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My bad luck at coming out in dating.......


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I know that I've had some negative experiences trying my luck at this. Once I told a woman I was seeking to date that I was transgender and her response was "Why?" and she never brought it up again. I could not easily make out what she meant. Eventually we became acquaintances and we don't date. However, I should note that I had only known this woman for a short time when I said it. Another time, again at the beginning of our friendship, I said several things to a woman that indicated I was more feminine than a man probably ever could be. I think a fair number of women could pick up on that. My comments were PG but they were obviously showing interest in her. To be honest, for whatever reason, I was dazed that she didn't want the kind of feminine attention I wanted to show her, woman to woman.


A very close friend of mine from school was convinced at some point - and I don't know why - that I was a gay male instead of a transgender woman and therefore could show no interest in her. We were in school together during the early-mid 2000s, if this gives any indication of how girls in their teens at that time viewed transgender women. I think I could say that I was completely stealth to almost all girls and that's quite an unusual place to be in. The good thing is that she eventually thought about it and she knows me a lot better today, and we're still really close.


In general, I think a lot of women are pretty clear about their intentions to only go after masculine dudes. But, I have heard success stories where a woman who has been in a relationship for a long period of time with a transgender woman learns about her being transgender, and then is fully accepting. 


I have never been fortunate to meet a woman who was like "Oh, you're transgender? I guess that's exactly who I'd been looking for..." or even "Well, anyway, I'll support you just because you're you." 


Sorry for the very negative recollections. Even though it's a hard coming out story, sharing is caring.

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  • Forum Moderator

I present female. I'm attracted to women, but I'm demisexual so your experience may vary.


So being trans is nobody's business but mine. I only tell people if it's relevant to what we're doing. For example, I tell doctors and employers that I'm trans and ask if it's going to be a problem before we deepen our relationship. Yes, I technically have federal protections right this second, however at the state level it's still legal to discriminate against me for access to health care, renting property and employment. Most people don't care, but it only takes one with some power to ruin your day.


In a relationship, the fact that I'm not cis doesn't matter until we're at the point where we're likely to get intimate. I would absolutely tell a partner before that happens, but until then we're just two girls out having fun. I honestly don't think someone who was actually into you would dump you just because you're trans. I know I wouldn't. If I'm attracted to you, I'm attracted to you. End of story.



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1 hour ago, Artpetal said:

I have never been fortunate to meet a woman who was like "Oh, you're transgender? I guess that's exactly who I'd been looking for..." or even "Well, anyway, I'll support you just because you're you." 

I recently reconnected with an ex-girlfriend who did this exact thing and it shocked the bejeezus out of me.

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Hi there @Artpetal, thank you for sharing this. I relate very much to the "they all thought I was a gay guy" experience, and then the word would get out so that everyone would think that. I also think the unresolved question in my mind, before coming out, was whether my feelings about women were lust or were they envy? In the end I concluded it was mostly envy but I resisted that idea for years, and because of that many relationships were founded on a false pretense that I was a cisgender guy. was in a relationship at the start of my transition, and my then-partner was the first person I came out to. That relationship ended earlier this year. I am in no hurry to begin dating again at this point, because I am in the very best relationship with *myself* that I have ever been in! One more thing... one of my most trusted and best friends today was someone I originally met from a dating site more than ten years ago. I am really glad it worked out that way, because if we had pursued a relationship then, we might be connected this way now. 🥰




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