I had done to myself and other people while I was wallowing in depression. Jackie is all the best parts of me and I'd been keeping her locked up for a very long time.

I managed to keep it from my wife for a month. It was absolutely killing me to do it. Fortunately, she's onboard and supports her wife.

I really like the way you describe this. I have had so many similar moments. Except my wife had to go because she was not even accepting of me on any basic level that wasn't a service to her. I had reached a point of knowing I had to many reasons to desire my freedom. I'm way happier now, that's for sure.

[TTheta]

Growing up I was a serious tomboy and I made sure everyone knew it, this was before I knew Trans was a thing. I remember going to McDoanald's and even sometimes I would tell the drive thru working that I wanted a boy's toy. I was rowdy and honestly pretty obnoxious (Probably still am) and I just never connected with girls my age, they all wanted to play house and dolls while I was out catching bugs, which we settled for a happy medium, while they built fairy houses, I brought rocks and twigs and bugs for the houses, while they built. My parents usually commented on the fact that I was more manly than my brother and I had such pride from that statement, of course at the time they were thinking it hurt my feelings, but then when I came out they just stopped telling me that. But I kinda always knew that I wasn't a girl, I knew I was a boy, even before I knew it was possible. But my 100% aha moment was when 2 friends and I were in my bathroom and we all tucked our hair into hats and let a little stick out to make us look like guys, and that is when I knew 100% the euphoria I felt just looking at myself. (Pre-puberty so I didn't have a chest) 

[Red_Lauren.]

Similar to how the op discovered it, but mine was a mistake. I was 15/16 at the time, and doing what teenagers did. I was looking at adult pictures. We all know how dial up was then. So the picture loaded from the top to the bottom, and it was a beautiful blond, but as the pictures loaded more. There was male genitals. I never heard of transgender people at that time, and thought it was fake. 

 

After a few Google searches. I discovered it wasn't fake, and over the next few months. I figured out I was trans. 

[Audrey]

8 hours ago, RhondaS said:

 I was thinking that if I didn't do it I'd get to the end of my life and I would just a mountain of regret. 

This. At work I talk to people much older than myself regularly, and whenever they talk about things they wish they'd done in their lives, I realized I didn't want to be the one saying that in my own future.

 

8 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

Eventually it got to the point it consumed me and I couldn’t hide and I finally broke down.

That's how my own denial ended up going too, until the point it was at critical mass of anxiety and depression in early 2019. When complete strangers would ask me if I was okay, it was a sign I couldn't hide anymore either.

 

6 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

It was precipitated by a dream I had, one of my many dreams of being a woman.  In this particular dream, I had a feminine face, but was otherwise still male,if you get my drift.  Despite that, I went out into the world, eager to show my new face to everyone.

 

That dream stuck with me, and I couldn't escape the need to present outwardly the person I was inwardly.  I felt that I would end my life deeply regretful if I didn't make the changes I knew I needed.

I've had vivid dreams like these as well, though more often when I was younger than now. I remember waking up from several of them feeling very disoriented, then disappointed, then depressed. Why couldn't those have been real?

 

5 hours ago, Linnea said:

I knew that something wasn't quite right with me, but I'd never even heard of the word transgender. It was a very confusing and rather painful part of my life, where on the surface I seemed perfectly normal but underneath I felt increasingly tortured.

I got *really* good at wearing a (metaphorical) mask over my true feelings as well. I was particularly good at using humor to deflect people away from any real feelings of mine, so naturally people assumed that I was just a "funny guy" when in fact I was mired in a world of depression much of the time.

 

3 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

I remember going to McDoanald's and even sometimes I would tell the drive thru working that I wanted a boy's toy.

This sparked a memory of mine. As a kid, I remember going to a Children's Palace (in theTwin Cities) with several "girls" toys and telling my mother I wanted them for my birthday. She told me to put them all back, but secretly I wonder if she didn't think they were appropriate for me.

 

1 hour ago, Red_Lauren. said:

I was 15/16 at the time, and doing what teenagers did. I was looking at adult pictures.

Whenever I did this, I kept thinking - I didn't want to be with her, I wanted to *be* her.

 

Thanks again for sharing your stories... I'm fascinated to read everyone's path to discovery and how there are often similar threads weaved among them.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KayC]

My experience is very similar to @KathyLauren's, and it was more of a journey than a specific moment.  But my ah-hah moment of finally achieving self-acceptance was therapy session #3 .. then everything started to fall into place, and looking back there was a lot of "ah-hahhhhh!" .. now that makes sense. 

[Niamh]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

My experience is very similar to @KathyLauren's, and it was more of a journey than a specific moment.  But my ah-hah moment of finally achieving self-acceptance was therapy session #3 .. then everything started to fall into place, and looking back there was a lot of "ah-hahhhhh!" .. now that makes sense. 

 

This is probably the closest to mine. I had agonised over whether I was a cross-dresser or trans or what, and after my 4th or 5th session with my counsellor it was a revelation that I was Genderfluid. I love being a woman, but I'm comfortable being a man. I need to be a woman at times and not just a man in a dress. I want to undertake HRT in order to hopefully experience the emotional aspects of being a woman and this doesn't align with being a cross-dresser. I now accept where I am in the transgender spectrum and am comfortable with who I am. I acknowledge that if/when I undertake HRT I may decide that my female side is the dominant and become a trans woman, but I am making no pre-judgement about that.

[Ivy]

I've posted this stuff before in various threads, so i'll try to be brief.

I grew up in the 50's and 60's.  There were times when I was a young kid when I thought about being a girl, looking at the cousins' toys, etc.  But it really started to kick in when I hit puberty.  Junior high was the first time I ever had to change classes, carrying books and stuff.  I realized I was the only boy that was carrying my books like a girl.  So I trained myself to do it boy stile.  I had other mannerisms that I also repressed, afraid someone would notice.  I had never even heard of "transgender" or anything like that.  I was scared sh*tless someone would see this girliness in me.  And I did okay with that - hiding my shame and all.

Years later I'm married, kids are mostly grown and gone.  I am a serious transphobe.  Anything LGBT-like I would avoid like the plague.  Any movie with cross dressing or a transsexual character really bothered me.  One year someone gave me a DVD of "Breakfast on Pluto". -what the heck-?  When my wife and daughter were watching it, I had to leave the room.  My (now ex) wife went out of town with a group she was part of and met a transwoman.  When she got back, she said they reminded her of me!  I guess I'm kinda dense.

A couple years later we split up and I was living by myself and going to a group of guys with similar issues at a church.  In a workbook, the question came up if you had ever crossdressed.  I remembered one Halloween as a kid wearing a dress.  Then I got to thinking (dangerous) about how it had made me feel.  I thought maybe I could experiment just a little bit.  I went over to the Goodwill, and tried to look inconspicuous buying a skirt.  I mean I was terrified.  Safe at home, I took a deep breath and swapped the jeans for the skirt.  The peace and relief that swept over me then was wonderful.  I was happy for the first time in a long time.  So, I guess an "aha" moment.

A bit of research and I learned the difference between crossdressing and transgender.  I started looking into my options to start HRT.  Now I'm living full time as Jandi, it's just who I am.

 

[DeeDee]

I've probably had a few, because my brain likes to pick a fight in an empty room.

I didn't always know. 

I always just thought I was just sensitive and weird, rubbish at being a guy and someone who guiltily enjoyed crossdressing, but that last secret was going to go with me to my grave until my marriage ended.

Since then looking for myself is what has led me to realising I am trans. 

My 1st moment was Nov 2018 when I had finally spent a few months looking at myself and my desire to dress feminine, I had joined Transpulse hoping to prove to myself that I just didn't belong, by asking my questions and sharing my stories and seeing just how much I didn't fit the mould. Didn't quite go how I expected ?

My 2nd moment was June 2019 when the statement, "If you are questioning your gender at all then you are trans" started to make more sense to me then my excuses, it had started to feel like I was having to make more and more effort to come up with other possible explanations for why I wasn't trans.

Since then the steps have been small but significant and mostly just calming me down, now I worry more about having the patience to keep pretending to be male long enough to get my ducks in a row. I want to be able to prepare the people I care for before "he retires"  and DeeDee tags in.?

[LaurenA]

I was never any good at being a guy.  Never liked sports and sitting around trash talking girls was not my idea of a good time.  I even learned how to rebuild an engine so I had guy things to talk about.  I always put it down as just being a nerd.  Some here will remember the mods and greasers dichotomy, it was a 60's thing.  I played the mod part until I was harassed for wearing jewelry.  Never wore any again.  It's only recently that I put it all together.

[miz miranda]

Even though I'm still questioning my identity or perhaps not ready to accept it. My moment occurred when I first began to feel that I was a woman. While researching on the web, I found a studio that did makeover and photo shoots for transgender women and crossdressers. I did a makeover which included several full outfits and professionally applied makeup. Once I was in the first outfit and saw myself in the mirror, I just radiated joy. My smile told me that this is who I am.