Feeling really discouraged today

[Cary]

I deleted an account today after being told that just because of feeling my neuro issues affect my gender identity, doesn't mean I should identify as a nonbinary trans person, and a post I put a lot of effort into, asking a sincere question about my sexual orientation got deleted because apparently I'm not "trans enough" for that space and any orientations outside the binary are too controversial to be allowed to be discussed. 

 

My insurance doesn't cover medical care for trans people, and I live in a red state, so I doubt it will anytime soon. I can't afford to move and don't know if my health would be much help with moving anyway. I can't afford to pay for the surgeries I want, myself, and don't know if I ever will be able to. I'm a single parent raising kids. There's another thing. I feel like I'm embarrassing my kids when we go out in public or their friends come over and I'm presenting masculine. I get wide-eyed stares from their friends and eye rolls from my kids, even though my daughter has started calling me by my chosen name. And even presenting the way I feel is another whole issue. I'm short. I'm thin. I apparently don't have masculine facial structure to most people, even though a few have questioned me. 

 

I'm also questioning my sexual orientation during all this, and without going into too much detail, I've found a lot of discrimination going on, on other sites, if I get into specifics and talk about any orientation that isn't exclusively binary. I'm not saying every binary person is discriminatory, but some who seem to be certainly don't like me discussing any other possibility. 

 

And, the icing on the cake...I might be losing my GT, because apparently my legal identity has been stolen and I found out someone else is trying to access psychiatric services using MY identity! So now I have to deal with my insurance company tomorrow to try to find out what is going on here!

 

So, I'm feeling pretty bummed out right now. I'm starting to wonder if I should just go back into the closet for the rest of my life. Whatever's left of it, anyway, thanks to my medical issues. Maybe 10 or 20 more years of dysphoria and dissociation to deal with. I know I'm probably sounding ridiculous and/or insane right now, but that's about how I'm feeling. 

 

Anyway, I'm taking the 2022 transgender survey this summer. Even if it can't help me, maybe my participation will help the younger generations.

 

I hope I haven't said anything offensive to anyone, but if so, please delete this post. Also, please move it if it doesn't belong here.

 

Thanks for reading...

 

 

 

[Delcina B]

Hi Cary! This is a lot to carry by yourself, I think you came to the right place to share it. I've found much, if not all of the advice given me here has guided me in the right direction, or helped me realize I'm not alone.

 

My mom has the view of she doesn't go where she's not wanted. I don't know if it's a fix-all for me, but it's one of the tools I look at when I feel I'm not wanted, like the space where you deleted your account. If there is somewhere else I can go, I go there. It's like water running in a stream, it doesn't stop & pummel a boulder in it's path if there's another route to take. 

 

There are others here way more versed about health insurance than me. There is a nonprofit near here who help people deal with these issues.

 

Have your kids expressed embarrassment? I am really self-conscious if I let my head run amok. When I do, I can sabotage myself into thinking I know exactly what someone thinks, or feels & it's often negative & incorrect.

 

I'm still in limbo on the sexual orientation thing. When I got to the point of being willing to explore being transgender, I found it helpful to put sexuality on hold. To me they are related, but two different parts of who I am & looking at them both at the same time was too much. Somehow learning the Greeks separately defined love as: Agape, Eros, Philia & Storge was helpful to me. Do I want to explore it, yes, when I'm ready.

 

I hope the stolen identity resolves quickly for you & in your favor.

 

Chin up, there are solutions somewhere! The way I see it, if being non-binary/transgender were easy everybody would probably be doing it.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Charlize]

As i finally began to step out of the closet i often felt discouraged.  There were times when i ran back but each time i ventured out i began the process that eventually lead to the freedom to be myself.   Perhaps we all have such issues and that is what separates us from the cis population.   

Please know that you are not alone.  Understanding that certainly helped me to accept myself and move on.  Hopefully you will find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cary]

@Delcina B,

Thank you for your advice and understanding. Yeah, I deleted that account because like you mentioned, why go there if I'm not welcome? I don't want to be there, anyway, if that's the case.

 

My kids haven't outright said they're embarrassed. I just seem to pick up on this feeling from time to time, but I'm probably just overthinking it and making myself think that is the case, like usual. It just seems like sometimes they're embarrassed and other times couldn't care less.

I haven't told them any specific details, either, other than what changes they can see with their eyes, and my chosen name, but it's not the first name I've "tried on", so to speak. But my daughter is referring to me by "Cary", which I prefer over m**, anyway, and asked me what colors I wanted for a bracelet she made for me (which she's making for all her LGBTQ+ friends), so I'm pretty sure she's got the idea, anyway.

 

I also feel my gender and sexual orientation are related, although separate, and I identified as ace long before I determined I am trans, and even though I have been questioning my orientation so much lately, it is probably better to put it aside for now, like you did. It's difficult because I'm practically falling over myself trying to figure it all out at once, because my brain likes to do that to me, but I'm also not getting anywhere tripping over my own feet, here. It doesn't matter much right now, I suppose, as I'm not involved with anyone and not looking for that type of involvement, anyway, at the moment.

 

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with this insurance claim. My insurance company doesn't even know who the provider is, so the best thing they could tell me is to take this letter to my therapist tomorrow (while I still have one!), and see if she can help figure it out. If she can't help, I have to get back in touch with them and report it, in which case they'll cancel all my active services (yay!), and I'll have to start all over. I'm sure my GT would be understanding and work with me, but I don't want to lose my other providers. It's taken me years to build up this team I'm happy with. Ugh. Not to mention the fun of having to close every single account linked to my legal ID and deal with the government red tape, again. Yep, again. 

 

Thank you again for your help, and understanding! That makes all the difference, more often than some realize, I think. You've definitely helped me look at some things with a different perspective, and I'm sure I'll get through all of this, too.

[Cary]

@Charlize,

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and for your encouragement! I suppose it's just not going to be easy to stay out of that closet, but now that I'm thinking more clearly than last night, running back into it isn't going to be any easier, and is only going to be worse in the long run.

 

It is really nice to know I'm not alone here, even though it can feel that way sometimes. I know I'm pretty new here, but I have never found another community that's been so understanding and accepting, and everyone I've talked with have made me feel very welcomed here, and that is especially helpful to me right now. I only hope I'll be in a place where I can do the same for someone else someday.

 

Thank you, again, so much!

[Ivy]

I don't have much to add, but you're not alone.

[Cary]

Thank you, so much @Jandi.

That really means a lot to me, and I appreciate you saying so. As much as I don't wish these feelings and every day battles on anyone else, just the thought that none of us are alone is often comforting when it seems like nothing else can be. 

 

I try to keep those thoughts with me, when all else seems to fail...that we are not alone and tomorrow is a new day and another chance.