Binge eating as a coping mechanism

[Raini]

I'm familiar with eating disorders. My sister was diagnosed since early age with anorexia. She have been near to a critical weight and in a bad state. Now it's better. She still has bones showing, but it's not as extreme. She used to throw up and fainted. She threw up involuntarily though, so I never agreed with this diagnosis. We were told it's in her head and everything. She even was at psychiatric hospital. I got so worried over her that I got white hair strings and prayed to God.

 

Now I seem to have an issue with binging. I really do not wish to develope or having developed an eating disorder on top of everything. I think I've suffered enough. 

 

I usually eat, when someone in the house has made food. My eating habits are unhealthy and I don't take supplements other than Vitamin D.

 

I have been diagnosed with depression and have been medicated for 3 years 2021-2023. 2021 I came out of closet to myself about being transgender.

 

Then I also started seeing myself as a monster. I realized I had body dysmorphia on top of gender dysphoria, what I feel physically.

 

I started to avoid mirrors, because I didn't see myself in it. I only saw a monstrous being an empty shell.

 

I have never been the skinny type. I've always been chubby and with a round face and tiny eyes, whis is why I was bullied a lot and called names like fatface, chinese and got asked why I have tiny ears. I was never picked first to teams in gym classes. I hated gym, because I could never throw ball or run as fast as others could. I was sick a lot, because my family has a genetic defect, where a whole part is missing, so I was born with an heart defect. It won't bother me though and been properly checking it time to time. I was in the hospital a lot though, thanks to my weak immune system.

 

I was very shy and with very low self esteem. I never talked to strangers and avoided strangers by choosing different routes, so I wouldn't have to pass anyone. I'm so much better with it now though. 

 

I used to enjoy food much more, than I do now. I don't eat it now, because I enjoy it. I eat it for fuel. It's almost as if I can't taste it anymore, like I used to, but I know taste buds change. 

 

I just simply inhale it to the point of getting sick and then I wonder why I got sick. I have digestive problems and kidney issues (kidney issues are currently under control). I do get reflux too.

 

My eating habits aren't the best. I skip meals often. I or my family simply don't have the energy for it to cook 3 warm meals every day. I often just make a sandwitch with white bread, that don't fill me up. I do eat porridge every morning though. I get hungry then late in the evenings, because my last mealtime was in the morning.

 

At when we do cook properly I overeat and get sick. I did try to hide my late evening snackings, because I told my parents I was 95 kg's and then I got a lecture.

 

I figured it wasn't good I hid it, because it may led to me developing an eating disorder.

 

I just ate, because I felt like there was a hole inside and I tried to fill it.

 

It's hard to get in the habit of eating properly and exercising thanks to depression and health issues.