Isolation

[kira_k]

I've made great progress with being myself. I'm not fully there yet and I know there is a lot more work to be done. I've started to go out wearing the clothes that I feel most comfortable in and accepting who I am more. But I always get a feeling of isolation and loneliness. I've been on many forums and groups and always feel like the outsider - like that scene in the Wednesday series "I never thought it was possible to be an outcast in a school full of outcasts".

 

I find it incredibly hard to make friends and although this seems like a friendly place, I'm still finding it difficult make friends and fit in. I wasn't going to write this here, but I'm not really sure where to talk about it. This on top of me working out my gender issues and how best to work through them is very stressful. What I'm really worried about is dressing in a way that makes me feel comfortable in myself, but isolates me even more. I just needed to write something down because I'm not really sure what to do and how to think about this. I've had therapists say that I bring something to the world and that I shouldn't disregard the need for friendship and love, but increasingly I feel what's the point because I don't make friends, never mind anyone who would love me.

 

I'm sorry that this is such a downer post. I just needed to get an outlet somewhere. I know there are positives, I know I'm doing what makes me happy - the alternative is being even more miserable. But this feeling is hard to deal with.

 

Sorry.

[Charlize]

Thank you for your openness and honesty Kira.  There was a long period of my life when i felt isolated even if i was in a crowd.  I am an addict and while now having 16 years of sobriety it is only opening up and being honest with others the i began to feel part of society.  Reaching out to help others has helped as well.  In recovery i've often heard: " We will love you until you can love yourself".  Transgender Pulse has offered me the same and today i'm a pretty happy camper, enjoying myself and the people who surround me.

You are not alone dear.  

 

 Hugs,

 

Charlize

[AllieJ]

Unfortunately, Isolation is a hallmark of being trans, so many of us have experienced it. For me, ever since I was 3 years old, I had a secret. I feared for my life that someone might find out I needed to be a girl, so I kept my distance from everyone in case they got to know me and figured out I was different. Until I became involved with my second wife in my forties, I had never had a close friend. I don't have any friends from school, or my adult life. My now ex was the only person I let get close to me, and this is why it was so devastating for me when she left a couple of years ago. My lifetime of keeping people away, and probably losing the only one I did, has meant I can never let another person get that close to me.

 

Like many others, I spent the first half of my life thinking there was nobody else like me, so I carried my secret and confusion, and stayed isolated. To make this worse, I was and am asexual, which meant that when all of my peers were out socialising and sowing their seeds, I spent my Saturday nights babysitting. To protect my secret, I refused to ever drink alcohol, lest I lose control and expose my secret. In social settings, that person would does not share the basic interests of others and does not mix with others becomes an outcast. This stifled my social development, and effectively my career development as so much rides on the social drink after work. Because I was never at the bar, they would talk about me in less than kind words.

 

Transition was quite difficult for me, and I found I really needed the support of other people, and where better ton find that than in a group of people with understanding?  I became active on the forums, and as I had no secret to keep, I could open up, and people could share themselves with me. I developed friendships, albeit with people on the other side of the world, but it effectively stopped my isolation. I still don't think I can let another person be as close as my soul mate and ex, but I am in a far better place!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[kira_k]

Thanks both.

@AllieJ I relate to that a lot. I think I've always known at some level that I wasn't a traditional boy. It's taken a while for me to come to terms with it and try and see through all of the hate I've been taught towards anyone who is different. My trouble at the moment is that I'm in my mid 40s, divorced, probably autistic and now dealing with what I do to be happy about myself. I keep thinking I've past that, but I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not. I think I have to accept that although I can go out dress in women's clothes if I want to, I'm still not going to be accepted because I am different.

I'm sorry you both @Charlize @AllieJ have had hard time in the past. It's upsetting to hear that so many trans people and gender non-conforming people have such a hard time. 

 

It also makes me think that I've got so much stacked against me that I'm always going to be alone.

[AllieJ]

14 minutes ago, kira_k said:

Thanks both.

@AllieJ I relate to that a lot. I think I've always known at some level that I wasn't a traditional boy. It's taken a while for me to come to terms with it and try and see through all of the hate I've been taught towards anyone who is different. My trouble at the moment is that I'm in my mid 40s, divorced, probably autistic and now dealing with what I do to be happy about myself. I keep thinking I've past that, but I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not. I think I have to accept that although I can go out dress in women's clothes if I want to, I'm still not going to be accepted because I am different.

I'm sorry you both @Charlize @AllieJ have had hard time in the past. It's upsetting to hear that so many trans people and gender non-conforming people have such a hard time. 

 

It also makes me think that I've got so much stacked against me that I'm always going to be alone.

Kira, you are here, among friends, and more importantly, people who understand where you are coming from. This is a good first step, and things should develop from there. Just remember, most people have a cross to bear, and carry a secret. Opening up to another can definitely lighten the load.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Vidanjali]

@kira_k  I am sorry you're struggling with this. I relate strongly, although I hope it will encourage you to hear that for me it's in the past. Ever since early childhood I had a sense that I was conspicuously anomalous, and in fact detestable. It got so bad by my early 20s that I was practically a shut in. I experienced mental health crisis on a continual basis. In my mid-20s, having hit a bottom, I determined to try to change my life, to try to "fit in" expression-wise (this was way before I understood I'm trans & I erroneously thought conformity might be the solution), but also figure out what "being myself" was personality-wise. For starters, I forced myself to engage in small talk with strangers I'd encounter. I found that to be good practice because the interactions were brief, there was very little at stake, and I learned most small talk revolves around simply acknowledging shared experience and even encouraging one another. I used to loathe small talk, but I actually enjoy it now because each time it's like an affirmation: I can be friendly; my smile can change someone's whole day; anything I'm feeling has also been felt by someone else, therefore I am never alone, and my existence helps others to not feel alone. There's much more to this story, but my point in sharing this is to show that friendliness can be learned. Some people are naturals. For others, it requires tremendous effort. But, if being relieved of that crushing loneliness which seems so pervasive is what you desire, then you can find the will to challenge it, little by little. I can attest to the fact that it's extremely difficult and can be scary and painful. But, the effort is very much worth it. You begin to see glimpses of yourself reflected by other individuals and you will learn a lot about yourself that way. Slowly but surely you will realize the truth that your existence does bless the world. 

[DeeDee]

@kira_k I know the feeling of isolation well. That quote in Wednesday hit hard.  I drive for 3 hrs to get to somewhere safe for me to go out and about as myself, and while I would have loved to connect with an LGBT+ group - there just wasn't one near me.  One of the promises I have made to myself is to find groups that are trans friendly and get back to doing things that I love this year so I can attempt to make some connections.

I will be moving to the Central Belt soon to let me live full time, and I am nowhere near as worried as I used to be about being different, because I do not stand out enough to get noticed, and when I do so far no one has done anymore than give me the side eye.

When it comes to wearing what you like you have to accept that if you have a voice that stands out or a style that is considered eccentric or very bohemian that you will stand out against the 9-5 retail staff unless you work in an area that encourages individuality of style. Remember that most teens experiment to find their style, we have to do it as adults! But as others have said, while you do have to put yourself out there, the right people will like you for who you are and not who you felt you had to be.

[Heather Shay]

@kira_k I see other wonderful people have chimed in and I hope you feel loved and understood.  I personally have been working on isolation for years and am slowly coming to terms and broadening (in more ways than one) and finding more affirming people to help and cherish. 

[Ivy]

I feel pretty isolated most of the time myself.   I do have some family support but they're mostly not local.  I get out some, but while I am friendly, most people seem to have their own thing going on.  And of course I don't really pass so…

 

Most people don't understand being transgender.  And even if they're not hostile it's hard to connect on a more than superficial level.

[kira_k]

2 hours ago, Ivy said:

Most people don't understand being transgender

Yes, I think that is very true. Unfortunately, I have autism to deal with too. A lot of people don't really understand that either.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@kira_k I can definitely identify with a lot of what you seem to be feeling.  I know I'm not the only one here who has been through isolation.  By the time I was in my early to mid 20's, I felt like I had hit a brick wall when it came to making new friends, and dating seemed out of the question.  I kept some friends from high school, but people drift away in their 20's.  The worst was when my sister moved out, and I was still stuck with my parents.  Go to school or work, come home, hide.  It got bad enough I started thinking of suicide. 

 

But!  Things do change!  It started with my sister moving back in, and when I was 26 I met my first GF, and that has led to me being adopted into my forever family.  Of course there were stressful moments along the way, but I feel like my life has been on the upward track for the last few years.  It can be that way for you also.  You can proactively work to make some good things happen, but there are also random good things that can be life-changing.  A big part will be just getting out of the house.  I met my GF in a store when I was trying to be quick in and out.  Sometimes it can be that random, other times you can do something or find somebody intentionally.  You aren't the only introvert or autistic person out there.  You might find friends like yourself, or you might find somebody different and the friendship works great that way.  

 

I'm not sure what your hobbies or interests might be, but that can be a starting point.  Sometimes there are groups for people who enjoy the same thing, and you can find them online and go to activities in person.  For example, since I enjoy soccer I have usually tried to be part of an intramural soccer league.  But there are local groups for artists, gardeners, archery...even a club just for girls who work on diesel pickup trucks.  I'm sure some of these things are available in England. 

 

One activity some people do is volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.  I know they're global, so there may be a project near you.  No construction skills necessary, they'll teach you how to do simple things.  Learn something new, work outdoors (good for mental health), meet people, and do something good for the community in a low-stress environment.  I've gone with my husband to a couple of Habitat builds, and you see all kinds of people there and everybody is really nice.  I worked on landscaping while he did electrical, and there's so much going on simultaneously that you can find something that fits you. 

 

 

[kira_k]

Thank you all. It makes me feel a little better that you have all replied and that I am not alone.

 

@DeeDee Yes I see what you ware saying. I think the "problem" with me is that I'm not trying to pass. It's not my aim and that automatically makes me stand out and a target. I also live in a small village in the middle of what was a group of old mining communities. Me dressing differently is definitely looked down upon. Luckily there are some town centres that are reasonably big where I can sort of just blend in with an odd look here and there. But the isolation feels a lot stronger when you can't be yourself around where you live. It certainly makes the feelings of isolation and feeling unloved stronger.

[kira_k]

@awkward-yet-sweet I have tried getting out there are going to some different groups. I haven't recently, but my experience has always been that there are some nice people, but friendship just doesn't quite happen. I'm awkward and I don't pick up the social stuff. I could just be that I haven't met a group that clicks yet and I should just keep going out there doing stuff I like doing.

It's like here, you are all friendly people and you are willing to talk - I just don't know what to talk about. Maybe I'm too closed off and not talking about what really makes me tick. I just find it hard. I've started this thread and I'm happy that so many people have replied, but that was only out of frustration. I do see what you are saying though. Being closed off is going to bread isolation?

[Davie]

We're here, not necessarily queer, but we're out here. Happy Non-binary Week.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/F0svGlsWcAoCsOY?format=jpg&name=large

[DeeDee]

10 hours ago, kira_k said:

It's not my aim and that automatically makes me stand out and a target. I also live in a small village in the middle of what was a group of old mining communities.

Yep, that'll do it. Have you searched for a trans meetup group near you? In theory they are a good place to meet new folks and maybe make some IRL friends. I would also recommend drama, music, art, D&D or gaming groups if those are things you are interested in. It's been my experience that folk who know what it is like to be seen as different tend to be more welcoming and less judgemental even if they are not quite the same.

[kira_k]

1 hour ago, DeeDee said:

Yep, that'll do it. Have you searched for a trans meetup group near you? In theory they are a good place to meet new folks and maybe make some IRL friends. I would also recommend drama, music, art, D&D or gaming groups if those are things you are interested in. It's been my experience that folk who know what it is like to be seen as different tend to be more welcoming and less judgemental even if they are not quite the same.

 

I've think I've started to realise that groups like that tend to be a bit more welcoming/understand/accepting. I've not looked for anything like that though. I'll have a look to see if there is anything local.

[VickySGV]

On 7/10/2023 at 12:53 AM, kira_k said:

I find it incredibly hard to make friends and although this seems like a friendly place, I'm still finding it difficult make friends and fit in.

 

A therapist I know puts it this way, you will have friends, but they will be friends for a season, friends for a reason, and every now and them one who will be that way for your life, even there not for the length of it, but for its true quality.  On the forums, we do have reason to be your friends, the reasons of our shared life issues of identity, and our own searches for those who can be empathetic and understanding of our somewhat diverse identity needs.  Those of us who do the moderation of the forums make sure that those elements are respected and we try to help when we can be.

[MaybeRob]

@kira_k

 

Thanks for posting this. Social isolation is weighing on me too.

 

hugs

 

MaybeRob

[kira_k]

On 8/1/2023 at 11:16 AM, MaybeRob said:

@kira_k

 

Thanks for posting this. Social isolation is weighing on me too.

 

hugs

 

MaybeRob

 

Sorry to hear this. It's very difficult isn't it.

 

xx