Should I Come Out To My Siblings As Trans?

[Mason26]

Hey there. I decided to post here because I couldn't find anywhere else to get advice. I know that I'm the only one who can decide when it's time to come out, but I just wanted some input.

I'm a 20 year old trans guy who lives and home and definitely will not be able to move out any time soon. I have three younger siblings (the youngest is 14, so they're all old enough to understand) who I'm very close to. Like Sam and Dean Winchester close. They're my best friends. Unfortunately, they don't have the best outlook on trans people as far as I can tell. One of my sisters for example said that people should be supportive of their trans family members because they really need it, which is great. But she'll also make jokes about them, or say things like she wouldn't date someone who was into trans people. My mom didn't take it so great when I came out. It could've been worse, but the whole "Are you sure you're not doing it for attention?" or "I gave birth to a girl," thing was hard to hear. My mental health isn't in a great place, and I don't know if I can take the rejection. I don't know if I could live without my family. But I don't know how much longer I can live as a fake version of myself, either. I'm in a hard place, and one thing I could do to make my situation better could also make it worse. I just hate debating it in my head every day. Thanks for any responses.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Mason, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Hey, look, I totally get why you're nervous about coming out.  My siblings were in their 50's and 60's and I was a nervous wreck.  I don't know you or your family, so I'm just guessing here, but I wouldn't worry too much that one of your sisters makes jokes about trans people; it's one thing to make jokes and be flippant about such things, but when it's your own flesh and blood, it becomes a completely serious issue.  I would go with the fact that she expressed support (hypothetically) in a general way.

 

It's been my experience that most young people "get it," but I know that there have been bad experiences for other trans people.  At some point they're going to figure it out (if they haven't already), and it's much better if you tell them and be honest than they hear it from someone else or just guess at it.  Honesty truly is (most of the time) the best policy.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Mmindy]

Good evening Mason,

 

So you’re out to your mom? Are you out to your dad too? If you’re out to both of your parents, I think you’ve crossed the toughest bridge. Do your siblings have the ability to have you kicked out of the house? If not I would not worry about them. Do you confide in your siblings for other comforting conversation? If so tell them. 
 

I hope others chime in here and you get several other options offered up.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Mason26]

13 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Hi, Mason, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Hey, look, I totally get why you're nervous about coming out.  My siblings were in their 50's and 60's and I was a nervous wreck.  I don't know you or your family, so I'm just guessing here, but I wouldn't worry too much that one of your sisters makes jokes about trans people; it's one thing to make jokes and be flippant about such things, but when it's your own flesh and blood, it becomes a completely serious issue.  I would go with the fact that she expressed support (hypothetically) in a general way.

 

It's been my experience that most young people "get it," but I know that there have been bad experiences for other trans people.  At some point they're going to figure it out (if they haven't already), and it's much better if you tell them and be honest than they hear it from someone else or just guess at it.  Honesty truly is (most of the time) the best policy.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

That makes me feel a lot better. I have wondered if my siblings already know. I cut my hair short, wear almost exclusively men's clothes, and my siblings have even "mistaken" me as a man before. I tend to overthink everything, but deep in my heart I believe they'll be okay with it. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the right time. Thank you for your response.

[Mason26]

13 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Good evening Mason,

 

So you’re out to your mom? Are you out to your dad too? If you’re out to both of your parents, I think you’ve crossed the toughest bridge. Do your siblings have the ability to have you kicked out of the house? If not I would not worry about them. Do you confide in your siblings for other comforting conversation? If so tell them. 
 

I hope others chime in here and you get several other options offered up.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Yeah, I came out to my mom almost three years ago. We haven't talked about it in a long time, but I think she's become more supportive (she's happy to give me short haircuts when they were out of the question in the past, for example). I'm not out to my dad though. That's a whole other can of worms and I know he won't be supportive. But seeing as I don't have much of a relationship with him anyways, it's not as important to me as coming out to my siblings. You're right, coming out to my mom was probably the hardest part. I don't think my siblings would ever want me kicked out, even if they didn't take it well. I don't talk with my siblings much about stuff like my mental health, but they can always make me laugh so they help in that regard. And we'll talk about things that affect the whole family, for example how we feel about the loss of a pet. I think for the most part this is just me worrying about the worst-case scenario. But as another commenter said, honesty is almost always the best choice. Thank you for your response.

[Zelaire]

I don't have direct experience with this yet, Mason, because I'm also wondering about if and how to tell my sister... but I took note of when you wrote you "overthink everything," and I think that's really true of human nature. And on top of that, if you're working through some mental health issues (and I can sympathize; I'm increasingly suspecting I probably have some degree of anxiety issue, either induced by experience or genetic... or both) I think it's really easy then for the mind to catastrophize and jump to the worst case scenario. Which, odds are, is not likely what will actually happen. ❤️

[DeeDee]

Hi Mason, I've just seen this post so apologies if it is no longer relevant to you. I am in my 40's and have 4 sisters and we have always been fairly close, but I was very worried about how they would take me being trans. I'm the middle child and we were all born within 2 yrs of one another, my little sisters are twins, so they are naturally closer to each other, but due to shared family trauma we try to be there for each other if we can even though everyone has their own families now. Being, "the only son" was a weight that hung around my neck like a curse!

I came out to my eldest sister before I was ready, I was slap bang in the middle of questioning and she was staying at mine to attend a nearby funeral service, all she did was ask me how I was after half a bottle of wine. It was a total shock to her, but she has experience of knowing a couple of trans people and so she made a point of saying she was there for me. I had made a blog post which served as a letter expressing my thoughts about my gender which I gave to her to read in place of me trying to garble my way through an explanation I hadn't worked out yet. I told the other older sister a few weeks later and then my younger sisters about 6 months after that when I could actually verbalise it.  None of them saw it coming, but all of them have supported me to some extent, even if it was simply to tell me to do what I needed to do to be happy.

These days all but one have spent time with me one or more times as Dee, but I message them in our sibling whatsapp chat to keep them updated with my GIC appointments and bigger transition moments. My mum was the last family member that I told because I was most unsure of her reaction (too long & irrelevant for this post)  but in the end it was a positive thanks to the increased awareness of LGBTQ+ folks and issues over the last 5-10 years. Overall I am closer to my siblings now than I was before I came out.

 

No one can guarantee how your family will react for sure, but if your Winchester statement holds true they may give you less of a reaction than you're expecting. Most folks I care about have told me that I am still me even if I'm going to look different, and other than curiosity & concern, what has been a massive deal for me has been a total non issue for them.  Hopefully this helps a little.

 

[Jani]

I have three younger sisters.  They all took it well and have embraced me.  

Go for it.