My full story and struggles!

[Raini]

Hello everyone,

 

I hope you all are doing okay. Here is my full story along with struggles and it will be a long story. Thank you for reading.

 

This is my second similar forum I'm part of, so I'm very aware how it all works. I also advise others.

 

I analyze myself a lot and have supportive psychiatrist and psychologist who both know about me being transgender. I have already worked through a lot of my traumas. I have been on depression medication for 3 years. I'm also partially out of closet. My best friend, sister and my aunt and her children know and are all supportive. Only my parents are unaware, but I plan to be out, before my committee time at 2024. The exact date haven't been decided yet. My dad can be phobic, but I'm certain my mom is supportive. I'm 32 and do live with my parents and sister. I'm also attending university. My parents and sister have disabilities and they do need my help and I'm not financially stable yet, but doing my best. I do want to have my own place eventually, because my parents are overprotetive and I want to have romantic experiences too. I tend to get very lonely and feel alienated. Being stuck between two worlds female and male makes me often feel fragmented, because I feel like I should be able to enjoy everything female world has to offer, yet I don't and I can't ever fully enjoy everything male world has to offer either. I feel my dysphoria physically. It feels like inside my chest everything gets tighter (I've been to doctors and it's not my heart and nothing have been ever found wrong). I know it's dysphoria. Also recently I've developed nausea too, when feeling dysphoric. I hate being trans, but have accepted this and my sexuality (I'm bisexual). Life would be so much easier, if I'd be straight female. I struggled a lot with internalized phobias and still am struggling.

 

I have high functioning anxiety, get panic attacks, adhd and body dysmorphia, what makes me see myself as a monster. Not to mention health issues. 

 

My story:

 

I have known I'm different for 25 years, since I was 5 years old. I first figured it all out in kindergarten. I was running to go play and suddenly saw two groups forming: boys and girls. I felt internal conflict, because I was pulled towards boys group (I was playing mostly games that boys played. I never liked dolls too much), but I think it was my instinct telling me that it's not a good idea and after that only thing I remember is how everything gets foggy. I remember getting bullied at school and how I hated the clothes my parents picked out for me. And spending most of my childhood in hospitals and missing out on things and getting behind on schoolwork. Lots of years later I remember seeing my reflection on the store window and not liking what I saw, but I never analyzed my feelings then. My hobby was reading boys love manga and watching anime (it's part of my story too) Again time moves forward. I had an outing with coursemates and our teacher was with us. We got to try on Victorian era clothing. I was wearing a beautiful dress, yet I was feeling upset not only because there was drama, but my teacher got to wear male clothes and I was jealous, because she looked like a prince.

Time moves forward. My dad asked me whether or not I'm a lesbian, just because I hanged out with my female friends, then I started noticing it all a lot more and was struggling with internalized homophobia. I was reading a lot of boys love manga though and this didn't cause being uncomfortable. One day while reading boys love manga and being all comfortable my thoughts wandered to thinking how it would be like being in a mans body. At this point all I knew about transgender people was that there are people who change their gender, but didn't know the reasons behind it. At my 30th birthday I was like always reading manga and my thoughts wandered at the same path again, but this time it changed into how it would be like if I was in the mans body and then it changed into what if I was a man. Then I dropped everything I was doing. I was thinking what kind of riddiculous thought is this. There is no way I can be a man. It all made me have high functioning anxiety. I felt that I was trembling inside and I was crying. When needing to go out of my room I saw myself from a mirror. I saw how my eyes looked back at me in sorrow, but this body wasn't mine. It was creepily smiling back at me. I went online to find answers. I remember googling not feeling like I'm in the right body and came across another forum, what really saved me. I saw the definition like transgender, transgender male and it all just felt correct. When I imagined myself as a male for the first time I experienced euphoria. It was like all the fog dissappeared and the clouds lifted and I saw all the colours, rainbow and flowers again. It was an amazing feeling. I started to chase euphoric feelings, because it made me feel happy, but also sad, since it felt like I've never really experienced happiness before. I didn't have strong dislike to my body parts before or really knew how dysphoria is supposed to feel like. Only thing I really liked about myself are my hair and developing possible baldness, like my dad have after starting T, did cause me distress. The biggest cause for my dysphoria are my breasts. I also dislike my feminine voice. It made me have a panic attack. I once imagined myself as an old woman, back when I tried out being gender neutral and this also caused me to have an panic attack. So I really have no other choice than to transition. I'm afraid that my dysphoria can cause me becoming disabled, if I don't deal with it. 

 

So this was my story. I'm happy to answer any questions. Thank you for reading this long text. Hugs 

 

Raini

[Heather Shay]

So glad you are here. I can relate to your story and know you will make many new friends here.

Hugs

[Raini]

12 minutes ago, Heather Shay said:

So glad you are here. I can relate to your story and know you will make many new friends here.

Hugs

 

Thank you. I'm happy you can relate. It feels a bit like validation and though I know who I am there is still this conflict within me. There is this imposter syndrome.

[Vidanjali]

@Raini thanks for sharing your story. I can relate a lot although I'm not a transman.

 

I was also assigned female at birth and socialized as a girl. I always felt like a freak who didn't fit into this world and I was very ashamed and suffered grave mental illness. I assumed compulsory straightness and in my teen years and 20s wished I were a lesbian because girls liked me, I had gentlemanly manners with them, and many assumed I was a lesbian. It made me feel worse because I wasn't fitting into the "norm" nor did I seem to fit into the fringe as I saw it. I had heard of transwomen when I was young, although that's not what it was called back then. I had no idea that those born with female bodies could experience something analogous, let alone any idea that you don't have to be a binary gender. 

 

In 2019 despite my long efforts to have a "normal" straight woman's life, I felt like anxiety, etc. was killing me. I told my husband I had to let go of the identity of a broken person who needed fixing (we obviously had a lot of issues with our relationship especially concerning sex). Long story, short, I rapidly discovered that asexual and trans nonbinary are things and that that was what I had been all along.

 

It's been quite a journey since then. I still struggle with anxiety, but it's like several onion layers were peeled off after discovering who I am as a person and allowing myself to be myself naturally instead of struggling with all the masks I had been wearing to hide all the shame. Mercifully, my marriage is going well - it was not an easy road.

 

It's a blessing to gather insight into who you are, regardless of circumstances. There's a core of self-assuredness that underlies all fears and frustrations which allows you to develop a good friendship with yourself instead of beating yourself up. You're doing the right things for yourself. Change can be slow, but progress is inevitable. 

[Raini]

11 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

@Raini thanks for sharing your story. I can relate a lot although I'm not a transman.

 

I was also assigned female at birth and socialized as a girl. I always felt like a freak who didn't fit into this world and I was very ashamed and suffered grave mental illness. I assumed compulsory straightness and in my teen years and 20s wished I were a lesbian because girls liked me, I had gentlemanly manners with them, and many assumed I was a lesbian. It made me feel worse because I wasn't fitting into the "norm" nor did I seem to fit into the fringe as I saw it. I had heard of transwomen when I was young, although that's not what it was called back then. I had no idea that those born with female bodies could experience something analogous, let alone any idea that you don't have to be a binary gender. 

 

In 2019 despite my long efforts to have a "normal" straight woman's life, I felt like anxiety, etc. was killing me. I told my husband I had to let go of the identity of a broken person who needed fixing (we obviously had a lot of issues with our relationship especially concerning sex). Long story, short, I rapidly discovered that asexual and trans nonbinary are things and that that was what I had been all along.

 

It's been quite a journey since then. I still struggle with anxiety, but it's like several onion layers were peeled off after discovering who I am as a person and allowing myself to be myself naturally instead of struggling with all the masks I had been wearing to hide all the shame. Mercifully, my marriage is going well - it was not an easy road.

 

It's a blessing to gather insight into who you are, regardless of circumstances. There's a core of self-assuredness that underlies all fears and frustrations which allows you to develop a good friendship with yourself instead of beating yourself up. You're doing the right things for yourself. Change can be slow, but progress is inevitable. 

 

Thank you for sharing. Hugs. I'm glad your marriage is safe. I can imagine how hard it can be, especially if you have a partner. I guess I'm lucky that I never got married or have had a partner, but I do wish for this experience, yet I know it's not meant for me.

 

When I was doubting I thought or hoped I would be a butch lesbian, because I do like women as well. At the same time I figured out I was transgender I started questioning my sexuality and it all was really overwhelming, but thankfully I figured it all out. I just wish I wouldn't hate it all so much. I went through a lot of labels and it changed often. I needed to put a name to it all. I felt I wasn't allowed to use bisexual label and used polysexual instead for a while, though their descriptions are almost same.

 

I have learned a lot within 3 years and that person back then don't exist anymore.

 

My body often felt like I was in prison and there was this wall what I couldn't break, but now this wall is getting weaker and weaker.

 

 

[Vidanjali]

2 hours ago, Raini said:

I guess I'm lucky that I never got married or have had a partner, but I do wish for this experience, yet I know it's not meant for me.

 

If that's what you desire, be open to it happening. I got married at age 40 & before that was terminally single, lol. So, you just never know. 

 

2 hours ago, Raini said:

I just wish I wouldn't hate it all so much.

 

I wish you wouldn't too! Likewise, if that's what you desire, your efforts at working on it will be successful. One must be patient because change can be very slow, but you're growing as a person all the time. 

 

2 hours ago, Raini said:

I have learned a lot within 3 years and that person back then don't exist anymore.

 

My body often felt like I was in prison and there was this wall what I couldn't break, but now this wall is getting weaker and weaker.

 

Just see how far you've come. Do not despair. Much love. 

[Raini]

15 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

 

If that's what you desire, be open to it happening. I got married at age 40 & before that was terminally single, lol. So, you just never know. 

 

 

I wish you wouldn't too! Likewise, if that's what you desire, your efforts at working on it will be successful. One must be patient because change can be very slow, but you're growing as a person all the time. 

 

 

Just see how far you've come. Do not despair. Much love. 

 

Thank you very much. I tend to be overly negative, so I miss sometimes the good things and don't see past the negativity.

[Susan R]

On 11/23/2023 at 4:06 AM, Raini said:

When I imagined myself as a male for the first time I experienced euphoria. It was like all the fog dissappeared and the clouds lifted and I saw all the colours, rainbow and flowers again. It was an amazing feeling.

Hi @Raini, Welcome to our forum. The euphoria you experienced sounds very close to the same euphoric experience I had in my early 20’s. The first time I presented female in public on the way to a TV/TS support group (transgender community). I had never before felt as free as in that first moment when I got out of the car and walked one block into the building. I knew then that all the unusual feelings and desires I had my entire life were more than just a passing phase that would eventually end on their own. I knew I was starting a new journey. It took awhile to finally accept it fully and make the changes to finally allow myself more of those moments. Like many of us on this journey, we have to soul search, research and get outside help (therapy) to allow us to see our true selves and hopefully realize some of the wonderful possibilities we can experience. I’m sure you’ll experience many more of these moments in your future.

 

I’m glad you found us and thank you for sharing some of your backstory with us. I hope to read even more about your journey, in time, if you so desire.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷 

[Raini]

14 minutes ago, Susan R said:

Hi @Raini, Welcome to our forum. The euphoria you experienced sounds very close to the same euphoric experience I had in my early 20’s. The first time I presented female in public on the way to a TV/TS support group (transgender community). I had never before felt as free as in that first moment when I got out of the car and walked one block into the building. I knew then that all the unusual feelings and desires I had my entire life were more than just a passing phase that would eventually end on their own. I knew I was starting a new journey. It took awhile to finally accept it fully and make the changes to finally allow myself more of those moments. Like many of us on this journey, we have to soul search, research and get outside help (therapy) to allow us to see our true selves and hopefully realize some of the wonderful possibilities we can experience. I’m sure you’ll experience many more of these moments in your future.

 

I’m glad you found us and thank you for sharing some of your backstory with us. I hope to read even more about your journey, in time, if you so desire.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷 

Hi Susan,

 

thank you very much. I haven't yet had the chance to present myself in public. Most of the time I'm presenting myself as female, what causes most awful dysphoria, what I feel physically and to the point of getting nausea. I'm nervous, yet exited to start T soon. I just don't know how my parents react.

 

I will be almost in my second year of uni, when I will be on T and this is another thing that causes so much anxiety.