I think I’m trans. How to tell my wife

[Hannah84]

Hello everyone. I’m just coming to realize that I’m 80 percent trans. My wife has known about my cross dressing for many years. Recently I have had some time to think and research if I’m trans. I have come to the conclusion that I am. I want to start HRT therapy to grow my breast tissue, reduce facial hair and give me a curvy appearance. I am already very slim, 130 lbs, 5’9”.

Im a very active person that loves the outdoors amd doing manly stuff. But on the other hand. I love when my wife leaves the house for an hour or more. I have acquired a fairly large selection of clothes( which my wife doesn’t know about) 

over the past year I’ve been off work and had more time to do makeup and dress up pretending to be female. My wife has recently stopped working due to medical reasons. Therefore I haven’t been able to dress up and do make up. The other day she went to town and I had a bit of time to do makeup and rush because her and my kids were gonna come home soon….. 

since then I haven’t been able to sleep, I’m think about how to tell my wife I’m trans, and absecess about transitioning from mtf. 
I’m a rock in a hard place atm. I want to tell my wife so bad but I’m scared of the consequences.

divorce, kids, family, friends… 
I know I’m trans and I’m having a hard time mentally trying to decide what I should do.

im stuck as a man in a women’s body…..

man to my kids and wife/family

women in my head……

My wife and I have been through a lot in the past. Infedelity, weight, trust, issues. I think she would accept me as she already has suspicion due to my previous decisions and things I’ve researched…..(how to developed breast tissue for male) she doesn’t want me to change my appearance for her, but for me I feel trapped.

 

what are some of the best ways to tell our wives and to maintain a normal marriage

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Hannah.  I feel for you.  I was in the same position a few years ago, though I never had kids to worry about.  I was worried how I could tell my wife. 

 

There's only one way to do it, and that's to just do it.  I planned a bit, anticipating some of her questions and how I would answer them.  But when it came right down to it, I just had to take a deep breath and say it: I think I am transgender.  It took me months to work up the nerve to say it.

 

Before I did that, I had to consider the consequences.  I am not going to tell you how to "maintain a normal marriage".  It's not up to you, just like it was not up to me.  I thought there was a good chance that my wife would stay with me, knowing how she felt about LGBTQ+ people.  But there was also a chance that she would leave me.  It would hurt if that was her decision, but I had to accept that possibility.

 

As it turned out, my wife stayed, and we are still together 7 years later.  I hope you have the same good luck and that your wife is as strong as mine.  Good luck!

[Mmindy]

Good evening Hannah,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, you're in a friendly place here. I'm sure there will be several people chiming in here on your situation. You're a leg up on me and my coming out to my wife. You're wife at least knows you have a CD feminine side to your personality. @KathyLauren is correct about none of us having a normal marriage, or good advice on how to keep a spouse in the marriage after you come out. I took a similar approach by just sitting down with my wife, and told her that I was transgender and would be exploring my needs to transition. We were married 45 years at the time, and to say she didn't take it well is an UNDERSTATEMENT! I was already in therapy for other issues, and invited my wife to come with me to therapy, because I knew that my therapist would have better wording when it came to explaining what I was feeling. That was the only time my wife went to therapy, and she's not going back. I'm in a very slow transition process, and have managed to stay married for two more years since coming out. At the time my wife exploded in anger, immediately outing me to our two grown children, and their spouses. To her surprise they all supported me and my coming out. Since then I've come out to my sister-in-law and her spouse, so my wife would have someone in her family to talk to... aka Vent. They haven't disowned me, or outed me to anyone else as far as I can tell. I've also come out to one of my daughter's best friends, and a few people in my daily life. The most important thing you can do is be honest with your wife, hope for the best, and understand that the decision to stay in a relationship with you is up to her. You need to find a gender therapist, and see what advise they may have on your advancement towards HRT, and transition.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Hannah84]

Thanks both of you for the reply. I think I’m might have the talk tomorrow while the kids are at school. I am very scared but it needs to be said.

I can’t stop thinking about it and how to say it to her. We have had these types of convos before but it was more because of my interest to dress while having sex. She has said in the past that she’s worried about what’s next…… it’s so hard to tell her the truth but it’s also hard to lie to her.

 

[Zelaire]

Hi, and welcome, @Hannah84!

I don’t have the kind of experience to offer that Mindy and Kathy Lauren do, but I had just about the same question racing through my head about ten months ago or so. Mindy, Kathy Lauren, and several other of the great folks here offered me lots of helpful advice and words of support, too.  In case it helps, I can tell you in my case that I focused on my thoughts and feelings, the questions I’m working to answer, and I didn’t use labels, including the word transgender. I know it can be a loaded word, even for people who are LGBTQ+ allies. She understood me clearly without it, and we had an open and earnest conversation. I still worry about the future, depending on what I may determine in the future that I need to do or not do, but for now at least I know she loves me and is sympathetic to the struggle I’ve had to deal with. I can also tell you it was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I knew it needed to happen to keep the bond of honesty and trust between us, even if I ultimately never do anything about my identity. Every person is different, and I imagine then everyone’s reaction to the conversation may be different, but I hope your wife finds similar sympathy and loving kindness for you.

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, Hannah84 said:

what are some of the best ways to tell our wives and to maintain a normal marriage

Hello @Hannah84! I think many of us in this position could write a book on this question but unfortunately every one of them would have a different conclusion because of the ginormous amount of variables within each marriage.

 

The responses you’ve received so far are awesome and I don’t have much to add except redundancy. I will just give you some basic advice that helped me while disclosing similar things to my spouse. Be honest, be open, be civil when communicating, empathize for your spouse, try not to make predictions about what will be and focus on what has been throughout your life and what you’re experiencing now due to this past. You can’t really know the future and speculation of this magnitude can cause them uncertainty, worry or much worse.

 

10 hours ago, Hannah84 said:

I think she would accept me as she already has suspicion due to my previous decisions and things I’ve researched…..(how to developed breast tissue for male)

On some level, she may know but I can tell you that I had so many similar incidences with my spouse prior to disclosure and I assumed she MUST know. To my surprise, she had no idea. In hindsight, she says there were clues but she never put them all together to come up with the conclusion that I was a woman inside. So one never knows for sure until you tell them.

 

I wish you the very best possible outcome and hope your upcoming journey is smooth.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[MirandaB]

Make sure you talk a lot about how much you want to stay married and aren't looking for a change in your relationship, and try to empathize with what she's going to go through.

[Heather Shay]

All great comments above and true. You can't predict how your wife will react but be compassionate as you've lived with this a long time and she is just learning for the first time. Expect shock at first but time will heal that as well as love.

[April Marie]

There have been so many wonderful suggestions and ideas - I'll just add a few thoughts from someone who went through this just a few months ago. As others have said, be honest and don't assume she truly knows already. Remember that you've, largely, been keeping a tremendous secret from her and she may be hurt by that alone - my wife was because we always promised not to keep secrets...and this one was huge. In retrospect, she can look back now and see things - but none of it added up in her mind that I was transgender. In reality, I denied it was possible myself. So, expect shock and some anger. 

 

Be compassionate and understand she may feel hurt and afraid for the future. She may lash out - we had a rough 36 to 48 hours before the healing process began. Remember that you can never tell someone "how to feel" about something. We can only control how WE feel about things. 

 

As others have said, reassure her that you love her and want to remain married and with her (assuming that's what you do really want). She may be concerned that your transformation my change your feelings for her.

 

Finally, as others have said, don't push and expect that things will take time to stabilize and, hopefully, grow stronger.

 

60+ days into my (our) process, we are enjoying a new phase of our almost 50 years of marriage and, in many respects, are stronger and closer now than we have ever been - especially in the past 10 years or so as I fought depression. But, every relationship is, as has been said, different. I pray that you have as much love and joy and support as my wife has given me. Just realize that she needs the same from you.

[Isabella Dior]

I am not sure how to tell your wife. My wife told me she thinks I am trans when I told her I am probably gay. I have been enjoying cross-dressing for many years and finally admitted to my wife that I did that. I even expressed myself in front of her wearing some outfits. It was fun at first and then very awkward because the reaction was one of disgust from her. It was tough. It is tough. I have told one close friend of mine that I think I am trans but honestly, I don't know. Although I am sitting here writing this wearing a lovely black dress with sequins and a gorgeous white sweater and sexy black platform heels. I feel alive. And yet, my wife and family would never accept it. My friends would and have to the extent I have shared myself. I believe my kids would understand moreso than anyone. I want to tell my kids but am afraid. Is it easier to just say I am gay?