Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Telling my mom once my dad moves out


Jazz-per

Recommended Posts

My parents are fairly transphobic (more my dad than mom) which always makes the prospect of coming out riddled with intense dread; however, my parents are getting divorced and my dad will be moving out once he gets a second job. So I wrote up my coming out to my mom and wanted to run it by you all before the day comes when I actually have to go for it.

 

Dear mom,

 

     There’s something important I need to tell you that I’ve known for over a year now and just wasn’t really sure how to tell you. I’d prefer if dad doesn’t know this yet hence I’m telling you first. I have done research, prayed, and soul searched before coming to this conclusion and making a decision I feel is best for me and my mental safety. To stop beating around the bush I’m trans. I would appreciate it if you would use he/him pronouns for me (they/them is cool too, but he/him is preferred) and I’m trying out the name Jasper (Jazz) at the moment.

 

I imagine you’ll need a moment to process that and encourage you to take it before reading the next part which will mostly be my feelings, research, and what this means for my future. Please take time to process anything. I’m out so as to give you the time and space you may need for this and should you need a few days I have some friends who I can stay with should that be what you need.

 

For as far back as I can remember I‘ve had a persistent brain track that went something along the lines of: I should’ve been born a boy. Maybe I was born a boy and my parents magically had me turned into a girl. To be completely honest I thought everyone had them and felt weird about asking about it so I kind of just ignored it.

 

I didn’t even know the word transgender until 8th grade when Phoenix came out. Before that I remember wanting to bind down my chest with a scarf to look more masculine. Feeling extremely happy (euphoria) when I was referenced to in a masculine way and an intense desire to be perceived in a masculine way which came across in my „tomboy“ phase of life. This then led into a hyper feminine one after I learned what trans was and wasn’t prepared to face that part of me. This led to me getting into the retro dresses and makeup which, while I still love, they caused me distress to wear and know how I was being perceived.

 

I remember having to watch Nikki go through puberty and being objectively horrified that my body would do that too... that my body would betray me by becoming so feminine and curving... boobs in particular caused me abject terror and I remember the distress that came when mine did grow in.

 

What this all entails for my future is simply that I would like to go and see a gender therapist and then (with their recommendation) go to an endocrinologist and receive a T prescription in a gel format. I have researched this out in detail and the main changes that usually happen are: muscle/fat redistribution, voice deepening, facial hair, and hair loss. All of these are only potential though and not all guaranteed. Hair loss happens at the normal age it would happen for a cisgender male.

 

After that I would like to look into getting top surgery. This surgery is incredibly safe and done in a host of ways. It’s purpose is simply to give a flat chest. It’s a much safer alternative to binding my whole life since binding can cause about the same damage as wearing a corset your whole life.

 

Binding (as mentioned in the previous paragraph) is also something I would like to do. Binding is done through compression tank tops that give the wearer a flat chest. They are safe so long as you follow the guidelines fully. They are to be worn no longer than 8-10 hours, not to be slept in, not for exercise, etc. I am fully aware of these things and will bind safely.

 

Please be aware this is something I have prayed about and continue to pray about. It’s been very difficult for me... it wasn’t an easy realization and I know I have to do what’s best for my mental health and safety which is transitioning. Staying as a girl would put me in danger and I can’t live like that. I hope you can understand and respect my decision even though you may not accept it. This is something I’ve deliberated for a very long time so at least know it wasn’t something that was rushed into.

 

I still love you and am the same crazy kid I’ve always been.

 

With love, your son,

 

Jasper

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jasper i wish i had read this before replying to your post about Self Doubt.  I looks like a good letter to me.  I don't understand the second sentence in the third paragraph.

3 hours ago, Jazz-per said:

To be completely honest I thought everyone had them and felt weird about asking about it so I kind of just ignored it.

 

You might want to be more specific about "them" .  Male organs, doubts?

Otherwise the letter and you plan look good to me but again younknow your situation and parents better than i do.  Please don't put yourself in a dangerous position.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Hi @Jazz-per. This is a well thought out and sensitive letter. Here's my feedback. Please note none of this is meant to be critical. I am proud of you and honored you'd share this with us, and I can tell it's important to you and that you want honest feedback. 

 

Regarding Charlize's comment above, by "them" did you mean "these thoughts"? In the 1st paragraph, I suggest you use "transgender" instead of "trans" as your mother may not be familiar with the abbreviated term. In the 6th paragraph, I suggest you say "testosterone" instead of "T" for the same reason. Also in the 6th paragraph, consider striking the word "simply" because what you endeavor to undertake is not simple. As for the 6th, 7th & 8th paragraphs in which you elaborate on your medical transition goals (the 8th not actually medical, but related), you may consider condensing the details to just the first steps you'd like to take (therapy & endo) and waiting to share surgery goals with your mom. This is of course up to you and you must trust your own instincts. I only suggest this because since you stated your mom has transphobic tendencies, it may be easier for her to process a bit less information initially. 

 

Good luck!!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 59 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.4k
    • Total Posts
      765.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,845
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Chris54
    Newest Member
    Chris54
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Elishevak
      Elishevak
    2. thoustan
      thoustan
      (20 years old)
    3. Tony123
      Tony123
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.newwaysministry.org/2024/03/04/as-a-catholic-doctor-i-know-gender-affirming-care-is-essential-for-transgender-youth/     Carolyn Marie
    • Birdie
      I'm not sure for most, but in my case all my friends when out and about are cis women. I'm accepted right into the fold and we have normal 'girl talk' conversations.  We talked about everything from female issues (yeah I get some of those) to shopping and sales.  We talked about cute guys, and some of our dates as well.    I really don't have any 'guy friends', more like acquaintances.    Even when I was in boy-mode I was never accepted into the fold with the guys and always hung out with the girls. They could sense I was different. Of course the guys didn't have to deal with monthly cramps and such, but I did. 
    • KayC
      I'm with Vidanjali (... again! 😊).  I agree more with the first half of the statement than the last half.  'Fools and Fanatics ..." hold on to their delusional ideas with a death grip, in part when they are supported by their chosen tribe of similar lost souls. The truly 'wise' understand the human condition and could even have compassion for those who have lost their way.  Ultimately though, the wise WILL often speak out against intolerance.  If not vocally, then more importantly in the example they provide in how to live a Noble Human Life.
    • Davie
      More JK Rowling Transphobia: Rowling Calls Trans Woman Journalist "A Man...Cosplaying" Rowling took to Twitter on Monday to call trans journalist and broadcaster India Willoughby "a man," "cosplaying a male fantasy," the latest in a long list of transphobic remarks from the author.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I can't tell if the Moms for Liberty group is focused only on school libraries or if they look at general public libraries as well.  Because the purpose of those venues is rather different.  I see school libraries as a much more focused collection, especially for the younger grades. In this topic's headline story, the South Carolina library in question is a public library   I did check out some of the "60 Minutes" interview, and I'm suspicious.  Seems it was filmed in October but heavily edited and only released recently.  Typical establishment media stuff.  I think one of the worst things you can say about MFL is that they assumed the presentation would be unbiased and consented to participate.  I would have thought they'd be smarter than that.    It seems the book banning efforts aren't particularly coordinated.  They get together in a group and rate books on a 1 to 5 scale on issues like nudity or sexual descriptions.  Local folks then see what titles are on the shelves, and decide whether they want to get rid of everything that's a 3 or greater, or just a 5....something like that.  I doubt efforts are consistent from place to place. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Being stuck with unfriendly parents and not having choices can really suck.  I lived in that situation until I was 26.  I even was forced to attend a "light" version of conversion therapy to get any support from my parents to get the art training I wanted after high school.  I was fine when my sister still lived at home, but she moved in with a girlfriend and left me with my parents.  That was the most depressed I've ever been.    But situations do change - sometimes that change happens to us, and sometimes we make it for ourselves.  Rather than focusing on the dread of what you think might be happening politically, why not make a list of things you'd like to change and how you might accomplish that?  For example, if you want to move out, you'll need money.  Focus on earning money in any way possible, and saving it up while you have the advantage of a roof over your head.  Is there somewhere you would rather live?  Check out what life might be like there.  If you don't know anybody there, maybe meet a couple of people online, or see if a local friend might want to go there with you when the time comes.    Sometimes having a good future means laying groundwork for that future ahead of time.  There are things you can do, and any little way that you can start preparing will make you feel like you have some agency in your life.  It sets a goal and a timeframe, and goalposts by which you can measure your progress.  There is hope, and you can do it!
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Pretty sure there's a wide gap between how you and I see the world...which is fine, as it makes things interesting!  To me, sending a message to cis folks that I'm not like them is absolutely the opposite of what I try to do.  I'd rather be seen for my similarities than my differences at most times.  You mention people seeking their tribe - which has certainly been a big thing in my life.  But is a trans person's tribe necessarily other trans folks?  Would we expect the same from members of other minority groups?  Are Black people supposed to seek out other Black people to spend time with?  Are Greek people (like me) supposed to seek out members of the Greek diaspora in the US?  What about people of a specific faith - are they supposed to spend time only with their faith community?  What about those of us who are LGBTQ+, an ethnic minority, and of a specific faith?  Which aspect of a person's identity takes priority?    I wonder if by focusing on finding the LGBTQ+ tribe and emphasizing how different that tribe is from others, if some people might be missing out on greater acceptance that they might find otherwise?    Isn't it also a question of degree?  For example, one of my friends works as custodian in the main building of my husband's workplace.  She's trans, very feminine, and she looks really nice in feminine clothes and feels comfortable expressing herself like that.  But isn't there a difference between an outfit of subdued colors/modest cut/small accent jewelry vs. a different outfit that is in bright colors/revealing, or even something overtly LGBTQ+ oriented?  Both hypothetical outfits could be described as feminine, but one attracts attention and the other doesn't.  Which is the better choice for her in the workplace?  In the grocery store?  Is the hypothetical subdued outfit more likely to make my friend look and feel less feminine or experience dysphoria than the one that draws more attention?  (And to avoid the "false dilemma" fallacy, these are just two examples - avoiding vs attracting attention is likely a wide spectrum of options.)    There's also an issue in that we can be misunderstood or misidentified by the clothes we wear (or don't.)  For example, you mention me being a "nudist."  Actually, that doesn't identify me correctly....there's subtle differences in purpose and beliefs.  But I couldn't blame folks for assuming that if I showed up totally without clothing.  The principle applies to how folks dress when they want to express themselves.  Even if they mean to find their tribe and identity with it, what impression is left on those around them?    I think that activism and appearance are very linked in this way - that the intended meaning may be very different than what is actually communicated to those around us.  It is perhaps a source of much of the friction we deal with.        I wonder if people are different on this as well.  If I'm not feeling safe, the last thing I want to do is be noticed.  Since getting assaulted 18 months ago, I definitely am quieter and I don't put myself out there as much.  Is it a privilege to be quiet?  I kind of disagree.  I think the real privilege might be that when you aren't quiet, when you're attracting more attention than necessary, yet not experiencing something negative from that. 
    • Vidanjali
      So like a mathematician to think in binary terms lol. There is illogic in my boy's statement though as he begs the question (logical fallacy when an argument's conclusion assumes the truth of its premise instead of supporting it) by assuming first that there is (1) something wrong with the world and (2) only one thing wrong with the world. Besides that, he seems to denounce the natural diversity in human intelligence & assume that the wise should ideally assume some sort of active leadership or control (not to mention his assertion is elitist). Moreover, isn't it so that those who are full of doubt truly are not so wise? As a counter example, many enlightened sages have said that self-realization is the highest attainment and that exuded genuineness is what inspires others, not activity, per se. 
    • April Marie
      Hmmmm, following Carolyn Marie's lead......I'm not sure. 😉🤣
    • VickySGV
      The MFL group has actually been voted out of several school boards recently, which is a good start to undo their mischief.  How many of them are actually mothers of children, and which of them are under investigation by Child Protective Services agencies?? 
    • MaeBe
    • Ashley0616
      It's fun to do. I found a free editor called Camtasia. I'll start using that. Let me know when you do. I'll be a first subscriber. 
    • MaeBe
      I do not. I might have to with all you superstars putting yourself out there though!
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Do you have one?
    • MaeBe
      Good for you, Ashley! Subbed! 🤩   💜Mae
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...