Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Relationship issues


Recommended Posts

Hello all, I'm Allison and I'm new here, but already feel very welcomed, and look forward to be able to talk about some issues here that I just can't bring up anywhere else.


I really wonder about how all of you do deal with relationship issues, and specifically dealing with men you are dating.  When to tell them, how to explain who you are to them, and how to react if they do not respond well to your being transgender.


I have been post-op for 12 years (I'm 34 now), and several years ago I got into a relationship with a guy I really connected with.  He was about my age but he was smart, funny, I enjoyed being around him, and yes we had a great sex life as well.  I didn't tell him about my being transgender because I guess in the back of my mind, I worried it was going to ruin a relationship I was really enjoying.  Then after we dated for just over a year, he proposed to me, and I said yes.  I mean I knew this was the wrong thing to do, without him knowing that fact about me that was important to be truthful to him about, but in my mind, I guess I was in a world where he'd never have to know.  


But then when he brought up the subject of us having children, of course he had to know.  So I told him, this was maybe a month or so after we got engaged.  He really freaked out about it.  He didn't understand at all, obviously, and he accused me of deceiving him, of being a "fake" woman, and it almost felt like he was restraining himself from physically assaulting me.  As you can guess the engagement was called off that night and I haven't seen him again.


I guess in the back of my mind, once I was full time, and especially post-op, the reality of who I was up until I changed would just go away.  But obviously it doesn't, not completely.  Very, very few people around me know about my history (and I prefer it that way), but a relationship is a very tricky thing for me.  Do you need to tell the men you are in a relationship with early?  If you believe it will never go as far as marriage, do they need to know?  Do all the men you are sexual with need to know?   I guess I felt that only the man that would become my husband needs to know, but if that's true, when do you need to tell him?


This has been so frustrating but I'm sure other people on here have had many of the same questions go through their head.  I appreciate any advice that any of you have! ☺️

Link to comment

I can't answer in the context of dating men, since I am a lesbian.  But, speaking of relationships in general, I think it is important to tell a partner with whom there is a chance of a serious long-term relationship. 


Secrets are hazardous for long-term relationships, especially big ones.  I told my wife as soon as I could after I had figured out that I was trans.  (We had been married 13 years at that point.)  Even so, she was upset that I hadn't told her sooner.  I didn't understand it myself before then, but it didn't matter.  She still thought I should have told her.  That is how toxic a big secret, or the appearance of a big secret is to a relationship.


Another reason to tell is to weed out people like your ex-fiance.  It must have hurt to break off the relationship, but better to find out his attitude towards trans women at that point than years later, when both of you would have had more invested in the relationship.


If it is just a one-night stand (or one week, or whatever), a casual fling, there is no reason the partner needs to know.  But if either party is thinking of making it permanent, I think it is time to be fully truthful.  As soon as the idea of a long-term relationship comes up, there are about 1000 questions that the two people should be asking each other and volunteering the answers to.  (Literally 1000.  When my wife and I got engaged, we worked through a book of 1000 questions to ask each other.  Being trans wasn't one of them, so I guess it's 1001.)

Link to comment

Yes it hurt greatly.  But it's so hard to know where the point is where you need to tell.  I guess the relationship just went from casual, to a nice one, to something more serious, to being engaged in such a way that no time felt right.  


The only thing I can think of that makes any sense is that I set a number in my mind that if I date someone a certain number of times, they need to know.  So after 10 dates (just picking a number out of the air), he needs to know, no matter where I think the relationship might go next.


I guess a part of my mind just wanted to enjoy the relationship as long as I couldn't without ruining it by the risk of him responding the way he did, but in a way I was not being fair to him either.  But if I had told him after 10 dates, I'm sure he would have reacted negatively anyway, and we wouldn't have had the other 10 months or so of our relationship which really were special for what it was.


Thanks for giving me things to think about though Kathy.  This has bothered me a lot since we broke up last year and I just wanted to have a clearer idea in my mind of how to deal with this next time.

Link to comment

My Opinion is honesty from the beginning is the best policy for me.It is going to take someone really special in the male species for them to understand  it unless of course they are also trans 

Link to comment

I agree with much of what you said Katie, and thanks for the advice everyone, i really appreciate it.


I really have thought a great deal about the need to tell at all.  And even though I can probably count the number of people who do know about me in California on one hand, if I am going to marry someone they are going to have to meet my family of course.  And it would be hard to explain why there are no pictures of me in elementary school as a little girl, and of course somebody is probably going to let my old name slip out by accident.  So they have to know.  I guess for me it's a question of not having to tell right away, and not for short-term relationships, but at a certain point it just has to happen because things are obviously going past just a short term.  That's why I thought just picking a certain number of dates as a hard and fast rule is the best way to go.

Link to comment

If a certain number of dates works for you, then it works. 


If it doesn't work (and what works or not may change depending on the relationship), than a sure-fire way to tell that it is time is when someone raises the subject of marriage.  It doesn't have to be "Will you marry me?"  It could be a little softer, like "Do you think we should get married," or something similar.  When the subject comes up, it is time to talk about "Do you want children?"  In that discussion, it would be the right time to say that you can't have kids.  It wouldn't matter if it was a cis woman who had had a hysterectomy or a trans woman, it is time to talk about it. 


If the subject comes up in the form of "Will you marry me?", the answer should not automatically be Yes, even if you want to.  It is entirely appropriate to say "Wait a second.  We need to talk about some things."

Link to comment

I know I was too quick to accept the marriage proposal.  But the proposal was somewhat unexpected, but so sweet, and I was in love, and when a moment like that happens, sometimes you just aren't thinking.  It's just that the idea of being his wife was so appealing to me, my heart said "Yes!" before my brain jumped in with "hold on a second.."


It really should have never reached that point, but love can take you to places where you don't think logically.  But even if there's the slightest hint that a relationship might go somewhere that marriage is even a possibility, yes he need to know before that happens.


But for a first date, or even second or third, it's just not anything he needs to know.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 37 Guests (See full list)

    • Betty K
    • Ivy
    • KathyLauren
    • April Marie
    • DeeDee
    • happyinvermont
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Immortal Forest
      Immortal Forest
    2. Kaylen11
    3. Myles97
    4. Rosie.
      (31 years old)
    5. starlyk
  • Posts

    • Ivy
      It's nothing intentional.  There just aren't many to start with. (This is a very "red" area)  They do move in their own world.  My youngest (queer, mid 20's) lives with me these days.  She's a barista and works with a trans woman.     I suppose I seem a bit odd to them.  I'm kind of an old hag with tattoos and stuff.  I really don't like to draw attention (which probably seems weird since I'm openly trans)  I did get out and participated in some protests uptown after RW was overturned.  People that actually know me are fine with me.  But there are the weird looks from strangers.   The young people have their own thing going.  My daughter stays up at night playing video games online with her friends, and sleeps in.  Me, I like to go to bed, get up early, and bake bread.  I'm happy to talk to people when I'm out and about.  But I can't hear very well either, which doesn't help.
    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Mirrabooka,   Welcome to Transpulse.  I'm glad you're here.   Lots of love and a big welcome hug, Timber Wolf🐾
    • April Marie
      Hi, and welcome! You’ll find many of us here who are in the discovery phase of life, working through gender identity shifts and transitioning partially, fully or not at all. The forum is clearly the right place for you to explore, to ask questions, provide insight or just to be in a place where you are accepted and welcomed.   It certainly seems that you are happy and, even if your wife might not fully understand she is tolerant and supportive...which is so very wonderful.   I look forward to hearing about your journey! 
    • Timber Wolf
      Good morning everyone,🌹   Happy birthday Rosie🎂 Happy birthday starlyk🎂 Happy birthday Valryra🎂 Happy birthday Myles97🎂 Happy birthday Immortal Forest🎂 Happy birthday Kaylen11🎂 Hope you have a terrific day!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾
    • Charlize
      I certainly love seeing some positive news!  It's a pity that this is necessary but glad to see the support given by this legislation.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Betty K
      "Unhealthy politics" is an understatement! And yes, I think we sent a pretty clear message. I'm a little worried about the "violent trans activists silencing free speech" narrative that is sure to be spun from this though.
    • Lydia_R
      Here is the butternut squash soup recipe I developed a few years ago.  I've got some butternut squash cooking this morning.   1 large, or 2 small, butternut squash 1 quart of soup stock 1 tsp salt 1/2 tsp paprika 1/4 tsp fine black pepper   Split the squash and place face down in a casserole dish.  Cook in the oven at 320 for one hour.  Turn the oven off and let sit in the oven for another 20 minutes.   Make veggie stock.  I chop some onion, celery and cabbage.  Fry the onion in 2tbsp oil for 2 minutes.  Add the celery and cook for another 2 minutes.  Add the cabbage, stir and put the lid on to braise for 3 minutes.  Add 4 quarts of water, bring to a boil and then simmer for one hour.  Strain, add 1 tsp salt (preservative) and 1/2 teaspoon paprika.  Put into quart mason jars and put in the fridge.  Makes 3 quarts.   Scoop the squash out into a sauce pot.  Add a quart of the veggie and bring to a boil, stirring to break up the squash.  Simmer for 15 minutes.  Add the spices and simmer for another 10 minutes.  Puree in a blender.  Chill in the fridge.  Serve cold.
    • KathyLauren
    • KathyLauren
      Hee-hee!  Gotta love the censorbot.  😄   Glad to hear that the Aussies and Kiwis gave her a proper welcome and sen-off.
    • Mirrabooka
      Hello all, first post. I’ve got so much to say but I don’t want to overdo it straight up, so I hope I don’t, but I probably have.    I feel a little lost and I’m looking for a home. Sorry, that’s a bit dramatic, so let me explain. I secretly started crossdressing in panties and bras when I was a child just like millions of other boys probably did, then grew out of it, but I began it again after my wife and I got married, 38 years ago. Over many years, I introduced panty play into the bedroom and then occasionally as day wear for her to discover. Fast forward a decade or two and it is now normal for me to wear my own panties daily and bras whenever I feel like it. I feel extremely lucky to sport a pair of moobs that almost fill a B-cup bra. My wife and I are still happily married and she totally accepts my kink but I have always held the view that she doesn’t really understand. To her it is just a kink but to me it is much deeper than that. You know the old saying about men being in touch with their feminine side? To me, over the past year or so, it is more like me falling in love with my inner woman, and I am now happy to let her out, bit by bit.   Also, a couple of years ago I learnt that due to an ongoing medical condition, if things kept deteriorating, I would eventually be placed on hormone treatment consisting of a drug to stop my production of testosterone. I researched the side effects and discovered that it had dramatic de-masculinizing effects as well as the possibility of mild feminizing effects. My reaction? I was excited! How wrong is that? I haven’t started ADT yet but I expect to, possibly this year.   Despite my increasing comfort with letting my inner woman show herself more and more, which I have done by letting my hair and nails grow and wearing more unisex looking clothing, I am not looking to transition. Well, I don’t think I am, but I can’t help thinking that my mind already has. I’m not trying to ‘pass’ in public though, it’s just that I’m more comfortable now being true to myself. Does that make sense?   The thing is, I am happy to be male. I am not dysphoric and never have been. I am happy to be considered as being somewhere on the rainbow, but I don’t need a femme name or them/they pronouns. But, the thought of my hormone balance shifting to the point where I might undergo a certain amount of involuntary feminization on top of my already pink brain, puts my mind in a happy space. I imagine being a man with a woman’s body.   More recently I was questioning my gender identity. At one stage I made up my mind that I was the simultaneous type of bigender, but labels are less important to me now. I am what I am. But I still went ahead and listed Questioning as my gender identity here.   I guess I sound a bit confused and stressed. I have a question which I would dearly love to be answered. Am I in the right place here? I have lurked here and on other forums for quite a while now, but some of the other CD forums seem too extreme for me. I’m not into passing or drag or play dates. I just want to talk. I am happy to be steered in the right direction if I can’t make a home here. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • happyinvermont
      Sounds great to me can't wait. Still long wait once consult done wait to see if insurance will pay for it. Then an appeal. Then booking OR and DR. Final fitting. I feel still many steps but a start
    • Emma De
      time passes slowly as I wait.
    • Brianna R
      Thank you all I just needed to vent. ❤️
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...