How's it going fellas

[Dillon]

@Davie That's a very encouraging thought and so true. Thank you for this reminder. I always see everyone as cis het!  

 

[Davie]

Yeah. What if you met Villano Antillano who identifies as a transfemme non-binary person? Antillano uses she/her and they/them pronouns and is a transfeminist. Antillano started her career with her song Tiranía, which treats themes like prejudice against LGBT people. I don't care if I'm confused!

 

[Dillon]

What if I met them? Well, I would be super happy!

After the meditation class, someone hugged me and said I'm glad you're here. She's pretty new there, and I've known her for a few months, so I said, I'm glad you're here too. Eventually, I realized she probably meant because I'm trans and she was being supportive. I'm just slow on the uptake. 

 

 

 

 

[Dillon]

Every day, I wear the same basic outfit. There were periods in my life where this is how I wanted to dress, the same thing every day. Not the same item--I have three hoodies, six t-shirts, etc. I love the hoodies because I have some medical issues that make top surgery unlikely and the hoodies hide a lot.

 

To other people, I guess what I wear now is always the same look, but to me it's what feels good. When I identified as female I got a lot of criticism if I dressed in the same style every day, and often I chose clothes and outfits because of what was expected. So now I was feeling a little like it might not be OK to wear a hoodie and t-shirt every day, but then I realized people don't pick as much at cis men who dress like this. I'm glad I can dress like me now. Yay!

[Ivy]

LOL.  Yeah guys can dress pretty much like they want, unless it’s too fem.  
I used to just throw on a T-shirt and blue jeans every day.    Now I actually think about these things.   

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Dillon You're not alone with having the same basic outfit.  I'm exactly like that.  For warm weather - shorts and maybe grass sandals...nothing else.  For cool weather, I'll throw on a T-shirt and/or a hoodie.  Maybe longer basketball shorts instead of the thin small cotton ones I wear most of the time.  It has to be pretty cold for me to wear shoes or pants. 

 

I think the only people who get bothered about clothing are feminine cis/trans women.  My GF is definitely *all girl* but she has her own semi-masculine style.  Nobody dares to bother her 😆  Men can generally wear what they want.  In my area, there's a significant Hispanic influence and so men are OK with wearing bright colors, even pink.  I saw one of the guys on my husband's crew (an electrical installer) wearing crazy pink pants one day on the job.  Who messes with a construction guy with big muscles, a big hammer on his tool belt, and pink pants?  Nobody!  😉

[Roach]

I can relate to a lot of what you said @Dillon. I'm not sure why, but opening my closet and seeing only black, grey and green is pretty funny. Since I moved, I only brought clothes with me that felt affirming, so it's nice to never feel like I "run out" of masculine clothes to wear. I think this really helps me manage my discomfort, I usually am dressed in a way that I don't even have to worry about binding. (Lots of layers). Admittedly the summer might prove more of a challenge... @awkward-yet-sweetI might have to steal your warm weather ideas.

 

Aight, I'm gonna ramble about some unrelated stuff, feel free to ignore this lol. I've been doing a lot of applying to jobs, which is always interesting as someone who's half-out, has no legal changes, and inconistent passing ability. I'm always kinda dreading having to explain myself, as I'm definitely at the point where I do not want to get deadnamed daily at work, but it is just so much more convenient for official matters. I lucked out at previous jobs that they were very accepting and easily integrated preferred names, but I'm preparing to hit some roadblocks in the future.

 

In other news, learned that an old friend of mine is transitioning. (We revealed that we're trans to each other in the same conversation, it was pretty funny. What are the odds.) She's been on E for quite a few months now and due to training she sounds completely different! It's really inspiring seeing someone get so much progress on voice training, it always makes me consider starting it up again since T seems so far out of reach.

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Roach Funny you mention the grays, greens, and blacks.  It does seem like dark colors can look more masculine.  My husband dresses almost entirely in dull colors like that, as does my GF.  Husband and GF are such similar sizes that sometimes they share the same clothes.  I might occasionally borrow something, but the size difference has the unwanted effect of "Aww, she's wearing her boyfriend's shirt." 🙄 

 

This style of shirt is really common here:

https://www.epicmilitaria.com/german-flecktarn-field-shirt.html

 

Fairly loose fitting, and if you're smaller like me, there's plenty of cheap choices because the larger sizes sell out.  the link I posted is probably not one of the cheaper suppliers, as I seem to remember those shirts could be bought for about a dollar each.  Some squads of our county defense force wear them because of the low cost, and my husband must have bought half a warehouse at one point, since we seem to have enough for everybody.

My partners wear them in summer a lot.

 

A big benefit of a dark-ish camouflage pattern is that it reliably conceals curves (or lack of curves, in my case.)  Another choice would be a higher-contrast camouflage pattern.  My GF has been painting vehicles for the county, and it is amazing how contrasting (yet natural) colors can make something as large as a truck or even a small building disappear at a distance.  In clothing, it can reduce the "printing" effect of curves or carrying something under your shirt.  Another choice is a loud printed "Hawaiian" style shirt.  They are pretty common here in the summer, especially for off-duty or plainclothes police and security, as well as citizens who carry a concealed pistol.  Same principle - high contrast and somewhat random pattern fabric breaks up the outlines of your body. 

 

 

 

[Roach]

@awkward-yet-sweetThank you for all the information! I appreciate it.

[DonkeySocks]

Re warm-weather clothing preferences, my go-to for when I do not need to be dressed up is a T-shirt with a big silk-screen printed design right across the nips.

 

I can add an open lightweight button-down, so the sides of the shirt draw the eye down and disguise curves.

 

For dressy occasions, I add a tight undershirt underneath a solid tee, then the lightweight button-down over that. Buttoned up if in church, etc., unbuttoned as soon as things get more casual, such as while eating. Dark tee, light colored button-down for summer. Lots of guys in my family wear button-downs but don't bother with neckties unless they are wearing suits. It makes it easy to layer.

[Ivy]

8 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

Lots of guys in my family wear button-downs but don't bother with neckties unless they are wearing suits.

Neckties suck.

[Dillon]

@DonkeySocksI like your layering technique.

 

[Vidanjali]

14 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

Re warm-weather clothing preferences, my go-to for when I do not need to be dressed up is a T-shirt with a big silk-screen printed design right across the nips.

 

I hit up the Express Men post-Christmas sale in January and scored a bunch of artistic graphic tees, many of which are textured with fuzzy applique or velvet or embroidered. This further distracts from the chestiness, and some of the tees I got can be worn casually or dressed up as the prints and overlays are fancier. Love Express Men - not that I shop very often at all - but they have great styles and seem to be allies to some extent, as their ads often feature pretty men having fun with fashion & they recently had a collab with Queer Eye's Tan France. 

[DonkeySocks]

29 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

Love Express Men - not that I shop very often at all

I will check out their shop! I wear my clothes until they fall apart, some of my shirts are due for a replacement.

[Davie]

In my neck of the woods the number is well over 100%, but I don't know every trans folk in town . . . 💜

Majority of trans adults are happier after transitioning, survey finds. 

Washington Post and KFF study found 78% of respondents said living as different gender from birth increased satisfaction in life.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/mar/24/majority-trans-adults-happier-transitioning-survey?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

[Russ Fenrisson]

@DavieThanks for sharing the article. I like reading about such subjects from time to time. It's interesting how such numbers have changed, especially for those who choose to identify as non-binary. It just goes to show with the changing climate, people are starting to become more comfortable with identifying as something outside the binary as such identities are just as valid.

 

I want to believe I'll be more happy after transitioning medically but I always think about the possibility it might do the opposite. There's so much uncertainty until it happens. I do know for a fact, though, thinking about the way I want to be does make me happy.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@awkward-yet-sweet That's an awesome shirt! I remember the first time I bought some bloodstone camo shorts for the holidays and how great it felt wearing them. It made me feel like I could do some major athletics like cross-fit or American Ninja. Don't know why, but those pair of shorts really made me understand the appeal of camouflage.

[Vidanjali]

Hey y'all just here to vent. My husband is moody. Sometimes extremely so. To his credit, he works on it - it's been much worse in the past. It pushes my buttons in a big way as I lived many of the earlier years of my life in households where I had to walk on eggshells due to other household members' issues with rage, etc. - I was scapegoated and targeted & it's left a deep impression. I've overcome a lot & continually work on myself. Not identifying with nor acting out over the emotional states I experience is important to me; I endeavor to be a responsible and considerate person. 

 

Just last night, he and I were talking. He was expressing how much he loves me. I felt safe commenting on how he's been consistently expressive in loving me lately, whereas there have been times in the recent past when he seemed very often angry with me. He expressed regret and said there's no real reason to be angry with me & he only ever wants to be loving towards me. It was a comforting conversation - not overly emotional - it felt purifying somehow. 

 

This morning, to my surprise, he snapped at me. I was expressing some observational humor about the difference between the names of foods when the food is pure vs an artificial version of the pure food - like maple syrup (ftm a tree) vs "table syrup" (which is corn syrup and artificial flavoring). He accused me of "always" enjoying making fun of things he likes. I did not reply and am just giving him space. It's the "always" or "never" or "all the time" type comments that hurt the most. Like, in those moments he does not see me & is projecting onto me an immutable villain. 

 

When he snapped at me, I was surprised. I examined my motives. The metric I use is the extent to which I feel light hearted. I felt very light hearted noting what I felt was the humor in the names of such food products. I did not comment in the spirit of complaint or ridicule. I asked myself, what's the difference between observing humor vs making fun of someone. The answer in this case is his identifying strongly with his own likes. He took my joke personally, when it was not meant as personal at all, and I became the bad guy - "you always like making fun of me". I am quite a humorous person irl. My humor is of the absurd, observational, silly type. I do not enjoy making fun of others. I am not perfect, but I do make a point of deliberately trying to curb any tendency I may have to do so. 

 

There's no response I can give when he's in that state of mind. The best I can do is take care of myself because I get triggered by that behavior. So, here I am venting. Thanks for listening. Next, I'll take pups for a walk. Later, I have a therapy appt. I get your feeling like I should just keep my mouth shut altogether because I'll wind up saying something, usually when I'm actually in a cheerful mood, which he'll take personally and twist into an attack. At worst, some resentment creeps in. I spent so much of life feeling like I needed to make myself small and unobtrusive. I just had the thought, "I'm sick of having to explain my motives to him". So, I will must do my best to let it go. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Vidanjali Living with a constantly moody partner can be tough.  I feel your pain! 

 

I wonder if perhaps you and your husband have very different senses of humor?  Are you from the same culture?  I've noticed that sometimes, its like my partners and I are speaking a different kind of English.  The words are the same, but the intent can be different.  I frequently have to avoid being triggered by my GF...she's just so snappish.  What is funny to her can be very negative and demeaning at times....and that's when she's in a good mood.  In a bad mood, she's just mouthy and awful and only my husband can calm her.  If she wants to be alone, she'll close herself off and if she's working on a project she'll growl and chase me out of the area.  I love her so much, and I know that she loves me....but her temper wears on me and can be discouraging sometimes.

 

I think that one of the worst relationship mistakes a person can make is to use the words "always" and "never."  But some people do it out of habit, and it is a tough habit to break.  Is that something you've talked with him about?  Or perhaps a relationship counselor could point that out? 

 

 

[Dillon]

I have a code word, well a short statement in a few words, with a friend that we agreed on to avoid a hurtful dynamic we kept falling into. It seems to work. Everyone has things that are very sensitive because of their life experience, and it doesn't make sense to the rest of us that they would be sensitive about it--so I can relate to your good efforts to know you're coming from a kind place, and finding that just backfires sometimes. For me, a sensitive area is not being heard. So if I feel that's happening, I say the words and he acknowledges them and goes back and listens again. 

[Vidanjali]

Update on my venting from yesterday. All is well, thank goodness. After I returned from my therapy session, he seemed in a good mood. A good sign. So, I decided to have courage and test the waters. I told him firmly and unemotionally that it is never my intention to degrade him in any way by any humorous comments I make. He said, it's okay. I added, you stated that I always enjoy making fun of things you like - I just want you to know that from my my perspective, that is not accurate. He said, okay. Didn't defend, manipulate, or lash out. So far, so good. We took the pups to the park. He still seemed good. So, I told him I completely understand that his work is very stressful and that his attention span is stretched very thin, and that I know what that feels like. However, when he accuses me of enjoying hurting him, it hurts me. He did apologize. This is a remarkable resolution given our history. 

 

For more context, I should add that his unpredictable victim/attack behavior is typical of borderline personality disorder (BPD). His sister is diagnosed with BPD, and once fairly recently I suggested he exhibited BPD patterns too. He replied that he absolutely agreed. 

 

I was once diagnosed with BPD, myself - over 20 years ago. That diagnosis was a breakthrough for me because it gave me a paradigm of pattern to wrap my head around and work on. I was blessed with a brilliant therapist at the time with whom I practiced intensive cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I can testify that the personality is not immutable & can in fact evolve and even be a gift. I am pleased to say that I have not qualified for the diagnosis of BPD for many years & it's a life affirming relief.

 

My husband sought therapy at my urging back when we were dating & fortunately we also found him a CBT therapist whom he cliqued with and saw for a couple years. That helped a lot, but he has still been prone to this destructive behavior of twisting, personalizing, and lashing out. In the past, these toxic moods could linger for days, weeks, months & there was nothing I could say or do to initiate resolution. He was pretty much consistently angry and brooding over much of last November - December which really tried my own mental health. During such times, I must amp up deployment of my mental health skills & self-care - it's exhausting, especially on top of living with disability. 

 

Like I said in my original post, he'd been lovey dovey for several weeks recently which was like heaven in comparison. So, the fact that this episode was resolved quickly without much incident is marvelous. 

 

Thanks for the sympathy @awkward-yet-sweet . One of the confounding things is that his & my humor and sensibilities are very much in sync. That's what makes these strikes so shocking. Such is the nature of BPD. 

 

Thanks for the affirmation @Dillon . I like the idea of a safe word or phrase. I've suggested doing that with him. It'll seem like a good idea, but when he snaps as he does, there's no logic or reason. 

 

I will also try to keep in mind that BPD is an illness. It's not so easy to practice compassion when you're the brunt of an attack. But, as I explained, I do understand what it's like - the delusional thinking associated with BPD seems completely real to the person. My therapist had recommended a book "stop walking on eggshells" to me in December when he was having that prolonged episode I mentioned. I read half of it (case studies in BPD) in one sitting. Time to sit down and read the rest (what you can do when someone you love has BPD). 

[Dillon]

I'm glad there was a step forward. I might read that book. I read about BPD once and thought some of it fits for me.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Vidanjali At least you have a diagnosis, so you can have understanding.  And he has understanding.  It doesn't reduce the effects of illness, but they say "knowing is half the battle.". With my GF, it is an unknown... I'd have an easier time pulling a tooth with pliers than getting her to talk with anyone.  I know she's got issues and her past was traumatic, so I try to be patient.  She thinks I'm cute, so I absolutely use that as a tool. 😉. Does that work with your husband?

[Vidanjali]

19 hours ago, Dillon said:

I might read that book. I read about BPD once and thought some of it fits for me.

 

Would be an interesting read to see if the case studies and explanations of the features of the illness resonate with you. It's very reassuring to have one's "peculiarities" affirmed as classifiable - makes one feel less isolated or hopeless - kinda like learning that trans is a thing (not that I'm in any way implying trans is an illness - it is NOT).  And you can learn from the advice provided for those with relationships with folks with BPD. But, as for seeking to recover, there's no substitute for a qualified professional. Granted, they are not always easy to come by or necessarily accessible. A book which helped me years ago is called The High Conflict Couple. It's a dialectical behavioral therapy workbook for people with BPD and their partners. But, I read it as a single person, imagining a hypothetical partner. Even for an aromatic person, the insights and exercises of the workbook are useful in applying to any emotionally intimate relationship. 

 

@awkward-yet-sweet my husband thinks I'm very cute...until he doesn't. To wit, as I read on in the Stop Walking on Eggshells book yesterday, they identified the BPD behavior "impulsive aggression". I was like, oh yeah, that's exactly what happens. Impulsive aggression: I'm as cute and funny as ever, definitely not crossing any lines, then suddenly and without warning, victim identity assumed - ATTACK (verbally)! The book defines impulsive aggression as "an impulsive, hostile, even violent reaction, triggered by [perceived] immediate threats of rejection or abandonment paired with frustration".

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Vidanjali Ouch! That sounds quite a bit more volatile than what I have to deal with.  I am at least consistently able to count on the aspect of "I'm cute and helpless so you don't want to be too rough.". But it seems like that's not an option for you.  When he is in that attack mode, is there any way of defusing the situation?