Ashley's Life from Start to Present

[Ashley0616]

My gender dysphoria is very bad today. I feel so anxious, depressed, distressed, and can't stand down there. I just need some help to get through the day. I'm having a real bad anxiety attack. My chest hurts from breathing so quickly. I'm trying to slow it down but it makes the chest hurt even more. None of my arms are numb so I know it's not a heart attack. Depression is pretty bad too. I want to accomplish things but I feel so depressed that I don't have the energy to do anything. My anxiety caused an anxiety attack which also caused vertigo. Things have gotten worse from Saturday. My body dysmorphia has gotten really bad that the thoughts of putting a hair tie down there to cut the circulation and then I wouldn't have it anymore. Ok it has now been an hour and a half from last and I feel much better. My therapist helped me out. I'm glad he was able to see me on such short notice. 

[Mmindy]

3 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

My therapist helped me out. I'm glad he was able to see me on such short notice. 

Hugs and positive vibes for you @Ashley0616

 

I wish I could be there and really hug away your anxieties. Have you tried a dark room, meditation, and maybe hyperventilating into a paper bag, to ease your breathing pace?

 

I'm also glad that you have a therapist who is available on short notice.

 

Digital Hugs are still from the heart. >HUGS<

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Ashley0616]

Just now, Mmindy said:

Hugs and positive vibes for you @Ashley0616

 

I wish I could be there and really hug away your anxieties. Have you tried a dark room, meditation, and maybe hyperventilating into a paper bag, to ease your breathing pace?

 

I'm also glad that you have a therapist who is available on short notice.

 

Digital Hugs are still from the heart. >HUGS<

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Thank you! I do feel better it took a while to feel better. 

[Ashley0616]

Get ready for another damn RANT! I have helped my ex that I had kids with over and over again! I told her at the beginning of the month I had a meeting in Jackson, MS for trans people. She said ok. Today she asked if I would help her move to her new apartment because her current one is getting unlivable the same freaking day as the meeting! She of course played it off like oh I don't remember you telling me that. I'm so pissed off right now that I can't see straight. I'm trying to keep my cool because I do have the kids and I don't want to bad mouth her to them! She makes it so hard to even just respect her. Every time her text message or phone call on my phone it feels like my blood boils! I seriously don't know how much crap I can take before I snap on her. She uses them as an excuse all the damn time! I have to end it before I use more colorful language! 

[MaeBe]

It's nice that you help your ex, however you are under no compulsion to--no matter if they have DNA tied to your children.

 

You can be unavailable, Ashley.

[Ashley0616]

12 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

It's nice that you help your ex, however you are under no compulsion to--no matter if they have DNA tied to your children.

 

You can be unavailable, Ashley.

That's the only reason I did it, is for my kids. Maybe I guess that is my problem is being too nice. I don't know it's something I always grew up on. If you can help someone than do it.

[MaeBe]

1 minute ago, Ashley0616 said:

If you can help someone than do it.

There is nothing wrong with that frame of mind at all. There is such a thing as being taken advantage of, however. You had plans, you should feel no shame in stating as such. Perhaps I am too jaded, but if someone decides they don't need you in their life anymore, does the minimum with regards to their children, and then asks (or expects) you to compromise plans to assist them at the drop of a dime, it starts to sound like they're taking advantage. If I am wrong, I am wrong, but I see this behavior all the time (not from you) and people feel so much guilt or resentment when they are obviously being used.

 

Did you cancel your plans?

[Ashley0616]

Just now, MaeBe said:

There is nothing wrong with that frame of mind at all. There is such a thing as being taken advantage of, however. You had plans, you should feel no shame in stating as such. Perhaps I am too jaded, but if someone decides they don't need you in their life anymore, does the minimum with regards to their children, and then asks (or expects) you to compromise plans to assist them at the drop of a dime, it starts to sound like they're taking advantage. If I am wrong, I am wrong, but I see this behavior all the time (not from you) and people feel so much guilt or resentment when they are obviously being used.

 

Did you cancel your plans?

Unfortunately I did. I didn't feel good about it and still don't. Maybe I guess I need to be tougher one day and just say "No."

[MaeBe]

6 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

Maybe I guess I need to be tougher one day

Not maybe. You will! 😁

 

I'm sorry you cancelled your plans. I really feel for you, you obviously have a generous heart.

[Ashley0616]

3 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Not maybe. You will! 😁

 

I'm sorry you cancelled your plans. I really feel for you, you obviously have a generous heart.

My kids mean the world to me. I would do just about anything for them and I would help others as much and as often as I can. I'm just about always trying to help. I hope one day they'll return the favor. I'm not expecting it though because that is more than likely going to lead to fustration.

[MaeBe]

That's really admirable! Even so, you need to do things for yourself sometimes, too! That's not selfishness, it's balance. ⚖️

[Ashley0616]

Well I texted my sisters and Mom about them to please stop deadnaming me. Majority of me thinks it was just a waste of time. I wished they knew how it feels to be deadnamed. They won't I'm almost 100 percent sure of it. They won't care how I feel about it because according to them I have always been and probably will always be "Scott" to them. It's sad to not be fully accepted as I am. 

[MaeBe]

I’m sorry, Ashley! The fact that they don’t care about your feelings is of great concern. How little effort does it take to try? Does it mean they can’t slip up if they start calling you Ashley? No, but they’re being selfish and phobic.

 

I know you are a much more graceful soul than I, but I would be changing how—or if!—I interact with them given those circumstances!

 

And just because…

 

Ashley! Ashley! Ashley! ASHLEY!

 

💜Mae

[Ashley0616]

24 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

I’m sorry, Ashley! The fact that they don’t care about your feelings is of great concern. How little effort does it take to try? Does it mean they can’t slip up if they start calling you Ashley? No, but they’re being selfish and phobic.

 

I know you are a much more graceful soul than I, but I would be changing how—or if!—I interact with them given those circumstances!

 

And just because…

 

Ashley! Ashley! Ashley! ASHLEY!

 

💜Mae

Thank you!

[Ashley0616]

I'm feeling EUPHORIC today after my nap! I wished I could feel this way every day! I went ahead and oiled my hair, and it feels drastically different. My hair is around 6" in length. If only it wasn't curly then it would actually show the length of my hair. I was able to get a good deal on some more hair products. Mineral drops, hair oil and growing spray. I'm still good on the pills. I like my dealer June at Moerie! She gets me great deals ever since I started doing business with her. Hope she doesn't leave the company. I gained four pounds so I'm hoping it'll give me some curves because I don't have any other than my gut, breasts, and cheeks. The coffee has been staining my teeth really bad. I'm hoping to get them white as before drinking coffee. I missed my chance to probably be board member of the Equality Group that is located on the coast. I think I can still become an ambassador so I'll take that and hope I can get in with that. I get to see the president this Sunday because they are doing an easter event for the local kids. Who knows maybe they can use my help and I can show that the mistake I made was extremely rare. She did say that she understood that I have kids so I'm happy with that!  I was already told I'm a member of the Trans Group in Mississippi. I'm hoping to take part in the next meeting up in person. I'm finally able to put myself out there. I hope that things run smoothly and my fear of crowds isn't too bad. 

[Ashley0616]

Well today so far has been good. It started out depressed but then about 2 hours ago I felt euphoric. I started a drink I found on Pinterest and it's called Tsunami Drink Cocktail. I got to heavy on the blueberries and it looks more purple than blue. Oh well I guess it's going to be a learning curve with this drink. It has the same kind of danger that Sex on the Beach has, tastes fruity but it's potent at the same time. 

[Ashley0616]

I created a mixed drink. It contains champaign (cheap stuff Korbel), Hypnotic, Malibu and Lemonade. It tastes wonderful. I'm calling it Ashley's Paradise. It's one of the one's you got watch out on.  I got my Ole Miss Peach Bowl Jersey that is custom. I had it with number 84 (my birth year) and Elliott on the back. Looking forward to fall again! Cooler weather pumpkin spice and college football!

[MaeBe]

19 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

I'm calling it Ashley's Paradise.

Love it and it sounds yummy! Sweet thought, so I'd definitely be wary of over-indulgence! 🥴

 

💜Mae

[Ashley0616]

Thank you

[Ashley0616]

Well I found someone else I really like. They are FTM and they are in Mississippi. I don't have his personal number and I get to see him on Tuesdays at 6 PM. I feel like it's going to be another failed attempt again. I hate feeling this way. I wished I could get rid of the feeling of wanting a partner. I'm so tired of getting hurt all the darn time. I wished I could just be satisfied with being single and not wanting someone. I have always felt this way since I was 8. I tried to spend a lot of time with my first love and she said she didn't see me that way and hooked up with another guy at church. It hurt. I also know if I ask him and he said no things will be awkward during the video chat group on Zoom. He is in the Mississippi trans group that I'm a member of. It's not even the hormones that is causing it. It was how I was before. Maybe I'll just get a 5–6-foot teddy bear. Which I feel like it won't do anything anyway. I hear a lot about successful couples and they accept them for who they are. Are there any ones that also fell apart like what I went through? Surely I can't be the only one. I'm pushing 40 with three failed marriages. What is true love? Someone who is willing to actually work on the relationship instead of leaving at the first inconvenience. I tried so hard with the one who cheated on me while deployed and also left me at my mom's house while we were visiting and made a big scene out of it all. She even made me walk to the apartment. The second one broke up after she became super religious and blabbing on how she is a Christian and accusing me of not being one.  Which leaves the third one who left me after finding out I was trans. She left without saying goodbye. I wanted to get an annulment so I wouldn't have to get the third divorce. I prepared the paperwork and paid for it and all she had to do was sign for it. Now with no contact I have to wait till June 17 to file for divorce under abandonment. That one really got me believing that anyone else I date will abandon me too. I try to push people away but at the same time I want them. I wished they would fight for the relationship but they give up way too easily.  

[Ashley0616]

I feel a little better about going outside. I got my EpiPen just in case of an emergency. Today was rough started euphoric and then depression hit real hard and I don't even know what it was about. It just happened. I want to see a bright future but it turns dim because of something. I was disappointed on how much supplemental insurance was more than regular health insurance. I enjoy seeing other successful people making it as a couple through everything in fact I cheer them on but it just makes me think if I will find anyone. I barely dated anyone when I was physically fit male and then it seems the older I get it gets harder. Not to mention everyone down here leaves as soon as they find out I'm trans. It's only going to get more difficult because of borderline personality disorder. It's dang near seems impossible that people would even put up with that. After all that I'm still trying to be positive and hope for the best but I always expect the worst and that has always been the case. Pushing 40 and I haven't even experienced true love.

[Ashley0616]

Well it's been a few days since last post. I helped my ex move and ended up getting vertigo, severe migraine and drained. I laid down on the carpet since there was nothing at the new place. After a little while I had a severe allergic reaction to something on the carpet. I was only able to say EpiPen twice and purse. I opened it up but forgot to remove the blue safety cap to inject it. I finally did and was able to get instant relief to breathe again. I went to the ER and they monitored me for 2.5 hours. I don't remember what injections I got but I felt better. Sunday was resting so nothing was done. Today I coughed up white mucus, lost my voice which was fun doing speech therapy with. I got a couple of people who started talking to me on Facebook online dating but they stopped after I sent my first message. It's frustrating with it because you don't always get notifications when someone likes or sends a message. I also think that after a certain time that passes and no response meaning they stopped caring which happens to the few that do get that far with wanting to do anything with me. It's mostly people who don't know I'm trans and then ask them if they read my bio and of course leave. I finally planned my birthday party. It'll take place at McCallister's which is a deli restaurant. Now I got to save for the catering. I'm not going to be happy if hardly no one shows. I'm the one putting in the effort. All they have to do is show up. I'm paying for the food and the drinks. My mom is making her wonderful homemade cakes. I asked her to make me a Tiger shark cake. I'll show pictures of it later. I'm getting a sash and a crown that goes in my hair. 

[MaeBe]

I'm sorry it's been a rough few days, but I would definitely go to your birthday party! 😁

 

I hope you feel better really soon!

 

💜Mae

[Ashley0616]

5 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

I'm sorry it's been a rough few days, but I would definitely go to your birthday party! 😁

 

I hope you feel better really soon!

 

💜Mae

Thank you

[Ashley0616]

Well things are going ok. Feeling euphoric at the moment. I have been through a couple of guys with texting and they either wanted me as a fetish, ghosted me after I showed them a picture without a wig on me, and as soon as they found out I was trans they blocked me. One guy said he didn't mind and was only looking for a friend which I'm good with and I'm the only one wanting to know about him while he hasn't even asked one question so I'm giving him a week and I'll block him. I'm talking to two women. One knows I'm trans for sure, but she has talked to me since Wednesday, and I sent her the disorders I have and apparently that is too much for her. The other woman I really like, and we have texted each day. She said she wants to be friends which I'm fine with because I could use a friend period. Secretly I'm hoping for more but I'm not going to push it. We are trying to plan to meet up in person one day. She is currently sick. She stays pretty busy because she runs her own business. She also has three kids. We are thinking about meeting at the beach. She brought up a good idea with getting an umbrella so I'm going to get one as soon as I can. She wants our kids to meet so I'm wondering if that's a sign or if it's just the hopeless romantic in me that is just hoping to have a partner and interpreting things the wrong way? I'm just going to let time decide and go from there. I have been through a lot of deep dark problems. I'm now a week without psych medication and spiro. I have been on the horn with the VA and all I have gotten was that we'll get to it. It has been really hard going cold turkey on the psych medication which was at a high dose. I'm hoping to get it sometime soon so I can feel better. It has taken a lot of work and effort to try to think and function. They really should've sent the refill back when I requested it. I have been hurting a lot with my head. The other five psych medications have been helping. I'm grateful that I'm not down by more than one.