Feeling Jealous

[Fox]

I'm feeling jealous of my girlfriend, and her friends.

She's very thin and is as light as a feather, and so are her friends. I feel so unattractive and like she thinks I'm too fat or ugly.

I keep overeating, then looking at the weight scale and starving myself to lose weight.

I can't stop feeling the urge to eat something sugary. I keep going to the school lunchroom impulsively and getting a chocolate muffin. I've been in this habit for so long. It pains me.

My mom tells me "no, your not fat!" and I'm on the overweight percentile. I don't know how to break this cycle, and I'm crying so much because I'm so jealous of my girlfriend and all those people who are the right weight or thin. I'd do anything to be either at the 50th percentile or maybe even underweight. Anything but what I am right now.

And on top of it all I'm feeling self-conscious of my feminine body, and people calling me a girl is hard enough. People at PE always call me fat and I can't keep up with all the guys. It's not fair. I don't know what to do.

[VickySGV]

Good and wonderful human beings come in so many shapes and sizes that it can blow your mind and it does blow out many minds.  You are describing an eating disorder of some type however and need to get some counseling for that as well as your gender issues.  Food can be as bad as alcohol or drugs when we use food to make up for some nastiness WE and no one else sees in our lives.  It is seeing ourselves as the good and wonderful person that I mentioned above first and admitting that we are having problems to ourselves and others, and maybe even a higher power that we can begin to get our lives back in order.  Eating a good healthy diet, which can include treats if we know how to work them in to the more nutritious foods in the right amounts for life.  We need to learn to eat to live and not live to eat.  If your girlfriend and her friends think of you as a friend, even as Trans masculine then they do not see the parts you hate about yourself, and very likely, one of them thinks they are too skinny when in fact both of you are really pretty average and look just fine in your bodies to all the rest.  I would certainly be able to control my Type 2 Diabetes easier if I were a goodly number of pounds less but I have learned to eat to live and with my recovery from alcohol abuse I have learned to love myself and the other stuff is not a real bother any more.  You have to do it on a day (or minute) by day (minute)  basis, but each time you find a reason to love yourself as you are is a winning ticket.  Please, please, please get some counseling with a person who knows both gender issues and issues of feeling self love, and do it today.   Read the stories here of the other people who have dealt with your eating and body image issue and see if you can find the hope and strength they found as they worked their way to self love.

[Ashley0616]

Seeking help would definitely be advisable. Friends should be supportive not hateful. Eating can definitely be hard to overcome. I used to weigh 275 and that was the heaviest I have ever been. Partially because of my meds but also because I was eating because I was bored. Chewing gum helped and mints. I'm now down to 216 and still got a long way to go but progress is key. Starving is not the answer. Breakfast is the most important, lunch should be decent proportion and dinner should be eaten hours before going to bed so your body digests it. I do also go for walks. I'm currently doing 50 minutes and started at 30. I'm slowly increasing to not only help lose weight but also have endurance. I have bad knees and back pain from the military. 

[Fox]

@Ashley0616 My friends are hateful, but sometimes I worry that they do talk about me behind my back, even though most say that's unrealistic. I take risperidone, which my mom says makes me gain weight. It could partially be that, but it might just be my unhealthy eating schedule and choices. I'll try to chew gum and exercise and eating at scheduled times. That sounds like a great idea.

 

@VickySGV I've tried to get counseling, but my therapist hasn't visited in almost two months, and there now just finding me a new therapist, after 5 months of waiting. My mom says I don't need help, and I'm fine, and my mom's stupid boyfriend says it's all just a teenager phase, as well as being a gender nonconforming trans person (I wore a dress today). He's moving in later this month, and I feel really stressed about that, too. 

I guess my girlfriend does feel self-conscious, as they mentioned that they might have BDD, but I never understood why. I was like "why would you feel self-conscious?" even though I didn't say that.

It's really hard to love myself when I've been such a jerk lately. I'm snappy suddenly and I am so petty. But I don't know why. It just happens when I get upset. I guess I like myself when I'm at home, but when I'm at school, horrible things get to me. I looked in the mirror before school feeling confident and happy and loving my body, but when I go to school, I turn into this 'ugly beast' as some people called me in 3rd grade. Now I'm in middle school, going in high school soon, and I'm feeling even worse, knowing that I won't grow any taller (which I hate, because I always wanted to be a tall man) and just keep gaining weight.

I'm scheduled to see a speech therapist to 'change' my voice, and my mom agreed, but for some reason I feel angry, because my mom won't let me go on the T and she'd only agree to something that doesn't work or is only temporary. The doctor says that it does work, but I won't listen to her. She hasn't been helping me. My mom still doesn't talk to me about gender. When I ask her questions, she says "I'll talk to you later about it". She never does.

Sorry for venting.. hehe...

 

 

I'll ask again for counseling, and thank you both for sharing your suggestions. I really appreciate it.

I'm glad to hear so many people care about me. It makes me super happy  

 

Have a great night, everyone.

[Fox]

15 hours ago, Fox said:

@Ashley0616 My friends are hateful, but sometimes I worry that they do talk about me behind my back, even though most say that's unrealistic. I take risperidone, which my mom says makes me gain weight. It could partially be that, but it might just be my unhealthy eating schedule and choices. I'll try to chew gum and exercise and eating at scheduled times. That sounds like a great idea.

 

@VickySGV I've tried to get counseling, but my therapist hasn't visited in almost two months, and there now just finding me a new therapist, after 5 months of waiting. My mom says I don't need help, and I'm fine, and my mom's stupid boyfriend says it's all just a teenager phase, as well as being a gender nonconforming trans person (I wore a dress today). He's moving in later this month, and I feel really stressed about that, too. 

I guess my girlfriend does feel self-conscious, as they mentioned that they might have BDD, but I never understood why. I was like "why would you feel self-conscious?" even though I didn't say that.

It's really hard to love myself when I've been such a jerk lately. I'm snappy suddenly and I am so petty. But I don't know why. It just happens when I get upset. I guess I like myself when I'm at home, but when I'm at school, horrible things get to me. I looked in the mirror before school feeling confident and happy and loving my body, but when I go to school, I turn into this 'ugly beast' as some people called me in 3rd grade. Now I'm in middle school, going in high school soon, and I'm feeling even worse, knowing that I won't grow any taller (which I hate, because I always wanted to be a tall man) and just keep gaining weight.

I'm scheduled to see a speech therapist to 'change' my voice, and my mom agreed, but for some reason I feel angry, because my mom won't let me go on the T and she'd only agree to something that doesn't work or is only temporary. The doctor says that it does work, but I won't listen to her. She hasn't been helping me. My mom still doesn't talk to me about gender. When I ask her questions, she says "I'll talk to you later about it". She never does.

Sorry for venting.. hehe...

 

 

I'll ask again for counseling, and thank you both for sharing your suggestions. I really appreciate it.

I'm glad to hear so many people care about me. It makes me super happy  

 

Have a great night, everyone.

I MEAN-

Are NOT hateful. Sorry.