Really Bad Jokes Retold By Joe

[Guest joe0117]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and they take turns talking about their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me up back on my ship, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman, "What about your hook?" "Well," replied the pirate "We were boarding an enemy ship and battling the other sailors with swords. One of my enemies cut off my hand!"

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye" replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the seaman incredulously. "Well" said the pirate....."It was the first day with my new hook."

Two men walk into a bar - you think one of then would have ducked

There was an old man sitting in a mall watching a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: red, green, yellow, blue. The old man kept staring at him. When the teenager was tired of being stared at he asked sarcastically, "What's the matter old man. Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

You were warned -

Joe

[Guest Evan_J]

There was an old man sitting in a mall watching a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: red, green, yellow, blue. The old man kept staring at him. When the teenager was tired of being stared at he asked sarcastically, "What's the matter old man. Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

ROFL, 10000 pts to all the old men

[Sally]

Joe, I thought you knew that I sort of have the corner on the market for bad jokes!

Although - those were prretty bad!

And to prove it - how do you ordr a cannibal cocktail - Ubangi on the bar!

I went to Africa to play cards with the natives

Oh, Zulus?

No I generally won!

I passed your house last night.

Thanks!

Your lights were on, was your wife entertaining?

Not very.

Thank you Henny Youngman.

I just got home from a business trip so I got into the cab and told the driver that I wanted some action - so he drove me to my house!

Roddy Dangerfield

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest joe0117]

ROFL, 10000 pts to all the old men

I feel like I am in training for this now - to have rediculous comebacks when I am old.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

GRIN - GROAN - LAUGH!

Fuuuuuny!

LizzyAnne

Man with sunglasses goes in a bar with his dog. bartender says ...saaaaaay, no dogs allowed! Man says this is a German Shepard, trained as a seeing eye dog! Bartender says sorry didn't know.

Man leaves and see another man getting ready to go into the same bar. First man says - you need to tell the bartender that chiuaiua is a seeing eye dog. Man says thanks and puts on a pair of sunglasses.

Bartender says ... saaaaaay, no dogs allowed! Man says this is a seeing eye dog! Bartender says ... hey, when did chiuaiua's get issued as seeing eye dogs?

Man says 'THEY GAVE ME A CHIUAIUA?"

[Guest joe0117]

Funny Instructions

On Sear's hair dryer

Do Not use while sleeping

(but that is the only time I have free to work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos

You could be a Winner! No purchase necessary Details Inside

(shoplifters special)

On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert

Do Not Turn Upside Down (on bottom of box)

(too late you lose!)

On a child's Superman costume

Wearing this does not enable you to fly

(Way to ruin a universal childhood belief)

On a Swedish Chainsaw

Do Not attempt to stop chainsaw with your hands

(raise your hand if you have attempted this...)

On American Airline package of nuts

Open package, eat nuts

(someone got paid big bucks to come up with this)

On Sainsbury peanuts

Contains nuts

(but no peas...?)

On a Food Processor

Not to be used for the other use

(?...Now I am curious)

On a string of Christmas lights

For indoor or outdoor use only

(as opposed to use in outer space)

On a Korean kitchen knife

Keep out of children

(clearly something got lost in the translation)

On Nytol sleep aid

May cause drowsiness

(one would hope)

On Boot's children's cough medicine

Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery

(We could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we kept those 5 year olds off the folk lifts)

I hear more groans....I love it

[Guest Donna Jean]

Little duck walks into a store....

Asks the clerk..."You have any grapes?"

Clerk: No! Get lost!

Next day...

Duck: "You got any grapes?"

Clerk: "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!"

Next day:

Duck: "You got any nails?"

Clerk: "No we ain't got any nails!"

Duck: "Then, you got any grapes?"

LOL...HAAaaaa ha ha ha LOL... _snort' HEE HEE lol....

HEE HEE.... Donna Jean...LOL....TEE HEE....

[Guest Leigh]

LOL...

[Guest joe0117]

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

-They take the psycho path

Where do you go when you lose a hand?

-To the second hand store

Don't worry - there will be more - whethe you want them or not

Feel free to add your own - Who couldn't use a laugh or a groan every now and the

Joe

[Sally]

One day a little wide mouth frog decided to explore the swamp where he lived and learn about the other animals that shared his soggy home.

He saw a small bird and said, "HELLO MR. BIRD, WHAT DO YOU EAT?"

The bird replied, " I eat Worms."

"OK, THANK YOU."

He came upon a small snake and asked, "HELLO MR. SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU EAT?"

"I eat small insects that skim along the water." replied the snake.

"OK, THANK YOU."

He saw another animal and asked his question, "HELLO MR. ALLIGATOR, WHAT DO YOU EAT?"

The alligator moved forward and replied, "I eat litle wide mouthed frogs."

_{"Oh, OK, thank you."}

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest joe0117]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

A backward poet writes inverse

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What's the definition of a will (it's a dead giveaway)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

Every calendar's days are numbered

A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

Things to think about....

Joe

[Guest Valentine]

Give a man a fish and you feed him a meal. Teach a man to fish and he will curse you for the rest of his life.

[Sally]

In the heart of New York City a crowd has gathered around a tall building, part way up a man is standing on a ledge preparing to jump.

No one has arrived yet to try to talk him down so a Priest decides to try, he shouts to the man, "Don't jump you must have something to live for, what about your children?"

"I don't have any, I'm going to jump!"

A Rabi steps forward and shouts, "Remember your wife, she will miss you."

"No she won't she left me for my brother, I'm going to jump!"

A Texan steps out of the crowd and shouts, "Remember the Alamo!"

The man Shout, "Remember the what?"

The Texas yells back, "Go ahead and jump you d*** Yankee!"

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest joe0117]

Hello -- Is this thing on??!!

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing about map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of the class, the teacher asked his students "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

Joe

[Guest 1charlotte1]

I have a quicksand box in my backyard

I was a single child eventually

I was kyaking down the river in January, an it was cold so I decided to light a small fire in the kyak. The boat sank an it just goes to show

You can't have your kyak and heat it too!

There is a hole in the nudist colony wall, but don't worry, the police are looking into it

[Guest joe0117]

This is so much more fun when other people play! I like it! Keep them coming!

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi that she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales "Why Bloomingdales," asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me at least twice a week"

Joe

[Guest 1charlotte1]

What has one arm four legs and is red all over?

A happy pitbull!

(most of what I know are dead baby jokes... Should I post some or is that not appropriate?)

[Guest 1charlotte1]

A man and a woman were sitting at a bar at the nineteenth floor of a twenty story building.

The man looks at the woman and says this is a magik beer, if u drink some you can fly! The woman didn't believe him so he took a sip and flew out the building and around it three times before landing back In the pub. The woman said wow! Let me try that! She took a sip jumped out the window and fell to her death.

The bartender looks at the guy and says "superman, your a real jerk when your drunk"

[Guest joe0117]

"superman, your a real jerk when your drunk"

HAHAHA nice Char!

Joe

[Sally]

I was following a car the other day and it turns out that the driver was a magician - he turned his car into a driveway!

Two older ladies were talking:

Whenever I am down in the dumps, I buy a new hat.

I always wondered where you got theem.

Two retired men sitting on a porch rocking:

I had a friend who used to grow potatoes in Idaho, but his lazy son has taken over and moved the farm to California.

Why would he do that, Idaho is a good place to grow potatoes besides if he was lazy why would he do that much work?

Because he is so lazy he's just going to wait for an Earthquake to shake them out of the ground.

What goes, clop, clop, clop, clop,BanG, clop, clop, clop?

An Amish drive by!

love ya,

Sally

[Guest 1charlotte1]

A blonde and a brunette jump off the top of a building who hit the ground first?

They hit at the aame time because color of hair has no effect on the speed one falls duhh!

[Guest Eth]

You guys are all horrible XD

Great jokes though!

愛 Eth

[Guest joe0117]

What happened when the cat swallowed the quarter?

-There was money in the kitty

What happened to the frog's car after the meter expired?

-It got toad

Joe

[Guest 1charlotte1]

I apologize ahead of time for this, but because I am a sick individual, this makes me laugh

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

Take ur guesses anybody! I'll answer In a bit

[Guest Pól]

Q: Why is a room full of married people always empty?

A: Because there isn't a single person in it.

This is the actual radio conversation (released by the chief of naval operations) between the radio operators of a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

CANADIANS: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision"

AMERICANS: "Recommend YOU divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision"

CANADIANS: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision"

AMERICANS: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course"

CANADIANS: "No, I say again, you divert your course"

AMERICANS: "This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship"

CANADIANS: "This is a lighthouse. Your call"

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them: "Get out, we don't serve your type here."

(most of what I know are dead baby jokes... Should I post some or is that not appropriate?)

Likewise, I guess I can hold off on the Helen Keller jokes...sigh