Advice needed on dealing with social transitoning

[Vivienne Claire]

Hi All,

I started hormones a month ago and have gone through the process of coming out to my siblings (my parents have passed away) and my friends.  I am 60 years old and live in Perth, Western Australia.  The details of my life up to beginning transition can be found at

My experiences with coming out to people close to me have been largely positive.  Only my wife reacted negatively (we are now separated) and, in spite of her initial reaction, we are still friends, so I am not even sure if that classifies as a totally negative reaction.  My three sisters and younger brother and their children have been amazing and I feel very fortunate to have them.  In fact, other than one fateful trip to a shopping centre (i.e. shopping mall), pretty much every reaction to my being transgender has been positive.

 

Just prior to Christmas I began venturing out in public as Vivienne on my own.  Initially I found the experience liberating.  I was under the impression that I was passing completely, that nobody I encountered saw me as anything but just another woman.  Two days before Christmas I had my first three negative encounters.  They were pretty mild but they all occurred in the same trip and I had got so comfortable I completely forgot it was bound to happen eventually so I was totally unprepared.  It was at a shopping mall.  The first was an elderly lady who I saw standing some distance away, hands on hips, glaring angrily at me.  She maintained her glare even when I stared straight back at her.  The second was in a clothes store. I was looking at some tops hanging on a stand when a woman, also elderly, came around from the other side of the stand, looked at me, got a stunned look on her face and then turned and ran (yes she was literally running) out of the shop.  I wanted to run and hide but, I knew if I did, I would find it really hard to venture out again so I made myself stay in the shop.  I eventually picked out a top and a dress I liked and paid for them both.  Several other ladies in the shop smiled at me when they encountered me and the sales people were also friendly so it was  by no means a completely negative experience.  As I went to walk through the door which led to the car park a man was coming the other way.  I went through the door and ,when he saw me, he got a stunned look on his face and walked in a wide circle so as to avoid coming near me.

 

The point of describing those experiences is so you understand that, from that point on, every trip outside on my own has been emotionally exhausting.  Firstly because I know that, while a lot of people don't clock me as trans, I now know there are always going to be some that do.  I guess I should have known that from the beginning but, you know what they say, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.  Secondly all the time I am in public I feel like everyone around me is looking at me and judging me negatively.  Logically I know this is not true but that doesn't help the emotional reaction.  Logically I know that most people who do recognize I am trans either won't care or will react positively.  Logically I know that anyone who does judge me harshly is wrong, has their own issues to deal with, is in the minority and hence should be ignored.  I also understand that the emotional strain I now feel when outside is all self generated and it is up to me to find my way around it.  Its not about how others react to me its about me finding a path that leads to not being totally stressed out every time I am in public.

 

My question is this.  How do I do that?  How do I turn the logical/factual understanding of the situation into an emotional belief that will undermine the fear and stress I feel when out by myself?  I should also point out that, on the few occasions I have been outside with people I trust, that fear is totally absent even when I do notice people noticing me.

 

I am guessing my situation is by no means unique so I would love to hear from others who managed to overcome this problem.  Meanwhile I hope you all had a wonderful and happy Christmas.

 

[Audrey]

@Vivienne Claire, I'm so happy to hear you've had so many positive experiences and supportive people since coming out! Sorry about your wife though. I'm glad you're able to be on amicable terms with her.

 

I'm very early on into presenting in public as well, and I have a lot of anxiety too about being clocked. Anxiety gets us to believe that everyone is watching us and secretly judging us. One of the most freeing things that I try to keep in mind is that whenever someone does react to me negatively, that it's likely they'll have forgotten about it moments later and that you'll likely never see them again. I agree that people who react the way the people you described did are in the minority. Don't give those people the power to control your feelings or actions, even though it's hard not to. It's true, most people are in their own world and probably won't notice or even care if they do. The other thing is, our own emotional energy is a tell to other people. If we feel nervous and vulnerable, we'll project that energy out into the world and others will respond accordingly. On the other hand, if we feel confident, others will react to that instead. It sounds like you're building your confidence and I think that's absolutely the best way to get a handle on the stress of going out in public. The more you it, the more confidence you'll feel - especially if positive experiences build on each other.

 

I hope this is helpful to you. I must confess though, my first few trips out were with someone else who was supportive of me, sort of like protection in case something went wrong. I couldn't do it alone. But incrementally, I'm getting there. There's still places I'll never go alone yet, like the subway, but I'm confident in my neighborhood. And it's NYC, so there's a lot of people here and I guess at some point, I'll just blend into the background.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Audrey said:

I must confess though, my first few trips out were with someone else who was supportive of me, sort of like protection in case something went wrong

Yeah, I was really more comfortable with a companion at first.

 I have become a little braver about being in public these days.  Of course I avoid any likely hostile environments when possible.

I have found that the more I am in public, the easier it gets.  Mostly I don't even think about it in my daily life.  The people I see on a regular basis pretty much know me by now.  As has been said, most people aren't paying attention to you or out to clock you.  I am not trying to draw attention to myself anyway.

I think you'll become more confident in yourself as you grow into a new phase of your life.

[Jackie C.]

Yeah, I felt like a spider on a hot plate for my first several forays out into The World too. It's pretty common. I have a friend who likens us to vampires: We only come out at night and try to avoid areas that are well-lit.

 

Unfortunately, the only treatment is practice. Every adventure into the great wide world makes the fear erode just a little more. You'll hardly notice it when it finally dries up and blows away.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

I certainly remember that fear and the shame it came from.  Wasn't i supposed to be ashamed of who i am?  At first i was conscious of every glance or interaction.  I remember taking trips out where i forced myself to have as many interactions as possible.  99% were positive but that 1% always seemed the most important!  When i made the decision to go full time it was before starting HRT.  I felt i had to assure myself that i could do it.  Living each day with a new "coming out" seems endless but wonderfully that changed and i found comfort.  I'm still a big gal with big hands and feet.  For the most part my life is wonderful and time has removed those fears for the most part but best of all i'm not ashamed of being me.  

Maybe the best advice i can give is that it gets so much better woith time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

I went full time before beginning HRT too.  I had good interactions for the most part but as you note the bad ones really sting.  But I tried to remember it was their problem not mine.  Eventually it will be easier to be out and about.  Just remember that not every woman is a 10 (fill in a popular name).  Some are ugly ducklings and most of us fall in between.  But we're all human with the need for love and validation.   Try to let it roll off you and forge ahead.  Never be ashamed of being  true to yourself.  As Charlize notes, it will get better.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Vivienne Claire]

Thank you all so much!  You have all given me a lot of new ideas which help enormosuly.

 

I was hoping that more exposure would help me build my confidence and several of you are telling me that is the case.  That knowledge helps enormously.  Its one thing to do a scary thing knowing it will help.  Its quite another when you are not sure if it will help or make things worse.  Now I am sure it will help and I have to keep it up.

 

In my mind when I see a person react I always thought there reaction would be strong, that they will be running around for days telling people about what they saw.  It never occurred to me to consider they might clock me and react but that it really isn't that important to them and they will forget about it 5 minutes later.  However, now that you point it out, that is highly likely.

 

I know I need to never forget that there is no shame in who I am so, even if I am clocked, how does that matter?  That one is a tough nut to crack as I have a life time of incorrect programming and undeserved shame that I am trying to undo.  Its a work in progress.

 

The realisation that the people who frequent the places I regularly go to will simply get used to me and then I will blend into the landscape is also something I that never occurred to me.  Exposure is a two way street. I get used to them and they get used to me.

 

The idea that perhaps I should ease my load a bit by planning more trips with family and/or friends to give me exposure without the pressure is also something I plan to do.

 

I totally get trying not to show the fear and apprehension.  Its not easy sometimes though.  On my last trip (which was to an Ikea store), one of the employees came up to me, smiled gently and asked me if I was okay.  I realised I must have been broadcasting the stress I was feeling.  I thought I was hiding it but clearly that wasn't the case.

 

I think I will copy the above into a document, print it out and read it constantly so its always in the front of my mind when I am out.  Fear has a way of driving good sense out of your mind so that would be a way of putting it back.  Once again, thank you all so much.  Audrey, I hope things improve for you as well.  Sounds like it will for both of us.

 

This path we walk is not an easy one but it is an achievable one.  Just requires us to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

 

[Charlize]

The time will come when you are no longer hiding stress.  It simply will have faded and disappeared.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Michala_72]

Hi @Vivienne Claire, Another West Aussie How are are you.

 

I can't comment as I have not yet presented in public, However I have to admit in the past when I have seen our sisters in public I look and smile, It has always inspired me and gave me courage to come out.

 

I came out just before Xmas in 2020 so at the beginning of my Journey and trying to get on HRT at the moment.

I live down in Rockingham so needless to say that wont be the first place I go out, Will have to be the City until I get my confidence up.

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome Michala.  I remember planning for the next time i'd be out of town on a long trip.  Sometimes, early on,  i'd dress and drive but change back before venturing out of the car.  Then maybe i'd get gas and actually pay as myself.  Small steps at a time, as i worked through the fear, gave me confidence well before i went out at my home town.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

I was riding with my daughter up to northern Virginia.  I was wrestling with how to dress for the trip (once there I would be myself) and had decided to on "boy mode" for the drive - with pitstops and all that.  But that morning she asked me about it - it was OK with her either way.  She assured me she had my back, and I thought -what the heck-, and put on my real clothes.  Nothing bad happened, even though we stopped to tour some caves along the way.  I even heard myself referred to as "that lady" while in the cave.

It gets easier as time goes on.