Coming out to family questions and thoughts

[Karma39]

I am wanting and needing to start coming out to my family over the next week. I am thousands of miles from the majority of my family but have some very close to where I live. I am not dependent on them in any financial way only wish to have their support on an emotional level. As I am in my 40's my Mom and Step-Dad are on my mind as to the best way to bring this up. I have written a letter and my Mom is really technically skilled, so that is not a concern over a digital medium if needed. I am partial to a letter but open to other ideas. It is just how I will deliver and frame the context around the letter I am struggling with. I can easily email it but the subject line is on the challenging side. I also would rather not just attach the letter and hit send.

 

My thoughts at this time are to call her and see what her plans are over the next few days and if there s a good time she knows of and call then as I send the email with her able to check email. Then introduce the letter and ask her to reach out when she has had time to think through it after reading it.

 

Always happy to discover what I do not know.

 

- Emily

[KathyLauren]

Personally, I prefer the face-to-face approach where possible.  But sometimes circumstances make a letter the way to go.  My brothers were a long distance away, so I told them by email.

 

For a subject line and "cover letter", I would just tell them that you have something important to discuss with them, and that you'd appreciate if they would read the letter soon and then contact you.  You want the subject line to convey the idea that this is not a run-of-the-mill "how are you doing?" email, without necessarily giving it away.

 

Good luck with it.  Coming out to people is always stressful, but hopefully it will go well.

[Chiefsrule58]

    If you want a more personal touch and are afraid of not saying what you want to say perhaps, you can call them and read the letter to them. The only other thing I would suggest is to consider giving them the information in small doses especially if its unfamiliar territory for them. At the end of the day follow your heart and you will know which way to go.

Best wishes,

Jamie

[DeeDee]

I waited until I could tell folks in person, it has meant waiting quite a while after my sisters to tell my mum, but was worth it as I could gauge her reaction and filter how much to say accordingly. The big lead being, you may not fully understand or agree what I'm saying but I just want to know you still love me. Ended up getting a great reaction and my mum is vying for an unofficial best ally badge now lol.  You will know how your family handles "big news". Good luck!

[Karma39]

Thank you all for the thoughts and suggestions. I will add in what I am able to for my situation and I will think about how I can talk as much in-person as I can.

 

I really do appreciate the feedback as you know this is a stressful thing to prepare for before you can even says a word to someone close.

[Confused1]

I am not out to many, but I did it in person with everyone, except my sister and step mom, who live a long distance away. I told those two over the phone. The first words my stepmom said were "Nothing you could tell me would make me not love you." My sisters reaction was pretty close to that.

 

A couple of people, one of course being my wife, required more time and many conversations. I have one daughter who has become distant, but there are other issues at play besides my coming out. I think it helps to do it in person and tailor it to their personality if possible. Everyone is different.

 

Mike

[Chiefsrule58]

        I think its also important to keep in mind that the initial response from someone may not define the outcome. My wife and my mother in law both took awhile to come around. I think seeing how much better things are for me now is what made the difference.  Another thing that helped my wife was her talking to my therapist and chatting in a forum like transgenderpulse. It is good for your loved ones to have support too. 

Jamie  

[Karma39]

I talked with my Mom and Stepdad yesterday and wanted to let you all know how it went.

 

Thank you for the suggestions to have this conversation in-person. I took your advice.

 

To start I must say that after we talked we went for ice-cream, which is to say it went very well!

 

I started the conversation by talking about topics on how this may be a challenging talk or cause concern and questions, but put a positive perspective out there. I made sure to in general ways to address issues that could occur before I even began. I went over my understanding that we need each others help and I want to do all I can to help and be helped.

 

I eased into what is a topic difficult to do this with as best I could. I made comments throughout how happy and amazing I am and feel. I expressed how important it is for them to be a part of my happiness.

 

The moment when I mentioned a possible question and gave my answer is when I started to tear-up with joyful tears. I said I could imagine being asked "when did I discover or figure this out?" and I went on to give my answer. My answer is there is not a when answer as I have on some level always know even if I didn't understand what I knew. I said when I realized my total acceptance of self is what is more profound than when did I know.

 

When I said that I will have challenged and obstacles ahead and my acceptance and choice to be alive and a real participant in life is more important and beyond any bad thing that could happen. I cannot imagine something so bad that can happen, even a grave end that would sway me to chose not to be alive and a part of my life and the life of those I love and care for.

 

My approach when I began to ease and create a position of care for my mom and stepdad I know is important for creating a starting point. I slowly worked to what I needed to share and ended with thoughts on how I can help them find and get to a place of better understanding. I gave them the choice to let me know when they have had time to let this all sink in and continue to talk and share.

 

I wish anyone coming out the best outcome possible & a suggestion to start from a place of care.

[KathyLauren]

Wow, @Karma39, it sounds like you put a lot of thought into what you wanted to say, and that it went very well as a result.  Well done!  Good luck going forward.

[Karma39]

Thank you @KathyLauren, so sweet of you to say. I did put a lot of thought in and it was well worth doing so.