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Coming out at work.


Beth Susan

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Hi everyone,

Not sure if this is a good idea. I have come out to family, all is great. I want to come out at work. It is really getting to me being called by my given name, and gender incorrectness. 

I have done little to change my physical body, not started HRT/GAHT and still have the five o'clock shadow. And yes I do fully dress female and make-up when at home. Just really feel I need to at work. Happily, I get away with alot already, even some make up. Thanks to COVID-19 we all wear masks all the time. Hides the major issue. Oh, also working on my voice, still unsure. But these people have known me as male, and will see most of the changes happening. Not sure why I need to wait. Importantly, the company I work for has a fully accepting policy for all types of people. Or so the website says. Will plan to talk to HR first and go from there.

Please feel free to give thoughts. I need the guidance. Thank you.

Hugs,

Beth

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Certainly, it will get easier after you have started HRT and facial hair removal.  But I totally get why the dysphoria is starting to get to you.  If you can coordinate coming out with the changes from HRT, it might be less awkward.

 

I was retired already when I started my transition, so I didn't have quite the same situation.  But I was a member of the local volunteer fire department.  I phased in changes gradually.  First, I shaved of my beard.  Lots of guys lose their beards in summer.  Then I got my ears pierced.  I noticed that the chief wore an earring, so no one was going to say anything about that.  Then I started HRT.  The changes were gradual, so no one commented.  Then, about the time my boobs were getting awkward to hide, I came out, before anyone started to ask what was going on.  And the changes were far enough along that I looked semi-convincing.

 

It was all very smooth, and I had no grief from anyone.  Similar to your company's policy, our department was covered by legislation, so I knew in advance that there ought not to be a problem.

 

I hope it works out well for you, however you choose to handle it.

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I transitioned at work, but waited to tell everyone until I had my legal name & gender changed, and had finished my laser hair removal process.  I worked for a local government, so getting my legal ducks in a row was important.  Management knew ahead of time, and I had a team to help plan.

 

But everyone is different, and everyone's priorities and work situation are different, so please do what you need and want to do.  I wish you all the best of luck!

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Thank you KathyLauren and Carolyn, it helps. I been thinking the lines of during HRT is happening and can not hide it anymore. Wish I could retire, that would lower the stress alot. And you are right Carolyn everyones situation is different. I will keep it all in mind.

Hugs,

Beth

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Yeah this is been on my mind but I think people are just not going to "get it" until months into HRT and I start obviously feminizing. I am a little anxious about it, but I also feel like I should not rush the process.

But I understand the weirdness of people using your old gender, it's like we're not having a convo, they're talking to an image etc. 

I think I will know when the time is right, when I get a sense whispers and rumors circulate, getting strange looks and will have to get control of the narrative. 

My job is not gender-affirming at all lol. I work by myself most of the day. We wear uniforms, face masks, etc. And I typically keep to myself. But I am already considering a person or two I may confide in who I suspect is queer-friendly. 

I mean, if I was CEO or an executive of a company and one day out of the blue I show up in a dress, sure the impact of that, knowing I have team members under that depend on me and I make decisions in consideration of shareholders- that's an entirely different transition scenario than being a line worker in which many don't even know your name. 

20211110_130947-1.thumb.jpg.1660cbe34015203bc6335e0e2e7e855b.jpg

I recently replaced my shoes that I wear to work with laces of glittery silver ones to girly them until I find women's shoes for winter. So transition at work is a process, too like everywhere else as I gradually detox from testosterone.

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Whelp, this is anecdotal but a friend of mine won't be transitioning medically at all. Her wife said, "I don't care what you call yourself, I don't care what you wear, but if HRT or surgeries become involved, we're getting divorced." She's completely out at work. She dresses in feminine clothing, everybody calls her by her name and she's living the best life she can. She still has 5 o'clock shadow (though she shaves a lot and tried laser). She still has a bald spot. She's still living her best life and everyone at her company gives her their full support.

 

Make of that what you will.

 

Hugs!

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I have been on HRT for 3 months now and right after I started HRT I came out to HR just to make them aware. The HR person was very understanding and so supportive telling me that they will move forward at my pace. I feel I really cant come out until I can get FFS and change my voice, uggg. Some days my impatient nature really gets to as I just want to be at work as myself not the made up person I am now. 

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Wow, some real good food for thought. Thank you everyone. Probably best to wait till I look more girly physically. Hardest part is finding the electrologist. My little city is a black whole for this sort of situation. Nothing helpful here.😭

Hugs,

Beth

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Well,

I just had a talk with the benefits coordinator where I work. She chairs the diversity, inclusion, and equity committee where I teach. I wonder if I just jumped off the cliff or not. Sometimes you get that sick feeling after doing something. Time will tell. I asked for her discretion until I am ready to evolve at work. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds. 

Sincerely

Katie

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Katie,

I truly hope it all works out as you want. Also, that those answers do not take to long happen. We all have to wait to much as it is.

Beth

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2 hours ago, Beth Susan said:

Katie,

I truly hope it all works out as you want. Also, that those answers do not take to long happen. We all have to wait to much as it is.

Beth

Good evening Beth,

 

As you've seen the advice here is very caring and sound. If you're the employee, then you should take your time, and hopefully there is an HR person you can talk with before you just jump in with both feet. Slow and steady is always better when it comes to your work environment.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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4 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Good evening Beth,

 

As you've seen the advice here is very caring and sound. If you're the employee, then you should take your time, and hopefully there is an HR person you can talk with before you just jump in with both feet. Slow and steady is always better when it comes to your work environment.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Mindy,

I agree. That is how I planned it. Just want to be moving forward. Gladly I can say my therapist thinks I am ready for HRT. Looking at going to an informed consent clinic in the near by city. I will call in the next week or two. And find an electrolysis too. So work will wait. More important things to get to. Plus if all goes well, I will be more myself when I go to deal with work.

Again thank you all for your thoughts on my situation. It truly warms my heart that people who care are close and easy to talk to.

Lovingly,

Beth

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My work in high school is my only truly safe space right now. Faculty and students are both great! It's more comfortable for me to be known as my true self there than at home or anywhere else...so far. I do hope home is safe someday 😞

 

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On 11/18/2021 at 1:26 PM, Jamey said:

My work in high school is my only truly safe space right now. Faculty and students are both great! It's more comfortable for me to be known as my true self there than at home or anywhere else...so far. I do hope home is safe someday 😞

 

Big hug Jamey. I hope the same for you. Home should be the safest place. I am glad you at least have school. Best wishes for better days soon.

Beth

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Thank you, Beth. Fully agree! But it least I have somewhere. Some of us don't even have that one place. I know some of my students are in the same boat as I am, and they're KIDS. Some of them are literally on the streets because of it (insert angry emoji). I will never understand how parents can reject their kids to that point....

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9 hours ago, Jamey said:

Thank you, Beth. Fully agree! But it least I have somewhere. Some of us don't even have that one place. I know some of my students are in the same boat as I am, and they're KIDS. Some of them are literally on the streets because of it (insert angry emoji). I will never understand how parents can reject their kids to that point....

 

No idea and it infuriates me. Some parents though are toxic enough to have a, "My way or get out," mindset. One of my friends got thrown out of the house in High School for not being what her parents expected. I have no idea how you could do that to someone who's so dependent on you.

 

It's surprisingly common though. We had a work meeting where we were shown a poem about the "heartbreak" of having a kid with autism. I absolutely went off on that thing. I found it incredibly anger inducing. None of the other techs saw anything wrong with it. That's stuck with me. The point being that a lot of people with children are willing to throw their kids away if they're not what they expected.

 

There's one damn rule for having children and that's, "Love your kids." A lot of people though? Apparently that's too much.

 

Hugs!

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2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

There's one damn rule for having children and that's, "Love your kids." A lot of people though? Apparently that's too much.

 

 

This! So this!! ❤❤❤

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Well said Jackie. I totally agree and would be right beside you at that meeting. My son, and maybe me never been tested, has Asperger's. Not the end of the world just have to change the way we understand it and interact.

Beth

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