Curious about people's experiences with how it feels to be genderfluid

[Julia]

So...I'm trying to figure some stuff out.

 

It just feels like I've been going around in circles with my gender questioning process for upwards of four years now, and genderfluid is a label that's always been on my radar, but has never felt quite right. But I think I'm starting to realize it might be closer than I originally thought?

 

Since the very beginning of my journey with identity was being the Most Enthusiastic Ally Ever, I learned all the basic terms (and more) very early on, which meant I often discounted them if they didn't apply to me at that very moment. Just recently though (like a couple months probably), I've started to go back and see how I feel about some of those labels now, and I'm dipping my toes into genderfluid at the moment? I guess??

 

Part of why I so often would lead myself back to "no you're just cis don't overthink things, ~silly~" is because of how I could go long periods of time without thinking about gender at all. As in, I didn't feel pressed or worried, didn't feel (what I think is) gender dysphoria, was happy presenting and being referred to as my assigned gender. Then every so often I'd be like "oh god don't call me that," "don't put me in this box," "I just really hate my chest right now [but I'm gonna want it later!]" and re-enter the questioning thing all over again.

 

I originally discounted the genderfluid thing because it seemed like, from the few books and blog posts I read about it, it was a clear cut "I feel/want to present like x gender today," not this nebulous, "I feel iffy about this specific aspect of gender identity right now," thing I had going on. But maybe that is what, at least some, genderfluid people feel like?

 

I know that I don't *have* to find a label, now or ever, but I don't think that's what I need to hear right now? Basically, I've been thinking about this for ages, and I'm frustrated, and even if it changes at some point I'd just like to feel some sense of "that's it!" because having a label to work with would at least help me feel less alone and find people with similar experiences.

 

So, after that long preamble, I guess I'm asking genderfluid folks how it feels for y'all? How do you know what will bring euphoria one day, dysphoria the next, or apathy another time. How did you figure it out, and what type of social transitioning/presenting did you experiment with till figuring out what worked/didn't? Also, how much do you want to have shapeshifting as a superpower?

 

Interested to hear what y'all have to say!

 

PS. Representation matters - my okayness-with-exploring-this-label levels went from 2-25 now that MCU Loki is canonically(ish) genderfluid lmao

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, Julia said:

"I feel iffy about this specific aspect of gender identity right now," thing I had going on. But maybe that is what, at least some, genderfluid people feel like?

I'm not genderfluid but I can confirm due to the experience of someone close to me that yes, that is exactly what it is like--also mixed up with the shame that can go along with enjoying activities and fashion that don't go with your societally prescribed gender. When figuring out what works for you, it's not always going to be that something makes you uncomfortable because you really, personally do not enjoy it. Sometimes, if you have ever been hounded by shame or placed in certain categories by rigid people, you're going to be led to believe that the real you doesn't feel happy or comfortable with something just because it would be embarrassing to admit it to someone else. It can be hard to predict what's going to make a trans person euphoric even if they have one gender, so I don't think you can always know ahead of time.

[KathyLauren]

I am not genderfluid.  I sometimes wonder if people who are questioning settle on genderfluid as a more "official" term, when they are really still questioning.  Just throwing that out as a thought.

 

I do have a friend who is genderfluid.  They will decide from day to day what gender presentation they wish to present that day.  They are in the military, which means that they have both male and female uniforms, and wear the appropriate one for that day's presentation.  Their co-workers are apparently used to it by now.

 

My friend's mind is pretty much made up about their identity.  They call themselves bigender, because their presentation is never androgynous.  They are always either male or female.  They recognize that their sense of identity may be evolving, but they are not questioning their current sense of it.  It is quite definite and settled, for now.

 

I don't know if that is helpful.  As I said, I have no direct experience with genderfluidity myself.  But my sense is that my friend's identity and your description sound quite different.

[KaiTheGreater]

Genderfluid is one of the labels I use. Like you, it took me awhile to settle my mind on whether I was trans or cis or something in between, because mostly I just felt apathetic. Most days gender was not a big deal to me, and I had neither dysphoria nor euphoria. However, there were days that I felt definitely felt distinctly comfortable or uncomfortable with my AGAB, which only confused me further.

 

Because of the dysphoria I sometimes felt, I started exploring what made me feel most comfortable or happy with myself each day, even on neutral days. Rather than trying to check a box of "trans or cis today?", I just tried to have fun imagining myself however I wanted, and I kept a journal about what that looked like from day to day. I kept this up for awhile, and it led me to experience euphoria in unexpected ways. I started seeing patterns of things I didn't find words for until much later- but I grew to be comfortable with knowing who I was even without the labels.

 

Sometimes feeling gender-neutral *is* what gives me euphoria- or at least what makes me feel most comfortable with myself. Sometimes I just don't care to put words to it because gender doesn't feel important that day. (You might also want to check out the term genderflux). The important thing is that you feel comfortable being yourself. Gender can be a roadblock to that sometimes if you're feeling dysphoria and nothing feels right, but getting an idea of your ideal version of yourself- even if that's different from day to day- can help you learn to counteract those feelings.

 

I wish the best for you in your discovery of yourself! It can be a wonderful ride. Feel free to respond here or contact me if you want to chat further.

[Sally Stone]

Julia,

 

I think I fall under the genderfluid label, but at the same time I feel the term bigender describes me well.  I think this highlights the issue regarding labels: a single label can never adequately capture who we really are.  As complex as we humans are, this isn't so surprising.

 

You asked how does one know what will bring euphoria one day, dysphoria the next, or apathy another time; the answer for me is, it was impossible to know from one day to the next.  Any dysphoria I experienced usually came about because the circumstances wouldn't allow me to express my feminine persona.  Since I now get to be Sally any time I want, I rarely experience dysphoria.  

 

I identify as genderfluid simply because I have strong masculine and feminine personality traits and can be happy expressing my male persona or my female persona.  The key is, I need to be able to express both sides.  

 

My life situation has dictated that I exist mostly as male and I'm perfectly happy with this scenario but I am happy and content because I possess the freedom to express my feminine side whenever I want to.

 

Ultimately, I think it is perfectly okay not to choose one gender identity over another.  I know for some their internal personality is either mostly male or female, which drives a need for them to assume one persona over the other.  If you are like me however, mostly on the fence about which side suits you best, then I'd say you are genderfluid.  That doesn't mean your feelings won't change as life or life situations play out; that of course, is perfectly okay as well.  

[Davie]

On 8/11/2021 at 5:52 AM, Sally Stone said:

I identify as genderfluid simply because I have strong masculine and feminine personality traits and can be happy expressing my male persona or my female persona.  The key is, I need to be able to express both sides.  

Right, @Sally Stone

For me that's a long-term goal—to be happy expressing a male or female persona with ease. My female side is way too shy as yet. She's still afraid she'll get whacked for expressing herself though my "whacker" has long since passed away. Fear is a long-term disease to let go of, but I'm open to change one day at a time. It really helps to hear others' stories and points of view.

Thanks,

Davie

[stveee]

Dust In The Wind