Ashley's Life from Start to Present

[MaeBe]

5 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

I'm no longer expecting a relationship because I tell them what is wrong with me because I don't want them to be surprised about anything and they always ghost me. Oh well.

That's the hard part of online relationships, they really never get to see the whole you. You either have to create a persona that will carry the day until they get to see you for who you are, or be open and take the risk because it's really easy for them to disconnect because there is little to no bond.

 

You have to share pictures of your puppy! I am not a dog person, but I can appreciate them in jpg format! My kiddos would love to have a pet, but we're all allergic in some shape or form and my wife and I are like, "no." :D

[Ashley0616]

17 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

That's the hard part of online relationships, they really never get to see the whole you. You either have to create a persona that will carry the day until they get to see you for who you are, or be open and take the risk because it's really easy for them to disconnect because there is little to no bond.

 

You have to share pictures of your puppy! I am not a dog person, but I can appreciate them in jpg format! My kiddos would love to have a pet, but we're all allergic in some shape or form and my wife and I are like, "no." :D

 

[MaeBe]

Love the look! "What are you doing with that shiny thing!?"

[Ashley0616]

15 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Love the look! "What are you doing with that shiny thing!?"

I think that is the camera on the floor. Of course the kids aren't picking up after themselves oh well. He sure is big for only being 6 months old. 

[MaeBe]

35 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

He sure is big for only being 6 months old. 

Sure is! Is he good with the kiddos?

[Ashley0616]

14 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Sure is! Is he good with the kiddos?

Yes he is. Sorry it has taken so long. One sick kid and the other has needed my attention more than usually. 

[Mirrabooka]

We had a German Shepheard/Lab cross! It was actually our son's dog but when he moved out, Axel stayed here. ❤️ He was soooo awesome! Totally goofy, but really smart, and a million percent lovable. Unfortunately, he didn't even get to see his fifth birthday. 😢 He did both hind knees in quick succession, which were repaired, but he re-injured one and it wasn't repairable. The grief we went through after we made that horrible decision was far worse than anything we have ever experienced before or after. 

 

@Ashley0616, please be gentle with his joints until he is all grown up!

 

This pic is when he was still a puppy. 

 

 

 

 

[Ashley0616]

Oh I will. He loves to just sleep on the couch and sleep. Not very active at all which I'm mixed about. Less to do but also want him to do more too. 

[Ashley0616]

Well just been doing a lot of self reflection and a lot of gender dysphoria that has caused me to break down. The realization has been that I'm a trial period for men and women don't even consider me. It's getting dim. I have put myself out there by force even when I didn't want to. I have one friend but still haven't seen her IRL yet. We talk on Sundays and it's always me that starts it. Another person only talks to me when they want something. It's never been hey how are you doing. It's almost a month to my birthday and it's all just my mom, sister, nephew that are coming. So much for a 40th birthday party. I hate these posts. I want to be optimistic, positive and cheerful but I haven't seen anything go my way. I'm making it by the skin of my teeth. I wished I could just go into a coma for a year or just not wake up. 

[Mirrabooka]

Nup. Not an option. You need to keep going and keep us all in the loop, and we need to keep seeing your beautiful smile!

 

Party, schmarty. I'm 61 and haven't had a birthday party since I was 30. Even that was just a crummy meal at the pub with a few friends who we have since lost contact with. Don't sweat it.

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, Mirrabooka said:

Nup. Not an option. You need to keep going and keep us all in the loop, and we need to keep seeing your beautiful smile!

 

Party, schmarty. I'm 61 and haven't had a birthday party since I was 30. Even that was just a crummy meal at the pub with a few friends who we have since lost contact with. Don't sweat it.

Thank you!

[Ashley0616]

Well, I told my best and only friend that I liked her and asked if I ever came across her mind, I would make her not regret it. She didn't say no or yes yet. She believes that romance is dead to her, and I understand that due to her knowing her husband for over 20 years. I deleted my dating profile on Facebook and took a screen shot to show her. She is so right for me, and I hope I can be her best decision. I have left her be so she can think about it.  

[Ashley0616]

Well that didn't go well. She said she is intentionally single. When will I just stop thinking about putting myself out there. It really hurt but rejection and getting ghosted is just my second language apparently. The one person I have told all my dark secrets and didn't run off. At least we are friends. I'm happy only when I'm sleeping and that is it because things actually go my way from time to time. Just another wonderful day of me. SMDH!

[Abigail Genevieve]

Just now, Ashley0616 said:

Well that didn't go well. She said she is intentionally single. When will I just stop thinking about putting myself out there. It really hurt but rejection and getting ghosted is just my second language apparently. The one person I have told all my dark secrets and didn't run off. At least we are friends. I'm happy only when I'm sleeping and that is it because things actually go my way from time to time. Just another wonderful day of me. SMDH!

There's the old thing of getting out and getting involved in things in the community and meeting people that way. Does your church have a food pantry? Does it have service opportunities you could plug into otherwise? You might run into someone that way. 

[Ashley0616]

Just now, Abigail Genevieve said:

There's the old thing of getting out and getting involved in things in the community and meeting people that way. Does your church have a food pantry? Does it have service opportunities you could plug into otherwise? You might run into someone that way. 

I already tried that. Either too old like 60's and 70's or married. Not many people who would want to date a trans woman in dead red Mississippi. Maybe once things calm down just get a Mustang GT and just give up on it. Both are going to bring joy and pain. At least I could learn and share my love of cars with my kids when they get that old. I wouldn't even know what to do if someone said they wanted me. I would've already been thinking in my mind they are just going to ghost me so what's the point. I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried putting myself out there online and out in person. I haven't tried a bar yet although that's probably a bad idea. Maybe just to experience it again. I haven't been to one since 2013. The only problem I see is I'm not a night owl for sure. I go to bed at 8-830. My expectations were just that I wouldn't get rejected last. I have been able to handle a good bit of it but this one really hurt. I guess that's what happens when you have some hopes and expectations. It's not like I have another friend IRL to talk about this. She is my only one. I wished I didn't put myself out there.

[MaeBe]

On 5/13/2024 at 1:37 AM, Ashley0616 said:

She is my only one. I wished I didn't put myself out there.

First off, you can't regret being honest. You may not be changing the relationship, but it sounds like it still exists!

 

As for meeting people, what about through the volunteering you're doing? Maybe you can do more of that and meet people. Let some relationships grow and if they blossom into something more than friendship, great! If not, you've got more friends!

[Sally Stone]

Ashley, I think searching for relationships are a lot like searching for jobs, they tend to come along when you aren't actually looking.  Perhaps you could step back from actively searching, at least for a little while, and instead, concentrate on just being out and about as yourself.  Like Mae and Abby have already mentioned, just keep up your volunteering, but don't focus on a need to find someone.  Maybe, just maybe, changing your tactics will result in someone finding you. 

 

I do wish only the best for you, and I hope someone comes along who connects with you.

[Ashley0616]

Just now, MaeBe said:

First off, you can't regret being honest. You may not be changing the relationship, but it sounds like it still exists!

 

As for meeting people, what about through the volunteering you're doing? Maybe you can do more of that and meet people. Let some relationships grow and if they blossom into something more than friendship, great! If not, you've got more friends!

The sad part is I'm the third oldest member. One is in their 60's and the other is past 70's. I'm even older than the president lol. It's a younger crowd that's for sure. I like to come here to feel young again lol. 

[Ashley0616]

Just now, Sally Stone said:

Ashley, I think searching for relationships are a lot like searching for jobs, they tend to come along when you aren't actually looking.  Perhaps you could step back from actively searching, at least for a little while, and instead, concentrate on just being out and about as yourself.  Like Mae and Abby have already mentioned, just keep up your volunteering, but don't focus on a need to find someone.  Maybe, just maybe, changing your tactics will result in someone finding you. 

 

I do wish only the best for you, and I hope someone comes along who connects with you.

thank you!

[Abigail Genevieve]

Just now, Ashley0616 said:

The sad part is I'm the third oldest member. One is in their 60's and the other is past 70's. I'm even older than the president lol. It's a younger crowd that's for sure. I like to come here to feel young again lol. 

It's also networking.  Sometimes jobs come along because someone knows someone else - these older people might know someone.  "Hey, Ashley," someone might say,"My nephew is looking for love. He likes tall women. Whatcha think? Can he call you?"   Don't discount their ability to match make.  It is about networking.

[Ashley0616]

Well I have already shared how great my morning was. I had a great conversation with a woman. Butterflies feeling happened. I want the feeling to never end but as always good things must come to an end. I don’t even know how she feels about me. We are Facebook friends and had an amazing conversation. It was just the first conversation. I wished I didn’t fall so hard so quickly. It only tends to end in ways that are opposite of what I hope. I have been optimistic believe it or not but all the crap I have faced has changed me. I would love if things would actually go my way and stay like that for a while. I hope I can become optimistic again one day. I’m already for her to say she doesn’t want me. I don’t know what is worse borderline personality disorder or gender dysphoria. I want to be with someone but I’m tired of the being ghosted, or just getting hurt in general. There have been somethings that went ok. As I knew it she doesn’t like me that way. I wasn’t even looking but those damn stupid butterflies got my hopes up. I just want my luck to actually be lucky. Love sucks so many hopes and dreams and it all gets thrown right back at you. The good thing though is she did say wanted to be friends. 

[MaeBe]

It’s great to make new friends! Glad for you!

[Mikayla2024]

On 11/29/2023 at 1:41 PM, Ashley0616 said:

For the most of us we would wear the opposite gender's clothes. I started wearing my sister's clothes and my mom's corset at age 7 back in 1991 of course when they weren't there. I knew they wouldn't support me if I told them how I felt. I didn't know any transgender terminology. At the time I had a make-believe friend named Ashley because I already loved that name. I would pray to God to please make me a girl. I created a fake front. Back then Dallas Cowboys were unstoppable and so was the Chicago Bulls, so I told them who I was fans with. At that time, I honestly didn't like football, but basketball was fun. I only told them I liked football to please my dad because he watched all the time. He also played football in school. Back then I didn't know how to act around kids because I lived in the country with no one to play with. 

 

When I was a teenager, I was in denial because I didn't want to get caught. I was cutting myself with a shaving razor and would take swigs of Smirnoff Vodka. I wasn't really a social butterfly then. I guess you could say I was partial goth. I did play 6th grade basketball. I was decent at it. 

 

After graduation of high school, I joined the Air Force because I already wanted to, and I felt it was my duty to serve especially after 9/11. I of course couldn't come out because they would just kick me out. My first duty station I couldn't live how I felt because they would do dorm inspections randomly and I was always picked because I was on the first floor. When I would get to my second base, I was able to live off base, back on March 27th, 2007. I purchased a white Cami and long brown skirt. I would wear that, and watch Charmed my favorite character was Piper. I started dating my first wife and went back into denial. The same happened with the second wife. Got divorced and started dressing up again. I went back into denial again because I felt like God won't like me. I went through a lot of bad relationships, and I didn't tell them I was trans. They didn't break up with me because they never found out.

 

It finally came out when I started to accept myself for who I truly was and started on April 14th, 2023, my wife knew that I loved wearing women's clothes, but I didn't tell her I was trans which I should've told her before we got married. At the time I was sort of happy just being a femboy. I posted a picture of me in a prom dress online on a group's page thinking it was private. April 16 My wife at the time put me in a black sleeveless dress. She also put make up on. When she was done, and I found out how beautiful I felt. I was on cloud 9 and thinking how much more I felt connected to my inner self. April 17th, 2023, my second oldest sister confronted me by Facebook and asked what is going on. I told her I was trans, and she said she needed more time. After that I sent a group message to family. I got nothing but hatred. I changed my information on Facebook and went from having 145 friends to just 35 most were some called family. My oldest son took a few times to explain what is going on. The youngest is only three so he of course he won't understand. 

 

My third wife asked if I was serious about being trans. I said yes and she said she had to think. Well, it wasn't much thinking because she would say she is okay with it and then she would say we need to get a divorce. We slept in different beds. She went to an apartment and didn't tell me anything. Back in January, I let her have a car since I had two. She never treated it right. One night she just took off without a notice. She said would make payments from the joint checking account and get insurance in her name. June 16, 2023, my birthday, she played games with me by saying she wanted to get back together I was so excited that I told family. 30 minutes later she broke it off. Three months went by with no payment or insurance. I had the car towed to my house and got a key cut. We agreed to first get an annulment and then a couple of weeks she threatened to bring a lawyer, so I got one myself. She is now in an unknown location, and it will probably delay the process. June 2024 I will be able to file for a divorce under abandonment. July, I started to feel the effects of HRT. I felt happier. I still had moments of outbursts. A couple of months later my doses increased. I felt more peaceful. I saw my endocrinologist November 28th, 2023, I was discouraged when I was on the scale and saw 242.2. I gained 30 pounds. I was at 216 but what also happened during the weight gain was doses increased with a mental health drug called Divalproex and a side effect is rapid weight gain. My Ozempic was increased from 1 MG to 2 MG. First injection for that will be Friday. I guess that is it for now. Take care and trust the process it will come in time. 

Hi Ashley,

 

Your story is so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing. I too work in a para-military law enforcement agency in Canada. So, I get forcing something that is not completely natural especially in a masculine environment. I found it did more harm to me trying to be that person and trying to force it. 8 years into the job and I’ve taken injury on duty leave for 1.5 years of it. It took me a lot of digging to find my true self. 
 

I know I’m only at the beginning of my transition but I’ve also seen the tip of the iceberg and how ugly it really is. The way I look at it, the person you were before and the person you are now are two completely different versions, the better version being the one who you were truly meant to be. 
 

love ya girly! 

[April Marie]

Hang in there, Ashley. Relationships take time to develop. Even friendships take time as each person gets to know the other.

 

And, remember you always have friends here at TGP.

[Ashley0616]

Well so much to catch up on. I have met the woman I love a lot! We met at trans women that love transwomen n. We have been talking for almost 2 weeks and things have moved fast but I'm not scared. Last night we had a conversation on when she would be able to move in. We will be living together in September of this year. I just need to save up to start the official divorce process. The time has finally come to when I can apply. My girlfriend's name is Camilia. We have at times have talked three times a day. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her. We have hit off amazing. We have already been planning our life together. She is going to help me with the surgeries that I will get. I think about her all the time. She has accepted me for me and I have told her everything. Maybe she'll join us on the forum Well I'm not telling all the details but I wanted to talk about her.