Deciding whether to come out and how

[ConfusedKitty]

I just can't really decide.

 

There are people I am "out" to (my brother and a NB friend) and that's kind of it. I couldn't change my gender on Facebook without it being public (can't change the setting to private) and I'm not quite ready for that. Also, I think it's a terrible decision to make having your gender public on Facebook mandatory. But I guess that wouldn't be Facebook's only terrible decision, so it is what it is. I do wish I could be out there, though, for the sense of community. And FWIW, my brother wasn't surprised at all. It's like I told him the sky was blue... lol. He's Ace and has a ton of non-binary and trans friends, so of course he'd have figured it out. 

 

Also, I'm Agender, and some people already have plenty of trouble with FtM and MtF trans people. As I well know, based on all my friends' experiences. And for me... being gendered is just "meh"? Like, people are going to do it. A lot of them can't even grasp the idea of non-binary gender identities, or they do in theory and then I tell them "I not genderfluid, I'm agender, I don't HAVE a gender" and they just... don't understand. I don't get outright hostility and violence like FtM and MtF people, thank goodness, but sometimes it's like peoples' brains just bluescreen and then they default to 'female' (or occasionally 'male'). And since I don't care very much, since I know there's basically absolutely nothing I can do about that, in the grand scheme of things I guess that's fine. I don't live in a place where I have to perform a rigid idea of femininity. 

 

So I feel very ambivalent about it, but one of the people I do want to talk to is my mother. The issue is that while she is extremely accepting of trans people (she'd have to be, with my friend group) I really don't think she will understand at all. On the other hand, I'm worried maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. But then, once the cat is out of the bag, I can't really shove it back in. And also because I know, at a fundamental level, she will always think of me as firmly female, and the only way I'd ever change that would be to transition to fully male, which I have zero interest in for obvious reasons. So... it feels pointless. As for my dad's side of the family, they're not understanding about trans or non-binary ANYTHING. My cousin cut me off for years after I revealed that I was bi/pan, so yeah that wouldn't go well. My dad's not in the picture, but he's actually probably the one person out of all of them who wouldn't care.

 

Then there's my spouse. I feel like on a certain level, he knows. He also has many non-binary and trans friends, and gay family members. If I were anyone in his friend group, it'd be NBD for him... but I'm his spouse, and that's different. I don't think he would reject me. I do suspect it would cause him a certain amount of distress. It's just that I see a lot of queer meetups I desperately want to go to (queer crafting group!) and he'd basically have to know. We've got a toddler - it's not like I can sneak around on him without him suspecting something far worse, since we've agreed to be fully monogamous. Then again, "I'm not having an affair, I'm just agender and I wanted to do crochet with queer people" would probably be the most hilarious reveal I could think of. I guess I could just call it a crafting group and not reveal exactly what it is, but obviously if one of his/our friends sees me there, things would get weird. I just want some IRL friends without any friend overlap (yet, until I can explain things). 

 

Is there someone non-binary or agender or genderfluid who has come out to their spouse or parents? What did you do, and how did it go? Any ideas on how I can handle this? Has anyone quietly come out on social media? I wouldn't make a public post about it or anything... just quietly change my gender. Maybe I'd make a post that only my queer friends could see, though.

[VickySGV]

I get a feeling you  are spinning yourself dizzy with over thinking.  You do not need to "come out in the situations you describe there at all.  YOU ARE OUT to them by being with them.  Will it make a difference to your marital relations?  Marital relations should be evolving throughout a marriage anyway, so cover your "out" simply with communication with your spouse there.  Those should be fun and satisfying to each of you and do not matter beyond that.  For the others who are pretty diverse and think you fit with them anyway, that is OUT enough, and it gives you room for exploration of who and what you are, which sounds to me like it is pretty fluid.  David Bowie's song Rebel Rebel is an example of what I hear.  "Rebel, rebel in a whirl, don''t know if your boy or girl, hey babe well that's alright,...."  They don't care and sill love each other, and the community with them.

[ConfusedKitty]

19 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I get a feeling you  are spinning yourself dizzy with over thinking.  You do not need to "come out in the situations you describe there at all.  YOU ARE OUT to them by being with them.  Will it make a difference to your marital relations?  Marital relations should be evolving throughout a marriage anyway, so cover your "out" simply with communication with your spouse there.  Those should be fun and satisfying to each of you and do not matter beyond that.  For the others who are pretty diverse and think you fit with them anyway, that is OUT enough, and it gives you room for exploration of who and what you are, which sounds to me like it is pretty fluid.  David Bowie's song Rebel Rebel is an example of what I hear.  "Rebel, rebel in a whirl, don''t know if your boy or girl, hey babe well that's alright,...."  They don't care and sill love each other, and the community with them.

 

Yeah, you're right. I spent some time talking through it with a friend of mine, who is kind of in the same boat. I made a restricted Facebook post, and they approached me and told me they felt the same way but never had a word for it. I think that's where the real value lay, because now someone else has vocabulary that they didn't before. 

[ConfusedKitty]

With my spouse... I guess part of it is so I'm able to tell them when I feel particularly miserable or awful about something, with a "why". They do ask why sometimes, and I never have a good answer.

[VickySGV]

9 minutes ago, ConfusedKitty said:

. They do ask why sometimes, and I never have a good answer.

 

You are dealing with a feeling which does not need to be explained is what I read, so you will not need to have an answer.  As to why, you need their unconditional love acceptance and at  least a hug or even just a few minutes being present with them even if all you do is listen to the other's breathing as your insides process your world.

[Astrid]

5 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

Is there someone non-binary or agender or genderfluid who has come out to their spouse or parents? What did you do, and how did it go? Any ideas on how I can handle this?

 

Yes, I have, to my spouse back in 2018.  What did I do?  Well, I had reached a point where I could no longer keep the anger and dysphoria to myself, and was determined to come out to my spouse.  But, rather than blurt out "I'm non-binary!". I prepared for it carefully, doing tons of intense reading for months (which really helped confirm that I had those qualities and preferences that are in common with others who identify as non-binary), and then prepared a written coming-out letter to my spouse (which ended up as six pages, and addressed many of the same things you've mentioned).  Shortly after my coming out, we jointly attended (highly beneficial) sessions with a gender therapist.  I joined a trans-rights political campaign in my state for six months, working with scores of gender non-conforming folks, which confirmed to me how much I fit in with them.

 

In summary, staying isolated isn't as productive as learning from, and perhaps working with, others.  That goes a long way in erasing your fears and moving forward on your journey.

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid

[ConfusedKitty]

21 minutes ago, Astrid said:

 

Yes, I have, to my spouse back in 2018.  What did I do?  Well, I had reached a point where I could no longer keep the anger and dysphoria to myself, and was determined to come out to my spouse.  But, rather than blurt out "I'm non-binary!". I prepared for it carefully, doing tons of intense reading for months (which really helped confirm that I had those qualities and preferences that are in common with others who identify as non-binary), and then prepared a written coming-out letter to my spouse (which ended up as six pages, and addressed many of the same things you've mentioned).  Shortly after my coming out, we jointly attended (highly beneficial) sessions with a gender therapist.  I joined a trans-rights political campaign in my state for six months, working with scores of gender non-conforming folks, which confirmed to me how much I fit in with them.

 

In summary, staying isolated isn't as productive as learning from, and perhaps working with, others.  That goes a long way in erasing your fears and moving forward on your journey.

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

Thank you. This was actually very helpful! I guess that's where I find the reason, because for example, yesterday I had to go bra shopping and it would have been nice to get emotional support from my spouse when I felt particularly terrible about it. And I really don't want to stay isolated. As for my spouse, he's pretty well versed on the topic, so at least I don't have to explain everything, and I feel like this would be a pretty big thing to keep from him. Not quite like lying, but not showing enough trust in him. I think it would be kind of crummy of me if my hair stylist knows and my own spouse doesn't.

 

I watched a video on non-binary dysphoria earlier today, and pretty much nodded my head the whole way through it. I've spent probably ten years reading and researching. I spent some time chatting with my brother, and he told me that he has actually already explained non-binary to our mother under some other premise. 

 

With a lot of my friends, it's an open secret, "Ha ha ha you're the only cis person at queer bowling night *wink*". So it would be nice to just break the tension. In that case, I see it as a courtesy to them more than anything. Like hey, it's cool, you don't have to pretend any more.

 

My therapist works with gender identity issues, so I think I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I can talk to her. I'm sure this isn't her first rodeo, so she may be able to tell me how best to go about talking to my mother and spouse. 

 

Also, thank you for participating in trans rights campaigns. I've done political work, and I know how exhausting it can be, so I appreciate it when someone transforms thought into action.

[Astrid]

12 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

for example, yesterday I had to go bra shopping and it would have been nice to get emotional support from my spouse when I felt particularly terrible about it. And I really don't want to stay isolated. As for my spouse, he's pretty well versed on the topic, so at least I don't have to explain everything, and I feel like this would be a pretty big thing to keep from him. Not quite like lying, but not showing enough trust in him.

 

You are spot on!  In the Before Times I shopped secretly, purged periodically, and genuinely felt awful. Once I came out and my spouse adjusted to the new me, we actually enjoy jointly viewing catalogs and planning our orders, or shopping together in physical stores.  It's such a difference!  

 

From your descriptions, it sounds as if your husband is an understanding and potentially supportive person, meaning that odds are reasonable that his reaction to your coming out in with positivity will be good.  I can't tell you how many milestones I've passed where I needlessly worried beforehand, only to find that it really wasn't that big a deal.

 

13 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

My therapist works with gender identity issues, so I think I'm going to hold off on actually doing anything until I can talk to her. I'm sure this isn't her first rodeo, so she may be able to tell me how best to go about talking to my mother and spouse. 

 At some point in the future, consider inviting your spouse to your therapy sessions for some period of time.  I know that it was extremely helpful for both of us.

 

Best,

 

Astrid