UK male new here

[Susan R]

11 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

So my gf has now walked out. She clearly was 100% against it, but not honest with me. I am devastated, but having been through heartbreak before I know its a process to go through.

@PompeyMale Sorry for the late reply. I’ve just read through this entire thread this evening. It’s heartbreaking but at the same time not an uncommon experience for so many in our community. Initial reactions to one’s ‘coming out’ experience does often change over the course of weeks, months and even years. Your gf may have been honest and sincere with her initial feelings about this. In her mind, she expressed her care and truly wants you to be happy. IMHO, those were real emotions she felt at that time. Of course, there’s little doubt that your gf did some serious thinking about what it all means in the following days after your disclosure.

 

This happened to me with my three daughters. Their initial reactions undoubtedly changed in short order after I came out about being transgender. The first daughter I told went from ‘completely affirming’ to ‘somewhat accepting with conditions’. My next daughter went from ‘overwhelmingly affirming’ to ‘furious and permanently estranged’ with my disclosure in less than a month. And finally, my last daughter went from ‘somewhat accepting’ to ‘completely affirming’ within a week. There are so many direct and indirect variables that went into each of these changing levels of acceptance. There’s a chance at reconnecting after some time has passed and after her initial fears and concerns have subsided. Don’t give up on her yet if this person is someone you would like in your life. You may not get the relationship you once pictured you’d have but it may still be worth pursuing.

 

12 hours ago, PompeyMale said:

I also may have to cancel the counselling too as it's private and too expensive for me.

I can understand this but hope you continue to reach out to someone whether it be a support group or ally of the community. You have a lot going on right now and having a few close friends can make this difficult time easier to get through. I wish you the best moving forward.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

 

[LucyF]

21 minutes ago, Susan R said:

@PompeyMale Sorry for the late reply. I’ve just read through this entire thread this evening. It’s heartbreaking but at the same time not an uncommon experience for so many in our community. Initial reactions to one’s ‘coming out’ experience does often change over the course of weeks, months and even years. Your gf may have been honest and sincere with her initial feelings about this. In her mind, she expressed her care and truly wants you to be happy. IMHO, those were real emotions she felt at that time. Of course, there’s little doubt that your gf did some serious thinking about what it all means in the following days after your disclosure.

 

This happened to me with my three daughters. Their initial reactions undoubtedly changed in short order after I came out about being transgender. The first daughter I told went from ‘completely affirming’ to ‘somewhat accepting with conditions’. My next daughter went from ‘overwhelmingly affirming’ to ‘furious and permanently estranged’ with my disclosure in less than a month. And finally, my last daughter went from ‘somewhat accepting’ to ‘completely affirming’ within a week. There are so many direct and indirect variables that went into each of these changing levels of acceptance. There’s a chance at reconnecting after some time has passed and after her initial fears and concerns have subsided. Don’t give up on her yet if this person is someone you would like in your life. You may not get the relationship you once pictured you’d have but it may still be worth pursuing.

 

I can understand this but hope you continue to reach out to someone whether it be a support group or ally of the community. You have a lot going on right now and having a few close friends can make this difficult time easier to get through. I wish you the best moving forward.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

 

 

 

Thank you. I confided in a close friend last night who is helping me. I told my parents that I was "questioning who I am" (and no more detail), so I do have some support. Having been through divorce before (and been in counselling previously), these feelings are not new to me and I know what to expect. I also think I have put up walls after my divorce so this does hurt a lot less (which is a good and bad thing).

 

I think my (ex?) gf assumes that if you are questioning your gender and you enjoy crossdressing, that makes you gay. I also have shattered an illusion of myself to her, but if she is not willing to work on things, then I can't make her. I can only control myself and how I feel about things. 

 

Thing to me is that this just confuses my questioning feelings even more. Am I leaning towards just cross dressing, simply to appease other people? Am I wanting to say I am trans just as I don't like myself now? Have I started these feelings as I am scared of proper comittment and we were talking about marriage? Am I actually trans but to scared to admit it? I know the counsellor will help with these feelings and my next session is thursday (3 days time), so we will see how that goes.

[Betty K]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

Your gf may have been honest and sincere with her initial feelings about this. In her mind, she expressed her care and truly wants you to be happy. IMHO, those were real emotions she felt at that time.

 

I wanted to say exactly this.

[LucyF]

I don't really want to tell my friends about why we broke up, but given what has happend, what do I tell them as to why we split up? 

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, PompeyMale said:

I don't really want to tell my friends about why we broke up, but given what has happend, what do I tell them as to why we split up? 

Different goals or goals have changed. New personal interest. Fell out of love. 

[Ashley0616]

Lack of communication, began to fight a lot, sexual needs not being met, or just plain needs aren't met, verbal abuse. If you need more I'm sure I can think of more. I have heard a lot. They would literally find any reason break with me if they weren't using me.

[LucyF]

So an update from me.

 

I was out with a friend last Friday. I told him the basics, but didn't mention my questioning. He was supportive. Throughout the night, he once said "if you are gay, I will support you fully". I said I am in no way gay (which is true), but it just confirmed to me that he is indeed a great friend that I can confide in.

 

So we went home (he was staying over at mine), and I told him everything. He said that when were at their house at new year, my ex confided in his wife that she felt taken for granted. He thinks that this questioning (and me being honest) wasn't the issue, but it made her look at the relationship and decided enough is enough and she didn't want to be in a relationship where she was taken for granted anymore. This to me, makes complete sense. However, this is the first I heard about it at all. OK, so I am guilty of taken her for granted, which ties in with me being divorced, I was afraid to get too close in fear of being hurt again, but the fact that the first I hear about it is months down the line from a third party and the fact that she could talk to a third party about her issues, but not me, just shows that we simply could not communicate clearly together. That coupled with the fact that now she has completely cut me off and is trying to move on (from 100% supporting me a couple of weeks ago), goes to show me that I dodged a bullet. She cuts off everyone in her life as soon as things get hard and its one of the fears I had and why I was reluctant to get married. She has little friends and is only close with her mum.

 

So now I am embracing my true self. I have learnt from therapy that I don't have gender dysphoria, but I enjoy cross dressing. I have no desire to change genders, but know a hell of a lot more about the subject and myself. I doubt I will go out in public dressed, for now, its a private thing at home. Hopefully I will find someone that can communicated better with me in the future and find someone that will accept this side of me.

 

So I have good days and bad days, I am trying to keep myself busy and I worry about my kids a lot as she was their in effect step mum for 4.5 years. I worry about being alone forever and I worry about the lack of kinkiness (sex) in my life. But I am taking each day as it comes.

[LucyF]

OK. So update from me.

 

I think the lack of wanting to transition stems from fear of being alone and blaming this on the breakup of my last relationship. To me it is clearly more than just crossdressing for fun. I enjoy presenting as a female, it feels comfortable and it just feels more me. I certainly can't supress the desire to present as a female in public and eventually full time. The fear for me is the social transition and the impact on my kids, my family, friends and my job.

 

So I have now put on an online form to my GP to get a referral to at GIC. Baby steps, but a HUGE one for me. 

 

If I don't who embrace who I am at 44, I never will. 

 

Onwards and upwards.

[Ivy]

47 minutes ago, LillyF said:

So I have now put on an online form to my GP to get a referral to at GIC. Baby steps, but a HUGE one for me. 

Just doing this is a big thing.

I remember how hard it was for me to make the call for my first appointment.

[MaeBe]

1 hour ago, LillyF said:

The fear for me is the social transition and the impact on my kids, my family, friends and my job.

Showing any part of us that falls outside of the cis/het "norm" creates such hard mental math about our lives. I am the same age bracket as you and these are very real thoughts for me, too. "If I am, how do I...?" Right?

 

Doing the work, understanding ourselves, is so hard but I am happy for you that you're forging ahead. Gender care in the British system, I've learned, is no easy path. Hang in there and keep us posted!

[April Marie]

What a wonderful, brave step you're taking!! Congratulations!!!

[LucyF]

Thank you all! 

 

It is so nice embracing who I am. I have a GP appointment for 23rd November, then referral to the GIC. In the mean time I will dress as "me" as much as I can and explore more whenever I can. 

 

I do think the initial reaction of I am just a crossdresser and don't have dysphoria after I split from my ex was just a reaction to that. I didn't want to be alone and wanted to please other people, rather than be me. I am so glad for writing my thoughts on here as it really gives me perspective.

 

At the moment, I am about 80% sure I want to transition fully eventually and I am fully aware that the journey will be hard, but worth it.

 

Any tips welcome, including dealing with doubts when they arise.

[LucyF]

Update from me.

 

So I have booked a MtF makeover for sunday. Hopefully that will give me the confidence to dress as I am in public.

 

Last night I also came out to my closest friends. They were more than supportive and one is coming round tomorrow. The exact words were "It really doesn't matter what gender our friends are, as long as they're happy".

 

I am more sure than ever that I want to transition, it is simply a matter of time. 

 

Time to update my gender on this profile I think...

[MaeBe]

45 minutes ago, LillyF said:

I have booked a MtF makeover for sunday.

Sounds like fun. I hope you have an affirming experience!

[DeeDee]

@LillyF  So glad you had a good experience with your friends, they made the world of difference for me. I realised that I could just be myself and it only deepened every relationship I have.

With the exception of my ex who found out recently,because I was worried about it being weaponised against me but is more mad that I told the kids over a year ago and she can't control that.

Congratulations on putting your name down for the GIC, it took me so long to pluck up the courage to make that phone call!

 

Hope the makeover goes well, just remember that you don't need to look like a glamour model to go to the supermarket - women come in all shapes and sizes. If your friends are happy to help go to Starbucks for your first time out - they have acceptance as a corporate policy and you get to be in public without interacting too much but still have someone use the right name and pronouns to try them on. x

[LucyF]

1 minute ago, DeeDee said:

@LillyF  So glad you had a good experience with your friends, they made the world of difference for me. I realised that I could just be myself and it only deepened every relationship I have.

With the exception of my ex who found out recently,because I was worried about it being weaponised against me but is more mad that I told the kids over a year ago and she can't control that.

Congratulations on putting your name down for the GIC, it took me so long to pluck up the courage to make that phone call!

 

Hope the makeover goes well, just remember that you don't need to look like a glamour model to go to the supermarket - women come in all shapes and sizes. If your friends are happy to help go to Starbucks for your first time out - they have acceptance as a corporate policy and you get to be in public without interacting too much but still have someone use the right name and pronouns to try them on. x

 

Thank you. That was the hope that if I can have friends in my corner, they can help me go out as me more. Hoping the makeover will give me more confidence as well. I have kids, 8 and 11 and I worry about telling my ex in case she stops me seeing them. But I can cross that bridge later.

 

My thinking with the GIC is that the current wait list is 5 years, so the sooner the better. I am also looking into electrolysis.

 

I am still choosing a name though, thats the tough one.

 

L x

[LucyF]

So I did this thing today....

[DeeDee]

Whoop! Whoop! Looking good Lilly, the smile says it all.

[H_G]

Wow!  Where did you go for the makeover?

[Susan R]

On 11/15/2023 at 12:30 AM, LillyF said:

am more sure than ever that I want to transition

I agree with DeeDee. You look spectacular! It looks to me like you’re just about done with transition based on your pics. Nicely done!  

 

Susan R🌷

[LucyF]

1 hour ago, H_G said:

Wow!  Where did you go for the makeover?

It was a place near Southampton called sugar dressing?

[LucyF]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

I agree with DeeDee. You look spectacular! It looks to me like you’re just about done with transition based on your pics. Nicely done!  

 

Susan R🌷

 

I have yet to start! No tablets, no electrolysis, no surgery, nothing.

[bobbbbbi]

Lilly! You look amazing! 🙂

 

I hope all goes well with your appointment tomorrow. It may be helpful to read this page [link], which has some general advice about approaching your GP.

[April Marie]

On 11/19/2023 at 5:59 PM, LillyF said:

So I did this thing today....

Oh, my gosh!!! So beautiful!!! And that smile!!!!!

[LucyF]

So I have just got off the phone from the GP and they have referred me to the GIC.

 

She also stated that they would be more than happy to support me with shared care if i wanted to go private for HRT.

 

So releived.