Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

A journey within the journey


Britany_Relia

Recommended Posts

A lot has been happening with me this year.  I found out I had a cyst in my brain which was congenital. (arachnoid cyst)

This has complicated my transition journey because now it's just as much a journey on this other side of things medically.

Though I was not sure where to go with this problem so I decided to give this forum another shot.

I want to start out by talking about the issues of my transition currently as a result of all of this. Yet I can't help a segue into the other issue. I was well on my way to happiness and knowing myself when the journey found me in therapy and therapy brought me to doctors, which ultimately resulted in an MRI and a diagnosis of a life-long issue which has been interrupting me on so many levels of self that it's not even funny.  

Because my understanding of what people told me all my life was slowed down through a language barrier as this cyst presses on the language center of my brain, I was unable to understand most of life and society.  It has taken me so very long and going through mental loops that no one should have to perform just to get to baseline normal that it's borderline impossible that this was my life, but it was. 

So now I'm sitting here two weeks out from surgery and it isn't even transition related.  I feel estranged from my transition sometimes.

I almost forgot the part that brought me here. 

I've been feeling lately like, I've just started to feel / think some of the things that most of everyone thinks early on in their transition.  Like within the first months.  The way my brain works, I've always been in the advanced questions before ever finding out how to phrase the intro ones.  So in a lot of ways I'm two steps forward; doing a turn-about and taking two steps backwards but in the same direction if that makes sense.

My old self is gone, you know? I've changed so rapidly.  With a rapid schedule dose increase in the early months to get to target female range within 6 months, I was already rushing through feelings.  I even started progesterone probably way too soon (I don't really take it at this point, it's just sitting in my drawer). Anyways, it is just starting to truly hit me that my old self is gone.  That I'm not that 'me' anymore.  Everything about me is different now and it's just about a year and a half HRT soon enough.  My personality was never solid before.  At first HRT had stabilized my personality but then things got so much more complicated.

It's been so much to process especially as I was already to my limit.

Even though it's been this complex, my journey inside of a journey has started to show me who my true self really always has been.  For me, that self was not only locked behind dysphoria but also by a neurological issue.  Yes sometimes this type of cyst does nothing.  It affected me my whole life and made everything that much harder to process, including my transition. 

I don't know why I'm making this post except that I just really have to tell my story. 

I may not be the self that I was back then, but I am the self that I am now.  And that version of me knows the way through so many things.  I guess I just have to look forward to the part where I'm able to apply it all, with a clear head... after this surgery. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Dear @Britany_Relia, I'm happy to read that you have successful had surgery.  

16 hours ago, Britany_Relia said:

My old self is gone, you know? I've changed so rapidly.

I don't subscribe to that notion.  When we start HRT our mind and body begins to change.  I believe (at least for me) that mentally we see parts of our psyche and emotions that were hidden.  With the HRT parts of us that provided a shield are cast off.   We may see this as a disconcerting time.  I know I did, but soon things even out and you (hopefully) will find peace that your "good", or happy parts are not gone but are brought to the front.  Now we still have to deal with all the things that transition brings but there is a clarity  of thought now.  I understand you've had surgery and you need to heal from this and readjust to those changes.  But don't feel that the person you knew is gone.  She's still there.  Please try to integrate her into  your life.  

 

Hugs,

Jani 

Link to comment
On 12/1/2021 at 11:14 AM, Jani said:

Dear @Britany_Relia, I'm happy to read that you have successful had surgery.  


 But don't feel that the person you knew is gone.  She's still there.  Please try to integrate her into  your life.  

Hugs,

Jani 

 

I've already changed myself feelings on that.  I've always been a girl. That 'me' still exists..I've got some more work to do to totally integrate her but I've started it...

And, the surgery is soon but not done yet.  I was just trying to write here to get my feelings to make some kind of sense about everything.  Finding out I needed this surgery while being in the midst of second puberty just really wrenched it for me. 

But I let some things go today so hopefully I can get closer again to feeling the joys of my journey, and not just the struggles.

Thanks for replying Jani 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   0 Members, 0 Anonymous, 164 Guests (See full list)

    • There are no registered users currently online
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      769.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,057
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Aleksandria
    Newest Member
    Aleksandria
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Conner_Sent_By_Cyberlife
      Conner_Sent_By_Cyberlife
      (22 years old)
    2. CtN1p
      CtN1p
    3. heyim_finn
      heyim_finn
      (21 years old)
    4. Jayn
      Jayn
    5. joni_girl_1988
      joni_girl_1988
      (51 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ladypcnj
      Thanks Sally Stone
    • KymmieL
      Thanks, Mindy. It has been so far. Tomorrow, work some more on the wife's grand monkey. Got the right side of the hood primed, just need to do a little more work on the left then I can prime it. Then a 600grit wet sand.   I promised the wife we would take out the bike this weekend.   Kymmie
    • JessicaMW
      During my last visit with my psychologist (who has agreed to provide required letters of recommendation along with a colleague to provide the second) we discussed the shift towards my wife's acceptance. It was a long discussion but one point I mentioned was how much the two of us sitting down and watching this documentary helped:  The Kings | A transgender love story (2017)
    • Betty K
      Oops, I did not mean to post that comment yet! I was going to also say, having read a mountain of commentary on the Review, I think Julia Serano’s response (linked by Vicky above) is the most accurate and thorough. You can also read a non-paywalled version at Substack: https://juliaserano.substack.com/p/the-cass-review-wpath-files-and-the   To me the three key areas in which the review is deficient are:   1. As has already been said here, its views on social transition;   2. Its attempts to give credence to the “ROGD” theory (without ever actually mentioning ROGD because presumably a canny editor knows that would be too transparently transphobic);   3. To me, most crucially, its claims about trans youth and suicide, which are dealt with summarily in about five pages and do not stand up to any deeper scrutiny.    I will be writing about each of these issues in isolation over the next few weeks and appearing on a radio show and podcast to discuss them late in the month. I will post links to these on TP later if anyone is interested.   All that said, I actually think it’s dangerous for us to respond with outright vitriol and condemnation to the review since, like any effective piece of disinformation, it does actually contain some factually based and even helpful recommendations. The Tavistock Gender Identity Service really was underfunded and understaffed and certain staff were not adequately trained. Trans kids really were funnelled away from mental-health support once they started gender-affirming care too. So yes, more investment in youth psychology services would help, as would a less centralised model of care, more training in treatment of trans kids, and more research.   One last thing for now: beware the claim that Cass ignored 98% of studies. That’s not strictly true. She seems to have taken other studies into account but leaned heavily on the 2% that met her standards. Nor does she ever claim that only randomised controlled trials are good enough evidence to justify the use of blockers for kids; just as with ROGD, she strongly suggests this, but is too canny to say it, because she knows such trials would be impossible. For now, I think the best response to this comes from the Trans Safety Network: “[…] we believe there to be systemic biases in the ways that the review prioritises speculative and hearsay evidence to advance its own recommendations while using highly stringent evidence standards to exclude empirical and observational data on actual patients. “ (https://transsafety.network/posts/tsn-statement-on-cass-final-report/)   To me, the scariest aspect of all this is that, if it follows Cass’s recommendations, the NHS will very likely follow Finland’s recent model of trans care, which seems to amount to a prolonged form of conversion therapy. I can’t find the link right now, which is probably lucky for anyone reading this, but I bawled my guts out reading the testimonies of kids who had been mistreated by that system. Truly horrific. To me, at least from my Australian perspective, the Cass Review is the most frightening development in trans rights in recent years. To me, the safe care of trans kids is THE number one issue in politics atm.   Ruth Pierce has a good summary of responses from trans folk and their allies sk far: https://ruthpearce.net/2024/04/16/whats-wrong-with-the-cass-review-a-round-up-of-commentary-and-evidence/    
    • Sally Stone
      Welcome to the wide, wild world of transgender, M.A.  It can definitively be overwhelming, but everyone here is amazing, so no doubt you'll get bunches of wonderful support. I think you'll be happy you found us.   
    • Sally Stone
      @Ladypcnj  This is so true.  I think all of us here have had a post or two that didn't get a response.  Sometimes, it's as simple as adding to your original to post for a clearer explanation, or re-reading what you wrote originally, and rephrasing it.  But don't despair, we aren't ignoring you.   Hugs,   Sally 
    • Willow
      So, we left for lunch in our Taos, talked and went to the dealer and came home with the Cadillac.  
    • Betty K
      I have just finished reading the Cass Review, all 380-odd pages of it, and am totally open to questions including via DM if anyone wants more information on it
    • Abigail Genevieve
      What season are you?  If you don't know, look around on the internet. Or ask a girl friend..  Maybe someone here is even a color consultant?   And there are guides on figure-flattering clothes for all shapes that you should look into.    Abby
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Just know that your kids will probably turn out OK, in spite of the chaos.  One of my partners was widowed in her very early 30s, left with 3 kids.  They're teens now, and one graduated a year ago and is working, but still living at home.  A few bumps in the road, but the three are turning into responsible young adults.  It is amazing how resilient kids can be.  They should be able to handle your changes as well.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Had my time with my 2 long friends I was in the Army with.We went through the photo books and talked memories.They also found about the guy that bullied and sexually assaulted me.He is in prison,sexually assaulted and raped 2 women off base.Doing a 40 year sentence for this and was dishonorable discharged
    • Cindy Lee
      I've been transitioning now for eight months but have been wearing women's clothing for 2+ years. I am over weight and approaching my 72nd birthday. I have purchase my solid color clothing online and recently graduated to 'V' neck tops. I have been hesitant to get anything more girly due to family issues, though with my hair style I am able to totally pass when dressed in a skirt and blouse.   About two  months ago I finally went and got my nails done (which I truly which I had done long ago) though not red nor pink (again family issues). To date I don't think I am having problems with being trans unlike others seem to have. The biggest problem I am having is with my clothing. Any suggestions my girl friends might have would be greatly appreciated.   Cindy
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Umm.... if a post is ignored, live with it?   My stuff gets ignored sometimes, and its OK.  My life is different, and may seem kind of wacky to others.  Some folks just can't relate, or if I'm needing advice they just don't have it.  Diversity is like that sometimes.  If your post gets missed, don't take it personally.  Also, stuff that is new on weekends seems to get ignored more, since most folks are busy with family or other stuff during that time.  Overall, I think people here are pretty helpful. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I'd really love a professional stove.  There's actually one I want at Lowes, but its like $6k.  I've got plenty of money, the issue is that I'm not the queen (king?) of my den.  Or even of the kitchen.  My partner (husband's wife #1) owns that territory, and she's very attached to what she's got.  One of our stoves has 6 burners and a large oven, the other has 4 burners and a regular household sized oven.  And of course, there's always the wood-burning equipment.    Today was interesting.  We had the first campaign fundraiser for our sheriff and my sister.  My sister is running to be constable of our township.  Pretty sure she'll win, as her opponent is an old dude who is mostly running on "Don't elect a woman for a man's job"    What's weird is our sheriff is running as a Democrat, but he's conservative.  And his Republican opponent sounds like a leftist.  Welcome to Upside-down-ville   And of course all the kids got the chance to sit in a sheriff's car, and play with the lights.   We had a barbecue lunch and a dessert auction.  I baked three apple pies for it, and I was shocked that they sold for $20 each, since my cooking isn't that great.  My partner made her famous "Chocotorta."  It's like a chocolate layer cake with cream cheese, sweetened condensed milk, and it tastes amazing.  Usually we have it for Christmas and other really special occasions.  Two guys got into a bid war, and it sold for $175!!!    Yep, this is politics in the South.  Barbecue, pies, and police cars.  A great way to spend a Saturday
    • Davie
      Yes. That report is part of a conspiracy to torture and murder trans people. It is a lie. It is evil.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...