Why's it so hard to understand yourself?

[Guest]

Melodramatic title aside, I've been pretty busy. I've been going to the trans support group weekly and that's been great. Everyone is very nice and I'm a bit surprised at how well I've done talking in a group setting. I've always been rather bad at the group thing. Therapy is going well enough. So, what's with the headline? I dunno. I'm just so down lately and it seems I'm walking on a wire without any kind of safety net. 

Easter was annoying with family telling me to get a hair cut. It is a bit messy, but let's face it, growing your hair out isn't pretty while it's still growing. I was playing a video game and got this nice parasol in the game and I liked it a lot, but for some reason I got incredibly depressed after. I sometimes wonder if I'm more crazy than trans. Oh well, enough of my dob stories for this post.

[VickySGV]

I think we have all told this story or one like it about ourselves over the years.  You are trying to find YOU is the problem, we have lived up to other's expectations until right now and we have gotten our expectations of ourselves in a far amount of turmoil because we were never told we could do that.  Instead we put out goals to meet OTHER PEOPLES  expectations and we find those have really gotten us into a jam.  When we try imagining those things for ourselves we make them as harsh and unyielding as we have lived with in the past.  Google a site for it and listen to Not My Father's Son which is a good illustration of what happened and what it will take to get us where we should be.  A Trans Choral group I am part of has it as one of our repertory songs.,

[Delcina B]

Hi Jamie! I've felt the same way a few times. It shows up when getting grief for chosing to be me. I worked hard for years to, as Vicky said, to live up to other's expectations, people pleasing. So, my reflex reaction is to feel bad if someone isn't happy with me, or my actions. Once I get out of the situation it doesn't last long.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Marcie Jensen]

Hi Jamie. Like Delcina, I spent the first 60 years or so living for others' expectations, and never really living up to their idea of what I should be. When I finally came to the realization that this behavior pattern was harmful to me both mentally and physically, I came out. I became a much happier and calmer person. I also came to the realization that trying to live up to others' expectations is not only a losing game, but it's their loss not mine. Keep going to therapy, it helps; I know this from experience. And, hang in there! 

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[Charlize]

The process of accepting myself seemed to take a lifetime when i look back.  From the days when my mother made me get crew cuts through years of guilt and shame as i hid as much as i could.  That in itself was painful.  Coming out and living full time took that lifetime.  Each experience, conversation and adventure helped me get past the fear.  This site as well as therapy helped me see myself as i have been.

Give yourself time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest]

As always, thank you for all of your responses. I'm having a lot of issues with depression. I discussed this in group last night. It's been crippling to be honest. I've been able to work, but when I'm home I don't want to leave my bed and sleep way too much. Fortunately, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in about a week and a half. I'm drained and oddly sensitive emotionally to the point I want to cry, but I have a rather limited emotional range. This makes it impossible to move on from whatever this is. I've always had problems crying. I blame the "boys don't cry" crap that parents force on their male children.

[Marcie Jensen]

29 minutes ago, Jamie73 said:

As always, thank you for all of your responses. I'm having a lot of issues with depression. I discussed this in group last night. It's been crippling to be honest. I've been able to work, but when I'm home I don't want to leave my bed and sleep way too much. Fortunately, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in about a week and a half. I'm drained and oddly sensitive emotionally to the point I want to cry, but I have a rather limited emotional range. This makes it impossible to move on from whatever this is. I've always had problems crying. I blame the "boys don't cry" crap that parents force on their male children.

I feel your pain, @Jamie73. I was married to someone who also had depression. In her case it was borderline bipolar so sever she often could not work. The only things I can tell you is to make sure they get the meds right and that can take several weeks. I wish you the best.

Hugs

[Guest]

I have bipolar disorder as well. @Marcie Jensen I am also on SSD, but I do work a couple of days a week. It's very hard to say if it is an episode, a lack of testosterone or situational depression. I suspect a bit of all three are at play here. 

[Marcie Jensen]

5 hours ago, Jamie73 said:

I have bipolar disorder as well. @Marcie Jensen I am also on SSD, but I do work a couple of days a week. It's very hard to say if it is an episode, a lack of testosterone or situational depression. I suspect a bit of all three are at play here. 

Sorry to hear you have bipolar. @Jamie73. I empathize with you and the challenges you face. And, I couldn't agree with you more regarding what's going on as it's often difficult to determine. Sending hugs to you.