I feel old and hitting the wall

[JennaLSinclair]

Hello I'm Jenna! ❤️
 
I am 43 years old and have been married for 15 years. I want to come out of the closet as gay and trans. If I'm Trans then, I may not be gay? I don't know, I'm confused. I want to end my marriage. 

 

Now because of Covid-19, my wife and I are around each other 24/7 and I feel like I'm in prison. Not the good kind either.
 
My wife is highly intelligent, and I admire her greatly. I do care for her and love her dearly. We haven't had sex in over three years. I'm not attracted to women anymore. I'm just not wired like that. I highly respect women. I mean, geez I want to be a woman!

 

There was a time when I was in college, me and a friend of mine went to a gay club to hang out. We both considered ourselves straight at the time. I wanted to see a Drag Show and didn't want to go alone. Even then, I loved crossdressers! My friend's mom called my parents and told them where we went. My parents lost it. They went out looking for me came to the club after we left and caused a scene. When they got home, Mom cried and Dad yelled at me and said if I was gay he would take me out in the field behind my house and shoot me in the head with his rifle. That was from my own father. So, of course I said I was straight, just out of survival. Buried it down as deep as I could. That was 1997 in Tennessee. There's a reason they are in Tennessee and I am here in DC. 

 

My marriage didn't start out like that. We were pretty close at one time. I still love her very much. She has always been far right conservative. Irish-Catholic family. Her Grandfather worked in OSI and made a living disgracing and removing homosexuals in the US Air Force. She is a thorough Trump Supporter. I guess opposites attract.

 

I know this will devastate my wife and she is going to out me to everyone, and try to hurt me out of revenge. She's going to take me for everything I got and leave me with nothing and all the debt. I may not ever financially recover from this. I am at an impasse. I don't know how to go about this. If there is a way to lessen the impact I am willing to try. 
 
I want to come out to her in a neutral environment. Where I know she's not going to retaliate immediately out of emotion, anger, hatred, and spite. 
 
Is there a way to protect myself financially before doing this? Should I seek a lawyer?
 
I feel like I have a ticking atom bomb in my hands and it's going to blow at any moment. No one will be left standing. If there is a bomb squad that can help me diffuse this to mitigate or even avoid an explosion, I'll gladly accept the help.
 
Thank You for Your help!

 

 

My name is

Jenna Love Sinclair

 

Jenna is close to my middle name. Sinclair means pure and Jenna is my pure self. I chose Love because the world needs more love.

 

❤️??????♥️

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, Jenna.  I certainly understand how you feel and what you've gone through.  I think you're right to be worried about your wife's reaction when you come out, but sometimes people can surprise us.

 

I can't offer any financial or legal advice.  I do think seeing an attorney would be a wise choice, and I strongly suggest seeing a gender therapist.  They can offer good advice on how to approach your coming-out dilemma.  I wish you all the best.  In the meantime, please look around the forums and post any questions or comments, and we'll do all we can to be of service.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Vanessa Michelle]

@JennaLSinclairWelcome to the group and thank you for sharing some of your story with us. That's a very difficult situation for you to be in. Praying for guidance for you as you navigate this. Bless you sister ❤️

[Stefi]

Jenna!

Welcome to our group. Your story is compelling and similar to many of ours. I hope things turn out ok for you. We are here to support you.

 

Hugs!

 

Stefi 

[MelanieTamara]

It appears as though you are afraid you are going to lose everything once you disclose your feelings. Before you do, I might recommend that you consider is that Gender Identity and Sexual Preference are two mutually exclusive things. I think you should work on each of those two issues separately, in a sequence, before laying your heart out to your wife. It's probably best if you are firm in the path(s) you are about to embark upon.

[Ivy]

Welcome Jenna.   
I’m sorry you’re in such a place.    But I think it might be good to talk to a lawyer before you do anything in regards to your marriage.   There may be a way to protect yourself somewhat.  
And of course, a therapist would be a good idea too.  

[KayC]

Hi Jenna!  nice to meet you, and Welcome!

I am sorry to hear you are in such an unsupportive family and relationship situation.  Gender dysphoria and transition issues are tough enough as it is without the extra burden of what you face.

14 hours ago, JennaLSinclair said:

Is there a way to protect myself financially before doing this? Should I seek a lawyer?

YES!  I agree with @Carolyn Marie about both seeking out a lawyer (even just for advice to start and planning for the worst if needed) and therapy. 

D.C. is an "equitable property" state (not community property like most states) so why it might not be a split down the middle settlement nobody can usually take "everything" and lawyers are your best advocate (specially when its an emotional situation).
Also, the advice about seeking gender therapy is one I took when I first arrived on this Forum.  One of the best things I have ever done for myself, specially when you have that feeling of being in "prison" or the "ticking time bomb".  That's not healthy and you deserve better.

I know this is a long, hard road to travel but there is happiness at the other end .. what that "other end" is is for you to define, not your family or your wife.  Stay with us .. feel free to share your feelings ... there's a lot of wisdom in this Community here.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Delcina B]

Welcome Jenna! I am new here & will let those who have the wisdom & experience provide advice. I hope you find the love & support here I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Lexi C]

Hey Jenna

Sorry to hear about  your situation. Hell been there with the; "YOU BETTER NOT BE GAY!!" speech.

I don't want to come off as a jerk. But how can you still respect or lv a woman that will retaliate with so much hate and fury towards you. I say if you are really afraid of the out-come then empty out your portion of monies from all the accounts, write a letter and move to a safe state, one that you can afford and will provide help with your insurance and  get the F out of there. Stop wasting you time. Cause I got to tell the longer you wait to TG the worse it will get. This I can attest to.

Good Luck

Be Safe, Stay STRONG and KICK ASS

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jenna,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[JennaLSinclair]

OMG ❤️ Thank you everyone! I am so overwhelmed with Love and support that I am crying. I've never felt this before. I've been hurt for so long it's hard to believe I found you all. Thank you ?

 

Jenna

[Ann W]

Hi Jenna,

So glad to have you here.  I'm fairly new myself, but if you stick around, you may find that in a little while you will be coming from a place of more strength and confidence.  That's certainly been my experience.  Also, I can't agree more with the others about therapy, if you can work it in somehow.  And I might suggest being patient about coming out too soon to people.  I found that I really didn't know how to do it, and there's much to consider sometimes.  It could even have a significant impact your legal concerns.

 

I can't help but wonder if coming out to your wife is so necessary if she were that likely to use it against you, and you want to end the marriage anyway.  I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.

 

I'm still taking it very slow, but reading the experiences here on this site have helped me enormously.  It sounds like worst-case-scenarios are getting the best of you right now.  Let's shrink those fears down to their proper size, because you have some support, and you have time to sort things out (I wish I had this site when I was 43!).

Go easy on yourself...a better day is out there.

?

 

 

 

[JennaLSinclair]

@Carolyn Marie Thank you for the warm welcome Carolyn! I'm going to look for a gender therapist based on your recommendation. I do have a therapist not one specifically for gender dysphoria.

[JennaLSinclair]

@Vanessa Michelle ❤️ Thank you so much! It really means a lot to get the good thoughts.

[JennaLSinclair]

@Stefi Thank you for the hugs! I'm a hugger and I really miss them.

[JennaLSinclair]

@MelanieTamara Thank you! That is a great suggestion. I didn't think about them being as separate issues, you are so right about dealing with them one at a time. This is all so new to me. ?

[JennaLSinclair]

@Jandi Thank you! When I didn't see any options before, I am seeing some now. This really helps.

[JennaLSinclair]

@KayC Thank you! I don't know anything about legal issues. An equitable property State sounds promising. I'm in Southern Maryland. You are giving me hope!

[JennaLSinclair]

@Delcina B Thank you for the hugs! I'll take every hug I can get.

[JennaLSinclair]

Thank you @Lexi C for the encouragement. It means a lot to hear this. I wish I was as strong as you! But I'm getting there! ❤️

[JennaLSinclair]

Thank you for the welcome @Timber Wolf ! ? I am so glad to be here.

[JennaLSinclair]

Thank you @Ann W! ❤️ Patience was never my strength. Fears are really crushing now. It's really hard to deal with.

[Susan R]

Hello @JennaLSinclair, Welcome to the safest place on the web to share your story!! OK, my opinion.? Glad you found us. I can’t add any better advice than what you’ve already received. I think @Carolyn Marie had some sage advice to seek out an attorney and a therapist if your sure you’re wife plans to take it all and make things difficult. You can’t be too ready if this much is at stake.

 

I hope things turn out better than you expect but being prepared is smart. Transition is difficult because of all the facets in one’s life that it affect and the time it takes to get to a place of comfort after starting. Like @KayC says, “this is a long, hard road to travel but there is happiness at the other end .. what that "other end" is is for you to define, not your family or your wife.” This is so true. Your life is yours to live they way you want. It took me 56 years to figure that out and put it into practice. I wish you the best and hope to read about your next moves if you’re willing to share.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Confused1]

Hi Jenna, Welcome to the forum. It is hard to add to what has already been said. You said you are confused. I think it would be good to talk to a gender therapist first, if you can discretely, to better understand the path you want and need to take. I live in a very conservative area and have been surprised at some of the reactions from people around me.

 

I don't know what the legal system is there, but it might be good to talk to a lawyer. That said, your wife could have a totally different reaction than what you expect. How you present this to her can make a big difference. Many of us have faced what you are going though. As you can already tell, you will find support here for whatever path you take.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[JennaLSinclair]

Thank you @Susan R! OMG you're not kidding! This is great advice! I feel so humbled, thank you! It will help to be prepared.