Is it normal to be so afraid?

[Josnn]

I haven't officially come out to anyone, except a couple people privately online, and very recently you all here. I have tried in the past to come out to my grandmother, and I distinctly remember this one point last year. I thought I had built up the courage, and I just sat there next to her for, probably half an hour give or take, but just ended up saying "never mind" and leaving the room. I have even tried hinting to her before and since, or ways to gauge her reaction, but I can never get the courage to actually.. go through with it. She is pretty much the only person I would come out too, and I am effectively estranged from the entirety of the rest of my family already (and I want to keep it that way). I mean, unless I move back to my home state, I know the public around here (the midwest) also probably wouldn't approve, but they are of lesser concern to me. 

 

I just feel like not being able to do anything about this is sort of eating away at me. It's hard to describe. Maybe she even knows, but refuses to say anything. Ican be "eccentric". I am very different from the perceived "norm". I feel like I would be seen differently, and that scares me to no end. 

[KathyLauren]

Pretty much all of us have experienced this to some degree or other.  I was like that before I came out to my wife.  It took me months to work up the courage.  Many times in that period, I had the words in my head, I had taken a breath to start speaking them, but they just wouldn't come out.

 

Pretty much the only way to do it is to just do it.  It will feel like you are jumping out of an airplane, and you just have to hope that your parachute opens. 

 

It is scary, but it is the only way forward.  Good luck.  When you are able to do it, I hope it goes well for you.

[VickySGV]

You may be worse off than a few of us have been, but than not as bad off as most of the others either.  It is a very deep and personal story and varies from person to person so there is no one way to do.  Here in the Forums we have a lot of stories from other people about how they did it, and one of those stories just may give you an idea of how you want to do it.  I did it with books to some of my victims, but there are some movies today that if not exactly what is on your mind, may be close enough to at least give you a direction to go in.  Letters work, and maybe selfie video could do the job nicely.  Lots of things, very few bad, mostly OK, and one or two that in hindsight were terrific but not obvious at first.  You are doing fine.  

[Colleen Henderson]

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

― Anais Nin

 

For many of us, the pain of keeping our secret becomes so overwhelming that we're driven to take action we would never consider otherwise. For example, who in his or her right mind would reveal something like this that is likely to destroy a happy marriage? 

 

Sadly, in many cases it does come down to whether or not you opt to maintain your own sanity. We can do only so much damage control, and it really is up to others as to how they respond. 

[Abigail Eleanor]

I like what Colleen said about this, probably because I feel it fits my own situation.  At the moment the only people I am out to are the people directly helping me transition, such as my electrologist and the doctor who is managing my hormone therapy.  One thing I heard a while ago really intrigues me, I was told that even if you never come out somehow many of your family and acquaintances already know.  Maybe they don't know exactly that you are trans, but they know you aren't exactly "straight" or "normal".  (I used quotes to signify that the meaning of those words isn't all that clarifying anymore)

 

But as the others are saying, each person's journey will be unique in some way and your path forward will eventually manifest itself to you.  It's good you are talking about it here, there are many people who will have useful insights to help guide you.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Yeah, I think the fear is normal.  And sometimes the fear is so strong that it totally covers up your own ability to know yourself.  At least, that's how it was for me.  And even after you're out, the fear can still remain to some degree. 

[Josnn]

Thank you all for the kind words and feedback! It has put a smile on my face. I think I will have to keep building up the courage, but it's very nice to read how others who have gone through a similar situation felt. The comment about jumping out of an airplane and hoping your parachute opens has really suck with me.

[Josnn]

8 hours ago, Katie23 said:

Josnn,

 

If you truly know, you know. Whether you open up or not is a hard thing. For the most part, if you have solid relationships, they should continue. Would not telling anybody change your decision? Just know that there is great support available. Things are not as dire as we think at times. Good luck with whatever you decide. There are no universal solutions. I wish you the best of luck with your decisions.

I've known for a long time. I don't think I ever really questioned it, maybe my sexuality I have questioned, but not this. Some days I feel like I would be accepted, but other days I don't.. or I don't know. I only care about coming out to one person, maybe I am just overthinking it. I don't have any real relationships with anybody else, so aside from that it would be kind of afresh start.

[Lydia_R]

The fear was crushing for me.  I don't perceive myself as very social and coming out seemed like insanity.  But after starting HRT and liking the effects, I committed myself and didn't want to be in the closet anymore.  Bringing it up in conversation was impossibly hard for me, so I just wrote emails to everyone.  I came out to most everyone I know including work within one week.  Then I was completely out and using my new name.  I didn't have any strong negative response.  I'm single, live in Portland, have a tech career, have very little family still alive.  My situation was very easy, but the fear was still intense.

 

That was 3 months ago and the dust has settled.  I'm working on getting a new birth certificate now.  No going back and no regrets.  I didn't envision how nice it would be, so that fear was really unfounded.  I feel so much more comfortable introducing myself as Lydia than I did with my dead name.  People instantly understand that I am transgender and I'm at peace with that.  It's actually fun.  I enjoy going out in public more that I ever have.

[Gianna_P]

Lydia, thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds to me like jumped off the cliff and found the water to be just fine. We, who continue to struggle, need to hear stories like yours. How happy we would all be in a world where our gender expression was met with shrugs as much as support.

[Human Creature]

Maybe there's a way to suss out her feelings on trans people in general? That way you can get a feel for if it's safe to tell her. I wish I had more to give.

[Jupiter]

Oh yes.  I waited 6 years before coming out at my current place of work as I was so scared of being rejected by people I respected and counted as friends.

 

I'm still not out to my mum, sister or some of my more 'spicy' friends that have views in this area, and I'm 47 so its not like I've got bolder with age!

[Amy2023]

On 1/14/2023 at 12:34 PM, Josnn said:

I haven't officially come out to anyone, except a couple people privately online, and very recently you all here. I have tried in the past to come out to my grandmother, and I distinctly remember this one point last year. I thought I had built up the courage, and I just sat there next to her for, probably half an hour give or take, but just ended up saying "never mind" and leaving the room. I have even tried hinting to her before and since, or ways to gauge her reaction, but I can never get the courage to actually.. go through with it.

I just saw this conversation from other people giving a response and thought I’d put in my opinion. I’m kind of going through the same thing with my mom right now. Like part of me is hoping she’d bring it up seeing my strut around the office (I’m working with her right now) or around the house. If I could get her to understand and accept it, it might not be as bad for my dad or she’ll just tell him to shut the hell up and get over it. But I’m to scared to actually tell her. I don’t know how. Every time I think about telling her, different ways play out in my head and they are not good outcomes. So if she would see it and bring it up, it might make it easier to talk about. My wife is the same way. When we talk, I’ll just stare at her, trying to think of the words to use, but the fear of not knowing keeps me from trying. I’m pretty sure that she knows what’s wrong even though she hasn’t asked. She knows that I will tell her the truth if she asks me, I’m just not sure if she hasn’t asked because she doesn’t want to know because she may be afraid that our marriage might be over as well. Other than those here, I’ve only told my therapist. Yet most of it was in a letter. I know it’s been a few months since your post and I’d like to know if you were able to get the courage to tell your grandmother and if so, how you felt afterwards?

 

On 1/14/2023 at 2:13 PM, Colleen Henderson said:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

― Anais Nin

 

For many of us, the pain of keeping our secret becomes so overwhelming that we're driven to take action we would never consider otherwise. For example, who in his or her right mind would reveal something like this that is likely to destroy a happy marriage? 

 

Sadly, in many cases it does come down to whether or not you opt to maintain your own sanity. We can do only so much damage control, and it really is up to others as to how they respond. 

For some it easier to keep it to ourselves and not tell our spouses, but at the same time it’s not easy at all. Now that I know what I know, having gender dysphasia, not being able to put this feeling back in a box on the shelf anymore is becoming just as hard as not telling my wife. I don’t think I’m going to be able to go back to where I was two months ago, just dressing as me when I'm alone, but the fear of completely being alone scares me and makes me not want to tell anyone. And that fear fuels my depression and thoughts I get. 

[Ashley0616]

I told my family over Facebook messenger that I was trans and I was reluctant because I too was afraid. It took a long time to finally say it. I'm 38 and I have felt this way since I was 7 the only thing was I didn't know how to tell them. I knew if I did when I was growing up that I definitely wouldn't have their support. I then joined the military and they had a don't ask, don't tell policy. I didn't feel comfortable even telling my first two wives. I though I could trust my third and she was supportive at first but it back fired really quick. Her best friend even bought her a book on amazon that was talking about when spouse is transitioning. I only regret doing it sooner than what I did. I could've been a lot further in the process but I was also in denial too. I thought that if I treated my depression that gender dysphoria would go away but of course it didn't. I wish you the best of luck!