Coming out to mother

[elizamichellex]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some advice on coming out. After years of denying my own identity, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I’m transgender and I couldn’t be happier. Now comes the tricky part, coming out… Has anyone got any advice on how to come out to my mum? I’m almost certain she would support me but there’s always a doubt in my mind every time I try to come out. I just don’t know how to go about it, don’t think I’ve got the confidence to bring it up in conversation..  

 

Eliza

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Eliza.

 

Congratulations on realizing who you are!

 

I faced the same problem with regard to my wife.  It is hard.  (It took me six months to work up the courage!) 

 

I am not going to tell you it's easy, because it isn't.  I found that, for me, there was only one way to do it, and that was to just do it.  Rehearse the words so you know what you want to say.  Then take a breath and say them.

 

If you just can't say it verbally, you could try writing a letter.  You can give her the letter and wait while she reads it. 

[elizamichellex]

Hi Kathy,

 

Thank you! It feels great to know who I am finally.

 

It definitely isn’t easy unfortunately. I just freeze. I was considering writing a letter but even then I don’t know what to say.. I don’t just want to say I’m trans and that’s it, I want to put a little more detail to help her further understand why I want to transition.

 

Eliza

[AllieJ]

Eliza, how you approach coming out is different for everybody, and only you have an idea how they will react. I have found greater acceptance from those who I made sure they understood that being trans was not something I was choosing, or something to excite me, but it is something we are born with and needs to be addressed at some point in our lives. When we realise we are trans, we slowly also realise there were hints throughout our lives which we didn't recognise, but make sense now. There is a good chance your mum will start to recognise some of these moments too.

 

Managing being trans is challenging, and is something having your mum onside would be a huge advantage. Let her know you would like her to help you through this, and you may get an amazing ally. It takes us months and even years to come to terms with being trans, so give your mum time to digest this, and also come to terms with it.

 

Best luck,

 

Allie 

[VickySGV]

@elizamichellex  Get yourself a good book that you can share with your parent about being Trans and where you fit into the scheme of things. The book I used was one called True Selves by Dr. Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley.  It described Brown's experience as a Gender Therapist and what she had learned about her clients that showed what she had found out about their lives.  It's a few years old (10 or more) but is the stuff to soften ideas of older types. We have other books recommended in several places in the forums.  A simple letter telling your parent that the book explains a difficult subject that you need you parent's support and understanding to deal with makes them a partner and not an opponent.  Your parent did the best they knew how with you, but this book tells them what they did not know but by learning can help both of you.  (Whatever book you choose, that is a good solid opening.)  Be sure you have read the book you choose -- in fact buy copies for both of you -- when you give it to the parent.  There are books also by the parents of Trans Children which make great holiday reading for a happy New Year.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Like others have said, coming out to family is one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have.  But we've all had to do it eventually.  However old you are, parents are often very difficult to tell, b/c they often carry guilt and wonder what they "did wrong."  Of course, they did nothing wrong.

 

When I came out to my wife I told her about my life, in chronological order; when I first felt different, what I did at various stages, and brought things up to present day.  That is just one approach, though; you might find other approaches better suited to you and your parents situations.  I wish you all the best.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Heather Shay]

@elizamichellex I see you've met just some of the amazing people here. Don't have much to add. Best wishes and hugs.

[elizamichellex]

16 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Eliza, how you approach coming out is different for everybody, and only you have an idea how they will react. I have found greater acceptance from those who I made sure they understood that being trans was not something I was choosing, or something to excite me, but it is something we are born with and needs to be addressed at some point in our lives. When we realise we are trans, we slowly also realise there were hints throughout our lives which we didn't recognise, but make sense now. There is a good chance your mum will start to recognise some of these moments too.

 

Managing being trans is challenging, and is something having your mum onside would be a huge advantage. Let her know you would like her to help you through this, and you may get an amazing ally. It takes us months and even years to come to terms with being trans, so give your mum time to digest this, and also come to terms with it.

 

Best luck,

 

Allie 

Thank you Allie, that’s great advice. I think it’s important for me to mention to her how transitioning is going to be essential to my overall happiness. I never really had any signs growing up, I was very straight and very masculine so I just believe this will be a massive shock to her seeing her masculine son become her very feminine daughter overnight. Just want to make sure that I explain to her why I need to do this!

 

Eliza

[AllieJ]

4 hours ago, elizamichellex said:

Thank you Allie, that’s great advice. I think it’s important for me to mention to her how transitioning is going to be essential to my overall happiness. I never really had any signs growing up, I was very straight and very masculine so I just believe this will be a massive shock to her seeing her masculine son become her very feminine daughter overnight. Just want to make sure that I explain to her why I need to do this!

 

Eliza

Eliza, it is much more than your happiness. Research shows our brains are hard wired to have an opposite gender identity, and the conflict causes stress in our lives. If this is not treated, our health will be affected by the chronic stress, and this includes illnesses like depression, lowered immune response, and cardiac disease. I know this because I fought against transition, and suffered all of these. Treatment for conflict (dysphoria) does not bring happiness, it reduces stress. 

 

I have found that if you tell people that you are going to make them uncomfortable (by gender affirming actions) for your happiness, they may grow to resent you. It is important for them to understand that you have a medical condition which has serious consequences if not treated. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[elizamichellex]

24 minutes ago, AllieJ said:

Eliza, it is much more than your happiness. Research shows our brains are hard wired to have an opposite gender identity, and the conflict causes stress in our lives. If this is not treated, our health will be affected by the chronic stress, and this includes illnesses like depression, lowered immune response, and cardiac disease. I know this because I fought against transition, and suffered all of these. Treatment for conflict (dysphoria) does not bring happiness, it reduces stress. 

 

I have found that if you tell people that you are going to make them uncomfortable (by gender affirming actions) for your happiness, they may grow to resent you. It is important for them to understand that you have a medical condition which has serious consequences if not treated. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

That’s very true, I’m not doing this to cause any harm, it’s truly something I need to do to ultimately grow as an individual. It’s taken me a fair few years of questioning and denial to actually accept who I am and take pride in myself. That’s why I want to tell my mum, she’s been fantastic with me all of my life, she deserves to know that I’m trans.

 

Eliza

[DeeDee]

On 11/14/2023 at 11:03 PM, KathyLauren said:

Rehearse the words so you know what you want to say.  Then take a breath and say them.

Yep. This. Nothing for it but to rip off the plaster, don't go overboard with detail, just say your piece and provide more info if requested. I was so sure my mum could go either way I put it off for ages, turns out that while she sometimes asks questions because she'll never be capable of online research, she's actually one of my most vocal supporters even when she knew a couple of her sisters would be against me she waited until I was out and then called them all and said she'd be standing by me and if they didn't like it that was their loss. You really won't know until you sit her down, in the kitchen over a cuppa and find out

[emeraldmountain]

2 hours ago, AllieJ said:

If this is not treated, our health will be affected by the chronic stress, and this includes illnesses like depression, lowered immune response, and cardiac disease. I know this because I fought against transition, and suffered all of these. Treatment for conflict (dysphoria) does not bring happiness, it reduces stress. 

Thank you so much for writing this.

 

2 hours ago, AllieJ said:

It is important for them to understand that you have a medical condition which has serious consequences if not treated. 

Thank you also for saying this. I know it's not a popular opinion with some and it possibly does not apply to all trans/nonbinary people, but I strongly, strongly feel that for many of us this is a medical condition, just as you said. This is how I have explained it to people and I think it helps some people to understand.

[emeraldmountain]

Furthermore, even if people are not comfortable calling it a "medical condition" I have no doubt that gender dysphoria for many of us has it's roots in our biologies, so how can people blame us for having a certain biology? This is as ridiculous as blaming people for being left handed or having a certain skin color (hmmm...sound familiar??? I think I see a historical pattern here...).

 

Yes, there is no definitive proof of gender dysphoria's biological underpinning, but the academic/medical research pointing to this is more than enough for me, as well as the serenity and lifting of the fog I found upon starting HRT (i.e.: my brain loves more estrogen and less testosterone!).