UK male new here

[LucyF]

Hi,

 

So this is my first post and first "conversation" with anyone about this, so please be gentle.

 

I am 43, 2 kids (who I have 50% of the time) and divorced having seperated in 2018. I live with my girlfriend (who I met in 2019) and she has a son, so we have 3 kids between us. She knows I like to wear womens underwear as when she moved in with me, that is all it was. I am now thinking it is more than this and I want to transition to be a female full time, but I am confused.

 

When I was a teenager, I remember my parents got me a book on puberty, and on one page there was a naked man (cartoon) explaining changes to the male body, and the other a naked female, explaining the changes to the female body. I used to go to bed with that book open on that page, hoping, wishing that it would mean that I would magically wake up as a female. I then thought how ideally it would mean that all my clothes would be female, and everyone would know me as a female. I then got a girlfriend (at 15) and thoughts of that went out the window - I put it down to just feeling like an outsider and not liking who I was.

 

When I was 16 I had surgeries on my collarbone, due to a sports injury and  the doctor explained that it would only cause issues if I were to wear a bra and "he doesn't think that would be an issue". I laughed it off, but inside I was dying. Since then I have largely ignored my urges, concentrating on getting the most out of life from Uni, a career and a marriage.

 

All my teenage years (and adult years I suppose) I have naturally thought more "female" (if that makes sense) and attached to females better than males (in personal and professional life). I always thought I was different from everyone else.

 

When my marriage broke up and I had the house to myself, I decided that I was going to live my life for me so I started exploring myself more. Part of this is now being on anti-anxiety tablets full time, and I question if I am autistic. I also explored my  feminine side. I love wearing female underwear. I even purchased breast forms, wore them around the house to see if I enjoyed that and I did. I then felt guilty and purged all female clothing, but kept the breast forms. I now just wear female underwear (having bought more) and wear female underwear most days.

 

But something this week has made me think about my gender. I keep getting these feelings and wanting to be female. If it was just a phase, why do I still get these feelings? I largely try and ignore it as I would be disowned by my family, friends and kids. My current girlfriend is extremely understanding and even let me wear stockings in the bedroom, but I worry I will push her too far and she will ridicule me.

 

I want to purchase more female clothes, shave all my hair off (apart from head hair of course) and dress as a female, but I would not be able to take the public ridicule or the reaction from friends and family. Is it easier to hide who you are and live a lie? I have managed to ignore these feelings for 43 years, so I am sure I can survive until I die without taking it further, but is that enough?

 

I am so confused and not sure where to go from here.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  There is a lot of discussion here on just the items you have mentioned and what you are dealing with is a common scenario for our members.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, @PompeyMale.  Your story will resonate with many members, who have the same doubts and fears.  Those fears can be overcome, but usually only with help from a gender therapist.  I know how difficult it is to access one in the U.K. unless one is well off.  But if you're willing to go through the NHS it can be done.

 

Please make yourself at home here, read lots of threads and participate in discussions as much or as little as you like.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[April Marie]

Hi, and welcome to the forums!! You are asking yourself many of the same questions most of us have asked ourselves at one point or another. Many of us here are "late" to the process having determined we've been ignoring our real selves for years....decades. I'm in my late 60s and just now beginning the process of transitioning to whatever it will ultimately look like for me.

 

Each of us is unique and transition is more of a sliding scale than a fixed point. And, while we can offer our perspectives in answering your questions, ultimately you'll have to find your own answers. Have you considered working with a gender therapist? Most of us found that this was the key to finding our true identities and working through the many questions, fears and doubts.

 

In any case, you'll find many wonderful, caring people here. Look around, ask questions and jump in where you feel comfortable.

[LucyF]

6 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Hi, and welcome to the forums!! You are asking yourself many of the same questions most of us have asked ourselves at one point or another. Many of us here are "late" to the process having determined we've been ignoring our real selves for years....decades. I'm in my late 60s and just now beginning the process of transitioning to whatever it will ultimately look like for me.

 

Each of us is unique and transition is more of a sliding scale than a fixed point. And, while we can offer our perspectives in answering your questions, ultimately you'll have to find your own answers. Have you considered working with a gender therapist? Most of us found that this was the key to finding our true identities and working through the many questions, fears and doubts.

 

In any case, you'll find many wonderful, caring people here. Look around, ask questions and jump in where you feel comfortable.

 

I keep seeing things about a gender therapist, but that would mean telling my girlfriend that I am questioning my gender, as she would wonder what the counselling is for. I am not sure I am ready for that conversation yet? 

[KathyLauren]

Oh, gosh, @PompeyMale, your story is so familiar!  Aside from the kids (I have none), that could be my story.

 

29 minutes ago, PompeyMale said:

I have managed to ignore these feelings for 43 years, so I am sure I can survive until I die without taking it further, but is that enough?

 

Perhaps you can.  I know people who have done it.  But generally, the feelings get stronger and harder to ignore as we age.  I held off until I was 62, and then I had to do something about it.

 

I strongly concur with those who have recommended a gender therapist.  That is the best way to work through these feelings and to plan what you want to do about it.

 

Do stick around, read posts, vent, and ask questions.

[Ivy]

Welcome @PompeyMale

 

1 hour ago, PompeyMale said:

I then got a girlfriend (at 15) and thoughts of that went out the window -

Yeah, that happens.  But it usually comes back eventually.

[April Marie]

2 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

 

I keep seeing things about a gender therapist, but that would mean telling my girlfriend that I am questioning my gender, as she would wonder what the counselling is for. I am not sure I am ready for that conversation yet? 

I understand. I spent decades questioning who I was, suffering the guilt of hiding my thoughts and the way I felt when I wore something feminine. And then the depression set in and grew until I finally gushed my feelings to my wife. That was when I finally sought out a therapist.

 

As I mentioned in my first response, each of us is unique and while there are many similarities to our experiences we all view them through a different lens. Search around the forums - you'll find much info and many perspectives on the feelings and thoughts you're having. Ask questions - and spend time searching your own soul for answers. In the end, no one can answer them but you. For many, if not most of us, it took a trained therapist to help us find the answers. But, what works for us might not for you - or for your current situation.

 

We're all here to help as we can. 

[LucyF]

Thank you all for your kind replys. So much things going around my head right now. 

[Madison_1990]

Definitely welcome to the forum @PompeyMale.  The people here are great and it's so awesome to have a place to discuss your gender issues openly, and without judgement.  You'll find the people on here have gone through so many similar experiences to what we have, so it's delightful to hear from so many people fighting the same issues we are.

 

As for seeing a gender therapist, that's a tough issue if you don't want your girlfriend to know.  Do you think she'd question you having any therapy at all?

 

Just remember you have to look after yourself, first and foremost.

[LucyF]

Are there any stories anywhere of people who have questioned and gone through the journey to change gender? Alternatively, are there any stories of people who have questioned and stayed the same gender? I am aware that everyone's story is different, but it may help me understand more.

 

As for the therapist route, can anyone recommend where to start in (a) finding a therapist and (b) telling the girlfriend?

[Charlize]

19 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

that would mean telling my girlfriend that I am questioning my gender,

I certainly understand that fear.  I wasn't sure wether my marriage would last or if it would be the end.  We recently celebrated our 51st anniversary.  I think it was realizing my issues would never disappear regardless of how many times i purged that got me to therapy.  

You are certainly not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Karen Carey]

Hi PompeyMale.

 

You ask how to start looking for a therapist.  Try the website 'PsychologyToday.com'.  That is where I started in East Anglia.  You will find lots of therapists (not all gender specialists, of course) in your area. I tried a couple of counsellors first, and, although they mentioned gender dysphoria in their description, they were not much use.  Then I found a clinical psychologist specialising in gender matters who has been a tremendous help.  It was early in the pandemic so in-person meetings were not possible - only online video.  I was reluctant to try that, much preferring to meet.  However, I eventually agreed to a video consultation.  It was absolutely fine, so if visiting is a problem, try it. Since last November I have been to in-person consultations, dressed.  They were something else!

 

Good luck.

 

Karen

[LucyF]

1 hour ago, Karen Carey said:

Hi PompeyMale.

 

You ask how to start looking for a therapist.  Try the website 'PsychologyToday.com'.  That is where I started in East Anglia.  You will find lots of therapists (not all gender specialists, of course) in your area. I tried a couple of counsellors first, and, although they mentioned gender dysphoria in their description, they were not much use.  Then I found a clinical psychologist specialising in gender matters who has been a tremendous help.  It was early in the pandemic so in-person meetings were not possible - only online video.  I was reluctant to try that, much preferring to meet.  However, I eventually agreed to a video consultation.  It was absolutely fine, so if visiting is a problem, try it. Since last November I have been to in-person consultations, dressed.  They were something else!

 

Good luck.

 

Karen

 

Thank you, I will definitely look on there. You have been a great help.

[EasyE]

Wow, I see a lot of myself in your story above ... Things started for me with underwear when I was in elementary/middle school. It was a turn-on thing but also more. It just felt "right" when I wore women's underwear. I binged and purged for decades, even after I got married (and thought all those desires would fade away because I was finally with someone)...

 

My wife and I separated awhile back, and like you I had a place (mostly) to myself and so I just let go and explored this part of me. And I realized it was a lot more than underwear. I kind of went wild, and I now own tons of women's clothes -- jeans, shorts, camis, sleepwear, socks, etc. 

 

My life is such a mess because of all of this. My wife and I were on the road to getting back together and this slammed on the brakes big-time. Now she is afraid for me to even be around the kids. She wants no part of this, even me wearing something non-descript like women's khaki shorts (just because they were bought in the women's section)... I go through phases where I want to throw everything out and feel ridiculous. But then that usually passes, and feelings of needing to dress come on even stronger... 

 

Not sure that I have answers for you. Other than to echo what others have said: find a good therapist who can help you be honest with yourself about what is going on. I've tried the transparency route with my family and so far that hasn't worked out so great. But at least I am trying to open and honest. Best wishes

 

Easy

[LucyF]

13 hours ago, EasyE said:

Wow, I see a lot of myself in your story above ... Things started for me with underwear when I was in elementary/middle school. It was a turn-on thing but also more. It just felt "right" when I wore women's underwear. I binged and purged for decades, even after I got married (and thought all those desires would fade away because I was finally with someone)...

 

My wife and I separated awhile back, and like you I had a place (mostly) to myself and so I just let go and explored this part of me. And I realized it was a lot more than underwear. I kind of went wild, and I now own tons of women's clothes -- jeans, shorts, camis, sleepwear, socks, etc. 

 

My life is such a mess because of all of this. My wife and I were on the road to getting back together and this slammed on the brakes big-time. Now she is afraid for me to even be around the kids. She wants no part of this, even me wearing something non-descript like women's khaki shorts (just because they were bought in the women's section)... I go through phases where I want to throw everything out and feel ridiculous. But then that usually passes, and feelings of needing to dress come on even stronger... 

 

Not sure that I have answers for you. Other than to echo what others have said: find a good therapist who can help you be honest with yourself about what is going on. I've tried the transparency route with my family and so far that hasn't worked out so great. But at least I am trying to open and honest. Best wishes

 

Easy

Thank you for your reply, honesty and insight. 

 

My ex and I are divorced and have a good relationship at the moment. I worry about her alienating my kids should I take this further, and I also worry about pushing my kids away. My current girlfriend has been extremely understanding and even talks about her hairdressers partner who is transitioning, but as far as she knows its just underwear at the moment for me.

 

Thing is, since I have had the thought that I want to transition, I have felt more at ease with myself and a lot more "me". On the weekend, I shaved my armpit hairs which is a start and I will see how I go with that. Then I think that maybe its just a phase and I am a fool for risking so much to chase something that I don't really want. I know therapy will help me with this.

 

I also purchase a skirt and put it on which made me feel good, but also sad. I will never be passable I think and part of me worries I am just trying to be something I am not. Maybe I just seek to be a woman as I want more power over my life. I don't know. Again, I know therapy will help with this.

 

Any replys welcome.

[DeeDee]

Hi @PompeyMale, I just wanted to say hi. I'm a little late to your thread but I concur with the online counselling with someone who has a history or specialises in dealing with LGBTQ+ issues. If you read through the blogs or threads you will see people who have shared their journeys (including me here and ironicissues.wordpress.com).

There is no right way of doing anything, but one of the first things I was advised to do was take the fantasy out so I bought female everyday clothing to see how that felt instead of/as well as the underwear.

Given that we've just had Pride month it would have been a good indicator as to whether or not the people you know will be allies. My friends have been amazingly supportive and given me the courage and acceptance I needed to see.

I'm mid 40's and divorced with 2 teenage kids, and it was during the divorce when my egg started to crack. My children know and both support me, but my ex will only find out shortly when I move to an area that lets me be myself full time as she knows too many people who could make life difficult for me in the small village where I am right now. 

 

Get on the NHS waiting list even if you don't know what to do, by the time they get back in touch you will be much clearer in your position, look up a Gender Identity Clinic in your area, or even a trans support group - they will usually not pass judgement on whether you come in boy/girl mode - I wish I had been able to go to one to help remove some of my internalised transphobia.

I read the blog of a woman who will never fully transition and she has a coping system where she attends a monthly group and spends the occasional weekend as herself, and that is what works for her and her wife. No one else can say what is right for you, but from a personal perspective I read up on the statistics for trans people who didn't transition which is a large part of why this site exists, I have also repeatedly told my kids that they are loved just as they are, and not to change who they are for the world, and how could they learn that if I wasn't willing to live it for myself? 

When I realised that literally the only thing stopping me was fear of what other people would say I was able to move forwards. Sorry this is such a long winded response. Good luck with your searching!

[LucyF]

11 minutes ago, DeeDee said:

Hi @PompeyMale, I just wanted to say hi. I'm a little late to your thread but I concur with the online counselling with someone who has a history or specialises in dealing with LGBTQ+ issues. If you read through the blogs or threads you will see people who have shared their journeys (including me here and ironicissues.wordpress.com).

There is no right way of doing anything, but one of the first things I was advised to do was take the fantasy out so I bought female everyday clothing to see how that felt instead of/as well as the underwear.

Given that we've just had Pride month it would have been a good indicator as to whether or not the people you know will be allies. My friends have been amazingly supportive and given me the courage and acceptance I needed to see.

I'm mid 40's and divorced with 2 teenage kids, and it was during the divorce when my egg started to crack. My children know and both support me, but my ex will only find out shortly when I move to an area that lets me be myself full time as she knows too many people who could make life difficult for me in the small village where I am right now. 

 

Get on the NHS waiting list even if you don't know what to do, by the time they get back in touch you will be much clearer in your position, look up a Gender Identity Clinic in your area, or even a trans support group - they will usually not pass judgement on whether you come in boy/girl mode - I wish I had been able to go to one to help remove some of my internalised transphobia.

I read the blog of a woman who will never fully transition and she has a coping system where she attends a monthly group and spends the occasional weekend as herself, and that is what works for her and her wife. No one else can say what is right for you, but from a personal perspective I read up on the statistics for trans people who didn't transition which is a large part of why this site exists, I have also repeatedly told my kids that they are loved just as they are, and not to change who they are for the world, and how could they learn that if I wasn't willing to live it for myself? 

When I realised that literally the only thing stopping me was fear of what other people would say I was able to move forwards. Sorry this is such a long winded response. Good luck with your searching!

Thank you for sharing your blog, I am reading it avidly. Lots for me to do here, very much appreciated!

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, DeeDee said:

I bought female everyday clothing to see how that felt instead of/as well as the underwear.

This seems like a good idea to me as well.   For myself, it was never a "kink" kind of thing, but simply dressing and living as a "normal" woman as much as possible.

[LucyF]

So I went to the shops and purchased some sports bras. I wore one tonight with some breastforms I purchased years ago. I must say it felt amazing. Made me want to do it more.

 

The only thing that it made me realise is that due to previous surgery, I can't actually wear a bra without it giving me pain.

 

Seems like I am doomed to a life of misery. :(

[LucyF]

So I have been searching, reading, researching and doing a lot of soul searching. Here is where I am now:

 

- I definitely enjoy cross-dressing. It is more than a sexual thing though, I enjoy wearing female clothes. It just feels more "me".

- I want to explore more, by wearing more "every day" clothing, growing my nails, shaving more hair off, maybe putting on plain nail varnish and "female" jewelry (that people wont see everyday).

- I need to talk to my girlfriend about my feelings and thoughts. I won't have any answers and I am just as confused as she will be, but being honest (no matter how far it goes) is something I advocate, and lacked in my past relationships. If that means seperation, it wasn't meant to be, but hopefully it will bring us closer and we can face the challenges together.

- I need to (eventually) speak to a therapist and my GP. I am not there yet and am lacking the confidence to do so. But I think it will come to this.

-I can then explore how far this goes. Crossdressing in private? Public? Full time as a women? HRT also? Full surgery? There is no right or wrong answer. I have an urge currently to go the full way and as much surgery as I can afford, but I think that is me being very black and white.

- I also need to think about how to handle any changes (should they go public) on friends / work / family, but they are a secondary concern at the moment - it is my life and I need to work out for myself what that means.

 

I am scared of going down this path and making a mistake.

I am scared of alienating people.

I am scared of losing my career over thing.

 

But it is something I need to explore. I can't bottle the genie up any more.

[Ivy]

8 minutes ago, PompeyMale said:

I can't bottle the genie up any more.

It gets like that

[Ashley0616]

2 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

So I have been searching, reading, researching and doing a lot of soul searching. Here is where I am now:

 

- I definitely enjoy cross-dressing. It is more than a sexual thing though, I enjoy wearing female clothes. It just feels more "me".

- I want to explore more, by wearing more "every day" clothing, growing my nails, shaving more hair off, maybe putting on plain nail varnish and "female" jewelry (that people wont see everyday).

- I need to talk to my girlfriend about my feelings and thoughts. I won't have any answers and I am just as confused as she will be, but being honest (no matter how far it goes) is something I advocate, and lacked in my past relationships. If that means seperation, it wasn't meant to be, but hopefully it will bring us closer and we can face the challenges together.

- I need to (eventually) speak to a therapist and my GP. I am not there yet and am lacking the confidence to do so. But I think it will come to this.

-I can then explore how far this goes. Crossdressing in private? Public? Full time as a women? HRT also? Full surgery? There is no right or wrong answer. I have an urge currently to go the full way and as much surgery as I can afford, but I think that is me being very black and white.

- I also need to think about how to handle any changes (should they go public) on friends / work / family, but they are a secondary concern at the moment - it is my life and I need to work out for myself what that means.

 

I am scared of going down this path and making a mistake.

I am scared of alienating people.

I am scared of losing my career over thing.

 

But it is something I need to explore. I can't bottle the genie up any more.

Well you need to do what makes you happy. You shouldn't worry about what others think. I lost a lot of support when I came out but I guess they didn't truly love me because if they did they would accept me for who I feel like I am. It's exhilarating and takes a lot of courage but when it's all said and done it feels like floating on air. A lot of firsts have to be done and I hope your girlfriend accepts you and maybe would even love to go out in public with you so you can have a guide. I would suggest to start off slow with just cross dressing in private and getting comfortable with that first. Develop your femineity and then go out in the public. Going to the public bathroom is definitely a step to overcome but if you look like you belong in there and get in and get out you will do just fine. HRT has made me feel so much better. I feel more human and have more emotions than before. Surgery is definitely expensive but it'll be worth it. Welcome!

[EasyE]

13 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

So I have been searching, reading, researching and doing a lot of soul searching. Here is where I am now:

 

- I definitely enjoy cross-dressing. It is more than a sexual thing though, I enjoy wearing female clothes. It just feels more "me".

- I want to explore more, by wearing more "every day" clothing, growing my nails, shaving more hair off, maybe putting on plain nail varnish and "female" jewelry (that people wont see everyday).

- I need to talk to my girlfriend about my feelings and thoughts. I won't have any answers and I am just as confused as she will be, but being honest (no matter how far it goes) is something I advocate, and lacked in my past relationships. If that means seperation, it wasn't meant to be, but hopefully it will bring us closer and we can face the challenges together.

- I need to (eventually) speak to a therapist and my GP. I am not there yet and am lacking the confidence to do so. But I think it will come to this.

-I can then explore how far this goes. Crossdressing in private? Public? Full time as a women? HRT also? Full surgery? There is no right or wrong answer. I have an urge currently to go the full way and as much surgery as I can afford, but I think that is me being very black and white.

- I also need to think about how to handle any changes (should they go public) on friends / work / family, but they are a secondary concern at the moment - it is my life and I need to work out for myself what that means.

 

I am scared of going down this path and making a mistake.

I am scared of alienating people.

I am scared of losing my career over thing.

 

But it is something I need to explore. I can't bottle the genie up any more.

It's amazing how much of this thread echoes my life... scared of making a mistake, scared of alienating people (which is already happening), fluctuating between how far to go ... feeling like I am chasing something I can never be, like I am an imposter or something... 

 

Please know, I am pulling for you, @PompeyMale! Looking forward to reading more about your journey...

[LucyF]

On 7/17/2023 at 10:07 AM, DeeDee said:

Get on the NHS waiting list even if you don't know what to do, by the time they get back in touch you will be much clearer in your position, look up a Gender Identity Clinic in your area, or even a trans support group - they will usually not pass judgement on whether you come in boy/girl mode - I wish I had been able to go to one to help remove some of my internalised transphobia.

 

How do I get on the NHS waiting list? No idea where to start. I think the nearest one to me is in London (2 hours away)?