Hi, I'm Amanda

[A Man Da]

Hi everyone. This is going to be something very difficult for me to write and admit, & I feel really vulnerable writing it so please bear with me.

 

My male name is Adam & i am 32. My actual name (as i feel it should be, keeping parts of myself, is Amanda). I was born male (obviously) but I have never actually felt 'right'. It's something I have been fighting for years. I remember when we would go to my aunt & uncles (who had daughters 4 and 2 years older than me) when I was a kid, I used to play with my cousins barbie dolls & loved it! I was 7 or 8 years old when I 1st started doing this. I remember when I was about 11 being asked about it by my mum. I lied to her and said I was playing cars, like a good boy. This is because it had a barbie & Ken doll van. It felt right playing with it though & I wasn't playing cars!

 

I made sure that I didn't do anything else perceived as 'gay' again because my family (I am the youngest of 4, 2 brothers 1 sister) would kind of shame me for doing it, saying playing with barbie was 'gay'. I tried to 'man up' and completely stopped playing when I went to my cousins house. I felt like I was in the closet this whole time! Another Aunt would ask me everytime I saw her, after I turned 14, have I got a girlfriend. The answer would always be no! That's because I'm just not that into girls (probably 50:50 girls v guys). This went on for years until I moved away from family. I felt under pressure to conform to what was expected of me. I had to get a girlfriend, be into football and building works, etc. Honestly, I just wanted to be pretty & liked by people my age. When I left, I felt a degree of freedom. But I would still get questioned every time I spoke to family, have you got a girlfriend yet? I felt so under pressure to be who they wanted me to be, I finally 'conformed' & got a GF & lost my heterosexual virginity (more on that later, when I'm comfortable enough) when I was 25. 

 

The bad thing, I'm still with that person almost 8 years later! We haven't actually been intimate for coming up to 4 years. This is because I have not been attracted to her for quite some time. I have always been k8nd of awkward around women, not because i was attracted to them (sometimes I was) but more because i was wishing i was them! Now, I honestly & am more attracted to men & feel like I should have my nails done, have beautiful long jet black hair, wear a sexy purple dress & red lingerie & be loved by someone for who I actually am. Be that a male or a pre-op MTF, because I love the female body (wish I had a body like that of my own). 

 

This is something I have been fighting for a very long time. The honest truth, I am miserable doing this. None of this feels right! I am not meant to be a man. I have been trying my best to do the male things, provide 'food on the table', for want of a better metaphor. I hate it! Every time me & partner were up against it, it was up to me as the man to step up. I did it because I do love my partner, just not in an attractive way. But I hated having to be the man because its just not me!!! She gets to look pretty every day, do her makeup, wear pretty clothes & be how I want to be, whilst I'm having to be the 'man'. I look at her with such jealousy that she gets to be her. It is something that has become even stronger as I get older.

 

Recently I have been wearing lipstick (in private from everyone), & I've secretly been wearing my partners underwear. It feels so right when I do this! I look at myself in the mirror and actually feel a degree of love to myself, instead of thinking I'm a failure of a 'man', because I am not meant to be a man!!! I feel so unattractive as a guy, I actually have turned my feelings off to almost everything, because it feels so wrong! But when I am being more feminine, all those bad feelings go away & feel good about myself.

 

I have also looked at buying things I think I would sexy in. I did the face swap AI, I think I would so good as a women! Every time I look at the image, I think she is who I am meant to be. And there's some red lingerie I've seen, I think i would so good in! I get excited thinking about it!

 

My partner is off next week for Christmas & new year, so opportunities to wear womens clothes & makeup is out. The week after though, I will have the house to myself & I plan to order the women's clothes (cute purple dress I like too) & wear it when she is at work.

 

I want to become a women, full transition & reassignment. It feels right at the moment! But I am terrified what my partner, family & work will think & act like if I actually went through with this. But I feel like I have to do this. 

 

I've acted like the manly man, overcompensating for my true femininity. It will be a huge shock to everyone if I come out.

 

If anyone has experienced something similar, I need your help. I don't know what to do. I need help & advice!

 

I've attached the picture of what I'd look like as a women. I think I'm quite cute!! She is Amanda, who I want to be!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Amanda.  It's lovely to meet you.  What you've been through, what you have felt, and feel now about yourself and your life, what you dream about and desire, most of us here have also experienced and felt and desired.  You are among people who know and understand and empathize.  I hope that know that will make you feel a bit like you belong here and are among friends - because you are.

 

What to do about it all is more complicated, not only because it's difficult, but because it might hurt people you love and who care about you, and there are things you could lose, along with the things you could gain.  You'll see more of what I mean as you explore the various forum threads.  Along with what you read here, there are good books you should explore, too.

 

There are things I would suggest you do...next steps, that I would recommend to someone in the U.S.  It gets more complicated being in the U.K.  Everything takes much longer, is more difficult and burdensome, unless you've got the money to pay cash for services that the NHS offers for little or nothing.  The first of those things is to seek counseling by a specialist; a gender therapist we call them here.  The waiting time and bureaucracy with the NHS is very discouraging.  But there it is.

 

I hope that gets you started here.  Please ask questions, post comments, and meet some of our fine staff and members.  They will be along shortly.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Audrey]

Dear Amanda, it is lovely to meet you and welcome! There is much solidarity in shared feelings and experience, and I am confident you will find both in the community here. I absolutely relate to your story - most especially, the misery of doing the things expected of the gender I was assigned at birth. Like you, all of it felt viscerally wrong. Yet I pretended for years because I told myself it would be somehow easier than acknowledging the truth about myself and taking steps to live authentically. Pretending like that kept me trapped in depression and anxiety for years, feelings I imagine you relate to as well. I remember retreating into imagining what would be possible if I were a woman, or if I lived as a woman, and even used an app as you have done to experience it visually. Withdrawing into fantasies helped maybe a little with the negative feelings, but only temporarily as the hard reality of my life would inevitably come back. And so it was for more than twenty years until the pandemic, when the lockdowns and lots of time alone at home was the wake-up call to stop pretending and start living! That was a little more than three years ago now.

 

I echo Carolyn Marie's suggestion to connect with a therapist whom you can confide in and empower you to begin your journey, whatever that looks like for you. I agree that it will be essential not to get discouraged if things do not go as quickly as you might hope, especially where the NHS is concerned. Much of the journey is a transformation within ourselves involving our thoughts and feelings. Always remember that it is *never* too late to know yourself and live your life authentically.

 

I look forward to getting to know you and seeing you around the forums!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KayC]

Hi Amanda! and Welcome!
Your story has a familiar ring with myself and I am sure many others here on the Forum.  Finding TransPulse and entering into Gender Therapy was the beginning of my Journey.  Sometimes it can seem daunting, but it is possible to be your true self.

 

We are all unique, and our Journeys are unique ... but I think you will find a great benefit within the Forum and connecting with our Community.  So, I am wishing you all the best on your own special path. 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome aboard, Amanda!

 

Some of the things you wrote are very common amongst us. Wanting to be the woman vs. wanting to have your way with a woman, for example.

 

I've only taken baby steps myself so far so I can't offer you much advice, but I want you to know, this is a very accepting, warm, loving community here and wherever we are in our journeys, you will be supported here. You are in the right place!

[Birdie]

Welcome aboard Amanda! 💞

 

Much of your story rings with some of my personal experiences, and all I can say is, "just be truthful to yourself and those close to you."

 

My stepdaughter has become my greatest support in being me!

 

I think a gender therapist is in order, and might save a bit of heartache. 

 

I get the 50/50 thing 100% 💞

[Timi]

Welcome Amanda! Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story. In your words, I hear pain and hope and wonder and trepidation. I'm glad you are here. I think you will find some support, comfort, and good advice here. 

 

-Timi

[MaeBe]

Welcome Amanda! I have deep sympathy for your situation. You seem to feel between a rock and a hard place. Have you ever communicated with your partner about any of that inside part of you? Given your long term relationship, that seems like that would be a great place to create a bedrock for your identity, however it could be a non-starter due to history we aren't privy to. Anything I can write is pale comfort, but I do wish for you solace and peace.

[April Marie]

Welcome, Amanda!  I know it took lots of courage to open up here and we are so happy that you found us and were comfortable enough to tell us your story.

 

You'll find many of us with similar lives and even some of us who found ourselves late in life. You've already had lots of good advice. Spend time searching through the forum - it's a treasure trove of information. Start the process to get into Gender Therapy - that will help you to truly figure out who you are and where you want/need to go in your journey. Ask questions here and jump in where you feel comfortable.

 

Again, welcome!

[A Man Da]

1 hour ago, MaeBe said:

Welcome Amanda! I have deep sympathy for your situation. You seem to feel between a rock and a hard place. Have you ever communicated with your partner about any of that inside part of you? Given your long term relationship, that seems like that would be a great place to create a bedrock for your identity, however it could be a non-starter due to history we aren't privy to. Anything I can write is pale comfort, but I do wish for you solace and peace.

Hi. No I have never mentioned anything like that at all. If I did I am certain it would come as a massive shock!

 

I am thinking about just going out somewhere on my own & just being me. I don't really have a close family or close friends.

Today was the last day I had the house to myself. I took full advantage of the opportunity. I was in the right clothing, started learning a little bit of make-up, painted my nails & just had a few hours to myself. Then at 4:30, I had to leave to pick my partner up & obviously all the things I put on all had to come off & everything look as it before I touched it. 

 

But is it strange that putting it on felt good but taking it off felt like I was back into the fake me. Almost like an imposter?

[A Man Da]

Hi everyone!

 

Thank you all so much for being supportive. It really does help. I don't really know what gender therapy would involve but I will look into it.

 

I will update my progress here.

 

Thanks

[Ivy]

Welcome Amanda.

A lot of us here live, and have lived with the same feelings you have.

[EmilyLouise48]

Hi Amanda welcome, it is lovely to meet you. Thank you for being open and sharing your story, there are many similarities with my own. I can only echo what many before me have said in looking for a gender therapist so that you can work through your thoughts and feelings.

There are many wonderful people on here who have so much advice and guidance to give and, perhaps, most importantly support. I wish you all the very best and take care.

Emily x

[Heather Shay]

Greetings so glad you are here

[Karen Carey]

Hi Amanda.

 

Welcome to TGP.  You will find many friendly and helpful people here that empathise with your story. One thing that I would say is that you should try to find a therapist.  Psychology Today (UK) is a good starting point, and try to find one who specialises in gender variance (GV).  Early on I tried three that mentioned gender dysphoria among many other things in their biographies - a waste of time.  I then found a psychologist specialising in GV.  She has been great for online consultations during covid and now face-to-face.  

 

Good luck.

 

Karen

 

[Keera]

Hi Amanda

I'm a beginner in all this as well and only just experienced the emotions you talk about.The advice above is all very good advice and couldn't be faulted.Take it one day at a time and don't allow yourself to worry about things you might have to do down the line.You will find yourself easing into a rhythm and pace that you are comfortable with and above all happy with.This should be a relatively exciting and happy journey if you stay within your comfort zone and get the support you need.I wish you the best for the journey ahead

Love Keera

[Mmindy]

Good morning Amanda,

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums 

 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🤶🏻

[A Man Da]

Hi,

 

So I wanted to give a bit of an update. I have been terrified the last few days because I know my fiancé knows. She has seen the post in the forum (probably will see this too). The last few days of knowing she knows has felt like someone has put their arm in my chest & is squeezing really hard!

 

I think she somehow looked at my Internet history, found out I've been here and read it all. Pretty certain she knows about the clothes I bought too given in another email address was a welcome email from the exact online shop I went to. So it's obvious that she knows!!!

 

Today after I went to the gym, I came home, grabbed a bottle of wine (dash of Dutch courage) and went upstairs with the intention of talking to her about all this. She started talking about a ring that she wants to buy & asked for my input between 2 options, which I quite liked because who doesn't like jewellery shopping???

 

The bit that got me though, she started talking about the engagement ring I bought her & how this ring is bigger & prettier & how I would have to propose again. I know she knows, I just haven't said anything yet because I have been working up the courage to do so the last few days. Has she done that because she is not ready for me to say it to her & was deflecting? I understand that she must be going through a lot herself. The whole time we shared the bottle of wine, I was obviously effeminate in how I was sitting, the way I was talking & my body language. 

 

My thinking is to make it ridiculously obvious. Tomorrow I plan to wax my legs & other regions. I wear shorts after the gym (at the moment) and usually have an after gym drink to rehydrate (not normally wine) with her upstairs on the bed. Do you think it's a good idea to do that? My thinking, it shows I'm ready to talk about it and it puts the ball in her court. Also I think I'd feel amazing after waxing all that hair off my legs!

 

Thinking about it a bit more, she obviously isn't going to be surprised, so why am I worried? Also the more I think about it, she probably knew this day was coming. What man likes watching real housewives, kardashians (particularly the Caitlyn Jenner coming out episodes), gets excited by jewellery & often helps pick & is suspiciously good with hair dye? ( I help dye her hair)

 

[MaeBe]

I think it's safer to communicate than to assume. If you are so sure your fiancé has "found you out", why put things off? If she knows and is still talking engagement then you're probably not in a terrible spot, right?

 

As for the conversation, it's really what you and she will be comfortable with. The wax and reveal seems a bit theatrical and that you're trying to bait her into making the first move (maybe so you don't have to?). I could be misreading things, but definitely be yourself however you approach things. In my opinion, that conversation is all about you being comfortable and being ready for her to respond in any way that she could respond. Hopefully it will be a "Well, duh! I've known for a while now!" or "I had my suspicions and I'm happy you feel comfortable opening up to me" type of response and you can get on with ring shopping.

 

However and whenever that conversation occurs, I wish you courage and strength.

 

💜Mae

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Yes, its safer to communicate than assume.  But I noticed a big item in the original post.  Amanda, you and your partner haven't been intimate in four years?  And you don't find her attractive?  That could be a big problem in a marriage relationship.  At least, it would be for most people.  Please don't take what I just mentioned as a criticism - it isn't meant that way, and relationships can have a foundation quite apart from physical/sexual attraction. 

 

That said, I think your communication should probably include a heavy element of "where is life taking us" and a long look at what both you and your fiancee need out of a relationship.  There could definitely be a mismatch. 

 

On the other hand, good communication and common goals might kindle attraction and intimacy where there hasn't really been any before.  I'm in a multi-partner relationship, and in my girl form my primary attraction was to my female partners.  As I've become more comfortable with my gender issues, that attraction has shifted somewhat strongly in my husband's direction.  I had been afraid that he might have an issue with my boy form, but the truth actually strengthened our bond.  Whether that sort of experience becomes yours or not, truth and communication can lead to the best outcome for both of you.

[A Man Da]

7 hours ago, MaeBe said:

I think it's safer to communicate than to assume. If you are so sure your fiancé has "found you out", why put things off? If she knows and is still talking engagement then you're probably not in a terrible spot, right?

 

As for the conversation, it's really what you and she will be comfortable with. The wax and reveal seems a bit theatrical and that you're trying to bait her into making the first move (maybe so you don't have to?). I could be misreading things, but definitely be yourself however you approach things. In my opinion, that conversation is all about you being comfortable and being ready for her to respond in any way that she could respond. Hopefully it will be a "Well, duh! I've known for a while now!" or "I had my suspicions and I'm happy you feel comfortable opening up to me" type of response and you can get on with ring shopping.

 

However and whenever that conversation occurs, I wish you courage and strength.

 

💜Mae

Hi, I was thinking just go tell her. But when she was talking about being married it really threw me. I was going to make the '1st move' and be open but the engagement talk really confused me. I don't know if she did that to avoid talking about it because maybe she thinks it's just a 'phase'? But if she is still talking about marriage, yeah that has to be a good sign, you're right!

The idea of waxing was that it is an obvious sign that I am ready to talk about it (as well as something I want to do). Then if she is ready, she can ask me about it & we can have the conversation. If she ignores it, she needs a bit more time & I will go cover my legs & put some joggers on. It is a big conversation to have for both us. That's why I was thinking if I make it more & more obvious, she will be like 'well obviously' & has had a little bit of time to process.

 

❤️

 

[A Man Da]

6 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Yes, its safer to communicate than assume.  But I noticed a big item in the original post.  Amanda, you and your partner haven't been intimate in four years?  And you don't find her attractive?  That could be a big problem in a marriage relationship.  At least, it would be for most people.  Please don't take what I just mentioned as a criticism - it isn't meant that way, and relationships can have a foundation quite apart from physical/sexual attraction. 

 

That said, I think your communication should probably include a heavy element of "where is life taking us" and a long look at what both you and your fiancee need out of a relationship.  There could definitely be a mismatch. 

 

On the other hand, good communication and common goals might kindle attraction and intimacy where there hasn't really been any before.  I'm in a multi-partner relationship, and in my girl form my primary attraction was to my female partners.  As I've become more comfortable with my gender issues, that attraction has shifted somewhat strongly in my husband's direction.  I had been afraid that he might have an issue with my boy form, but the truth actually strengthened our bond.  Whether that sort of experience becomes yours or not, truth and communication can lead to the best outcome for both of you.

Hi,

 

The lack of intimacy is something I have brought up before. It is definitely a big problem for me. Being really personal, I have always been massively insecure in that area & have struggled to function on a number of occasions. So I can't really blame her for not wanting to. Not that I'm blaming anyone. It is going to be part of the conversation when I do talk to her. Other areas are good though. We always back eachother 100%, which again leads me to think, why am I worried?

 

When you started to become more comfortable, did you notice you look at women and think she is pretty rather than 'wow, she's hot'. And have the opposite with guys? I have always been 5050 myself, but lately that has been changing as I accept myself more.

[Timi]

HI Amanda! Thank you for sharing and asking. What I'm hearing from you is that you're trying to figure out the best way to say, "Hey, can we talk?" to your fiancee. And I'm just supposing, but I can't help thinking that your fiancee wants to talk before you "propose again."

 

Regardless, just from thinking about my life and thinking about what I've been reading of other's experiences here, talking in depth before proposing again sounds like a really really good idea. 

 

It sounds like you two have a good relationship - and it also sounds like there is still wonder about whether it is a marriage-type relationship. Such a tough question. 

 

My life has been characterized by easy friendly relationships with women that went absolutely nowhere sexually, contrary to my desires. Seems like I always fit in the role of "good girlfriend" rather than "good boyfriend" - even though I was deeply trying to repress my femininity! I think it would have been so much more helpful if I had the clarity about my gender identity that you have (I would not have even admitted to myself that I was "questioning"). I also think it would have been much more helpful to me when it came to sexual intimacy. I think when it comes to transgender people, we can be ... unexpectedly different (and wonderful) than what is expected of us (and what we may expect of ourselves) based simply on our body structure. I think it is so helpful to have a relationship that has room for that kind of freedom from sexual stereotypes.

 

I'm totally rambling here. Probably oversharing my own issues and struggles under the guise of being "helpful", and I apologize for that. I should probably delete this and rewrite when my thoughts are more clear, but I won't.

 

Sigh.

 

Please take care, Amanda! I wish the best for you as you navigate these paths!

 

-Timi 

[MaeBe]

4 hours ago, A Man Da said:

The idea of waxing was that it is an obvious sign that I am ready to talk about it

As long as it's an internalized sign you're ready. I started my last post off about assumptions. Sometimes people don't notice these things in the same way you think they will. It could be completely unnoticed and you may mistake that as "not being ready to talk", when it's not. Or, it could be a shock and start things off on the wrong foot.

 

If you want to be smooth and and that makes you confident, do it for sure! I see folly in using that as a barometer of whether your partner is ready to engage in dialogue. Express your love, your desire to be with her forever, and that you don't want to be "hiding" this part of you going into your nuptials.

 

I didn't know I had this part in me when I wed my wife. We'd been together for 20 years now and married for 18 when this all started coming out. I don't know how that would have affected things back then, but I feel lucky as can be that my wife is with me on this journey. I wish for you that same luck and for your relationship to stay strong and loving for many years!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

5 hours ago, A Man Da said:

When you started to become more comfortable, did you notice you look at women and think she is pretty rather than 'wow, she's hot'. And have the opposite with guys? I have always been 5050 myself, but lately that has been changing as I accept myself more.

Maybe I am a bit weird on this, but I don't really look at people sexually without an emotional connection. And I think that has been increasing as I get older. When I was younger and still in my girl form, of course I had lesbian thoughts about pretty girls in my classes. But I was tremendously insecure, so even those thoughts didn't really go too far. My GF and I have been together for a number of years, and she is also first person that I ever dated or had intimacy with. She found me at 26, and it took her a while to break me out of my shell.

 

Things with my husband actually started after he and GF rekindled theit long-standing Romance and got married. Initially we were just friends, and I didn't really notice my sexuality changing until I started becoming curious. Even though we are married now and have an excellent sexual connection, that hasn't translated into looking at men generally. Probably because our connection is grounded in intense emotions and understanding, and we developed that first.  

 

What has always driven my sexuality is the desire to be understood. In my girl form,I reasonably expected other girls to understand what I needed. I think that a portion of what convinced me that I have a boy form is the connection with my husband. And in that form, now it feels like he understands what I need perhaps better than my female Partners do.

 

Of course, all this is just my own experience and it may not relate to your process very much, if at all. I can definitely understand that you might be nervous or hesitant regarding intimacy with your partner. Emotions are very important to sexual function. Hopefully that will improve as your relationship improves, or if you choose to seek a different relationship. Difficulty is always temporary.