Ashley's Life from Start to Present

[Ashley0616]

For the most of us we would wear the opposite gender's clothes. I started wearing my sister's clothes and my mom's corset at age 7 back in 1991 of course when they weren't there. I knew they wouldn't support me if I told them how I felt. I didn't know any transgender terminology. At the time I had a make-believe friend named Ashley because I already loved that name. I would pray to God to please make me a girl. I created a fake front. Back then Dallas Cowboys were unstoppable and so was the Chicago Bulls, so I told them who I was fans with. At that time, I honestly didn't like football, but basketball was fun. I only told them I liked football to please my dad because he watched all the time. He also played football in school. Back then I didn't know how to act around kids because I lived in the country with no one to play with. 

 

When I was a teenager, I was in denial because I didn't want to get caught. I was cutting myself with a shaving razor and would take swigs of Smirnoff Vodka. I wasn't really a social butterfly then. I guess you could say I was partial goth. I did play 6th grade basketball. I was decent at it. 

 

After graduation of high school, I joined the Air Force because I already wanted to, and I felt it was my duty to serve especially after 9/11. I of course couldn't come out because they would just kick me out. My first duty station I couldn't live how I felt because they would do dorm inspections randomly and I was always picked because I was on the first floor. When I would get to my second base, I was able to live off base, back on March 27th, 2007. I purchased a white Cami and long brown skirt. I would wear that, and watch Charmed my favorite character was Piper. I started dating my first wife and went back into denial. The same happened with the second wife. Got divorced and started dressing up again. I went back into denial again because I felt like God won't like me. I went through a lot of bad relationships, and I didn't tell them I was trans. They didn't break up with me because they never found out.

 

It finally came out when I started to accept myself for who I truly was and started on April 14th, 2023, my wife knew that I loved wearing women's clothes, but I didn't tell her I was trans which I should've told her before we got married. At the time I was sort of happy just being a femboy. I posted a picture of me in a prom dress online on a group's page thinking it was private. April 16 My wife at the time put me in a black sleeveless dress. She also put make up on. When she was done, and I found out how beautiful I felt. I was on cloud 9 and thinking how much more I felt connected to my inner self. April 17th, 2023, my second oldest sister confronted me by Facebook and asked what is going on. I told her I was trans, and she said she needed more time. After that I sent a group message to family. I got nothing but hatred. I changed my information on Facebook and went from having 145 friends to just 35 most were some called family. My oldest son took a few times to explain what is going on. The youngest is only three so he of course he won't understand. 

 

My third wife asked if I was serious about being trans. I said yes and she said she had to think. Well, it wasn't much thinking because she would say she is okay with it and then she would say we need to get a divorce. We slept in different beds. She went to an apartment and didn't tell me anything. Back in January, I let her have a car since I had two. She never treated it right. One night she just took off without a notice. She said would make payments from the joint checking account and get insurance in her name. June 16, 2023, my birthday, she played games with me by saying she wanted to get back together I was so excited that I told family. 30 minutes later she broke it off. Three months went by with no payment or insurance. I had the car towed to my house and got a key cut. We agreed to first get an annulment and then a couple of weeks she threatened to bring a lawyer, so I got one myself. She is now in an unknown location, and it will probably delay the process. June 2024 I will be able to file for a divorce under abandonment. July, I started to feel the effects of HRT. I felt happier. I still had moments of outbursts. A couple of months later my doses increased. I felt more peaceful. I saw my endocrinologist November 28th, 2023, I was discouraged when I was on the scale and saw 242.2. I gained 30 pounds. I was at 216 but what also happened during the weight gain was doses increased with a mental health drug called Divalproex and a side effect is rapid weight gain. My Ozempic was increased from 1 MG to 2 MG. First injection for that will be Friday. I guess that is it for now. Take care and trust the process it will come in time. 

[Mmindy]

Hugs Ashley, I'm following and thank you for sharing.

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, Mmindy said:

Hugs Ashley, I'm following and thank you for sharing.

Thank you!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Quite a story, although I'm sure that's the Cliffs Notes version.  Hopefully writing it out helps you take stock of how life has gone so far.  You're definitely not alone in what you've been through!

[Ashley0616]

2 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Quite a story, although I'm sure that's the Cliffs Notes version.  Hopefully writing it out helps you take stock of how life has gone so far.  You're definitely not alone in what you've been through!

Oh yes I left out a couple of suicidal attempts and psych ward trips and in patient as well. I'm sure I'm missing more stuff. 

[Birdie]

I also had self destructive thoughts and actions, I understand. Just remember that you are not alone. We are all here together!

[Ashley0616]

1 minute ago, Birdie said:

I also had self destructive thoughts and actions, I understand. Just remember that you are not alone. We are all here together!

Thank you!

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

Take care and trust the process it will come in time. 

Thank you for sharing, Ashley.  I know it's not easy but it helps others to hear our stories, and mostly it helps you/us to tell them. 

[Ashley0616]

23 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thank you for sharing, Ashley.  I know it's not easy but it helps others to hear our stories, and mostly it helps you/us to tell them. 

Thank you!

[MaeBe]

Ashley,

 

Thank you so much for putting yourself out there for us to share with you. It's wonderful getting to know people more and it is very brave of you to share the hard things along with the good. I'll be keeping an eye on your journey!

 

💜Mae

[Ashley0616]

5 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Ashley,

 

Thank you so much for putting yourself out there for us to share with you. It's wonderful getting to know people more and it is very brave of you to share the hard things along with the good. I'll be keeping an eye on your journey!

 

💜Mae

Thank you 

[Alessia]

Hey Ashley, thanks for sharing this with us. Some of the events you described did I already know but I just want to make sure that you know you are a very nice and kind person and I also hope writing all down could help you get rid of negative thoughts.

 

ps. I liked Phoebe the most

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, Alessia said:

Hey Ashley, thanks for sharing this with us. Some of the events you described did I already know but I just want to make sure that you know you are a very nice and kind person and I also hope writing all down could help you get rid of negative thoughts.

 

ps. I liked Phoebe the most

Thank you! She was another great one! I can relate to her most because she always liked to go shopping. 

[Ashley0616]

Apart of me is still wanting to deny what I am. I'm getting closer to accepting but I don't know if it's because I have lived a lie for so long. I know that I have gender dysphoria without a doubt. The support from my family is still the same. I want to cry so hard because of all the support I have lost from friends and almost everyone in my family. I might have 10 family members for support and that's it. Only five checks on me every once in a while. I don't know why I can't just cry. Is it because of war? Is it because of the other things that I have been exposed to? Am I dead inside? I have more questions than answers to the point where I don't even know where to start. I have had to block many men because apparently, they think I'm secretly telling them to try harder and I have repeated my intentions over and over again. I don't know if Instagram is right for me anymore. It was fun to take selfies and share them to the world and it made me happy. I have put in my bio that I'm trans and no one reads it. I think after they find out what I am they try harder. I definitely don't want to date someone because they have an infatuation that I'm trans. My goal at losing weight is getting a little better. Divalproex is a psych med that has weight gain as a side effect. I was told to take only two 800 MG pills versus four. My mental health doctor is going to drop to medications and I'm only getting on one different one. I'm glad that I can drop one once my new medication gets here. I have lost three pounds a few days ago. I was thinking it was just water weight, but it has stayed off. It would be nice to lose weight normally then I could eat what I wanted instead of eating my new stomach diet from bariatric surgery. I still have a long way to go but a few pounds are a nice little breather. Sickness is constantly switching between my two boys and I. Jett had a little fever yesterday and has thrown up two days now. I'm hoping he's done. I have sanitized the house again. I found out that my older son will need braces when he turns 9. I guess it's better to get it done at that age instead of older. My moods are changing way too much. I think I'm going through menopause. It could also be the reason also why I was gaining weight. I did some research and there are supplements that are used with HRT, and it balances things out. I'm desperate on trying to lose the weight. I want to get SRS ASAP! I don't want to have to wait when the time finally does come. The VA from what I have heard is still working things out for trans surgeries. It has been going on since 2021. I have also found out that not every veteran whose trans will meet their criteria. I guess it's just another way for them to save money. They still go back and forth on if I'm bipolar and I have already told them that my moods change every two to three days. Sometimes HRT helps but there are times where it seems almost out of control. I'm hoping that the new medication will also help with this. Life would be so much simpler if it was just gender dysphoria. I could put all my focus on that instead of all the other disorders I have. My vertigo has gotten really bad to the point where I have three to four episodes a day. I take Meclizine like Tic Tacs. I don't know what the cause is. It has been going on for the past two weeks of it being so bad. 

[Mmindy]

Hugs for you Ashley,

 

You do have your hands full as a single parent, then add in cycles of the flu, common cold, and other childhood responsibilities. I can see how you're overwhelmed and that doesn't even take into the fact that you're dealing with the VA for everything else. 

[April Marie]

I know it can all seem so overwhelming, Ashley. I don't remember if you have been working with a therapist through the VA. Did they provide a gender therapist for you?

 

Hang in there. Make short term goals, if you can, instead of looking at the goal post. One day. 2 pounds. Something attainable. And then mentally celebrate the wins. Focusing on the goal posts causes you to miss the good stuff that happens in between,

 

And, remember that you always have the love and support of people here on TGP. 

[Ashley0616]

22 minutes ago, April Marie said:

I know it can all seem so overwhelming, Ashley. I don't remember if you have been working with a therapist through the VA. Did they provide a gender therapist for you?

 

Hang in there. Make short term goals, if you can, instead of looking at the goal post. One day. 2 pounds. Something attainable. And then mentally celebrate the wins. Focusing on the goal posts causes you to miss the good stuff that happens in between,

 

And, remember that you always have the love and support of people here on TGP. 

I have a therapist who is also a no gender conforming. She does great and is the best one out of the other 14 therapists that I have had. It does help but there have been plenty of times where it doesn't, and it leads to really bad depression. I just hope this time I will be able to actually keep it off and it doesn't come back. I'm eating two or three cans of vegetables and having protein by chicken or tuna and sometimes turkey. Another thing that sucks is my breast size seems like it's not as big. It would be nice if the weight came off the belly first than lose some their. I guess it could all be mental too. I would love for it to be everywhere else except the stomach. Maybe when I'm in my second year of HRT it will distribute to where it should go. I still have five more months of the first year to go still so I know more changes will come. 

[MaeBe]

Congrats on the weight loss! Like April Marie said, short term wins turn into long term goals!

 

Hang in there, Ash!

 

💜Mae

[LC]

Ashley, you are doing great! Just take it a day at a time and remember, we are all here for you.

[Ashley0616]

Well, I just got off the phone with the therapist and they gave me their email to communicate more. We easily go through an hour on how things are going. She has seen how stressed out I have been and that was the big topic. My ex that I had with the kids only wants them for four hours on Wednesday and Thursday. Saturday 4-Sunday 8PM. Even during that time, the kids don't want to go to her. They want to stay with me. I love my kids, but I need some me time and it has affected my blood pressure. I don't want to see the kids get hurt either. I want them to know that I will always be there for them. I have just about given up red meat. I couldn't even remember the last time I had it. I have been trying to live a healthier life. My A1C is still at a 7. I'm almost maxed out on Ozempic. I'm a 2 MG the highest is 2.4 that you can get. I'm hoping that the VA will give me real insulin. 

[MaeBe]

2 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

I just got off the phone with the therapist and they gave me their email to communicate more

That's great, Ashley! I am happy they are making themselves available to you.

 

Everyone needs some down time, even loving single parents. Is there anyone you'd feel comfortable with asking for a night off? So you can go out and just do you?

[Ashley0616]

39 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

That's great, Ashley! I am happy they are making themselves available to you.

 

Everyone needs some down time, even loving single parents. Is there anyone you'd feel comfortable with asking for a night off? So you can go out and just do you?

My ex gets them from Saturday 4 PM to Sunday 8PM and Wednesday and Thursday from 4 PM to 8 PM. I don't have anyone to trust around my kids other than that little break. I LOVE sleep. The only time my responsibilities go away but even then I get woken up for various reasons. I want to go out to bar for a night but I'm afraid of crowds. One of the many things the military has given me. Maybe one day I'll get the courage to go if I can stay up. I'm not a night owl. 

[Ashley0616]

Thank you @MaeBe

 

@LC

[MaeBe]

4 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

Maybe one day I'll get the courage to go if I can stay up.

Plan for it. Make it a goal. Make it something to look forward to.

 

How old are your children?

 

I don't know how you can find someone you trust to care for your kiddos for a night. Do you have a friend with a teenager who could babysit?

[Ashley0616]

3 and 7. I don't trust anyone other than my ex. I would worry all the time and it wouldn't it be a fun time. Even then I worry about them around her. She gave my son wine at 7 years old! I reported it to the police and to CPS and they did nothing! I figure if I can make it for another 7 years then Bentley can watch Jett. I have an Aunt down here but she has grandkids to take care of. I rely on her too much as it is. I do my best to not bother her. My youngest sister was down here but she moved up north Mississippi. We used to take turns watching kids but not anymore. Well time to go back and spend time with the kids. I'm afraid my oldest feels like I don't spend enough time with him but he does go to school so it takes up a lot.