My "Coming Out" Letter to My Southern Baptist Mother (Hope this Helps!)

[Charleigh Dakota]

First, let me start this by saying that my wife, my children, and I are all happy and healthy and I respectfully ask that I be allowed to finish what I am about to tell you…because this is something very important that I need to share with you…I will try not to cry and I will try not to make you cry either…because what I am about to share is a wonderful and beautiful thing that has brought immense happiness to me and my family and it has filled my heart with an inner peace that I have longed for my entire life. 

I believe, with all my heart, that what I am about to tell you is the primary, if not sole, reason we have always had such a strained mother/child relationship all these years. I never once meant to hurt you, I never once meant to make you feel like I did not love you or need you in my life…I never once meant to upset you in any way…not one single time…nothing I ever did to hurt you was ever intentional and I never knew…until now…why I was the way I was with my momma.

But I do know now…that with your full love, support and acceptance of what I am about to share with you…that the primary reason for all the strife in our relationship will instantly disappear and we can finally have the close mother/child relationship we both have always wanted but never understood why we could not have it…I finally realized, after many years of self-evaluation and soul searching that the reason we always had strife had nothing at all to do with anything you said or did...or did not say or do…but rather because I was hurting inside and I was full of hate, bitterness, sadness, loneliness, anger and fear…everything that ever went wrong in our relationship was because of me momma…it was never intentional and I didn’t even realize this until now…but I know in my heart...that what I am about to share with you is one of the absolute main reasons we lost so much of our parent/child relationship over all this time…and I hope…I hope so much you will help me make this better for the rest of our lives together…because I need my momma and always have…I just didn’t deserve her until now.

With that said….

Momma,

I love you and I know you may not understand or believe me when I tell you that you are the most important woman in my life and I love you so very dearly, but I sit here today to try and prove this to you the best way I know how, and I hope that you will understand what I am about to tell you, listen with your heart, not judge me and still love, accept and be proud of me as your child…and as the person I truly am on the inside.

Momma, this is about how I feel, and have always felt, on the inside. This is about something I have struggled with and lived with buried deep inside my entire life and it has taken a very long time to get the strength and courage up to share this with anyone at all, much less the woman that gave birth to me and raised me to be such a great person.

I know what I am about to tell you will likely be confusing, it may go against your own beliefs, and it may make you see me in a completely different way, but I ask that you still try to understand this as my mother that loves me unconditionally. But if you can’t, I at least ask that you accept what I am about to tell you, as it is something that I have struggled with for nearly 50 years because its always been a part of who I am, and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I was able to courageously and fully embrace this and finally be truly happy. Keeping this part of me hidden has caused such anger and bitterness…stress, anxiety, and depression throughout my life that I can no longer continue ignoring it. When I am done here, I hope you will still love me, fully accept me and still be proud to be my momma, both in private and in public, including around your friends and other family members.

Everyone in my life that matters already knows about this part of me, but I came to you with this last because you are the one single most important person in my life that I fear most of losing once I share this with you. I waited to tell you because I needed to build myself up to the point that I was strong enough to tell my momma directly, because she deserves to hear this from me face-to-face rather than from someone else.

I hope you will let me finish this and then love me for coming to you, trusting you, believing in you, and sharing this part of me with you…despite my intense fear of your reaction… So please, let me get this out so I can be completely and forever free from my internal misery and finally enjoy being the true me for however long I have left on this earth.

Can you do this for me?...Can you do this for us??

I am going to start from my early childhood.

My entire life I have struggled to “fit in” with the boys. Sure, I never showed this or told anyone, but I always felt like I was “different” on the inside….like I “did not belong.” and that there was something “wrong” with me…so like anybody else, I just buried it and tried to ignore it throughout life knowing one day…it no longer would matter.

So, although, I never outwardly or verbally expressed this, I never found much interest in anything related to being a boy…or even a grown man. It just never felt right to me.

I struggled with these feelings my entire life on a consistent basis, they never went away no matter how hard I tried to bury them and ignore them. No matter how much or how well I hid them…they were always there eating at me and causing enormous amounts of stress, anxiety, and depression throughout my life. Why? Because I knew if I ever told anyone…I would lose everyone…so instead of embracing these feelings and listening to my heart…I simply created an “appropriate” persona instead…because that was what I was required and expected to do as someone born as male. Therefore, I was forced to accept life as a male because society said I had no other choice, solely based on what reproductive organs I was physically born with. However, the truth is…

I may have been born with male reproductive organs, but I was born with a female heart, a female mind, and a female soul. I have always desired to have girl things, do girl things and my interests were always “girl” type interests and…the idea of having to continue living as a male…as someone I am not and never have been…for the rest of my life, even if it is only on a part time basis, causes great sadness and anxiety within me.

Yes, I understand that this is a big change and likely very difficult to accept without prejudice, but to be fair to me and for the sake of my own happiness as your child I hope you will love and accept me no less no matter what I look like on the outside, because I am the very same person on the inside that I have always been since birth.

But while this “new” me has a long road ahead and I am dealing with many huge changes in my life that are stressful and filled with many tough challenges, and a strong concern for my personal safety and acceptance across the board, life as a male has left me with a feeling that something was off, something was missing and something was not right…that I was a “defect”.

Throughout my life, when I saw my reflection in the mirror…the reflection of a male…it made me sad, and I felt empty inside. I felt depressed, and at times, even ashamed of my appearance…because that was my forced reality …instead of my chosen one…but I just buried it and did my best to ignore it because that was what I was expected to do, even though it brought me no happiness whatsoever.

But, when I saw myself in that same mirror as a girl…it made me happy, warm inside and made me smile. Something I have spent far too much of my lifetime not doing…yet something all of us should get to do every single day!

As an adult, when I look in a mirror…. past the outer shell….I have always seen a woman…not a man. When I was a small child…I saw a girl…not a boy….and today…I finally see me…and I hope you truly see me too …Because I am finally happy to be me, and I cannot imagine ever being anything else ever again for the rest of my life…on any level for anyone.

Over the course of my life, I have only tolerated all things male for nearly 50 years, ever since early childhood out of purely social obligation and expectations. Not because I feel like a man or because it made me happy…but rather because I had no choice, I had to because the world said I had to look like a man, live as a man and even act like a man…because I was born with male parts on the outside.

On the other side of that, I have, since early childhood, envied female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, clothing, EVERYTHING Female…and I longed to voice my feelings and have those “forbidden” things that would bring me happiness, but I knew I was not allowed to like or want these things…because I was born with male parts on the outside and it was “not allowed or acceptable”…because it was against the rules of life.

But, because of the “rules” of life, I was forced to be someone I was not my entire life, despite my inner self fighting to escape and thrive as a happy and healthy girl. I was forced by society to believe that I had no choice but to be fake and live a lie…and that has caused me tremendous guilt, grief and bitterness throughout my entire life, and unfortunately and unintentionally, my loved ones, especially you momma, and my relationships with them have paid an equal price for this internal oppression of my true identity and the happiness I denied myself over all these years…and I hope standing here today, trusting my heart and being open and honest with my family will help begin to heal those many wounds and give me the opportunity to be the loving child you raised me to be instead.

This means that our relationship, our bond, our memories and our life together as a family was made as me as a little girl that grew into a woman…. not as a little boy that grew into a man.

I’m sorry if this disappoints you or makes you think I am crazy…but I am not…not clinically or in any other form…but what I am …for the very first time in my life…is truly happy and I am finally comfortable in my own skin and that is what matters most for the benefit of everyone in my life, but especially me. 

Momma, to put all of this into light, I am Transgender…which is not the same thing as a cross dresser or any other descriptor and has absolutely no connection or association with sexual preference or any other sexual connotation on any level whatsoever….it is solely about how I feel on the inside as a person….what feels “right” and “natural” to me….as such, I have already lived as a female full time for many months now…including at home, in public and even at work…and I will continue to do so every day for the rest of my life because this is what makes me truly happy.

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt that the outward expression of who I was expected to be, did not align with the inward sense of who I actually was…This lifelong sense of inconsistency within myself finally resulted in me seeking professional services to explore this unique sense of identity. This resulted in me being medically diagnosed by my primary care doctor, a clinician, and also a behavioral health professional with a condition known as Gender Dysphoria. What this means is that there is a deeply rooted misalignment between the societal gender norms that I have always been expected to blindly comply with based on my biological birth sex, and the gender I personally feel most connected to in my heart and mind…the gender I feel most in touch with and most natural living as.

No, gender dysphoria is not considered a mental illness or sexual deviation. It's a condition where someone feels distress because their gender identity doesn't align with their assigned sex at birth and the associated societal gender expectations of the sex which one was born.

Gender refers to the social, cultural, and behavioral attributes, roles, and expectations that a society considers appropriate for individuals based on their perceived or assigned biological sex. It encompasses a range of identities, roles, and expressions, and is distinct from biological sex, which is determined by physical and physiological characteristics. Gender identity refers to an individual's deeply-felt sense of being male, female, or another gender, and may or may not align with the sex assigned at birth.

I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope I still have a momma to be a daughter to…because Charles, who you always knew as your son…is not actually your youngest son, but rather your eldest daughter, and her name is Charlie and she goes by she and her…Charlie is the same child you gave birth to and raised and she is the same kind soul…the same daughter you always had all these years…but didn’t know you had until now … The only difference now is that I am at the point in my life where I can no longer be one person on the inside and another person on the outside, nor should I or anyone else ever have to be.

I hope you will still love me and accept me just as much as your daughter as you did as your “son”…and I hope that you will still love me and respect my wishes to be both publicly and privately recognized and introduced as your daughter instead.

Because, especially as your daughter, I still need my momma...

Of course, I know that some people may not be able to accept me as a girl, and I know some people may outright stop talking to me or even stop acknowledging me entirely but…my wife, my children, my coworkers and everyone else in my life that matters has so graciously accepted me and continue to welcome me into their lives, their homes and their families… as a girl instead of a boy…and they treat me no different than they always have. I ask that you and the rest of our family do not treat me any differently because going forward, I will walk, talk, act, dress and physically appear as close to my true gender of female as possible. This includes clothing styles, hair styles and presenting other physical attributes of a biological female.

Sometimes, regardless of age, what a child needs most is to be truly heard, to be unconditionally loved, and to be fully accepted for who they are on the inside…not for what they are on the outside….because, even though nobody, besides me, ever saw a little girl when they looked at me as a child…that doesn’t mean she wasn’t always right there to be seen…waiting patiently to be accepted as your daughter and reassured that it’s okay to be me…and that its okay to be happy.

I need my momma to still love and accept me and be proud of me as her daughter just as much as she was of her “son”…if not more…as it took almost 50 years of silently building up my courage to share this with her….because one of my biggest reasons for hiding this inside of me all this time is because I did not want to lose my momma, even if it meant a lifetime of internal suffering…and I still don’t…but it’s time for Charlie to live her life now…and she hopes her momma will be proud of her daughter and be by her side all the way.

I am still very much the same exact person I have always been on the inside; I still have the same heart, feelings, principles, morals, values and love for you and the rest of our family as I always have …. because since birth, I have always been a girl…just nobody knew it.

As my beautiful and amazing wife and best friend said “I am still the same gift, I am just wrapped in different wrapping paper”….I hope you can see that too!

Because this is solely about matching my outside appearance with my inside feelings…so I can be happy!! This is not about changing who I am, because I have always been this person…but rather, just about how I look on the outside…So, its just about what wrapping paper the gift is wrapped in.

But…with all this said, it is important to know that my need to freely express my true gender and openly live the remainder of my life as a female on the outside also, does not nullify the history or the importance of …our relationship as mother and child, so I understand if you need some time…but remember that your daughter loves you…and hopes that you still love her too.

Love,

Charlie ❤️

January 2024

[Carolyn Marie]

That's a very beautiful letter, @Charlie Dakota.  Thank you so much for sharing it with us.  Please let us know how things turn out after she reads it, and welcome to Trans Pulse.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Charlie, I can definitely see that you've put a ton of time and feeling into writing this.  Very detailed!  I hope things go well for you, and I hope that your relationship with your mother is strengthened by understanding and the strain you've formerly felt is resolved.  Let us know how it goes!

[Ivy]

Welcome Charlie 

[Charleigh Dakota]

Thank you to all for the warm welcome, kind words and acceptance into this group. I wish everyone the absolute best and look forward to making friends and being a friend!! Talk soon!

 

Kindly,

Charlie ❤️

[Charleigh Dakota]

Can someone please tell me how to change my "C" avatar to my actual picture? 

[Carolyn Marie]

3 hours ago, Charlie Dakota said:

Can someone please tell me how to change my "C" avatar to my actual picture? 

 

Go to your profile page, and on the upper left you should see the circle with the letter "C" in it, and a small insert.  If you pass your pointer over the insert, it will say "Profile picture."  Click on that, and you'll see instructions for uploading a profile photo.  You may have to shrink the photo to the required pixel size limit in order to upload it.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charleigh Dakota]

Got it!! Thank you!!

[Mirrabooka]

Great coming out letter Charlie. You must let us know how it went down after you present it to your mother.

 

Welcome aboard, by the way!

 

There are things in your letter that really make a lot of sense - asking for acceptance in the absence of understanding, the fact that you are essentially the same person on the inside as you always have been, the need for you to match your appearance with your feelings, and your need to be close to the person who gave birth to you.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[Charlize]

Thank you for posting your letter to your parents.  My parents had both died by the time i came out but i can certainly understand how hard that must be.  I have no doubt that acceptance will take some time.  I know it took my family time but with patience and love i hope it will work out for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

Beautiful, Charlie!  Your letter expressed so many of my own feelings about self-discovery, identity, Coming Out, affirmation, and acceptance ...

Thank you for sharing❣️

[Heather Shay]

Thank you for joining Charlie - I can tell you I feel your love and I wish you all the best here and in your life. Yours has been a long and hard journey as has been many of us here and I think Charlize said it best for me as my parents had also passed before I was brave enough to accept me for who I am. 

[Vidanjali]

Good luck and blessings with your momma @Charlie Dakota. I like how your wife put it, same gift, different wrapping paper. Lovely and brilliant. 

[Charleigh Dakota]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I will be sure to come back here after I come out to my mother and share my experience with ya'll (Which I hope is a good story to tell!!) I plan to talk to her likely between January 1st and January 12th (Her Daughter's Birthday - Me!)...though I really am scared out of my wits...I have to do this for many reason so I will be back with the details Mid-January 2024

[EasyE]

Wow, what a letter ... thanks for sharing ... I hope it is received in the way you want it to be ...

 

and welcome to the forums from a fellow North Carolinian!! Blessings to you...

 

[Charleigh Dakota]

1 hour ago, EasyE said:

Wow, what a letter ... thanks for sharing ... I hope it is received in the way you want it to be ...

 

and welcome to the forums from a fellow North Carolinian!! Blessings to you...

 

Thank you and Blessings to you as well. 🙂

 

[Heather Shay]

@Charlie Dakota beautiful as are you entirely.

Hugs

[Charleigh Dakota]

12 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

@Charlie Dakota beautiful as are you entirely.

Hugs

Awww...Thank you!!   Hugs ❤️ 

[KatieSC]

Charlie,

s

Very nice letter to your mother. I never had to send a letter to my mother. Shortly before she passed away, we were talking one evening, and I tried to tell her, but the words were hard to come by. She looked at me and said, "I know more than you think I do."

 

I was floored, but it made so much sense in the things she said and did throughout my life. I could never get the courage up to just tell her. I tried to hide from the truth, but so many times she caught me. She never berated me or called me names. Once she caught me squirreling away some panties and other items, and she simply asked me if I wanted her to get me my own. One night when I was about 15. she stayed up late, sitting in a chair. I was experimenting with her makeup and she caught me. Once again, she asked me if I wanted her to buy me my own. I buried these experiences until later. I so wish I had just opened up when I was younger. 

 

I hope your mom and the rest of your family treat you with love and dignity. You can only control yourself, and not how your family will react. I too, wrote a similar letter to a number of my relatives on my Mom's side of the family. The silence was abundant. and the disdain was apparent. It can hurt. It is amazing how some of those in the Southern Baptist Church love to condemn, and cannot fathom that our soul may be at odds with out physical appearance. That whole soul thing must only pertain to them, and not the people they condemn.

 

Life goes on. Fortunately, not everybody condemns us. I wish you great success with your evolving life. You really are not transitioning as much as you are being liberated from a physical form. You have been female since you were conceived.

[Charleigh Dakota]

10 hours ago, KatieSC said:

You really are not transitioning as much as you are being liberated from a physical form. You have been female since you were conceived.

Hi Katie, thank you for such a sweet reply. Im sorry you didnt get to tell your mom but Im glad she knew she had a daughter(s) before she passed. I dont think my parents ever caught me squirreling but they may had and just didnt say anything, probably hoping it was an embarrassing and shameful phase I would soon grow out of....but I will be 48 years old in about 2 1/2 weeks...Im pretty sure Im not in a "phase"...lol. But yes, I have been female since birth...just like you. Sadly, non-transgender people have no idea, and some could care less, about the eternal misery living in our own internal prisons have been like for us...but on the flip side of that, also sadly, they likely will never experience the sense of liberation and freedom that we enjoy as we transition on the outside to match what we have always been on the inside. On that note, I always say "Im not transgender and I am not transitioning...because to transition is to change...and I cant change from what I am to something that I have always been." Of course, that does not mean that I do not identify as transgender, I just use that phrase to try to explain my outward transition to others. Likewise, in my wife's brilliant words..."Im the same gift, Im just wrapped in different wrapping paper" ❤️ 

[Charleigh Dakota]

ANNOUNCEMENT!!! I FINALLY READ MY COMING OUT LETTER TO MY MOTHER....WE BOTH CRIED THROUGH EVERY WORD OF IT!! THEN....SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVES ME AND SHE ACCEPTS ME NO MATTER WHAT!! MY HEART MELTED!!!! TEARS OF JOY!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

 

OMG...IM CRYING AGAIN!!!! HAPPY TEARS!! HAPPY TEARS!!

[Carolyn Marie]

@Charlie Dakota, that amazing and wonderful and beautiful, and I am so happy for you.  You are lucky to have such a caring, loving mother. 

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[KayC]

Congratulations, Charlie!  I'm so happy for you (and for your mother) that she can accept you just as you are.

On 12/22/2023 at 8:21 AM, Charlie Dakota said:

sadly, they likely will never experience the sense of liberation and freedom that we enjoy as we transition on the outside to match what we have always been on the inside.

And ^THIS^ (from your previous post).

[Ivy]

This is wonderful !

[MirandaB]

Love this!