How do you "come out" when you don't even know what you are?

[awkward-yet-sweet]

So, my identity issues are messing with my head.  I've tried to express a little of it to my partners.  GF has attempted to be understanding, but doesn't seem to take it very well.  My husband is a total unknown, although when I've wanted to change some minor things it hasn't been a problem.  I desperately need my partners to understand me, but I have no way of putting it into words at the moment.  I'm scared that if I find the words, my relationships will fall apart.  My sister and I are very close, but she's a lesbian and has some mental difficulty relating to where I'm at. 

 

I was outed as a lesbian years ago when GF and I got together....it was my very first relationship.  Coming from a very conservative family, it was a disaster.  My parents still don't speak to me, and I don't have much of a relationship with my brothers.  I'm still with my GF, so I've never experienced a breakup and I really really don't want to.  I can't imagine my life without her, my husband, our other partners, the kids.... I literally panic to even consider it. 

[VickySGV]

I am not really sure after nearly 11 years full time and out what I am, but have learned that the WHAT is not as important really as the WHO.  I have not worn makeup in over a year, but Thursday and Friday, I had to have theatrical makeup on for something I was doing with a group of people and I looked in the mirror when the MU was finished and was trying to figure out who I saw.  Strange as it looked though it was ME but the un-madeup person is still me too.  That is where I have come to.  I did get compliments on how I looked but while I could believe the persons giving them, they did not give me the thrill of accomplishment that others might have had from it.  ME takes part in things with my friends and does what it takes to be a friend, which is listening to them and being there for them as they need

In your case, it is not necessary to "come out" as some people think about it.  Do this for you and start your transition gradually with small steps in a direction YOU choose. One of my grandchildren is currently exploring in Pansexual territory and gave it a try with a Fuchsia colored suite to wear to a school dance.  Wearing brighter or darker colors and differently styled clothing, or even doing your hair in a different style or "gasp" color and doing it in little steps, one at a time, and still letting people know it is the real person they have known all along.  Some things will not work as well as others and you will know to change them, they are not mistakes to be ashamed of, they were tries to be you.  It is not discovery of WHAT so much as we think we need to be labeled but accepting us for ourselves and loving ourselves.

 

BTW the REAL ME up above was spending a lot of time for the two days wondering HOW I got myself into the adventure, but then realizing the real me does do that stuff as part of being ME.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@VickySGV Not sure if i'd actually change how I dress.  I'm plenty androgynous already, when I bother to wear something.  Its mostly shorts, t-shirt, and sandals for me any time there isn't snow.  I often pass for a boy without any effort.  My husband's mother reminds me of that...she calls me "it" because I don't have long hair and feminine clothing - which is really irritating.

 

I think the biggest deal for me is relationships...where I fit, how I interact.  Especially with my husband, the relationship is going to have to change a bit, which is also where I'm most nervous.  He is very straight...and after another member's experience telling their husband about their identity, I'm wondering if he'll reject me with the "I'm not gay" statement before we even figure out what I am exactly.  But for being rather conservative, he hangs out with just about anybody.  We've had drinks at the gay bar in the city with a couple of his friends before, and he didn't seem uncomfortable.  Not being able to predict the future has my stomach in knots.