I So Want To Be A Size 12/14

[Guest ~Nikki~]

Okay, my name is Nikki, if you go to the chat room you already know me.

I am struggling with a major weight issue. I so want to lose the weight. But I feel if

I do my wife will leave me. I have several things going on right now.

1) I married my wife, the woman I love and will love for the rest of my life.

She is the most amazing woman ever (besides me that is, lol, joking, no, really she is).

I cant imagine life without her.

I finally told my wife of 12 years how i feel, and that i feel like a woman inside. I am not sure exactly

what I am classsified as. I guess my pychologist is figuring that out. My wife walked out for a short time

when I told her. She was so very angry, (no, I didn't blame her). I thought I lost her forever. 30 or 40

minutes she back. Scared, (thinking I am leaving her) we began to talk. We haven't stopped talking now in two weeks.

She is such an amazing woman, I ove her so much, I can't bear the thought of losing her, and I feel

if I lose the weight and go on hrt she will leave me. She, herself suffers with major weight issues.

If I lose lose the weight , I am fearful she may think I am prettier than she is and feel she is not good enough for me.

2) I want to lose the weigh. At the moment, I am 300 + pounds, about 310 I believe.

I wish to be half of that atleast. But right now, because I am extremely overweight, I have breasts, and love how they feel.

I know I can go on hrt, But my wife is asking me not to. She is not comfortable with me doing that yet.

I hope she changes her mind, I really do want breast, but I made a promise to her and I will keep that promise.

I love her so much. I don't want to ever lose her. I can't stand the thought of not being with her. I am more than willing to give up srs.

I really dont want srs anyway. I am more than happy to be a pre-op the rest of my life.

I don't know if I live with out my breasts. I love how they feel. I love wearing bras, (yes ladies I actually do love wearing them).

3) Next, we have 5 children. They are all amazing kids. I don't kknow if I can ever tell them about me. They are all younger children

12 and under. They are about to learn that I hate body hair. I have shaved it all off from my face downI love my legs and how they feel, and my breasts look so much better with out the hair. But summer is here and jeans are too heavy to wear, I need to wear shorts. I hate jeans anyway. I have been stuck in jeans for the past 25 years. I want to wear something way more comfortable (i.e. skirts), but at the moment I am not allowed, even around the house.

My wife only finding out a couple weeks ago, does not want the kids to know about me and my "issue".

All I want is to be comfortable and feel right about myself. I know deep in my soul I am a woman. Everything about being a woman just feels right.

I always felt I am a woman. I love so many girly things. I just wish I could experience more right now. I want to sit out on my deck at night in a skirt and top and talk with my wife and enjoy the night air.

I hope that since she is accepting me right now, that she will accept me going on hrt. I want to lose this weight, I need to lose this weight. BUt I feel if I really try and my wife is not losing the weight, She will get upset with me.

Okay, I think I have proven I am a woman. I can talk forever, I am also Irish. So, being an Irish woman would be amazing for me.

Please, I am asking for feedback. I just want friends to help me with my everday struggles.

My wife is there, but this life is too new to her. She is learning, but she is also scared one day she will wake up and her husband will gone and she will have me (Nikki) laying next to her in bed.

Thank you for reading this.

Nikki

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hi, Nikki!

Let me welcome you to the Playground, first off!

We can share some coco and cookies,,,,,OK?

We run a pretty nice place here...we don't judge people and you can be whatever you need to be...

Now....You seem to have a VERY full plate!

I can tell that you love your wife very much, but as you may know, this is harder on the person being told then the person doing the telling...Lots of information very quick at one time!

I came out to my wife after 29 years of marriage and she never had a clue! To say that she was shocked is an understatement...

It was a little tenitive at first and scary for us both...not knowing where it would lead!

But her and I have made peace with it and want to stay together and she is behind me now and I'm transitioning...I'm in month 4 HRT ! And we have no children! Your wife probably has no idea how to break it to the kids seeing that they are so young.

Honey...I think that you have a LOT of talking to do with her to get this all ironed out...I see that you are already doing things to make yourself more comfortable and you are seeing a therapist...GOOD!

So, right now you need to talk, talk, talk!

You can start loosing weight now, too...

When you go on hormones you gain weight back and in different places!

And one day she will wake up and her husband WILL be gone...but YOU will still be there....you will always be you! Make sure that she knows that!

Good luck, Honey...keep the communications open....it's the only way!

****BIGG HUGG****

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Nikki,

I truly envy you for having such an understanding spouse. That in itself will make any transition you do make

so much easier. I can't imagine how difficult it is when a woman hears that her husband wants to be a

woman too. It takes a lot of bravery to hear that and still stay beside him and help him through it.

That said, I would hope that your wife would understand and encourage at least a moderate weight loss on your

part, if for no other than reasons of health. Perhaps if you couch it in those terms, she would be more accepting.

You could encourage her to join with you in an exercise or weight loss program so you could do it together and

support each other. That way neither of you is going it alone.

I wish you the best.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Nikki~]

Thankyou Donna Jean,

I love the whole Laura's Playgound site.

I do have a ot on my plate and we are talking alot.

I am getting much more comfortable with my wife as Nikki, but she still wants her husband

I can give her that for now, we both know it is going to be a long hard road for both of us.

You sound like an amazing woman.

Thank you again,

I will be around a lot.

Nikki

[Guest Paula :)]

Hi Nikki,

My thoughts are with you honey, I know from experience taking the first step and talking to your partner is incredibly difficult, and you've done it!

It was a double edged sword for me, as I'm sure it will be for you. Your wife will be scared about the future, possibly even angry at times, but she'll also be relieved that you aren't hiding such a significant part of who you are from her. It's openess and honesty that keeps relationships thriving!

Best of luck, for both of you, on this journey.

You'll see posts from my partner Kim here ... she's really quite, um, direct, when it comes to posting her thoughts and feelings. I think this is a wonderful avenue for her to express everything that she feels about what is happening to us. I would hope that your wife could join here and find solace in posting and reading other's feelings. This is a scary prospect, given sometimes those SOs feelings hurt, but overall the outcome is so positive.

Very best of luck honey, we're all with you along the way ...

Paula

<3

[Sally]

Nikki,

You have a lot of work cut out for you, balancing a transition and a relationship is not easy but well worth the effort.

I would work on losing the weight it isn't good for you - I'm working my way down from 360 myself.

A lot of us tend to but on weight as a reaction to our low self esteem and feelings of guilt that we have carried for years.

No need for shame or guilt - it is just who you are.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Nikki~]

Thanyou all, I know I am in the right place. Everyone here makes me feel so welcome and comfortable.

I know I will get through this.

I love you all.

Thankyou again,

Nikki

[Guest Treasa]

I understand where you are coming from (regarding your marriage). I came out to my wife over a year ago, and we're slowly working through the issues and insecurities that crop up. My wife has moved from betrayal and disappointment to a place of support and acceptance. She isn't thrilled, but she will stick by me while I make the changes I need to.

It takes time. It takes effort–from both of you. And it takes an absolutely wonderful spouse to stay with us (as I am sure you are aware).

Regarding your weight issues, I think you should work on losing the weight anyway. If you are ready to do the work necessary and make the changes you need to, then there is no reason to be unhealthy about your weight. (I'm slowly losing some weight myself, as well.)

I have a child and I was concerned about how to deal with him (granted he's only a year and a half old at this point, but he does keep getting older). I did a lot of reading on tg parents and one of the most interesting essays I found was by Jess Brangwyn, the daughter of a trans man: Yikes! You're A Transgendered Parent! Now What Do You Do?. It hit quite a few of my concerns squarely on the head. It's worth the read.

Good luck,

Treasa

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Hi Nikki

I'm divorced but do know that communication and not hiding anything is your best effort. From what you have said you are already doing this. Very Good! Listen to what your wife has to say and try not to argue with her. She is in shock and will need time to take all this in. Keep showing your love for her and that you are still there for her.

Hugs,

Suzie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You have some wonderfual advice.

I do want to add something I know Donna Jean did - and something I should have done with my wife - Dee Jay sat down with her spouse and told the truth. She DIDN"T hold anything back. She said exactly where she was going and how she probably would get there. She took a huge gamble on their love. It was successful, and both are better for it.

I didn't do that. I did sit down with my spouse and told her I was diagnosed transsexual and given options. I said I was going to start HRT as soon as possible, and THAT destroyed any chance at my wife being part of the decision making process. We then had to go through eight months of hell working everything out - mainly caused by my bullheadednes (now there is a male thing!). I knew I would transition - and all the way - I cannot help doing so, it is my salvation and my birthright, but I wasn't wise enought to bring my wife along at first, other than asking over and over: "why can't you accept me?"

Finally, she saw I really did want her with me. We reconciled and she unconditionally accepted me. We now say such a simple resolution? Why did it take us so long to reach it? maybe because we needed to work out all the issues, but it would have been so much easier another way.

I am not suggesting every transperson can work out transition with a spouse or a partner, and have that spouse or partner stay. The odds are in the other direction, but...

What I am saying is, like with your therapist, try being brually honest with your spouse or partner.

Good luck on your journey.

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Treasa]

I have to agree wholeheartedly with what Lizzy said. Sitting down with my wife, and telling her everything, made it possible for our relationship to survive transition (I don't know that it will, but I am hopeful).

I had a difficult time getting mine to sit down to talk, though. I think there was too much tension and a whole lot of "Um, we need to talk." going on. That didn't do our stress level any good. Coming out is one thing, but open and honest communication is the only way that she is going to feel like she is involved in what is going on, it's something that has to be worked on continually (especially if either of you are prone to just deal with things on your own).

Lots of love,

Treasa