A Question about Gender Presentation pre-realisation

[VulpineCripple]

Hi There,

 

I am curious about how other people expressed their gender identity before they realised that they were trans, particularly those who realised quite late.

 

For context, i've only recently, at 47,  realised that i'm trans. When i was a teenager in the fairly conservative climate of 80s Ireland i expressed an non-conforming a gender identity as i felt i could get away with. I wore pink blouses with lace cuffs, pierced my ears, wore ribbons in my long hair and generally did everything i could to blur my gender presentation. i was successful enough that i was regularly perceived as a girl, to my delight. I wasn't conscious of what exactly i was expressing, i thought i was just a 'dandy', my role models were figures like Bowie and Adam Ant. This carried on well into my 20s and even early 30s, until i became a father  and kind of submerged into the 'father' role and low key depression.

 

So, my question is; How did other people express their gender feelings before they realised what they were? Particularly, but not exclusively, people who came to realise that they were trans quite late in life.

 

Thanks for your attention!

[KathyLauren]

I always did like bright colours and patterns.  Unfortunately, I was also hyper-aware that people would consider wearing bright colours to be "gay".  I always knew that I was not a gay man and didn't want to give people that impression, so I forced myself to tone it down and to wear clothes that were only on the slightly-colourful side of drab. 

 

I remember buying my first suit when I was about 18.  The clerk in the men's wear store asked me what colour I wanted.  I thought about it for a second or two and said green.  His response was, "I think not."  He meant which shade of gray did I want?  I ended up with a suit that was dark wine-red.  In the 1970s, a man could get away with wearing a dark colour like that.  Since I transitioned, I am even more aware of how gray men's wear is.

 

The biggest effect of being "unhatched" was a constant strain between what I wanted to wear and what I was allowed to wear.  One time, I was in the city for a few days.  It was cold and blustery, and I had forgotten to bring a tuque.  I went to a store ant bought one, but it was baby-blue.  Well, blue is an "authorized" colour for men, but baby-blue?  Was it too much?  I stressed about it for quite a while.  That kind of thing was the story of my life when it came to presentation.

 

My biggest dysphoria was social, and my presentation was a big part of that.  The joy of being able to wear a swishy floral skirt nowadays is almost indescribable.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Even before I started to figure out what I am, I disliked feminine clothing.  Well, clothing in general.  I stuck with a scanty version of male clothing most of the time, even as a teenager.  There were times that my mother would try to get me to wear a skirt or a dress, and tell me how "nice" I would look if I dressed that way.  While I like some color, I never wanted to wear the pastel colors typically associated with women.  Just....no. 

[VulpineCripple]

17 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I always did like bright colours and patterns.  Unfortunately, I was also hyper-aware that people would consider wearing bright colours to be "gay".  I always knew that I was not a gay man and didn't want to give people that impression, so I forced myself to tone it down and to wear clothes that were only on the slightly-colourful side of drab. 

 

I remember buying my first suit when I was about 18.  The clerk in the men's wear store asked me what colour I wanted.  I thought about it for a second or two and said green.  His response was, "I think not."  He meant which shade of gray did I want?  I ended up with a suit that was dark wine-red.  In the 1970s, a man could get away with wearing a dark colour like that.  Since I transitioned, I am even more aware of how gray men's wear is.

 

The biggest effect of being "unhatched" was a constant strain between what I wanted to wear and what I was allowed to wear.  One time, I was in the city for a few days.  It was cold and blustery, and I had forgotten to bring a tuque.  I went to a store ant bought one, but it was baby-blue.  Well, blue is an "authorized" colour for men, but baby-blue?  Was it too much?  I stressed about it for quite a while.  That kind of thing was the story of my life when it came to presentation.

 

My biggest dysphoria was social, and my presentation was a big part of that.  The joy of being able to wear a swishy floral skirt nowadays is almost indescribable.

Hi KathyLauren,

 

People did generally think i was gay, but it didn't bother me much. I think having a visible physical disability meant that i was used to being looked at. Also my mother was a seamstress and enjoyed making the clothes i designed.

Dresses/Skirts were where i drew the line, i was still  presenting male after all. I did enjoy wearing a long irish kilt at times though!

 

Glad to hear that you're enjoying that swish!

 

[VulpineCripple]

17 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Even before I started to figure out what I am, I disliked feminine clothing.  Well, clothing in general.  I stuck with a scanty version of male clothing most of the time, even as a teenager.  There were times that my mother would try to get me to wear a skirt or a dress, and tell me how "nice" I would look if I dressed that way.  While I like some color, I never wanted to wear the pastel colors typically associated with women.  Just....no. 

Thanks for your perspective Awkward-yet-sweet.

 

I can relate from the other side. The drabness of traditional male clothing always seemed awful to me. People often tried to convince me to present a more masculine stye, telling me that i'd be "handsome" if...

[Jackie C.]

On 3/20/2023 at 7:25 AM, VulpineCripple said:

So, my question is; How did other people express their gender feelings before they realised what they were? Particularly, but not exclusively, people who came to realise that they were trans quite late in life.

 

I wasted SO many years trying to be "masculine." I did masculine things. I dressed in all black. I shied away from anything that would appear "too girly." I hated every Goddess-damned minute of it, but I assumed that everybody else did too. I mean, who could POSSIBLY enjoy masculinity, right? We just didn't talk about it because "guys don't talk about their feelings."

 

In the meantime, I absorbed speech patterns from my favorite ladies and spent my time thinking "I'm wasted as a male, I should have been a woman." I just assumed everyone else felt the same way. I mean why WOULDN'T you? Women are just amazing!

 

I may have been something of an idiot.

 

I relaxed some of that into my 30s as I realized, "Oh crap, there's a word for these feelings," but I was laboring under the impression that my genetic defects would kill me befoe I turned 40 and the political climate wasn't great so I tried to tough it out for a while. It wasn't until about a month before my 48th birthday when I decided that, "Oh hey, you could TRY coming out before you have to kill yourself from misery." I haven't looked back.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

I grew up in a conservative family in the 50's and 60's.  I had no concept of "transgender", but I found out early that being a "sissy" was not a good thing.  And while I was intrigued with the girl's toys, clothes, etc. there was no way I would admit it, even to myself.

In Jr high and high school, I trained myself to get rid of any girly mannerisms I had.  I had to hide my shameful secret.  

As a teen I really wanted to grow my hair out, but that was out of the question in my family.  Despite being determined to not be seen as girly or something, I still often felt the urge to wear something feminine stealthily. (usually some jewelry or something like that) 

As I got older, I married, grew a beard, (think ZZ Top) and rode a motorcycle.  I worked "manly" jobs requiring heavy manual labor.  I had to prove I was a "man" because I never really felt like one.  My wardrobe was mostly bluejeans, T-shirt, and what ever else the weather required.  I wouldn't have been caught dead in pink.  My internalized transphobia was pretty bad.

Then due to unrelated (maybe) circumstances in my 60's I took a peek into the closet and my egg not only cracked, it disintegrated.

These days I love flowing skirts and dresses -- you can't get me into a pair of pants.  I still do wear mostly subdued colors, but I like to add a bit of color as well.  

Life is so much better not having to pretend to be a guy.  Guess I went from camo to camis.

[Sally Stone]

As a youngster and then as a young adult I deeply buried my feminine self expression.  I was terrified that if I revealed my feminine side, even for a fleeting moment, I would be tagged as different or not-quite-right.  I just couldn't bear the thought of not fitting in.  Now, hundreds of years later (I feel as though I am 126 years old some days), I realize what a fool's errand it was worrying about what others might think.  Today, I am proud of my feminine persona and I'm comfortable expressing that part of my personality.  Even after I realized I was trans, I continued to stay closeted and that persisted way longer than I should have let it.  I regret the time I lost being my true self, but it's water under the bridge at this point.  I think I'm making up for it later in life, which is really all I can do now.  

[VulpineCripple]

Thank you everyone for your stories, there's so much i can relate too.

 

I also had difficulty understanding how anyone could possibly enjoy "maleness", so if you were an idiot, Jackie C, then i was too.

 

I was fairly lucky to have been able to express my femininity to the extent that i was it seems.

[Lydia_R]

I was sitting down waiting for a prescription to be filled yesterday watching this man in line in all black.  That was me a year ago (with my mini-dress on underneath of course), but yesterday I was wearing a colorful skirt with what I call a "digital" pattern.  An Indian themed pattern.  I'm not so into the flower prints.  I was wearing a turmeric colored shirt and dainty macrame cardigan.  I like the whole look of the floor in the jedi counsel room.  I feel like a total hipster these days.

 

I relate to the phrase a life in two genders.  Contrast is good.

[Charlize]

Sweet!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize