UK male new here

[DeeDee]

Hiya, the scared list changes and things come and go as the only way to stop them being mountains to overcome in your head is often to give it a go. Clear nail varnish is subtle but amazing and between that, black ladies socks with patterns on the sole and plain ladies ankle boots I could do a lot feeling like I was acknowledging my female self while only showing the male part. The paranoia doing any first is real, though reality rarely matches what we've built something to in our heads.  visit https://gic.nhs.uk/  and it gives you advice suitable for your area. Private is quicker, but the NHS gives you time to think, have those important conversations and explore what feels right to you.

[LucyF]

On 7/20/2023 at 11:01 AM, DeeDee said:

Hiya, the scared list changes and things come and go as the only way to stop them being mountains to overcome in your head is often to give it a go. Clear nail varnish is subtle but amazing and between that, black ladies socks with patterns on the sole and plain ladies ankle boots I could do a lot feeling like I was acknowledging my female self while only showing the male part. The paranoia doing any first is real, though reality rarely matches what we've built something to in our heads.  visit https://gic.nhs.uk/  and it gives you advice suitable for your area. Private is quicker, but the NHS gives you time to think, have those important conversations and explore what feels right to you.

 

Thank you! I have downloaded the form there, but I think it also needs completing by a GP?

 

I think I have found a therapist who is local to me and has experience of MtF, they will be ready to go with me from 3rd August. I have yet to say yes to them as I have not told my girlfriend yet. I want to tell her, but there never seems to be a time that is right when we are both relaxed - especially having 3 kids between us. I was going to tell her last night, but she seemed tired out from work. Then I thought about today, but she is busy with lots of different bits. Then I think maybe talk to her when I am more sure?

She is going out tonight, so after I have the kids in bed, I am going to put a bath on, shave my legs and chest, dress up and be me. I have also got some basic makeup which I am going to try out. 

 

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense that I have always felt this way.

 

When I was really young, I remember my parents speaking about someone having a sex change, and I was really intereagued (sp?) about it all as I didn't think that was possible. I also received the transphobia of "they will never be a real woman". 

I also remember wishing that I would be picked to play females in school plays and bits, dressed it up as "it will be a laugh", but I wanted to do this as I would genuinely enjoy it.

I also remember whenever I was playng video games, I longed to play the female characters. 

I remember being more friendly with females than males all throughout my life, naturally.

The more I think about it I just seem to "think female" (if that makes sense).

More recently, I was best man at a Scottish wedding. I was in heaven when he said about us wearing kilts.

I think about getting married and hoping that my friends would put me in a dress for my stag do "for a laugh".

 

I had the analogy earlier like if I had been using my right hand all my life (ie present as a male), thinking this was normal. As soon as I started to use my left hand for everything (ie: be female), it just felt natural. I have always been a "left hander", but society has stated that was abnormal and I should be a right hander. Does that make sense?

 

I think its been opressed through transphobia around me from family and friends, going to an all boys school as well as focussing on being what I have "expected" to be.

 

I want to transition to be a full time female, surgery and all. They say it comes in waves though?

[KathyLauren]

50 minutes ago, PompeyMale said:

I want to tell her, but there never seems to be a time that is right

 

Be careful, as this is how you can procrastinate yourself into a hole.  There is never a perfect time for this sort of thing.  Sooner is better than later.

 

Good luck with the conversation and with the therapist!

[LucyF]

12 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

 

Be careful, as this is how you can procrastinate yourself into a hole.  There is never a perfect time for this sort of thing.  Sooner is better than later.

 

Good luck with the conversation and with the therapist!

 

I am hoping that shaving my legs and chest will prompt her to ask about them and start a conversation.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, PompeyMale said:

I am hoping that shaving my legs and chest will prompt her to ask about them and start a conversation.

I reckon it will…

 

2 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

I think its been opressed through transphobia around me from family and friends

I'm sure it has.  Probably (as in my own case) by your own internal transphobia as well.  I refused to even consider this for years until my life crashed on me.

[LucyF]

So an update from me.

 

Friday my girlfriend went out and I shaved all my hair off and dressed. It felt comfortable, normal, and only reasserted my belief in what I want.

 

So last night, after the kids were in bed, I sat down with my girlfriend and told her how I was feeling, I told her everything.  It was so nerve wracking, but I believe in 100% honesty. She was 100% supportive of me. She encouraged me to dress around the house as it should be my safe space. She encouraged me to see a gender therapist to explore these feelings more. She said that if I fully transition, she will be by my side through it all and she fell in love with the person I am, the physical body doesn't matter to her. 

 

So yeah, I've booked in a gender therapist for early August. I am in Heavan right now.

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, PompeyMale said:

She was 100% supportive of me.

 

YAY!!  Having a supportive partner is pure gold.  I am happy for you.  I am glad to hear that you have an appointm,ent booked with a gender therapist.  I hope that goes well, too.

[Tiffany 838]

Having the support of your partner is a big deal.  The therapist will be great for keeping the communication open and let your thought work themselves out. Good luck with this journey and remember we all are better people when we are our true selves.  
 

[DeeDee]

9 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

I sat down with my girlfriend and told her how I was feeling, I told her everything.  It was so nerve wracking, but I believe in 100% honesty. She was 100% supportive of me.

This is absolutely wonderful! I'm glad the conversation went well for you, and that you will have a safe space to learn to be yourself.

[EasyE]

10 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

I believe in 100% honesty.

This can be a painful step for many of us, because of how others react, but the best and most courageous one... i applaud you for this big time!

[EasyE]

10 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

She said that if I fully transition, she will be by my side through it all and she fell in love with the person I am, the physical body doesn't matter to her. 

 

So yeah, I've booked in a gender therapist for early August. I am in Heavan right now.

And this is what those of us who are married dream about as we explore all of this... congrats!!

 

(As an aside, I love smooth skin and have been shaving most everything for years - just need to find a way to get rid of all the back hair! Arrgg... )

[LucyF]

So my girlfriend and I had a heart to heat last night.

 

Its been a week since I told her how I was feeling. 

 

She has said that initially she was still processing it all and its clear to her from little bits and peices that I want to transition fully. She said the only way she can support me in that case is as a friend. She feels angry at me as we had "paradise" but she understands that I need to be happy.She Loves me still but me not knowing what I want means she's in limbo in the relationship. She doesn't want me to avoid changing just for the sake of us, she wants me to be happy. She doesn't want me to stay and repress things as in 5, 10 years time. resentment will grow and split us up anyway.

 

I did say to her that I am still exploring my feelings on this. I have booked a gender therapist to explore this more and hopefully I can understand myself better. I know in my heart that I need to do what is best for me, but I have honestly never had a relationship like I do with her. It has made me really unsure of myself, my feelings and what I want. Is this a mid life crisis? Am I trying to fit evidence into something, rather then being objective? Is just cross dressing enough for me? If I do want to transition and I am trans, I know we must seperate, but what if I don't want to?

 

So I am feeling a bit miserable right now and really uncertain of the future.

 

First counselling is in 4 days time and can't come soon enough.

[MaybeRob]

@PompeyMale

 

I hope the Gender Therapist can guide you to the best way forward for You! I finally get to see one on 10th August (barring delays). I can say that repression of feelings isn't healthy at all. I have socially isolated myself for the last decade plus and now find it hard to interact with people at all. 

 

hugs

 

MaybeRob

[April Marie]

As hard as it is, I think you are doing the right thing. Honesty and open communication are critical to the success of any relationship and discussing this now is much better than in 5 or 10 years. The questions you're asking are those most of us have faced...and only you can answer in regards to who you are. Talking with the gender therapist will definitely help you find answers. Hang in there. 

[LucyF]

So I got an email from the Therapistyeasterday mornign and said that she could do last night due to late cancellation, so I had my first therapy session yesterday!

 

We talked about pretty much what I have said here, and said where my head is at the moment, ie: I am questioning my gender, but unsure as to where on the spectrum I am. I enjoy wearing female clothing, but not sure if it is more than that or not. I certainly don't have gender dysphoria, I don't hate my body, but I get Euphoria when I wear female clothing. She said I am not the A-typical trans female, as most she have seen say they hate thier body and even knowing all the negatives of transitioning still want to do it to be happy, but that is just not me. Part of me wonders if my mind changed simply because of my girlfriend not approving of transitioning? Will this mean repressing something or am I being true to myself? At the moment I don't think so, but it is a worry.

 

When I came home I told my girlfriend everything and she didn't beleive that I would be happy staying as a man as she saw how happy I was when I wore breast forms (and in her mind, wearing breast forms = I want boobs and to be a female). So now I am feeling pretty crappy and worried about our relationship. She says she still loves me, is still affectionate to me but I fear for the future (having been divorced before).

 

People at work keep asking if I am ok as they can tell I am feeling crappy at the moment, but I just tell them nothing is wrong.

[April Marie]

Congratulations on taking the first step!!! Anyone who's been through the struggles of gender identity knows that it's not easy to begin the process of openly baring one's soul.

 

To me, gender identity isn't one fixed point - you're either male or female, you transition fully or not. The reality is that it is/can be a sliding scale, more like an XY axis with male on one side and female on the other. Success for those of us who find some amount of discomfort on being on one side or the other is to find where on the scale we find comfort, find happiness, find peace. And, the reality is that in many cases there are external factors that complicate making a move to another spot on the scale - family, relationships, career, health.....the list goes on. Some of us find that we have to make a choice on where we need to stop along the scale - perhaps not going as far as we wish we could because of those external factors.

 

I also think that the process of transition is never-ending. As we change, as our lives change we can re-assess where we are and decide to move one way or the other on the sliding scale, left or right, sometimes slowly, sometimes more quickly. But, always learning and adjusting....that's just what life is like for everyone.

 

For me, at my age and place in life, I've come to understand that my transition will be slow and, undoubtedly, less than I would want given no constraints. That's my choice even though I know that dysphoria will be a constant companion. For me, my wife is my joy and I am blessed to have had her acceptance and support. How far that will allow me to move towards the total feminine side of the scale is an unknown, something that I/we explore every day. I've found happiness - not without frustration at times - and have tried to embrace what I have versus what I want. My wife, her happiness and mine, is more important than anything to me so I choose her over everything else. That's MY choice. No one forces me to do that. Only you can decide how much a factor your relationship with your girlfriend will be in your process.

 

Sorry if this has turned into a ramble. You are just beginning the journey and having a therapist there to help guide you as you explore what this all means is superb. Perhaps, just sometimes presenting as female will be enough, especially since you don't face the struggles with dysphoria, and that is OK. No two of us are the same nor are our situations the same. Being at one point on the gender scale makes you no worse or better than someone at another point. Find YOUR happiness, whatever that is. Be unique and celebrate that uniqueness.

 

We are all here for you. Stay strong.

[LucyF]

3 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Congratulations on taking the first step!!! Anyone who's been through the struggles of gender identity knows that it's not easy to begin the process of openly baring one's soul.

 

To me, gender identity isn't one fixed point - you're either male or female, you transition fully or not. The reality is that it is/can be a sliding scale, more like an XY axis with male on one side and female on the other. Success for those of us who find some amount of discomfort on being on one side or the other is to find where on the scale we find comfort, find happiness, find peace. And, the reality is that in many cases there are external factors that complicate making a move to another spot on the scale - family, relationships, career, health.....the list goes on. Some of us find that we have to make a choice on where we need to stop along the scale - perhaps not going as far as we wish we could because of those external factors.

 

I also think that the process of transition is never-ending. As we change, as our lives change we can re-assess where we are and decide to move one way or the other on the sliding scale, left or right, sometimes slowly, sometimes more quickly. But, always learning and adjusting....that's just what life is like for everyone.

 

For me, at my age and place in life, I've come to understand that my transition will be slow and, undoubtedly, less than I would want given no constraints. That's my choice even though I know that dysphoria will be a constant companion. For me, my wife is my joy and I am blessed to have had her acceptance and support. How far that will allow me to move towards the total feminine side of the scale is an unknown, something that I/we explore every day. I've found happiness - not without frustration at times - and have tried to embrace what I have versus what I want. My wife, her happiness and mine, is more important than anything to me so I choose her over everything else. That's MY choice. No one forces me to do that. Only you can decide how much a factor your relationship with your girlfriend will be in your process.

 

Sorry if this has turned into a ramble. You are just beginning the journey and having a therapist there to help guide you as you explore what this all means is superb. Perhaps, just sometimes presenting as female will be enough, especially since you don't face the struggles with dysphoria, and that is OK. No two of us are the same nor are our situations the same. Being at one point on the gender scale makes you no worse or better than someone at another point. Find YOUR happiness, whatever that is. Be unique and celebrate that uniqueness.

 

We are all here for you. Stay strong.

 

Thank you!

 

At the moment, I think the occassional cross dressing will be enough, considering my girlfriends views on it. I adore her, want to marry her and its my choice what I do, but I do it considering all aspects of my life - including her views. I just wish I could presuade her that this is my choice alone to make, and I am making this with my eyes wide open.

 

I suffer from anxiety surrounding relationships generally anyway, which doesn't help. Time will heal I know, but very apprehensive for the future now.

[April Marie]

Having anxiety about the future, especially in the face of gender exploration, seems normal to me. I wish I could tell you that it just magically disappears...but it hasn't for me. I still worry from time to time...but when someone or something is that important in one's life it seems right to worry and focus on keeping things healthy.

[Heather Shay]

I am late to the party but I see you've already met just some of the amazing people here and I see you are in very good hands.

Hugs

[Betty K]

Hi @PompeyMale, I just want to offer another perspective here. Much of your worry seems to centre around two questions: (1) will you be ridiculed or rejected if you publicly affirm your gender, and (2) will you lose your girlfriend? I realise everyone’s experiences are different and your town and family are not mine, but I have been astonished by the positive responses I have received since socially transitioning nine months ago. As a child of the 1970s I never could have imagined people would be so supportive, and that includes everyone from friends to total strangers. As to my ex-wife, she and I are best friends and both agree that our relationship is better than ever. I still adore her as she adores me, but we don’t need to either live together or have sex with each other, and the result is a shared sense of peace that we rarely if ever attained while we were married to each other. Having said that, I am thankful that we broke up before I came out as trans, because I never had to feel that it was my coming out that broke us up. I draw no conclusions from any of this: your journey is your journey, not mine. But I hope you won’t presume bad outcomes if you should decide to publicly affirm your gender in all its complexity. Wonderful things can happen. 🌺
 

 

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

Having said that, I am thankful that we broke up before I came out as trans, because I never had to feel that it was my coming out that broke us up.

My situation is similar.  I resisted looking into my gender issues while we were still married, although I can't say they weren't a subconscious thing.  She was the first person I told, and we are still friends.  Perhaps it explained a lot.

I think in my case, the break-up was necessary to give me the freedom to take a real look at who I was, my own self.

I can't say that it wasn't painful though - it was, very.

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Ivy said:

I think in my case, the break-up was necessary to give me the freedom to take a real look at who I was, my own self.

I can't say that it wasn't painful though - it was, very.

 

Yes, it was painful in my case too. But I'm glad it happened as it did. It was like ripping a band aid off all at once, and within a couple of months I was taking a good look at what was underneath.

[LucyF]

So my gf has now walked out. She clearly was 100% against it, but not honest with me. I am devastated, but having been through heartbreak before I know its a process to go through.

 

I also may have to cancel the counselling too as it's private and too expensive for me. 

 

Apprehensive for the future and not really sure what to do now. 

[Ashley0616]

37 minutes ago, PompeyMale said:

So my gf has now walked out. She clearly was 100% against it, but not honest with me. I am devastated, but having been through heartbreak before I know its a process to go through.

 

I also may have to cancel the counselling too as it's private and too expensive for me. 

 

Apprehensive for the future and not really sure what to do now. 

I understand. I'm going through a divorce myself. She couldn't handle me being trans. It's hard and since then I have tried to put myself back out there only to find more disappointment and heartache. I'm currently talking to a woman but it's only been less than a week and I'm beginning to see red flags already. If this doesn't work out I'm just going to focus on my kids and I. It does feel lonely especially when they are at their Mom's for the weekend and I have nothing to do. I have signed up for a lot of stuff to keep me busy at my church. I'm hoping I can just get over the feeling of wanting someone and enjoy the life of being single. 

[Ivy]

16 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

I have tried to put myself back out there only to find more disappointment and heartache. I'm currently talking to a woman but it's only been less than a week and I'm beginning to see red flags already. If this doesn't work out I'm just going to focus on my kids and I. It does feel lonely especially when they are at their Mom's for the weekend and I have nothing to do. I have signed up for a lot of stuff to keep me busy at my church. I'm hoping I can just get over the feeling of wanting someone and enjoy the life of being single. 

I hesitate to comment here.  

 

I was married for over 40yrs myself, and yeah, I miss the companionship.  But what I want to say is that you are going to have to learn to live in your own self.  You can't base your self identity on other people and be true to yourself.  Yeah it sux, but there it is.

Transitioning is hard, you are redefining everything about yourself.  It's confusing at best.  You're emotionally vulnerable.  But you will have to be secure in who you are your own self before you can be secure with another person.  If you're putting out "needy vibes" you're not going to attract the kind of person you really need.  Take your time. Learn to live who you are, where you are.

Sorry if I'm out of line here, but just some thoughts.