Loneliness post-disclosure

[Desert Fox]

For whatever reasons....disclosure of our trans-ness has led to a new level of loneliness and depression. Despite what seemed like initial support and the "you're so brave", "so glad you're being your authentic self" etc., I feel more alone than ever. People have ghosted me....they don't call back, they don't return emails or voicemails....we were terminated from our job last year about a month after disclosure, and we are picking up on the hate among those that used to love us which we think is due to them feeling betrayed or lied to for so many years of not disclosing this. Yesterday, even our therapist ghosted us, missed the session, didn't call or explain why. Just no communication.

 

The few trans people I've known locally have also ghosted us. Maybe it's because we are not able to socially "transition" right now. Maybe because we don't identify as a binary MTF so they can't relate. I don't know.

 

We (speaking as both sides of us) feel lost, alone, and inadequate, no longer confident, and like we are going to have to go thru the rest of our life alone. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe that's the price we pay.

 

I know there is the likelihood that people aren't responding because they are uncomfortable with our disclosure, maybe feeling betrayed, confused, not sure how to talk to us anymore...?

 

Perhaps I should write something to those people in hopes of addressing their feelings....or maybe I just need to be patient and wait longer....or maybe I need to let go of all old connections and just start over. I don't know.

[esther really]

I found the "be patient and wait longer" to be true and valuable. It is a price we pay but we are tough people.  It was a year before the people who truly loved me came around and felt comfortable being with me.  I too felt lonely and depressed by it but i had to remember how long it was for me to realize that i was trans.  So much uncharted territory to navigate thru!  

[Kelly2509]

remember too that other people have their own stuff going on and sometimes we can fall off the radar a bit if they are absorbed in their own business.  This is something I have had to really train myself to remember because I do tend to freak out a bit when people don't respond to things right away.  The reason they aren't responding may have nothing to do with you, so try to assume positive intent, especially if they had been supportive before.  I have friends I thought I'd lost and it turned out my message wound up in a spam folder and they just didn't see it until they went to clean out their inbox.

[Vidanjali]

There's also an emotional anticlimax that follows any event in which you make yourself vulnerable. I call it social anxiety hangover. I'm suggesting that you may be extra sensitive to how people you've disclosed to are reacting to you, without being aware of it. This is not to invalidate what you've shared by any means, nor is it meant to suggest "it's all in your head" or something like that. It is meant to offer empowerment because you have the ability to curb any tenancy to assume what others are thinking about you, you can work on not dwelling on it and wanting to make amends where none need be made. Indeed, it could be they are processing. Could also be a pandemic thing (social norms are rather in flux these days). I suggest giving people time. Do reach out to them, but I suggest instead of preemptively writing to them to address feelings, to instead just be lighthearted and natural. Be yourself and be inviting because if other people are processing how they feel, it's for them to do. Meanwhile, don't hesitate to develop new relationships, but not necessarily in the spirit of "starting from scratch" because the people currently in your life may still be there for you. 

[DeeDee]

@Desert Fox I think the loneliness is one of the reasons this site exists and does so well. We all need access to people who just "get" the struggle to be ourselves.

When we tell our family and friends they all have to do their own adjusting. Thankfully my friend group so far have been really great, but until I can resolve my work and living situation to live as myself full time, there is the awkward bouncing between presentations which doesnt help when I ask to be thought of as "her" but turn up looking  like "him".

Most folk have never spent much time thinking about what it means to be their own gender let alone, have the empathy to understand needing to be somewhere else entirely on the gender spectrum, so there is a chance that some do not know how to talk to you.

Patience is your friend here, the more comfortable you can be in your skin, the more comfortable other people will be around you. Hopefully the road will smooth itself out.

One last offering. Professional therapists don't tend to ghost their clients - if they did they wouldnt stay in business very long, more likely either there was an emergency situation or wires have been crossed somewhere in the appointment scheduling, just get in touch and explain that you thought you had an appointment and didnt hear from anyone and see what they say.

 

[Desert Fox]

Thank you all for your responses…good advice. I have always been very much a loner and I’m usually OK with that but i have been second-guessing how wise it was to tell the few people I’m close to about my gender identity. Maybe it would have been better to just keep on being like I had been and let people adapt to what they saw and ask questions in their own time. 
 

I think the “wanting” of a positive resolution is the challenging part; I need to let the cards fall where they may and see what happens. It’s challenging to cope with feelings of loneliness & isolation which can happen pretty strongly sometimes even if one isn’t technically alone.

[Davie]

Yes, I agree with the "social anxiety hangover" feeling. It's a transition so it takes time. I've found making new friends is hard work, but pays off over time with trans folks. Gotta be out to make that work. And with the old friends, I have to be more forward and sharing and let them know I'm the same person as before but "more so." It's tough happening during this pandemic . . . but that'll get better.

Keep coming back!

-- Davie

[Davie]

Hello, I'm Davie.

 

I'm non-binary, they say. A term
like non-human, some may pray.  
Not fit for battle—but jail available.
No batteries—but non-recyclable.
Not built to swim—but to drown—  
like unwanted litters of kittens.
I'm non-binary, not non-human.

I'm non-binary, not non-humorous.