Your 'aha! moment

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, DeeDee said:

that last secret was going to go with me to my grave until my marriage ended.

Since then looking for myself is what has led me to realising I am trans. 

It wasn't until my marriage ended that I felt free enough to have a good look at myself.

 

3 hours ago, LaurenA said:

Never wore any again.  It's only recently that I put it all together.

Yeah.  I used to wear necklaces all the time, often under my shirt - I mean like colorful beads and stuff.  And then the "chick flicks" I liked to watch.  Guiltily hid my liking for romance stories.

How did I not realize?

[Audrey]

On 12/30/2020 at 5:59 AM, KayC said:

But my ah-hah moment of finally achieving self-acceptance was therapy session #3 .. then everything started to fall into place, and looking back there was a lot of "ah-hahhhhh!" .. now that makes sense. 

 

21 hours ago, Niamh said:

I had agonised over whether I was a cross-dresser or trans or what, and after my 4th or 5th session with my counsellor it was a revelation that I was Genderfluid.

I share these experiences of finding clarity by working with a therapist, and speaking honestly with her about my thoughts and feelings about my gender identity and expression in a shame and judgment free environment. In hindsight, I wish she'd been a gender therapist specifically, but she insight she helped me discover was so valuable nevertheless.

 

 

21 hours ago, Jandi said:

I remembered one Halloween as a kid wearing a dress.  Then I got to thinking (dangerous) about how it had made me feel.  I thought maybe I could experiment just a little bit.  I went over to the Goodwill, and tried to look inconspicuous buying a skirt.  I mean I was terrified.  Safe at home, I took a deep breath and swapped the jeans for the skirt.  The peace and relief that swept over me then was wonderful.  I was happy for the first time in a long time.  So, I guess an "aha" moment.

Jandi, I know this anxiety and relief too! I remember buying my very first dress, feeling vulnerable, trying to stealthily shop in the women's department when I was so obviously a man, and rehearsing in my mind how I would rationalize what I was buying to the cashier if any questions came up about it ("oh it's for my girlfriend"). Other than a few curious eyes perhaps, nothing bad happened. Truth is, when I put it on at home and felt amazing, I knew I'd done the right thing, and I would do it again and again.

 

 

18 hours ago, DeeDee said:

I always just thought I was just sensitive and weird, rubbish at being a guy and someone who guiltily enjoyed crossdressing, but that last secret was going to go with me to my grave until my marriage ended.

 

18 hours ago, LaurenA said:

I was never any good at being a guy.  Never liked sports and sitting around trash talking girls was not my idea of a good time.  I even learned how to rebuild an engine so I had guy things to talk about.

I'm also terrible at being a "guy." How many times did I go over to a someone's house for a football watch party, only to think "why I am watching this?" and find myself hanging out with the wives and girlfriends instead? I also got good at faking an interest in "guy" stuff to try to connect better but I felt awful doing it and ultimately just gave up. I like what I like!

 

 

16 hours ago, miz miranda said:

Even though I'm still questioning my identity or perhaps not ready to accept it. My moment occurred when I first began to feel that I was a woman. While researching on the web, I found a studio that did makeover and photo shoots for transgender women and crossdressers. I did a makeover which included several full outfits and professionally applied makeup. Once I was in the first outfit and saw myself in the mirror, I just radiated joy. My smile told me that this is who I am.

I believe that the best hairstylists and beauticians know how emotionally powerful and transformative their makeovers can be!

 

Thanks once again everyone for sharing your stories!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[JamieGee]

6 hours ago, Audrey said:

 

 

I'm also terrible at being a "guy." How many times did I go over to a someone's house for a football watch party, only to think "why I am watching this?" and find myself hanging out with the wives and girlfriends instead? I also got good at faking an interest in "guy" stuff to try to connect better but I felt awful doing it and ultimately just gave up. I like what I like!

 

 

 

I actually have always enjoyed being with the guys doing guy things, even if they are things that I don't necessarily like.  I'm not really sure why. 

[Audrey]

On 12/31/2020 at 12:56 PM, JamieGee said:

I actually have always enjoyed being with the guys doing guy things, even if they are things that I don't necessarily like.  I'm not really sure why. 

Ultimately, I think interests don't need a gender assigned to them even though they so often do. If you enjoy something, you should enjoy it - no matter who you are! Sadly, peer pressure and social acceptance have pushed many interests to one side or another and left relatively little in the androgynous middle ground. I struggled to fake enjoyment in things my male friends liked to do, and they knew it because my heart so obviously wasn't in it. I guess that's part of why I've drifted from them. I'm hopeful we'll connect on things like hiking and skiing in the future though, if they can accept me.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

6 hours ago, Audrey said:

 I struggled to fake enjoyment in things my male friends liked to do, and they knew it because my heart so obviously wasn't in it.

I was involved with a men's group that was planning a weekend retreat.  They were excited about all the guy stuff that was planned.  I was dreading it and begged off.  This was right at the point where I had finally gotten up the nerve to peek into my closet.  This was the point when I dropped out.

I did run into the leader some time later at a craft beer place.  I was in girl mode by then, pretty much full time.  We were polite.  I don't think he was all that surprised though, as I had warned him privately of what I had been looking into.

[JamieGee]

7 hours ago, Audrey said:

Ultimately, I think interests don't need a gender assigned to them even though they so often do. If you enjoy something, you should enjoy it - no matter who you are! Sadly, peer pressure and social acceptance have pushed many interests to one side or another and left relatively little in the androgynous middle ground. I struggled to fake enjoyment in things my male friends liked to do, and they knew it because my heart so obviously wasn't in it. I guess that's part of why I've drifted from them. I'm hopeful we'll connect on things like hiking and skiing in the future though, if they can accept me.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

I can certainly agree with that.  I have often wondered why things have to be "guy" or "girl" activities. 

 

I had someone (counselor) tell me that I wanted to hang with the guys because of my attraction to men, not necessarily because I enjoyed the activity.  I don't know if that has validity or not.  But, it does make me think.  

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Dear Audrey and all, I have so enjoyed reading all these “moments” and see where my story fits into almost each one in one way or another. I have lived my life in fear pretty much for 70 years. Growing up I thought that I was the only person in the world who wanted to be a girl instead of a boy.

 

I had always felt guilty for cross dressing and the lies that follow. What a blessing the internet and gender research had provided me. Along with this sit I have learned to fully accept myself as a transgender woman. I have never been to a gender therapist. Someone said before that “ if you question your gender than you are transgender.”  My “moment” has taken a long time to arrive.

 

I’m still not fully open with my wife and I’ve never talked about the woman I am with anyone else. I don’t plan on having reassignment surgery although HRT would be ok. My 40 A breasts could use a little help but I’ve got what I’ve got.

 

The fear of loosing my family is what holds me back. I would like to say thank you to everyone who has shared their moment.

 

Hugs and love

 

Sandra

[Rorelai]

Like a lot of you, I can't think of one definitive "aha moment" that proved that I'm trans. I didn't really know that being trans was an option at first bc I come from a very conservative part of rural Pennsylvania, so it's not like there was really much of any queer community to look up to. I think when I met another trans person at a band festival in high school and realized that I didn't have to be a boy just because I was assigned that at birth I started recontextualizing a lot of things about myself and came to the realization that I'd always been trans, even without the vocabulary to express that.

As a little kid I'd always been a quieter, feminine kid. At my grandma's house I'd play with the polly pockets and bratz dolls my cousins left behind, and I'd run around in my grandma's nightgown and play with her lipstick. In elementary I'd only ever play with the girls team during recess. I hated swimming class because I'd have to be topless around other people, and looking back I don't think it was just that I was insecure about my weight. When I got to junior high I'd daydream about walking into school with an altar ego and being seen as a girl without question. Once I got to high school I started wearing makeup under the guise of covering up my acne (but I'd put on mascara and nude eyeshadow too so who was I kidding). I obsessively tried to cover up my facial hair and I'd shave two or three times a day. I started dressing more effeminately after I came out as bi, but I still didn't quite feel right. 

After I found out what transgender meant, all these little things that didn't make sense started to click. Looking back I think it's painfully obvious that I wasn't a boy, but until I had the language to express myself there wasn't much I could do about the way I felt. 

[Princess-audra]

For me, it wasn't an instant ah-ha moment, but more of going through the motions of being a boy and wanting to be a girl. I think my ah-ha moment as well was in college, 20 years ago as well.

[LaurenA]

I think it wasn't until college before I realized I was more comfortable being a woman.  In that era it was far from something you could do without immense repercussions.  To that point I hid it inside and refused to admit it existed.  I hid a lot of it under the guise of being gay, not that gay was a more acceptable label.  After a while that felt too dangerous so I decided being straight was the safest.  That went on for almost a half century.  Then came covid19 and way to much time to think about who I am.  I drank too much, checked myself in to dry out, and started seeing a councilor.  It was through my sessions with the councilor that the possibility and then probability that I was trans came out.  A couple months of struggling with that led me to accepting it was more than a probability, most likely a certainty.  I guess I'm not at that phase where I'm wondering where I go from here and how far I need to go.  Its difficult when I read transition stories fro transwomen who have taken all the steps and gone all the way.  At the moment I don't see myself going that far, but then I wonder if it is that far.  I don't know what's right for me.  I think all I can do is take it one step at a time.  Sometimes I wish there was a checklist to follow to determine the truth.  Do this measure that do this other thing, measure again.  I know too logical.  Too right brainish.  But that what I'm doing, making up my own steps and defining my own criteria to stepping forward.  Each step is difficult, each step is a challeng.  But I have to take each step if i am to move forward.

[Guest]

My "ah-ha" moment was almost 20 years ago when I read a book by someone that had transitioned. Ironically, my mother gave me the book. I tried hormones for a short time but eventually was scared straight over losing custody of my kids and naivety over gender identity and sexual preference. Now I'm full speed ahead.

[Audrey]

On 1/2/2021 at 1:09 PM, Sandra6sandy9sand said:

What a blessing the internet and gender research had provided me.

I know, right? Young me felt very alone in her feelings about gender identity and expression. But there was still a trans community in the early internet days, and discovering it was the affirmation I wasn't alone in my feelings, even if I didn't act on them until far later in life.

 

6 hours ago, Rorelai said:

 

As a little kid I'd always been a quieter, feminine kid. At my grandma's house I'd play with the polly pockets and bratz dolls my cousins left behind, and I'd run around in my grandma's nightgown and play with her lipstick. In elementary I'd only ever play with the girls team during recess.

I relate to this so well. My first home was in the Minnesota countryside, there was only one other kid my age nearby. I loved going over to her house because she had all the cool toys I never did. I also tried to play with the girls on the playground in elementary school, but the "boys vs. girls" dynamic was in full force by that age, and that meant I was shunned by the girls and teased by the boys for wanting to play with the girls.

 

3 hours ago, LaurenA said:

Then came covid19 and way to much time to think about who I am.  I drank too much, checked myself in to dry out, and started seeing a councilor.  It was through my sessions with the councilor that the possibility and then probability that I was trans came out.

The pandemic has been terrible for sure, but like you, it gave me the necessary time to reflect at home. I could fully express myself the way I wanted to, without having to put the man show on daily at work. In the future, I imagine I'll look back on this time not for all the awful things about it, but for being the time I started living authentically.

 

3 hours ago, Erica Gabriel said:

My "ah-ha" moment was almost 20 years ago when I read a book by someone that had transitioned. Ironically, my mother gave me the book. I tried hormones for a short time but eventually was scared straight over losing custody of my kids and naivety over gender identity and sexual preference. Now I'm full speed ahead.

I'm curious, was your mother surprised with you came out to her (if you're out to her)? It feels like she was sort of reaching out, giving you that book - or maybe just a coincidence?

 

Thanks again everyone for sharing your stories!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Eden Noel]

I hope it's all right to tell my story from a non-binary person's perspective? I feel like my experience is a little bit different from others.

 

For me, what really made me start thinking was the jealousy. See, I've had many people over the years come out to me as transgender, and a lot of them I was able to help sort out their feelings to an extent. But for some reason, when they would tell me about how difficult it was to be in the closet, or ask me for help in how to come out to their family or friends, I would become stressed. I never took it out on them as they didn't deserve that, but internally I felt angry. Without any sort of clear reason why. I was thinking to myself, why does it bother them so much? It's not that hard to just keep it a secret. And despite knowing that this was a toxic way of thinking, for some reason I just couldn't stop it. When this happens I know that it is usually due to some unresolved conflict within myself.

 

Earlier last year, especially with the pandemic happening, I sat myself down and tried to resolve that internal conflict. I knew that I avoided thinking deeply about my gender, and simply convinced myself I "didn't care" about it. I also knew that I've avoided photographs like the plague, had a tendency to feel icky when saying my birth name out loud, and felt extremely uncomfortable at times even knowing people were simply looking at me. At the same time though, I never felt that I wanted to be the opposite gender. Naturally, I was confused — like, was I simply insecure? Was I still pushing away my feelings too much? — that's when I started reading about other non-binary people's experiences.

 

When I started using the name Eden, I would smile really wide whenever I read it. I think that was the first sign that I was going in the right direction. Even now, I anticipate when people will use my preferred pronouns online, because I don't hear them often outside of the internet. I'm still mostly closeted, and I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable to come out with this to my family, but it's been really nice to be around other people who understand me and accept me so easily. I think as time goes on, I am only going to feel more and more sure that this is the person I truly am.

[SpongeBobFan]

There's been a few. The most obvious was how I so desperately wanted to be a girl as a child. Then when I discovered trans people existed, I told myself I'd probably have transitioned if I knew about it as a kid. Not to mention how I told myself how I would have transitioned if it weren't for the discrimination trans girls face. Finally, as I accepted I wasn't cisgender, all the signs pointed to me being a girl, it just felt right

[Kiera]

        My ah 'aha epiphany! was stumbling upon Nancy Hunt's newly card indexed book "Mirror Image" (1975) in our local  library and while I could easily still cite specific names, places, and approx age of events based on hindsight dating back to a much younger time I was once admonished not to, "don't", because I've never regarded it as "abuse"  the way so many seem to do today.

 

I never lived a sheltered, "safe-space" life and feel all the stronger for it today!

[Kiera]

(ps: Correction it was around 1978 (not '75 during Uni not high school) and People Magazine's  embedded Nancy bio link changed, is here.)

[Audrey]

On 1/3/2021 at 9:15 PM, Eden Noel said:

Earlier last year, especially with the pandemic happening, I sat myself down and tried to resolve that internal conflict. I knew that I avoided thinking deeply about my gender, and simply convinced myself I "didn't care" about it.

...

When I started using the name Eden, I would smile really wide whenever I read it. I think that was the first sign that I was going in the right direction.

Eden, it's interesting, the pandemic - while terrible in so many ways - has given many (myself included!) the needed time and clarity to do the soul-searching about gender and identity, with nearly all the time in the world to do so when the lockdowns started. I wonder if I would have taken this path if it hadn't been for the pandemic, or if I would have continued  Also, I totally relate to that feeling of joy when people call me by my preferred name - like today at my doctor's appointment, the whole office used it without hesitation and it was as it should be. Conversely, being deadnamed by people who know is hurting more now and will probably hurt more as I continue. In effect, it will be a sign of acceptance or rejection of me.

 

On 1/4/2021 at 8:08 PM, SpongeBobFan said:

There's been a few. The most obvious was how I so desperately wanted to be a girl as a child. Then when I discovered trans people existed, I told myself I'd probably have transitioned if I knew about it as a kid. Not to mention how I told myself how I would have transitioned if it weren't for the discrimination trans girls face. Finally, as I accepted I wasn't cisgender, all the signs pointed to me being a girl, it just felt right

My own feelings date back to childhood too, probably as early as age 4 or 5, but most definitely by age 7. But in that decade, the understanding and acceptance of transgender people was a shadow of what it is today. What was on my parents' and school's radar was just a "phase." Fast forward through the teenage and young adult years and I'm finally gong the right direction.

 

13 hours ago, Kiera said:

        My ah 'aha epiphany! was stumbling upon Nancy Hunt's newly card indexed book "Mirror Image" (1975) in our local  library and while I could easily still cite specific names, places, and approx age of events based on hindsight dating back to a much younger time I was once admonished not to, "don't", because I've never regarded it as "abuse"  the way so many seem to do today.

 

I never lived a sheltered, "safe-space" life and feel all the stronger for it today!

I'll have to check out that book!

 

I'm fascinated to read about everyone's experience, so thank you for sharing! ❤️ 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[AngelaC]

I knew in my teenage years that I wanted to be one of the girls although I lived a happy life as male.It was 2 days after I turned 20,it was time to come out finally.I was glad that I came out,one of the best decisions in my life.Before this I was crossdressing and it wasn't enough.I knew life as a woman would of been better.

[Eden Noel]

2 hours ago, Audrey said:

Conversely, being deadnamed by people who know is hurting more now and will probably hurt more as I continue. In effect, it will be a sign of acceptance or rejection of me.

 

This is an issue for me too. I knew that once I started coming to terms with these things, it would only make me even more aware of the name and pronouns I'm referred to with. I think that's likely why it took me so long to take the first step — I'm terrified of change and I felt like a burden on my online friends by asking them to call me something new. I suppose it is a necessary evil that comes with being true to yourself though.

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Eden Noel said:

 

I felt like a burden on my online friends by asking them to call me something new.

 

I saw something this morning that put this in perspective...  If a woman gets married, her friends have no difficulty at all in immediately saying, "Congratulations, Mrs. <new name>."  So why the difficulty when someone transitions?  It is not that calling us something new is a burden.  It is something else.

[Audrey]

On 1/6/2021 at 5:06 PM, AngelaC said:

I knew life as a woman would of been better.

I've had this thought since forever. For years I wavered back and forth between whether my feelings were lust or envy. I ended up deciding it was envy, but what did that actually mean? It took years for me to finally figure that out.

 

On 1/6/2021 at 7:21 PM, KathyLauren said:

 

I saw something this morning that put this in perspective...  If a woman gets married, her friends have no difficulty at all in immediately saying, "Congratulations, Mrs. <new name>."  So why the difficulty when someone transitions?  It is not that calling us something new is a burden.  It is something else.

I've been thinking about this too. People also don't really have a hard time when someone decides to go by a middle name either. I believe it's because it challenges people to honestly look within themselves and find their acceptance of a transgender person's identity and expression. Using a new name and pronouns shows acceptance, but when acceptance is hard to find or non-existent, the result is deadnaming, judgment, and generally transphobia.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Kiera]

9 hours ago, Audrey said:

I've had this thought since forever. For years I wavered back and forth between whether my feelings were lust or envy.

      Ya think coming to the realization that I was 'aving more sex with guys had anything to do with it? Of all the girls I cuddled with, while looking in their eyes, I felt almost like a vampire adopting, making their "identity" my own but, never wanting sex, frustrated many for sure!