coming out to my son

[blackpanther]

I joined this forum seeking advice as to whether I should come out to my son. I am 75 and recently had a serious operation. It got me thinking about my mortality and that my son has never really known who I am. If you read my intro bio it describes where I am coming from. Basically in his senior year of HS his mother and I divorced because of my gender and our alcohol and drug issues. I got and have stayed sober she never did. Several years after our divorce she had a stroke as a result of her unresolved issues. She was estranged from her dysfunctional family and my son ended up providing her a home with him. She is now severely disabled as a result of the stroke. It's been a struggle for him. 

 

My concern is we have a close relationship and I don't want to loose him. I fear he may blame me for his mother's situation. At the same time I feel he has a right to know who I really am. I never really new my father and have felt robbed that he did not share more with me. I guess it was typical of the "greatest generation".

 

Just looking for advice and opinions.

[MaeBe]

There could be caregiver bias, but there is never anything wrong with sharing your truth. It may not go the way you expect, but you get to have your say and maybe a conversation you wouldn’t otherwise have. It will take nuance and care in the approach, but you could find new ground and appreciation. Could the alternative be worse? Maybe, but you’d be silent. 

[Susan R]

9 hours ago, blackpanther said:

…recently had a serious operation. It got me thinking about my mortality and that my son has never really known who I am.

Hi again @blackpanther. The thought of mortality is sometimes life changing. It can become a trigger to make BIG changes in one’s life. When my younger brother passed, I was immediately triggered in a similar way your operation has you. When I found out my brother had passed, it brought to mind just how short life can be. Throughout the first week of his death, my thoughts of mortality progressed. I felt that if I died, my wife (of 20 years at that time) would never have know the real me. It was a paralyzing epiphany. We were so close over those 20 years but suddenly she felt so distant with that realization. That omission became a severe problem for me as someone who believes in an afterlife. I knew at that moment I needed to not only share my true identity with her but I needed to start living it as well. It had never been so clear to me what needed to be done but like the old saying, “Easier said than done.” So in some ways, that moment was probably the actual start date of my transition.

 

9 hours ago, blackpanther said:

My concern is we have a close relationship and I don't want to loose him.

The revelation of one’s true identity is an important part of many relationships. We may not ever disclose ALL of ourselves to any one person but it can be an indicator of the closeness we share with one another. Of course, a disclosure of this depth can only be decided by you. You know all the variables and facets in the relationship. Looking at it through the eyes of society will inevitably cause you to continue to suppress your truth. Keep in mind that you are a wonderful being…disclosure and all. Your love for your son is unaffected by your truth. Getting your son to understand that is the mission. He will have to decide what he wants to do about it…if anything. Good communication is always the answer. Here are some things to weigh before making a decision. Will you have access to your son to continue the conversation after the disclosure? That is such an important factor because the process can take time. Will his mother impede his acceptance (poison the well) and how can you prevent or limit its affect? Does your son have the maturity needed right now to process the disclosure?

 

I wish you the very best outcome no matter what you decide to do. The truth can hurt but in the end, it’s usually the best choice, IMHO.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

 

[KayC]

Hi again, also @blackpanther
I won't give you advice (I don't think it's appropriate in this situation), but I will give you my experience.

I came out to my wife first - didn't go well.  Still trying to work through it, but it was necessary.

Came out to my daughter next (although my wife had already told her, and didn't tell me she had told her).  Her acceptance is full of mixed messages.  Still a work in progress.

Came out to my son a couple of months ago (with his girl friend present.  I consider her family, and he needs her support) -- Father/Son relationships are complex, I believe.  It went well, but I think he is still processing it.

Coming out to my son was the most difficult, but IF we are ever going to have an honest and sincere relationship (I am in your general age group) then I felt is was essential that he knows. 

This is just me.  But hope it helps you think it through.  Only YOU can decide what is best for you.  Wishing you all the Best❣️

[blackpanther]

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experience and wisdom. The point about his mother poisoning the well is a concern I hadn't thought of. Post divorce over the last 25 years any time she could cause trouble she tried. We have not seen or spoken to each other except through lawyers since the divorce. My son deeply loves his mother and took her in after her stroke and her family wanted nothing to do with her. She is a basically a good but damaged soul just in a different way to myself. My son is a musician/artist and has mentioned several times his positive feelings towards trans people. He has one friend who is a fully transitioned mtf musician and thinks she is one of the best players he's ever known. I don't know if his mother has already told him about me and his unsolicited remarks about trans over the last 10 years may be a way to draw me out to tell him about myself. Thanks again to everyone.

[Breanne_O]

I can empathise, @blackpanther.  I'm a veteran and also recently shared a taxi with some hooded chap with a scythe but I reached my destination first and got out.  Thankfully, my wife was smart enough to figure out my bumbling coming out revelation and has been incredibly loving, supportive and understanding for which I give thanks.

 

I have yet to come out to my son and daughter, and I know they will feel (initially) hurt and betrayed which could result in an adverse reaction.  Nevertheless, we have given them the tools to make their own lives and assume what responsibilities they may, and we will remind them that we have not given them the power to order our lives to suit their sensibilities.

 

I hope I have the words to assuage their doubts and fears and help them understand but we must be allowed to live our lives as we choose in what years remain.