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Telling my mom once my dad moves out


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My parents are fairly transphobic (more my dad than mom) which always makes the prospect of coming out riddled with intense dread; however, my parents are getting divorced and my dad will be moving out once he gets a second job. So I wrote up my coming out to my mom and wanted to run it by you all before the day comes when I actually have to go for it.


Dear mom,


     There’s something important I need to tell you that I’ve known for over a year now and just wasn’t really sure how to tell you. I’d prefer if dad doesn’t know this yet hence I’m telling you first. I have done research, prayed, and soul searched before coming to this conclusion and making a decision I feel is best for me and my mental safety. To stop beating around the bush I’m trans. I would appreciate it if you would use he/him pronouns for me (they/them is cool too, but he/him is preferred) and I’m trying out the name Jasper (Jazz) at the moment.


I imagine you’ll need a moment to process that and encourage you to take it before reading the next part which will mostly be my feelings, research, and what this means for my future. Please take time to process anything. I’m out so as to give you the time and space you may need for this and should you need a few days I have some friends who I can stay with should that be what you need.


For as far back as I can remember I‘ve had a persistent brain track that went something along the lines of: I should’ve been born a boy. Maybe I was born a boy and my parents magically had me turned into a girl. To be completely honest I thought everyone had them and felt weird about asking about it so I kind of just ignored it.


I didn’t even know the word transgender until 8th grade when Phoenix came out. Before that I remember wanting to bind down my chest with a scarf to look more masculine. Feeling extremely happy (euphoria) when I was referenced to in a masculine way and an intense desire to be perceived in a masculine way which came across in my „tomboy“ phase of life. This then led into a hyper feminine one after I learned what trans was and wasn’t prepared to face that part of me. This led to me getting into the retro dresses and makeup which, while I still love, they caused me distress to wear and know how I was being perceived.


I remember having to watch Nikki go through puberty and being objectively horrified that my body would do that too... that my body would betray me by becoming so feminine and curving... boobs in particular caused me abject terror and I remember the distress that came when mine did grow in.


What this all entails for my future is simply that I would like to go and see a gender therapist and then (with their recommendation) go to an endocrinologist and receive a T prescription in a gel format. I have researched this out in detail and the main changes that usually happen are: muscle/fat redistribution, voice deepening, facial hair, and hair loss. All of these are only potential though and not all guaranteed. Hair loss happens at the normal age it would happen for a cisgender male.


After that I would like to look into getting top surgery. This surgery is incredibly safe and done in a host of ways. It’s purpose is simply to give a flat chest. It’s a much safer alternative to binding my whole life since binding can cause about the same damage as wearing a corset your whole life.


Binding (as mentioned in the previous paragraph) is also something I would like to do. Binding is done through compression tank tops that give the wearer a flat chest. They are safe so long as you follow the guidelines fully. They are to be worn no longer than 8-10 hours, not to be slept in, not for exercise, etc. I am fully aware of these things and will bind safely.


Please be aware this is something I have prayed about and continue to pray about. It’s been very difficult for me... it wasn’t an easy realization and I know I have to do what’s best for my mental health and safety which is transitioning. Staying as a girl would put me in danger and I can’t live like that. I hope you can understand and respect my decision even though you may not accept it. This is something I’ve deliberated for a very long time so at least know it wasn’t something that was rushed into.


I still love you and am the same crazy kid I’ve always been.


With love, your son,



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  • Forum Moderator

Jasper i wish i had read this before replying to your post about Self Doubt.  I looks like a good letter to me.  I don't understand the second sentence in the third paragraph.

3 hours ago, Jazz-per said:

To be completely honest I thought everyone had them and felt weird about asking about it so I kind of just ignored it.


You might want to be more specific about "them" .  Male organs, doubts?

Otherwise the letter and you plan look good to me but again younknow your situation and parents better than i do.  Please don't put yourself in a dangerous position.





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Hi @Jazz-per. This is a well thought out and sensitive letter. Here's my feedback. Please note none of this is meant to be critical. I am proud of you and honored you'd share this with us, and I can tell it's important to you and that you want honest feedback. 


Regarding Charlize's comment above, by "them" did you mean "these thoughts"? In the 1st paragraph, I suggest you use "transgender" instead of "trans" as your mother may not be familiar with the abbreviated term. In the 6th paragraph, I suggest you say "testosterone" instead of "T" for the same reason. Also in the 6th paragraph, consider striking the word "simply" because what you endeavor to undertake is not simple. As for the 6th, 7th & 8th paragraphs in which you elaborate on your medical transition goals (the 8th not actually medical, but related), you may consider condensing the details to just the first steps you'd like to take (therapy & endo) and waiting to share surgery goals with your mom. This is of course up to you and you must trust your own instincts. I only suggest this because since you stated your mom has transphobic tendencies, it may be easier for her to process a bit less information initially. 


Good luck!!

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