concerns with my wife

[shyla]

so, i came out to my wife 12 years ago, and at first she was ok with it. then she said she couldnt handle it, so i went back in the clothset. then i told her a year ago that i wasnt able to keep hiding from her and that i wanted to transition. she basically said she understood but asked me not to. so i went back into the clothset. which brings us to a couple of weeks ago. i told her that i was transitioning , and i explained that i love her and it wont change how i feel about or treat her. i have spent a long time over the last 2 weeks explaining the best i can about who i am inside and the differences between sex and gender. now it seems that she is finally accepting me for the real me. we have went shopping together for clothes, and this weekend she has volunteered to give me makeup tips. it is so good not hiding my real self from the one person i have loved for 27 years. my concern is that she will change her mind, she is notoriously fickle, and i cant go back again. i dont want to lose her, she is my best friend but if i keep pretending to be someone im not its going to drive me mad.

[Carolyn Marie]

Shyla, my only piece of advice is, take "yes" for an answer.    It's true, she might change her mind again, but the more she sees you happy, the more she sees people react to you as Shyla, the more she gets used to the idea, the more likely it is that things will only get better in time.  I wish you both happiness and success.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[shyla]

thank you carolyn, i do have a terrible habbit of over thinking things. by the way i just use shyla as my screen name on here my real name is dani.

[Niamh]

I have a similar situation. My wife is my best friend, and best friends are probably harder to find than romantic partners. She is accepting, but not generally supportive. We are in a sort of limbo land at the moment. I'm unsure if being Niamh 3 days a week (which she accepts) is enough for me, my wife is unsure if she could cope with me being Niamh 7 days a week. So we are taking things slowly. While I have a huge amount to lose if she refuses to accept Niamh full time, so does she. If I were absolutely certain I could not live unless I was Niamh all the time it would be easier, but that's not how it is and evaluating the value of friendship is not an easy thing to do. 

 

I'm not sure I've made it any simpler for you, but sometimes in life things are just not that simple. Maybe time if the best way to judge. What I do know is that I could NOT go back to Niamh being in the closet, She is here until I die.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, shyla said:

so, i came out to my wife 12 years ago

Hi Dani

I feel like I am at the beginning of what you describe as your 12-year journey to gain your wife's acceptance.  Mine started a bit over a year ago, and while we are still together there is a long way to go.  So while I hope it doesn't take her 12-years, your story does give me hope.

I feel my current situation is similar to @Niamh and @Carolyn Marie's advice "take Yes, for an answer".  Its better than the alternative.  In the end all of us will have to chose our paths to happiness and hopefully walking together with the ones we Love.  Hoping for this outcome for you.

Thank you for sharing your story and progress ❣️

[Susan R]

22 hours ago, shyla said:

so, i came out to my wife 12 years ago

@Hello @shyla I read this post and this is almost exactly how my wife and I would’ve been if I had came out to her over 20 years ago. We were both in a different ‘life stage’ back then.  I’ve discussed with my Frances on a few occasions what her reaction would’ve been raising our three young girls with me wanting to transition. What we came up with is about the same description as you describe in your story. Flash forward 22 years, she has practically become an advocate for my being authentically Susan. I hope that same will soon be the case in your relationship. Like anything off the beaten path, it can be a very rocky road and sometimes you need to take a step backward before you can move forward. But it does seem like your spouse is softening a bit now that you’re explaining and fully communicating your needs to her. That sounds very promising for you both.

 

My Best to you two,

Susan R?

[Confused1]

Hi Dani,

I am going to quote the 5 stages of grief that most people go through with loss. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It sounds as if your wife has gone through the stages most spouses go through. My wife did. As Susan mentioned sometimes a step backward has to be taken to move forward. I didn't really understand for awhile how much my wife was scared I might leave her. The difference between gender and It sounds as if you are at acceptance. I also see this as a YES.

[Confused1]

I'm sorry Dani, I have a hyperactive grandson and he hit a key that made it send before I could finish my message. What I was trying to type at the time is that it is hard for most to understand the difference between gender and sex.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Delcina B]

Thank you for the post Dani! It & other's replies help me keep this journey in perspective. It's not a race & others in our lives need time to accept us.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Melissa Mazurek]

My wife has known about 'me' since we started dating, however, I know how she feels about me transitioning.  She did not fall in love with a 'woman.'  She has gone out with me dressed, and I had my own apartment for my 'other' side, etc., but deep down she has to know there is more to it than clothes and going out.  I am about to have 'the conversation' soon, too, and I just know it won't sit well.  I am sure she is going to ponder the whole thing, and I will give her that time and space.  Two things I will say that are true.  Regardless, I will always love you and want you to be my partner as we have been.  Second, I will never abandon her or my daughter.  I broke down at dinner tonight and started crying because of the potential loss I will endure....lose my family or lose my sanity....rock...and hard place...Scylla and Charybdis....I think the replies speak for all of us.  Thank you.  Hugs.

[Guest]

My wife of 13 years is supportive and encouraging. I’m full time and we go out as a couple. Despite that, I know that as I continue on my journey our relationship may evolve into something new and that may also mean the end of our marriage. I just focus on being honest and supportive of her needs and hope for the best. 

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Dani, the accounts above are similar to my story. I’ve been married for 41 years and like most, I was able to stuff Sandra back in the closet for a few years. She kept knocking on the door until I was caught dressed in the middle 90’s.

 

With no internet we relied on an old college psychology book to look for answers. Sandra went back in the closet again but she didn’t stay long. I have been slowly accepting that I am trans feminine and have been more open about the woman I am.

 

My wife tolerates me but we still have a ways to. Sandra will be free one day and I hope I still have my family. Taking slow steps seems to work for me.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra