I feel old and hitting the wall

[Katie M]

You are SO beautiful, Jenna!💜

[JennaLSinclair]

Thank you @Jackie C.! 

[JennaLSinclair]

 @Katie M! HUGS are the best thing ever! (Caught a typo, I almost said JUGS were the best thing ever! 🤣🤣 well I wasn't wrong!)

[JennaLSinclair]

On 2/14/2022 at 6:05 PM, Bri2020 said:

Damn girl! you and that dress, look out world!  I'm sorry I didn't jump into this thread earlier given so many similarities along the relationship front.. 

Did you end up liking your gender therapist?

The relationship rollercoaster is a wild ride for sure.

Mine had a great climb up, a HARD plummet and is now just racing along with all the twists and turns. We ended up separating but remaining very good friends. She tried to be Bi but just couldn't do it.

If you ever need an ally close by, I'm just over the river about 35 minutes from you. (And I know a great trans friendly consignment shop) 

 

@Bri2020! We must go shopping girl! I need a wardrobe! My gender therapist is great! I'll give you her number if you're interested. Well my relationship ended up plummeting too. 😭 My wife wouldn't even consider herself bi. Its still hurtful because she thinks that this is a choice for me and and I'm choosing Jenna over her. I'm moving out next month. We are separating. Honestly, we had issues way before I came out as Trans. It would be great to have a girlfriend to talk here! If anything, I need some of your fabulous shopping advice!

 

[JennaLSinclair]

On 2/14/2022 at 6:11 PM, Katie M said:

You are SO beautiful, Jenna!💜

 

@Katie M I got another one for you girl!

[Katie M]

30 minutes ago, JennaLSinclair said:

I got another one for you girl!

I wish you were in Colorado...we'd be dangerous together!💜

[JennaLSinclair]

Well my family ❤️, the relationship roller coaster takes another turn. I know it's been a hot minute since I last wrote but, I wanted to fill you in on what is happening.

 

It all started Valentine's weekend. 

 

We went to Karaoke Friday night at Freddy's Beach bar in Arlington, VA.

 

Saturday I ran errands, grocery shopping, picking up our diet food. I did all of this while my wife went to the spa. I also gave her flowers and chocolate covered strawberries.

 

Sunday I got to dress up as the maid! She had all of the control over me and that is exactly how I wanted it. That's all I've ever wanted. I cooked dinner; made pot roast and green beans. We had a wonderful time together.

 

Monday on Valentine's Day, I gave her a card with a handwritten long message, signed by Jenna.

 

That night (Monday night) is when it all went downhill. We tried to be intimate and I could not perform as a man. I did pleasure her. I told my wife that I wanted to become her wife. She did not take that well. She said she never considered herself a lesbian by any stretch. We had a huge argument that night. We had another one the next day. I believe it was Wednesday she asked for a separation. It wasn't entirely unexpected. Life is tough but, so am I.

 

I was actually relieved. I'm tired. Tired of all the arguing. Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm ready to finally go live. My life. Separation is the best step for us. She wants a man. I don't want to be a man. I am a woman. That's the definition of irreconcilable differences.

 

Separation is the first step. She thinks I'm going to work toward becoming a man and come back to her. We separated before about 2014, and I did come back to her rededicated myself to our marriage and thought that was what I wanted. We got back together in 2017 and haven't had sex since. I don't think it came as a total shock to her that I was Trans. My plan is to get settled in to my new place then in about 6 months or so file for divorce.

 

My parents found out about our separation. I had a really bad talk with my dad. They don't know why we are separating though. Dad gave me some questionable "advice"? He said he hopes that I'm not gay that if I am, then not to come out until after they have passed away. He said that Mom's family thought that I was gay because of the friends I used to hang out with in high school. He said he cursed them out saying that I wasn't gay. I guess defending me in his own way? Me being Transgender didn't even cross their mind. To them it's all the same. I still can't believe they vote Democrat. It's okay, Jenna is a tough bitch. I have to be.

 

I met with my endocrinologist on Thursday, March 24th. I am doing blood work this Monday morning. I have another meeting with my endocrinologist on April 4th to discuss the HRT process. She says she's treated several transgender patients and is very happy that I am taking this step to become myself.

 

It was funny too because she's also my doctor that helps me with my diabetes. The appointment began with me discussing about my diabetes and ways to manage it. At the end of the appointment she asked if I had any questions. I said well. The reason I wanted to meet in person was because I am transgender. I want to talk about how to begin HRT and what I need to do. She was shocked to say the least. Then she took a step back. Looked at me and said, "oh I see it! Obviously!" I'm guessing it was the way I was sitting, talking, and how I carried myself. I have to admit I do have a lot of feminine mannerisms and characteristics about me. I always believe in presenting myself in a lady like manner. I carry style and grace everywhere I go. I am kind everyone I meet. A lot of people don't catch up on those until they put two and two together. Then it's like. Oh yeah I see it.

 

Years ago I had a lot of depression, gained a lot of weight and mismanaged my diabetes and my endocrinologist was always on me on top of me. Criticizing me for not taking care of myself. She was kind of mean. Now it's like she sees where the depression came from. It's from me having gender dysphoria. Now she's treating me a lot nicer. I really should have came out sooner.

 

If I had any regrets, the only regret I have is not coming out sooner. There's no reason I shouldn't be living my life the way I need to. I'm sad, angry, and also excited. I'm excited about starting my new life! I'm looking forward to finally becoming me.

 

That's why at the very beginning I called you all my family. All of you treat me better than my family ever did. I care deeply for each of you. Thank you for being there for me.

 

❤️

Jenna

[JennaLSinclair]

8 minutes ago, Katie M said:

I wish you were in Colorado...we'd be dangerous together!💜

 

Or, we could be just right together @Katie M!

 

I used to live in Colorado Springs! I also lived in Bailey for about 8 months for a project working on Guanella Pass. Colorado is gorgeous and I would love to come back.

[Katie M]

1 hour ago, JennaLSinclair said:

Colorado is gorgeous and I would love to come back.

Be sure to reach out to me if you decide to visit or relocate!

[JennaLSinclair]

1 hour ago, Katie M said:

Be sure to reach out to me if you decide to visit or relocate!

 I will @Katie M! ❤️

[Lenneth]

Girl you've been on a roller coaster here!  I am glad you're in a better spot now.  The road towards finding yourself is a bumpy one at best.  I've had plenty of issues on that front myself.  I am glad I found this place and the fantastic support structure these wonderful people provide.  And yeah!  If you're ever up in MA, holler.  I'm about an hour or so south of Boston.  And you look great in those pictures.  I need to work on my make-up game.  I haven't been brave enough to try shorter skirts yet.  You're rocking them though! 🤗

[Susan R]

On 3/25/2022 at 12:28 PM, JennaLSinclair said:

 

@Katie M I got another one for you girl!

Gotta say….you look fabulous in that outfit! Very nice @JennaLSinclair!😘

[JennaLSinclair]

OMG @Lenneth! I am looking forward to the rollercoaster settling down at some point. I did finally find a small condo to rent nearby, so I will be moving soon! I got My first appliance for it! I love smoothies, my old blender broke. I got a Nutrimost Bullet in pink! I don't know why this excites me so much. I guess it's the first thing I can call my own. I cried when it showed up. One small victory for Jenna! ❤️

[Lenneth]

You take what you can get!  The first time I wore a skirt in public I almost cried too.  I don't have that particular blender, but ironically enough, I did get a little pink blender of my own as well, and for smoothies too!  For me, anything that helps take steps towards existing as myself is a thing worth celebrating no matter how small it may seem.  I go to a board game night every Tuesday and a couple weeks back we did a boys vs. girls night and just being grouped correctly made me smile.  So totally celebrate those things!

[JennaLSinclair]

Wow! 🥰 Thank you @Susan R! 💓 You made me realize that I desperately need to practice my wallpaper shot! I so need to get back into playing racquetball but I have no one to play with here! 😭

[Lenneth]

You've got a head over me.  I've never played raquetball in my life.  The most intensive physical activity for me is Dance Dance Revolution and I look like such a dork playing it.  😂

[JennaLSinclair]

HUGS @Lenneth! 🤗 My favorite is chocolate smoothies! I make one almost every morning. I use:

 

one cup of water

chocolate instant breakfast

chocolate protein powder

banana

Ice

 

Pour the water in first. Add the instant breakfast and protein powder. Close the lid and shake. Add banana and ice. Close the lid and blend. 

 

I made this every morning with a cup of black coffee. If I ever want cream in my coffee, I use a vanilla protein shake instead of cream.

 

I lost 63 lbs doing this! Changing my diet and adding exercise. It has done wonders for my attitude! 💓💓💓

[JennaLSinclair]

12 minutes ago, Lenneth said:

You've got a head over me.  I've never played raquetball in my life.  The most intensive physical activity for me is Dance Dance Revolution and I look like such a dork playing it.  😂

 

 LoL @Lenneth! 😅 You'll have to teach me how to play Dance, Dance Revolution! I would be tripping over my feet!

[JennaLSinclair]

Hello My TGPulse Fam!

 

April 18th! I move in to my new condo! Renting actually. It's got an amazing view of the city!

 

My wife and I are separating. She is moving closer to her work and I am staying in the area. I am a wreck. I cry a lot. I wish I could have been a better husband for her.

 

I spoke to my endocrinologist yesterday. We spoke about transgender care and my next steps. I will be on injections and spironolactone. The prescription is already called in. All I need to do is pick it up. I am terrified. This is a huge life altering step. Of course I'm feeling self-doubt. But looking back on the events that have happened since Valentine's Day weekend, I know it is time. I need to accept that I am Jenna.

 

I have to get training on how to do the injections before I can start taking them. My endocrinologist said that the changes will be a lot faster on injections. And to be ready. She asked if I was comfortable for that. So I might be out sooner than I thought.

 

This scares me because my wife and I agreed to meet for lunch once a month. She will definitely notice any changes. I wasn't ready to go through a divorce yet. My wife said she didn't want to be with a woman and I am a woman. That's the definition of irreconcilable differences.

 

Yes I'm terrified. Part of me has been waiting so long for this and a big part of me just fantasized about it for so long. I feel like I'm ready but I'm also scared at the same time. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. It's huge. It's a very huge step.

 

My endocrinologist also did say there is a risk of blood clots. That's why they are starting me off on such a low dose. She also said that there will be mood swings. It will be like a roller coaster ride. Happy and smiling one minute and crying and tears the next. Wow. I don't know how anyone could be ready for this?

 

That's the thing. Am I sure that this is what I want, or am I just trying to get away from my wife? This is big. A part of me didn't think I would actually get the medications. Now that I actually got them, I'm scared to take them.

 

Has anyone else experienced fear when starting HRT?

 

I'm pretty sure I'm ready, I'm just experiencing a lot of self-doubt at the moment. On the precipice of making a life altering change. It's scary. I've been seeing my therapist for almost a year and she thinks that I am ready. I wish I had as much confidence in myself as she does in me.

 

❤️

[JennaLSinclair]

Views from my new place! Swiped these from the posting! I promise to take new ones after April 18th!

 

❤️

[JennaLSinclair]

Okay fear's over! 💞 I went to the pharmacy and picked up my prescription! All I need now is training on how to do the injections. It's required by my insurance and the doctor wanted to make sure I'm not going to hurt myself doing it. I am diabetic and know how to give myself shots so I'm not unfamiliar with injections. But I'll jump through whatever hoops they tell me to.

 

What got me out of my fear was looking back at this post. I saw the struggle I went through over the entire year in order to get up to this point. I have come too far to give up now.

 

No More Fear, Only Love.

❤️

[Katie M]

39 minutes ago, JennaLSinclair said:

No More Fear, Only Love.

...and you're with the right group of women to support you!💜💜

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, JennaLSinclair said:

I have come too far to give up now.

 

No More Fear, Only Love.

❤️

Bingo

[JennaLSinclair]

21 hours ago, Katie M said:

...and you're with the right group of women to support you!💜💜

 @Katie M you're going to make me cry 😭❤️❤️❤️

[JennaLSinclair]

21 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Bingo

Thank you so much @Bri2020!! ❤️❤️