What stopped you from Transitioning sooner?

[Heather Shay]

For me I was raised in a double guilt family (Catholic AND Polish) and it was unheard of to want to change sexes growing up in the 1950's and 1960's and 1970's and ..... and I was much too frightened to admit it to myself and I hide behind a scaggly beard.

[KathyLauren]

Denial, fueled by internalized transphobia.

 

I did the "man-up in the military" thing and the camo beard thing, got married like I was supposed to.  A textbook case.

[rainflower]

Fear and shame mostly, but also not having the words or understanding of what was going on with me. I had no idea of HRT and "transsexuals" were "those weird people that get their stuff removed" and no one knew or talked to anyone like that. I was incredibly scared of the consequences of being lgbtq+, especially how other people talked about them. I thought i was just gay or bi for a long time. So there was some internalized transphobia and homophobia at times ("I'm not one of those!! I'm Normal!"). This was a similar path to figuring out my autism, I was in denial of that too and ignored some very obvious clues that I was on the spectrum. And being autistic has not helped in figuring any of this out at all.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Denial, fueled by internalized transphobia.

Yeah, a lot of this stuff.

 

Growing up in the 50's & 60's in a conservative environment, there was no such thing as transgender.  And you definitely did not want to be a sissy.  I learned to cover up any feminine tendencies I had.  (When I went to Jr high, I realized I was carrying my books like a girl and made myself stop.)   I was deathly afraid someone would notice my internal girlyness.

Then after a stint of military (and some mental issues) I briefly wondered if I was gay or something.  (I guess I didn't know what the "or something" was)  Then I met my ex.  We got married, and I just ran with it - had kids, etc. always maintaining my macho facade.

Living in a conservative christian environment, anything LGBTQ was an "abomination" and not even under consideration.

It was only after some major life changes that I was free enough to go back and consider what I had been feeling so many years ago (over 60 years) and what that might actually mean.  Once I cracked the lid on Pandora's little box a lot began to fall into place.

 

[Heather Shay]

@Mary Jane - I proud that you are strong enough to explore and determine what really is your destination.

 

@KathyLauren- I didn't go the extra-manly but I hide behind a beard (of sorts) - I am happy for you and hope I'm able to complete my "mission".

 

@AwesomeClaire self awareness is an amazing thing. I am amazed you accept being on the spectrum. I have a step-son who is Asperber and it took many years for him to understand and accept and embrace his difference and accepting yours is a major step forward. HUGS.

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi I feel we have much in common although I was able to get a 4S deferment and stay out of Vietnam. I didn't macho it but the other things you mention like the religious "abomination" - scared the truth out of me and scared me right into anorexia when my first marriage fell apart (something else that never happened in my or her families). 

[Willow McKenzie]

1 hour ago, Jandi said:

Yeah, a lot of this stuff.

 

Growing up in the 50's & 60's in a conservative environment, there was no such thing as transgender.  And you definitely did not want to be a sissy.  I learned to cover up any feminine tendencies I had.  (When I went to Jr high, I realized I was carrying my books like a girl and made myself stop.)   I was deathly afraid someone would notice my internal girlyness.

Then after a stint of military (and some mental issues) I briefly wondered if I was gay or something.  (I guess I didn't know what the "or something" was)  Then I met my ex.  We got married, and I just ran with it - had kids, etc. always maintaining my macho facade.

Living in a conservative christian environment, anything LGBTQ was an "abomination" and not even under consideration.

It was only after some major life changes that I was free enough to go back and consider what I had been feeling so many years ago (over 60 years) and what that might actually mean.  Once I cracked the lid on Pandora's little box a lot began to fall into place.

 

Jandi, 

     Other than the military, I was lottery # 272 I do believe so I didn't go to Nam, your story parallels mine fairly well.  As for being seen as a "sissy", I never felt that way but made sure I didn't get seen that way to the public.  

 

   ---WILLOW---

[Jackie C.]

Let's see. Part of it was lack of education. My only clue that trans-women even existed was the occasional "joke" in a men's magazine. They were never, ever presented in a positive light. I was fascinated by the subject as early as grade-school, but I told myself that I couldn't possibly be one of those people.

 

Part of it was transphobia. One of my parents is heavily homophobic. Anything having to do with LGBT+ topics was treated as "those terrible people." I know I internalized that. I hate that I did and I hate myself for every "phobic" joke I ever laughed at. Hopefully I'll be able to work past that at some point.

I did the same thing Jandi did with a lot of my girl-habits. I'm still unlearning some of that programming, but in the 70's and 80's... well, I was the weird kid anyway. I absolutely did not want to be the gay weird kid.

The point being that I worked really hard to "man up" and make my parents happy. I mean I was terrible at it and it made me miserable, but I really tried.

 

Part of it was hopelessness. I have a couple of auto-immune disorders. Back in my pre-teen years (I want to say 12, because 6th grade feels right, but it was a long time ago.) my family doctor said, "You're going to be dead by forty." I pretty much lost all motivation to do ANYTHING when I heard that. I hurried to get some stuff out of the way, but I did the bare minimum to make it happen. Wife? Check. House? Check. Job? Check.

I've never had what you would call a career. Just a series of jobs. I mean what was the point? I was going to be dead by forty. I could just abuse myself and run out the clock, so that's what I did. I didn't watch my diet. I treated exercise like it was radioactive. If it was healthy, forget about it. I lived on ground beef and diet Pepsi when I wasn't gorging on sweets or chips.

 

I obviously got over it. Eventually. That's basically what was holding me back though.

 

Hugs!

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi I was 53 and the year when things got fuzzie around September I probably would have been going for a physical. Glad I didn't go - my brother went and he got caught in ambush, 2 died, he was in hospital  for a month which army didn't consider toward promotion because he wasn't on active duty, he still has sharpnel in him and he was exposed to Agent Orange and his 2 kids have blood disorders. I also had a friend go in (he was straight as an arrow) and 6 weeks at basics he was heavy on LSD. So I was happy I didn't have to go - I was scared beyond belief about going into military.

[Davie]

All the details in this topic trigger so many feelings in my life, I can hardly write about them. But I'm sure I will someday. I'm feeling a lot of doubt and fear today and it's immobilizing me. I have to lay down and take breaths until I can breathe easy again. One tiny thing at a time today. Deep breath. Thanks for being here.  

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Shay said:

I was happy I didn't have to go - I was scared beyond belief about going into military.

I wasn't any kind of hero.  Got drafted, didn't like it, but -what the heck-.  I expected Nam, but got sent to Europe.  Really, it worked out for me, I didn't die, and the VA is where I get my HRT now.

But plenty did die.

 

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I've never had what you would call a career. Just a series of jobs.

Yeah, me too.  I just wanted to keep food on the table.

Of course my jobs were always guy stuff - construction, etc.  I spent over 30 years dumping garbage cans.  I said I only did it for the prestige.

 

On the plus side, my kids are my biggest supporters.

[Heather Shay]

@David K. I was worried I might be triggering some bad memories and I apologize - I meant no harm and I hoped it would be cathartic. I understand the mental pain it can cause I really didn't mean to add to your personal pain.

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi - 53 in my reply meant my lottery number was 53 not me personally......... phew.... 

[Maddee]

Matrix.

 

I had a mental health history from before I was old enough to have any rights.  Before my words were heard.

 

When I became older teen,  I was told by intake doc that I wasn't a candidate for sex change because I wasn't sure I wanted men.  And to be honest, I was prickly and tended violent when older men came on to me.  I chose crazy identify over victim identity.   Forgive the word insinuation, but it was not cool to be a f#g at the time...  (Y'all sabbee that no doubt)

 

Later, right after I was first gender diagnosed, I was blocked by a case manager who then had to accompany to all appts for twelve years.  He managed me into a situation with no primary care doctor or counselors, and only took me to a psychiatrist who kept me pharmed on six or more meds at a time forever.  I never spoke to the psychiatrist, my case msgr did, while I sat in waiting rooms and signed whatever they told me to.

 

By the time I got free of them, I figured I was too old and it wasn't meant to be.   So nobody stopped me for a few years but MYSELF as I tried to become a real man in the world.

 

Glad that's over!!

 

I put a half million miles on the road singing and the light saw me.

 

 

 

[MelanieTamara]

Commitment to family over self.

 

As a young child of 7 years old, my mother was a Jehovah's Witness and one of the tenets of the religion was no blood transfusion.  And of course, she got sick and had to go in for a kidney operation. But since she wouldn't take any blood, she died on the operating table leaving only me and my father. 

 

As I would get older, i realized she chose the religion over us, ie she was more committed to religion than family. I understand it and am OK with it. But it is not the choice I would make.

 

Fast forward, I chose to support the family, raising the kids, being a spouse, provide stability, being a private crossdresser, etc. until the kids were well on their way as adults; which is right about now.

 

So now I begin to realize my truth, knowing that I did not bail out. It's the right choice for me.

 

 

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, MelanieTamara said:

 I chose to support the family, raising the kids, being a spouse, provide stability…

I think sometimes there is a place for this.  We can't always only think of ourselves.

But it is a good thing when we can get free at last.  

[Heather Shay]

@Maddee @MelanieTamara @Jandi thank you for sharing your stories. Wow and I thought I've had a hard go of it. And there are still so much of society who don't believe the suffering we go through and don't accept what they can't see.

[Maddee]

Melanie Tamara I can only imagine what family means to you.  Love to your generations hon

[DeeDee]

Another fascinating thead, thanks to everyone who has shared some of their story.

 

I didn't know. I just thought my man button was broken.

 

I spent the better part of 40 yrs of my life trying to be the best man I could to my sisters, my mum, my friends, my (ex)wife, my kids and my parishioners.

Once my marriage imploded and I accepted that my ex had been systematically dismantling me for over 10 years by emotional blackmail and abuse I started realising just how much of who I was, was simply put on purely for other people.

 

So I went back to basics and started looking at myself from the ground up, what aspects of me did I like? What was fake? Who am I?

Those questions included the one big secret I'd never shared or looked at too hard out of shame which was the dressing in female clothes I had done on and off my entire life (or at least 10 or so years old).

After a lot of therapy, and a lot of writing about it I am preparing to let DeeDee take over the reigns. Hopefully my montage music will start soon and I will come out the other side scarred, but victorious and at peace with myself.  

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, DeeDee said:

Once my marriage imploded and I accepted that my ex had been systematically dismantling me for over 10 years by emotional blackmail and abuse I started realising just how much of who I was, was simply put on purely for other people.

 

So I went back to basics and started looking at myself from the ground up, what aspects of me did I like? What was fake? Who am I?

I get this.

My situation was similar in a lot of ways.  But I think a lot of the abuse was by me to me, trying to conform and maintain a relationship that wasn't quite what I thought it was.

It was only when it collapsed that I was free to - "[look] at myself from the ground up," back before it began.

[Heather Shay]

@DeeDee @Jandi these are both inciteful. I told my wife that I must try HRT months ago and she had a melt down a month into my treatment and told me I'd been lying to her for 25 years and I told her - no - if there was anyone I was lying to all this time - it was me.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Shay said:

if there was anyone I was lying to all this time - it was me.

Yeah… this.

[Bri2020]

On 3/9/2021 at 10:08 AM, KathyLauren said:

Denial, fueled by internalized transphobia.

 

I did the "man-up in the military" thing and the camo beard thing, got married like I was supposed to.  A textbook case.

Same, took a very long time to acknowledge and open up that part of myself

[Drayse]

So many relatable issues touched on in this thread. Authority figures and loved ones telling you that the LGBTQI2S+ are wrong or sinful leading to internalized phobias, desire to be a good parent, desire to please one's spouse, lacking the particular vocabulary or not comprehending due to external distortions of the facts, and the ever present fear of not being manly enough. I never really pursued machismo in earnest but I certainly have felt the compulsion from time-to-time and have acted on it. Acting girly on occasion? Done that and would get nagged for it.

 

One thing I'd like to add: Fear of hurting one's kids or other family members if you came out. For example, when I decided that I must be an atheist my ex-wife admonished me not to tell the kids because that "would hurt them emotionally." But that would be proven to be untrue over time. It took me a while to get over that as at first I wouldn't really outright admit it to my kids when they asked. Finally admitting it didn't hurt them in any way. It drove me crazy that everything I was would supposedly hurt the kids if I told them. That was probably my biggest hurdle, the idea that I would hurt people if I was truthful about who and what I am. If that wasn't gaslighting I don't know what is.

 

Looking back, I used to devour fiction, particularly science fiction, that featured LGBT+ themes or topics. This despite telling myself how disgusting it all was as I read them. Yet I'd seek out the same authors and read more of their works. On some subconscious level I think that I was seeking validation and representation for being bi, that I was hoping to learn more about transitioning and living as such vicariously through works of fiction.

[Heather Shay]

@Drayse I can't tell you how much I can relate to your comment and how articulate you worded them. Movies and fictional including tg fiction became a staple for me. I agree my sub-conscious was not going to let me avoid the truth.