I'm not dysphoric. Or am I?

[Betty K]

6 hours ago, April Marie said:

Thank you. I choose to be happy with my life. It may not be exactly as I would like but I have so many blessings. I am me, no matter how I may present to the world. 

That’s amazing April Marie, literally. It must take a lot of spiritual wisdom to maintain that attitude.

[phys]

I agree with the statement that maybe what dysphoria look like could be different. 

 

I am afab and very well endowed with breasts-like at least dd cups in bras (I hate bras btw), but I can look in the mirror and my breasts do not bother me. 

 

What does bother me is my current hair cut-I prefer my hair buzzed off-it is to my shoulders currently and looks very "cute and makes my look softer" (comes from one of my closest friends-but does understand it bothers me). The other day I threw on a bright pink shirt because I was underdressed to go get something from upstairs and I had to get it off. As soon as it came off I was fine even with a white top. 

 

As I get older I realize that maybe what bothers me is how dysphoria presents for me. I hope you find your answers. 

[Birdie]

16 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

I guess I'm wired differently. I don't, and never have, felt any compulsion to go 'all out' with dressing femme. A little bit is enough, whether it be panties and bra under 'boy clothes' (but let's face it, most women seem to wear jeans or track pants, and tees or hoodies too) or occasionally, one of my wife's tops in the privacy of our home. And of course, nighties in bed. Dresses don't appeal to me, nor does passing.

 

I think we are all wired a bit differently. Although I do own a few skirts and dresses, I much prefer my leggings or trousers (all off the women's rack). I do my nails in clear and not colours, and I'm fairly androgynous in my choices even in my woman's attire. 

 

I know many of the ladies strive for skirts, stockings, and suspenders coupled with gobs of cosmetics even for a quick trip downtown, but that's not me either. 

 

I never thought about 'passing' until I noticed that I did almost everywhere I went. All I did is remove the beard and grow my hair out, the passing part of it started on it's own. 

 

There is no 'rule book' that I know of, and I just strive to be comfortable in my own skin. How the world perceives me is up to the individuals. 

[MaeBe]

@Mirrabooka,

 

Your last "moment" seemed to be a reaction to stress and that your mind dealt with that stress by going to somewhere comfortable. Per the subject of the thread, I wouldn't say that is dysphoria. I would think it is your mind looking to expend stress through a euphoric situation. You are more comfortable in that "mode" and when the tension builds that is one way your subconscious deals with the stimuli. Does that mean you're more or less trans? No. I means that your center, zen, homeostasis, is one of femininity. It gives you strength when you need it. I think that's a good thing to know about one's self. Does that change anything? Given your post history, no. However, to ignore one's strength is to bow to weakness (feigned Sun Tzu). I spent the afternoon with people I haven't seen in 10+ years and I showed up in a full face and a jacket over mostly feminine clothing. I was still me, but I presented differently than they'd seen me before. There were some moments, but it really didn't change anything. Take that for what you will.

 

💜Mae

[Mirrabooka]

22 hours ago, Betty K said:

I’m so curious what you get from wearing a bra under a hoodie? I just don’t understand where the euphoria stems from in that scenario. Do you think it might be a symbolic thing, like a secret reminder of your femininity? 

Well, it's a bra under a tee shirt under a hoodie when cold, but anyways. I guess the snugness of the band and an occasional tug on the straps gives me an affirming feeling, as does inadvertently brushing an arm over my supported moobs. The outer layers are irrelevant.

[Betty K]

I’m sorry @Mirrabooka, I don’t mean to pry, I guess I just hate bras! Of all the clothes I wear they are the least fun. Different strokes for different folks though, obviously. 

[Mirrabooka]

6 hours ago, MaeBe said:

@Mirrabooka,

 

Your last "moment" seemed to be a reaction to stress and that your mind dealt with that stress by going to somewhere comfortable.

 

100%.

 

6 hours ago, MaeBe said:

Per the subject of the thread, I wouldn't say that is dysphoria. I would think it is your mind looking to expend stress through a euphoric situation. You are more comfortable in that "mode" and when the tension builds that is one way your subconscious deals with the stimuli. Does that mean you're more or less trans? No. I means that your center, zen, homeostasis, is one of femininity. It gives you strength when you need it. 

 

Thank you so much for that. Because I don't experience dysphoria in the traditional sense, or even in other ways - much - I find myself asking the imposter question more than I should. At the end of the day though, I know what I am, and I know what works for me. I don't feel compelled to go beyond that, even though the thought is nice.

[Mirrabooka]

4 minutes ago, Betty K said:

I’m sorry @Mirrabooka, I don’t mean to pry, I guess I just hate bras! Of all the clothes I wear they are the least fun. Different strokes for different folks though, obviously. 

 

Nahh, it's all good. And you're right, we each do what works for us.

[Betty K]

28 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

 

Nahh, it's all good. And you're right, we each do what works for us.

Phew, thanks.

[Birdie]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

I just hate bras! Of all the clothes I wear they are the least fun. Different strokes for different folks though, obviously.

 

Interesting! 🤔

 

We are all wired differently! In my case I spend a great deal of money and energy on bra shopping, much more energy than the rest of my wardrobe. 

 

Not like @Mirrabooka either that looks for the feel of the band and straps.

I look for the bra making the girls look presentable yet comfortable. After I put a bra on I tend to forget about it. 

[Ivy]

These days I wear a bra more than I used to.  The girls aren't all that impressive, and I don't really need the support.  But they are kinda sensitive, and the bra does give some protection - and shapes them more evenly.  There is no way I would go out in public in just a T-shirt.  I'd feel a bit exposed.

 

Having written this, I realized that I do like the support.  Oh well, I'm still figuring this stuff out.

[Betty K]

I just find bras so uncomfortable. I'll admit I do go places in just a t-shirt (or more likely a tank top) sometimes, but I also wear bras sometimes. I'd probably like them better if I had some nice looking ones, and a boyfriend to appreciate them.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

I'd probably like them better if I had some nice looking ones, and a boyfriend to appreciate them.

That might help.

The ones I've been wearing are actually not uncomfortable.  Nothing fancy though.  Just black, I like black ones.

[Mirrabooka]

I’m posting this here because maybe it is a sign that I dislike my natal self in some ways that I hadn’t thought of before.

 

A situation happened yesterday which ended up giving me a good ol’ reality check. It left me feeling quite deflated. As a result, once again, I’m questioning my place on the trans rainbow spectrum. It’s not so much that I feel like an imposter, but rather, I feel like an alien.

 

Our oldest daughter is a single mom and her daughter, our granddaughter, is going on seven. They had a special event at her school yesterday; it was Special Person’s Day, where parents or significant others were invited to participate in some out-of-class activities in the last hour with the students. Since our daughter was working, my wife and I were glad to attend in her place and our granddaughter was thrilled to see us.

 

My wife isn’t disabled, but she’s not especially capable of doing physical stuff. So, it was always going to be me holding onto the tug-of-war rope with half a dozen mothers against the kids, just as it was to get in the rock/paper/scissors comp where the loser went to the back of the line and the winner had to sprint madly along the line to mee the next contestant. It was nice to be doing something amongst a group of lovely women, not that they knew that I was emulating them. There was some small talk and a bit of gentle banter with these strangers, and it felt nice; I felt included. Of course, these women were just being good humans and not actually including me as one of them. Not that I expected them to do so.

 

Then we went to the art room and waited outside until the previous group finished up. I became observant during this time, not ogling the ladies amongst the throng at all, but just taking in their hairstyles and clothing choices and the spontaneous, intuitive conversations between them. I started to get a sinking feeling. I was nothing like them, not just in appearance, but in womanly ways. Once inside and assisting the kids, I found it impossible to interact with any of the mothers at all. It’s as if I could see their large pink auras all intermingling, and here was I with my tiny blue (purple at best) aura tied to an anvil and unable to think of myself as anything but an outlier. I almost felt embarrassed to have long hair.

 

It doesn’t matter how womanly I feel inside, or what feminine mannerisms automatically happen, or how I might display myself to keep my inner woman happy – I am missing the naturality of it all. And that's what gave me the feeling of being deflated.

 

Just had to get this off my chest.

 

 

[MaeBe]

24 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

It doesn’t matter how womanly I feel inside, or what feminine mannerisms automatically happen, or how I might display myself to keep my inner woman happy – I am missing the naturality of it all. And that's what gave me the feeling of being deflated.

The behaviors you mention are all socialized, they’re not natal. The women all lived lives where this behavior is expected and they learned. That’s not to say every person aligns with societal “norms” or does it well, this situation was a microcosm. I think I understand where your head is at and I’m confident nothing I wrote is news to you, but look at it this way: do what brings you joy and the rest will follow. At the end it seems like you got in the way of your own joy, the others were including you be it through politeness or acceptance, and only when the Self got in the way did the interaction change.

[Betty K]

52 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

It doesn’t matter how womanly I feel inside, or what feminine mannerisms automatically happen, or how I might display myself to keep my inner woman happy – I am missing the naturality of it all.

I’m not saying that situation will change for you — how could I know? — but I can say it changed for me. I am frequently astonished at how differently I behave since transitioning, how much more relaxed and free and confident I am, and how much of my behaviour seems — to me and to others — genuinely feminine. It can happen.

[Ivy]

47 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

The behaviors you mention are all socialized, they’re not natal. The women all lived lives where this behavior is expected and they learned.

I wanted to say this too.

One thing that is hard for trans women is not having had the girl's socialization growing up.  A lot of the time we just don't know how to act, and that shows.

For myself, sometimes I hold back maybe more than I should out of fear of seeming "creepy."

Acceptance varies.  Some women are quite accepting, others less so.  I usually wait to be invited to participate.  I don't want to push myself on anybody.  

These days I don't have much interaction with men anyway.  Perhaps my seeing men as "other" gets picked up on by women.  I don't know.  I seem to fall back on "it's complicated."  

I think when you understand what women go through in this patriarchal society it helps to understand better.  As trans women, we do get some of this as well, but most of us didn't have to grow up with it.

Over time, and even pre-transition, I've developed a very feminist view of our society.  (Also raising 6 daughters helped a bit.)  But that is a whole other subject.

[Ivy]

I will add,

Sometimes it's just a look of recognition from a woman, say like in a coffeeshop, store, etc. that helps me feel like I do belong.  I don't get that recognition from men anymore - and don't miss it.

[Mirrabooka]

Thank you, ladies.

 

At the time I went from euphoric (my normal state) to not euphoric in an instant, and the lingering thought was one of self-doubt, manifesting itself with the unsolved question that maybe I never really felt like I had the soul of a woman, I just thought I did. I know I'm not the only one to ever feel this way. All part of the ride on this roller coaster I guess.

 

On 5/10/2024 at 11:35 PM, MaeBe said:

The behaviors you mention are all socialized, they’re not natal. The women all lived lives where this behavior is expected and they learned.

Yep, and

On 5/11/2024 at 12:49 AM, Ivy said:

One thing that is hard for trans women is not having had the girl's socialization growing up.  A lot of the time we just don't know how to act, and that shows.

yep. Makes sense now.