Out as questioning-leaning-femme to my partner

[Rosie.]

Hey Everyone! 

 

So I've been with my partner for about two years now.  I've been openly non-binary throughout our relationship, and have identified as so for a few years.  I'm not out of the closet in any meaningful public sense.  At work I've presented as male (for context, AMAB). 

 

Anyway, during the pandemic I started experiencing gender dysphoria (discomfort with male pronouns, presenting overtly male, body hair stress, discomfort with the tone of my voice, body issues, general cultural expectations, etc) in a much more concrete way. I've always felt this otherness from the body and the cultural expectations around my assign gender, but only really took the time to dig a little deeper recently. I've been experimenting with my gender presentation, and definitely have been leaning into my feminine side both in my personal life and at work.  With a mask, I present pretty androgynous. 

 

So, where am I at as far as my gender identity? I'm terribly confused, but have a strong feeling this inquiry is going to end with a transition landing somewhere on the feminine end. I think the thing the *literal* light-bulb moment was my first moment of gender euphoria.  It was something small and maybe silly.  A few months ago I was at a dollar general buying lightbulbs. There was a bit of a line and two registers. At one point it was unclear whether the the woman next to me or I was next to checkout. This stranger just said "oh, you can help her next", referring to me. WOW, I've never felt so seen and elated. At the same moment filled with this weird fear that the moment would end with someone identifying me otherwise. Anyway, I walked out feeling this wonderful dopamine rush. 

 

Since that first comfortable-gendering-experience, the same has happened multiple times. A handful of times i've had strangers use "they,/them" pronouns, which were also perfectly comfortable but not quite as joyous as "she/her".  This has really forced me to confront my where I'm at with my gender identity. So here I land asking myself those big questions. 

 

So that brings me back to my relationship.  Feeling all of these big feelings, I promised myself I would tell my partner about this inquiry. I told myself "this is the night" three times before I mustered up the courage to tell her. Then, it finally happened.  We had a really long conversation where I talked about how I was feeling and how I'm struggling with my gender identity and am trying work through it.  Specifically that I feel like I would find myself as a trans woman and I want to explore more of my femininity. I want to find a therapist and build community resources and be more open with friends about my journey.  She was very supportive, kind and loving. I don't think she was terribly surprised either.  She just sounded like she wanted to know what my current view on the trajectory could be. She has since been doing research and trying to help link me with resources.  I know there are no guarantees on relationships going through transition, and transition is certainly stressful for partner at the best of times, but I'm really happy with the progress we've made in this short time.  I know she is feeling stress about how her family will react and potential discrimination at work, but we're communicating about our fears and trying to work them out.  

 

Right now, I feel good. I'm talking with mental health providers and reaching out to LGBT centers near me.  There's a lot of tough situations ahead, but I feel at least empowered to take action on these lingering feelings. 

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share some good news/developments on my journey. 

 

Thanks for listening!

 

-Rosie!

 

 

 

 

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on the new awareness, and on the support from your partner!  Wishing you success and happiness on the journey.

 

That first gender euphoria is a convincer, isn't it?

[Davie]

Congratulations @Rosie. I see here a lot of confirming emotional and psychological work that you've already done on your journey. I feel also that I'm coming out with "a transition landing somewhere on the feminine end," as well. The past two weeks I've come out to two large health organizations and my insurance company, so I've given up my list of "Out" people--too many to count now. (That's a lot of people but not yet my all my closest friends or family.) I'm on a waiting list for a gender therapist now. It's a process, I guess. One day at a time.

All the best to your journey,

Davie

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Rosie.. Congratulations on these new insights & what blessing to be with a supportive partner. For all the tragedy accrued due to the pandemic, it's been an auspicious time for self-reflection. Much love and happiness to you. 

[Rosie.]

On 7/13/2021 at 1:23 PM, Davie said:

I'm on a waiting list for a gender therapist now. It's a process, I guess. One day at a time.

 

 

I just had my first session with my gender therapist this weekend! It was such a huge relief for me.  I've been experiencing so much fear about all things gender, but just taking these first meaningful steps has been huge. Unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover the kind of care I need, but I found a therapist who has a reasonable pay-scale for out of pocket.

 

I hope you can connect with a provider soon, and I hope they can empower and support you on your journey!! Thanks for the kind words  

 

-Rosie

[Davie]

Thank you, @Rosie.

Yes. Should be helpful. Also will be tough sledding. These things are like that—but I need the eggs (an old joke from a  movie). They help me in the long run to be honest about all that stuff and it rescues my earlier life from imaginary monsters and deep fears. And helps me move forwards. I know enough from previous therapy to remember how it helps me to talk about a life that repressed such a large part of my identity, to accept it as "what it is," and to move forward into real happiness (you know . . . and a much better wardrobe).

Good luck with yours,

Davie

[Charlize]

Rosie i am glad to read you have found a therapist.  I know that helped me.  You are also fortunate to have a partner who will support you.  This is never an easy journey and unfortunately some of the eggs that Davie mentioned may get broken.  Don't worry we all need to break a few.  

Hugs,

 

Charlize