Hello Everyone

[Donna68]

Hello, everyone, my inner name is Donna Michelle, I'm new to this forum but have been reading a lot of posts from people here and felt encouraged to express myself a little. Few the last 6 months I have been feeling more and more of my inner self that I have hid or really tried to hide from everyone, ever since I was a little kid I felt that I was different I didnt like doing what the other boys did like sports I didnt have many friends and the ones I did were usually into drugs and seemed to be accepting of me, I have been married now for the last 33 years to a very loving and deeply religious lady who I adore so very much but have mostly hid my inner self form her, thru the years she has found out I liked to wear feminine under wear(panties) I used to be able to play dress with her while we were fooling around in bed but she has asked me to stop that when she found out it was a sin and I reluctantly agreed, I get up early in the morning and go out into my detached garage and get dressed up, I go to take the trash while its dark outside sometimes I even go and fill up the car with a coat on to (cover) but knowing It felt so right for me to do this, fast forward 5 or 6 years, my wife is now been diagnosed with 2 brain tumors and she believes she has MS which the doctors havent diagnosed yet but she convinced of it, she has more recently been very confused, forgetful and sleeps alot of the time, I have self medicated with HRT for the last 2 months, I can feel some changes but since I have been on them I have felt more calm about myself and want to go further into my journey, Im planning on talking( coming out to my new VA shrink next month when I meet him for the first time, But I am so torn about coming out to my wife I dont want to lose her she is so much part of my life, she is the only one that convinced me to not end my life after my son was killed by a drunk driver when I was in Afghanistan a dozen years ago. The more she loses herself the it eats me up inside. I just want to be me who I am. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Donna,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. It's good to hear from you. I am very sorry to hear about your spouse. I wish you both the best.

 

Another thing that caught my eye was your mention of self medicating HRT. This is something we discourage, because of the risks involved with unsupervised HRT. One potential danger is the possibility of blood clots. It is very important to be medically monitored while on HRT. Please see a medical professional about obtaining your HRT treatment. We all understand the desire to be our true selves here. But we want to do it safely.

 

Again, welcome to Transpulse. I am happy to meet you.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

[Ashley0616]

Hi Donna,

 

I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry about your spouse. It's nice to see another veteran I went to Iraq three times and deployed three other times. I'm glad you are feeling better. Opening up will make a big difference. You might lose some people but I believe if they truly loved you they would accept you for who you are. If you need someone to talk to just send me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

[Donna68]

Thank you both for replying, I feel so torn but have come to the conclusion that I need help, and Ashley I will need some help with navigating the VA system, what they can do and won't do to help me deal with my inner self and needing to try let her come to the surface. Thanks again D

[April Marie]

Welcome Donna!

 

You'll find lots of wonderful people and information here to help you on your journey to discovery.

 

I am very sorry about your wife's illness. Given what she's going through though, you might want to wait until you've worked with your therapist a bit to understand yourself before adding to her stress level. Just a suggestion.

 

I wish you much luck and joy as you find your true self.

 

 

[Charlize]

  I would love to edit your  post from saying that your:  " wife found out it is a sin"  to saying she: "came to think it is a sin".  My higher power isn't judgmental in that way.

  Please do consider seeing a gender therapist.  Mine helped me immensely to help both my wife and myself  find acceptance.  She also helped me find a good MD to move me safely through HRT and eventual surgery.

  I so remember those nervous, almost terrifying first steps into the world.  

Being here with my sisters and brothers and those in between has helped so much.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[atlantis63]

I love the name Donna Michelle. I see it as a really strong name. Welcome from over here in the UK  

[Donna68]

Thank you all so much, your words of encouragement have given me some peace in my heart, I'm so glad I found this place and the wonderful and accepting people here. Your all the best

[Susan R]

On 10/24/2023 at 3:14 PM, Donna68 said:

she has asked me to stop that when she found out it was a sin and I reluctantly agreed

Welcome @Donna68 It’s nice to have you on our forum. I think you’ll find some helpful support here. I have found it to be a great place over the years.

 

I am so sorry that your spouse came to that conclusion regarding the sin aspect of crossdressing. If your gender identity or core identity is female are you actually cross dressing in the eyes of a higher power? There are many misconceptions as to why transgender individuals dress the way they do. Most are told indirectly and often less subtlety at an early age, “This is the way you need to dress because your a boy (or a girl).” But this is often based on several factors that  aren’t taken into account regarding our true identity and who we really are inside.

 

The sin aspect of crossdressing is a matter of societal opinion, perspective, early childhood indoctrination, religion and other outside forces at a particular time in someone’s life. These can change over time and for many, crossdressing has.

 

Growing up I had the same worries about what I was doing being sinful in the eyes of our creator. I was raised in a very conservative Catholic family and I was taught these same values and opinions. My gender identity was not ever properly addressed as a child so my issues built up until I came to terms with who I was. I know that the clothing I wear today is no longer considered crossdressing as I have taken steps to change my role, presentation, gestures and physical body to match my inner mind and soul.

 

Just know you are not alone in this. Most in our community that have been raised with similar histories have had to make choices about this. I think reaching out for support is one of the best things to be doing at this point. It’s a tough thing to go through alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Donna68]

Thank you so much Susan for your insightful reply, I look forward to exploring my way forward with my therapist and hopefully with my wife at some point in the future.

[Donna68]

Thank you so much Susan for your insightful reply, I look forward to exploring my way forward with my therapist and hopefully with my wife at some point in the future.

[Donna68]

Well, the cats out if the bag so to speak, my wife noticed the clear nail polish I had on my finger nails and cornered me, I felt compelled to come clean with her about everything, it was some very long quiet days and even longer nights awake with questions from her and telling me I had lied to her for the last 33 years, she says she loves and supports me , but does not agree with my wanting to be a woman, she can handle me being a cross dresser only, and has said I can use my garage as a safe place to dress up in. I can also dress up in the house once a month and wear  bra on one of my off days each week. She has also requested I not start hrt or any surgical procedures until after she passes, I told I would abide by her wishes, but want to keep the door open for further expression when/if she can handle it. I told her I would be lying to her if I wasn't disappointed . But I love her

[Heather Shay]

This has most likely been a long journey for you and she is just getting started. Take it very slow and be compassionate. It took nearly 3 years when she finally came along and as I write this I am coming home a high her having gone through surgery and I like you told her after 31 years of marriage 

[Donna68]

Its been a bumpy road, but I think my wife is more accepting now of who I am inside, we talk way more often and I mean really talk, before I was always hiding who I was now I feel so free inside, we kiss way more often and its weird but I feel like were on a second honeymoon together. she knows what I want to be and asks me to be patient with her, I think /Hope she will be ok with me transitioning sooner than later, so I'm trying very hard to be patient myself. I'm still waiting for an appointment with a therapist to start discussing my issues, My wife asked me to work with them before starting HRT and I have agreed. So I have hope now for us and were getting our nails done tomorrow her a manicure and me a pedicure and I get to pick any color I want, lol

thanks for listening and have a great day.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Donna68 said:

we talk way more often and I mean really talk, before I was always hiding who I was now I feel so free inside,

This is good.

Unfortunately, I didn't talk to my wife about this and we parted.  I wish I had been better about it.  Perhaps things would have been different.

I just found this thread.  I'm sorry about your wife's health issues.

[Donna68]

My wife and I are working thru a lot of our issues together, we talk every day, I hold her and she holds me. We both have done a lot of soul searching thru this process of me coming out to her. I am so lucky to have found her and she wants to still be with me. She understands why I wants to transition to be a woman, she says she does not agree with it, but she supports me with wanting to go on hormones and said she would help administer them to me if needed. I love that we hold each other, and I am so in tune with her feelings and that she has noticed a difference in me and my affection for her. just thought I would post an update on how it's going and look forward to our journey forward together. hope everyone else is doing good, thanks for listening and enjoy your day.

Donna

[Ashley0616]

9 minutes ago, Donna68 said:

My wife and I are working thru a lot of our issues together, we talk every day, I hold her and she holds me. We both have done a lot of soul searching thru this process of me coming out to her. I am so lucky to have found her and she wants to still be with me. She understands why I wants to transition to be a woman, she says she does not agree with it, but she supports me with wanting to go on hormones and said she would help administer them to me if needed. I love that we hold each other, and I am so in tune with her feelings and that she has noticed a difference in me and my affection for her. just thought I would post an update on how it's going and look forward to our journey forward together. hope everyone else is doing good, thanks for listening and enjoy your day.

Donna

You are definitely lucky that's for sure. Mine is ending in divorce. I wished she stayed. I guess she only cares about what is attached currently. She pleaded multiple times and I said it has to be done. One day she flat out abandoned me. I have to wait till June 17 to file for divorce under abandonment. Not a single trace of her can be found. Even the IRS can't find her. I see that she didn't update her address because I still get mail with her name on it. The mail person has learned that she doesn't live here anymore and stops putting it in the mailbox. I still see it because I have the USPS email and see what I get in the mail everyday. 

[Donna68]

I'm so sorry Ashley, you seem like a good person who truly cared about her, I wish you happiness and love that you find someone who cares for you for who you are inside not what's on the outside