Relationship negotiation

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

I ought to preface that I begin talking non-explicitly about sex, in case that's not people's cup of tea. And this is an extremely self-indulgent rant of unfair feelings.

 

I just need a moment to release this anger before I can become a productive contributor to this office spreadsheet again. Feel no need to read my wall-of-text style, I'm sorry.

I should be excited that my gifted Ipsy subscription make-up kit, the first make-up I will have ever worn, is on its way. But I can't. Because when it comes I have to worry that putting it on, even experimentally to wear for a little while in my living room, will be an existential threat to my marriage.

 

She had said that though she's bisexual, it's never come up that she's "only romantically attracted to women, not sexually", and "historically only a very particular gender expression". That she "deliberately married an anti-patriarchy man". And isn't sure yet whether... well, I'm compatible with her libido, I guess. So think about it: at a time when I'm trying to discover what my gender expression is, the minefield I'm expected to disregard is whether a specific gender expression is a turn-off TO MY SPOUSE.

 

I am in limbo. My wife, while originally "freaked out" that I "won't even consider an open-marriage as a possibility", has accepted that I don't want that conteingency. I doubt she's internalized why it's not a perfectly fine thing to hear: that if she completes this emotional reactive journey and resolves that she can no longer be attracted to me, she'll need to release her libido in people she DOES find attractive rather than me, her spouse.

 

I get it, she needs to take time to process, now that she realizes that my coming out as a woman to her means that she's in a marriage with a lady. I'm too scared to put on my new skirt in front of her. She doesn't glance at me as I change anymore, she doesn't touch me casually anymore, but blames exhaustion, and so I'm passively waiting for her to be well-rested so I can resume passively waiting for any sign, some day, some week, that my love life is alive.

 

I very-much could only show up in love pending eager consent, I don't want it any other way, all I'm saying is that waiting to find out whether you're permanently a turn-off to the person you married, on her own emotional timeline, destroys my self-esteem, when self-confidence is part of attraction, and I'm a pathetic mess and I hate that I've been reduced to this. My spirit is supposed to be waxing right now, that's what my transition was doing to me, making me far more me, a core of white hot energy in me, promising new beginning, an adventure and an indomitable lustre for life. That's the promise of Kestrel. And it's all hinging on the lackadaisical ponderings of Lisa, who spends most of her free time scrolling through her phone or sleeping and has had low libido for a long time before my coming out to her but apparently suddenly may need to release her sex drive in some man or three.

 

That's the message of my transition. That what I no longer can be identified as, she may need to find elsewhere. When she said I will always be her family, it sounded as though she were describing a sibling or some kind of wet nurse. It sounded like The Brady Bunch describing that maid.

 

That's without even considering what that means for my children. I tried to steer away from the contingency she mentioned at the latest, "Then I think either it will just be fine or we'll need to split up". I couldn't ask whether that would mean custody negotiations or a loveless roommate.

 

What. Do I do. With this make-up.

[Jackie C.]

Wear it? I'm kind of jealous that you've got the kit and presumably the skill to apply it. I've seen the results when someone who knows what they're doing applies it and as far as I can tell, it's basically witchcraft. I want to learn.

 

On the rest of it though, I can offer you sympathy and camaraderie. That sounds a lot like the hour I just spent with my therapist. My spouse and I are still having relations, but things have been rather one-sided for a while now. While I am generous and enthusiastic in my attentions I've been responsible for my own orgasms for, gosh, going on ten years maybe? She absolutely will not touch the new equipment.

 

I've taken the same hit to my confidence. My refrain of late when I fail at anything has been, "That's OK. I need to accept that nobody wants me." My self-confidence is basically a raging dumpster fire being taken out to sea by the tsunami. I had a similar response to coming out. She said that she was OK with it and that she liked breasts. She says she loves me and wants to stay with me. She has rejected me in the bedroom since 2018.

I know she's fighting her own demons though, so I take care of her as best I can, reassure her that I still love her and carry on. My therapist thinks I'm an idiot. My friends think I'm an idiot. I love her though, so I don't have much of a choice. So long as she loves and accepts me, I'm not wired in such a way as to give up on us. My therapist also suggested couples counseling. I'm afraid to suggest it though, lest my spouse view it as an attack.

 

Don't get me wrong. The rest of my life is, well, if not magnificent I'm doing the best that I can. I'm happy with myself and working on being the best me that I can be. I feel good. Great even. I just wish that my spouse was as excited about me as I am to be with her.

 

Right now, I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life. It's not perfect, but it's not all steaming garbage either. My therapist gave me a positivity journal today. I think I already hate it, but we'll see how things go.

 

As for your wife wanting to see other people... that's a bad sign. I know people can be in poly relationships, but they're not for everybody. Heck, I know people in poly relationships, but I don't think I could be in one myself. I guess you have to look at what you're getting from your relationship. If she wants it to change in a way you're not comfortable with, then maybe it's time to pack it in. It takes two (or more) people to make a relationship work. They all have to put in the effort to nurture it and make it grow. If only one of you is willing to put in the effort, the relationship dies. It might limp along for a while, but eventually it has to end.

 

That was kind of dark. I'm not saying things can't get better. I hope that your spouse realizes that you're the girl for her, forever and always. Luck. Love. Peace.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

 

@Kestrel McLoughlin

@Jackie C.

I'm sorry, you both sound to have it rough. ?I hope it works out and your partners realize they'll be losing more than just a mate.

I was the complete opposite with my partner, I was ok with being in an open relationship looking at other things. He knew I was pansexual, and he was 4 yrs older and had way more interactions then I did when we met in college. The rule was, he'd let me know beforehand for an ok, while he didn't want to know mine cuz he proclaimed he wasn't a jealous person...To my grief, I later found out he had major possessive issues and gets extremely jealous to a mentally abusive level. I literally have to call him out on it everytime now, cuz I don't think he fully realizes how messed up and counterproductive he can be. He said he had been having disassociative issues. That plus, his inflated ego and pride, he tended to bottle his problems till it came to a tea kettle bursting point. Oy...

When I told him, I'm bigender, he told me flat, he's straight, to my ?. But he didn't break it off there and then, and said he'd support me and see where things went. We both admitted we didn't want to go back to being alone, but the bottle was set. Bit later we had a big fight, but in the end of it he didn't want me to go. Feels sorta like we are both lost at sea holding onto eachother. I'm my own form of hopeless and he's his own. He wanted to change the rules, to keep me for himself, but I'm still very open to other things coming in. Yeah there maybe no boys allowed anymore but I'll live. I don't trust he'll have eyes only on me forever. After all he did dump a lady he was seeing for 4 yrs to be with me. I already during my short open relationship freedom period, had my one time chance to enjoy a couple together, and had nobody else since except only him. Still with him and we are still both idiots at times, but I'm extremely enduring. I think it's cuz I'm just purely stubborn and refuse to give up easily. ?