A most lovely response to coming out

[Vidanjali]

Last weekend I attended a bridal shower for a friend's daughter. I sat with B, who is one of my closest friends. Despite that, I had never previously considered coming out to her because I didn't think she'd accept or understand it. I wrote here in TP the other day about how happy I am with the new nonbinary psychiatrist I recently saw. I was catching up with B, and told her that I was pursuing psychiatric care. Little did I realize that having a nonbinary doctor is a perfect segue to introduce my gender ID. I've gotten to the point where I'm generally willing to tell people about myself if it happens to come up. B's response was so lovely and she far exceeded my fearful assumption. 

 

Me: I saw a new psychiatrist two days ago and it was a very positive experience. (Tells B more about the visit, never using binary pronouns.)

B: Is this doctor a man or a woman?

Me: Neither. They're nonbinary.

B: (eyes big) What's that?? 

Me: They're neither a man nor a woman.

B: (thinks...) Then who IS this person?

Me: They're themselves.

B: (nods, thinking)

Me: I feel that way about myself too, but I don't tell many people because it's usually not intuitive to others.

(long pause...no idea what she'll say next...)

B: You know our neighbor/friend, J? He's like that too - neither a man nor a woman. He's very intelligent, like you.

Me: I've always felt this way, but it wasn't until the last three years or so that I've given myself the time and space to really think about it.

B: (after a few minutes of thought) I think it takes a special kind of intelligence for a person to realize that about themselves. That's a gift. You should always compliment yourself.

Me: Thank you, B.

[Sol]

Aww I like B.

This is up there with the best responses to coming out I've seen. Kind of reminds me of one of my friends, who told me when I was having some doubts "Nobody else can decide if you're a boy or not," which was exactly what I needed to hear. God, I love supportive friends.

[swallow]

That's a wonderful experience. Thanks for sharing. I always like these pleasant surprise stories!

 

They surprise us sometimes.☺️

 

...sometimes the people we have some doubt whether they are accepting or open minded enough provide the best gems!

 

I've learn never to judge a book by its cover. 😌

[Vidanjali]

😊❤️

[Zelaire]

It's lovely to hear about someone with an open mind and caring heart who, when confronted with something totally alien and new to them, responds by listening and striving to understand. Thanks for sharing, @Vidanjali!

[Vidanjali]

I must say, perhaps paradoxically I have been feeling more driven to be visible lately. I say paradoxically because it would seem that it's much less safe these days to be out, especially as I live in Florida. I've gotten to a point, though, where I am so much less tolerant of fear - I want it out of my body - I've had enough. I continue to use common sense to be safe, reading the room as it were. But, one thing is for sure, no longer want to fear telling friends because the fact is I do not have time or energy for fair weather friends who are not friends at all.

 

Yesterday I told a longtime friend. I have gotten comfortable mentioning it incidentally. I have found that makes it easier. And, I am experimenting with different phrases which may seem less intense than saying "I am transgender". I mentioned to this friend on the phone that over the last few years I have discovered I am "gender diverse". This was in the context of discussing what it's like living in Florida lately (she lives in another state). She did not bat an eye, but just said oh yeah, that makes total sense. Then I laughed and recounted a time many years ago when I came to her freaking out because I thought I was supposed to have a purse to look a certain way at work, but did not actually want one and had no clue what to do. She produced a large bin of her old purses and picked one out for me. We had many such episodes back in the day. I was exaggerating the memory: "purse? what is purse? (puts on head) this is how you do purse?"

 

A couple years ago, while on the phone with another friend from my former job, he commented generally about how some people are men, some women, and others somewhere in between. I said, I'm somewhere in between. He said, okay, then we continued the conversation. Literally just a few minutes ago he and I were texting and after I produced an answer to a gardening problem he had, he said that I'm a "woman of many talents". I texted back "I prefer person of many talents (winky face emoji". Clicked send. Had minor out of body experience. But, he texted back right away with "got it!" Then we continued the conversation. 

 

Amazingly, I have found that when I've dropped information to people about my gender, that information is not necessarily retained later on. I've found this to be true  - like even if I blatantly tell someone I'm trans and do not ID as a woman, then later on they call me girl, woman, etc. With others with whom I've not had any in-depth conversation, I can understand them requiring extra clarification. I wonder why when their friend has told them something so deep and fundamental that it does not necessarily make the impression I would imagine. Perhaps it's because their impression of me as woman is more deeply impressed? Or because cis people just don't think about gender as much? I think I look different. I have been presenting differently, but for me, it goes deeper. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see myself more clearly as a nonbinary kind of masc person with some incongruous parts; whereas before I saw myself veiled with shame, fear and self-deprecation. 

 

I am getting more comfortable offering corrections to woman, girl, ma'am, etc. A couple days ago I was on the phone with the very friend I started this thread about. In the course of the conversation, she commented that I am a "very compassionate woman", I immediately interjected "a very compassion person". She stalled for a second and then said, yes, a very compassionate person. When I do this, I do so with a smile on my face. Someone over the phone can tell when your tone of voice is emerging from a smile. The reason I smile is two-fold. One, I want to set the other person at ease so they don't feel as if they've offended me. Two, my attitude is that it is a joy to affirm who I am. Writing this, I realize I don't even think about putting the smile on my face - it comes naturally when I'm inclined to correct how I am addressed. Conversely, when I do not feel comfortable doing so, I keep my mouth shut altogether. 

 

If just a few people in my life know they love a trans person, regardless of their comfort level or understanding of it, I feel that impact will inevitably ripple outward. If someone were on the fence, for example, about whether to laugh along with someone making a transphobic joke, maybe they would be able to resist, reflect, or even offer a more enlightened perspective to others. The fact is, we're here. We are not the lies that are told about us. We are not objects to be weaponized. I feel angry from time to time about how it's even to the point where the internalized transphobia I struggle to let go of is triggered by the hateful political poison. I am determined to neutralize that poison, and further to let my light shine. May we all feel empowered to shine.

[Sally Stone]

48 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

I am determined to neutralize that poison, and further to let my light shine.

Vidanjali I couldn't agree more.  I have always felt that by moving through society as Sally, I am, person by person, neutralizing the poison.  Of course, there are people who are simply too terrified to let go of their poison, but fortunately, they are not the majority.  The fraidy cats tend to be loudmouths, so it often seems they exist in greater numbers.  The quiet majority are a far greater percentage of the population and by letting our light shine, as you say, we gain allies and reduce the poison.  

 

I love your course of action and it reminds me to keep following your lead, even though it might feel as though the targets on our backs are bigger.  

[Vidanjali]

51 minutes ago, Sally Stone said:

Vidanjali I couldn't agree more.  I have always felt that by moving through society as Sally, I am, person by person, neutralizing the poison.  Of course, there are people who are simply too terrified to let go of their poison, but fortunately, they are not the majority.  The fraidy cats tend to be loudmouths, so it often seems they exist in greater numbers.  The quiet majority are a far greater percentage of the population and by letting our light shine, as you say, we gain allies and reduce the poison.  

 

I love your course of action and it reminds me to keep following your lead, even though it might feel as though the targets on our backs are bigger.  

 

❤️🙌❤️