Hi, I'm Amanda

[A Man Da]

On 12/29/2023 at 1:43 PM, Timi said:

HI Amanda! Thank you for sharing and asking. What I'm hearing from you is that you're trying to figure out the best way to say, "Hey, can we talk?" to your fiancee. And I'm just supposing, but I can't help thinking that your fiancee wants to talk before you "propose again."

 

Regardless, just from thinking about my life and thinking about what I've been reading of other's experiences here, talking in depth before proposing again sounds like a really really good idea. 

 

It sounds like you two have a good relationship - and it also sounds like there is still wonder about whether it is a marriage-type relationship. Such a tough question. 

 

My life has been characterized by easy friendly relationships with women that went absolutely nowhere sexually, contrary to my desires. Seems like I always fit in the role of "good girlfriend" rather than "good boyfriend" - even though I was deeply trying to repress my femininity! I think it would have been so much more helpful if I had the clarity about my gender identity that you have (I would not have even admitted to myself that I was "questioning"). I also think it would have been much more helpful to me when it came to sexual intimacy. I think when it comes to transgender people, we can be ... unexpectedly different (and wonderful) than what is expected of us (and what we may expect of ourselves) based simply on our body structure. I think it is so helpful to have a relationship that has room for that kind of freedom from sexual stereotypes.

 

I'm totally rambling here. Probably oversharing my own issues and struggles under the guise of being "helpful", and I apologize for that. I should probably delete this and rewrite when my thoughts are more clear, but I won't.

 

Sigh.

 

Please take care, Amanda! I wish the best for you as you navigate these paths!

 

-Timi 

Hey Timi,

 

I have been thinking about this. I am not even sure if it is a 'hey let's talk'. We both know the other person knows & nobody has said anything. This is the part that feels weird. I am getting the feeling neither one of us wants to start the conversation because I think it is likely a ending relationship talk too. I'm not the person she thought she was going to marry. I think it is taking time to come to that realisation, hence we have given eachother space. Today she watched her TV show upstairs, I was downstairs having a bottle of prosecco watching Kardashians, makeup tutorials & outfit browsing. Loved doing it BTW!

 

I am sooooo glad I have stopped trying to fight how I actually feel with the BS, men should be stoic & not care how they feel thing & be super manly. That's rubbish!!! Only ends up with you feeling miserable 24/7. Did for me anyway.

 

Now that I have let go, I finally know what it feels like to actually feel good about yourself. And to look in the mirror & not feel disdain at the person looking back at you. It's like I have been imprisoned my whole life and now I have just been released. I finally get to live life for me instead of trying to live up to whats expected of me. I do think it's taken a little longer to come to this realisation because I have been born into this huge frame (I'm 6'5, booo) and its been an additional hurdle for me to climb over.

 

But honestly at the moment, I feel like a goddess. To have gone from never having felt comfortable in my own skin before, to wearing some womens clothes (my own now, not things that I 'borrowed'), looking in the mirror & feeling good about yourself, it's an entirely new feeling to me, in a good way!

[Timi]

14 minutes ago, A Man Da said:

Hey Timi,

...,I finally know what it feels like to actually feel good about yourself. ... I feel like a goddess. To have gone from never having felt comfortable in my own skin before, to wearing some womens clothes (my own now, not things that I 'borrowed'), looking in the mirror & feeling good about yourself, it's an entirely new feeling to me, in a good way!

Thank you for this, Amanda! Your whole post made me smile!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

25 minutes ago, A Man Da said:

I have been thinking about this. I am not even sure if it is a 'hey let's talk'. We both know the other person knows & nobody has said anything. This is the part that feels weird. I am getting the feeling neither one of us wants to start the conversation because I think it is likely a ending relationship talk too. I'm not the person she thought she was going to marry. I think it is taking time to come to that realisation, hence we have given eachother space. Today she watched her TV show upstairs, I was downstairs having a bottle of prosecco watching Kardashians, makeup tutorials & outfit browsing. Loved doing it BTW!

 

 I do think it's taken a little longer to come to this realisation because I have been born into this huge frame (I'm 6'5, booo) and its been an additional hurdle for me to climb over.

 

Id say that if you're watching makeup tutorials and looking at outfits, it is likely that your partner knows.  You just haven't reached the point of having that potentially life-changing talk yet.  And that's OK, if you've got an unspoken mutual agreement to not rush it.  

 

I can understand feeling like your body size/height doesn't match who you feel like you want to be.  I'm coming at it from the opposite side.  I'm more than a foot shorter than you, and I'm too slender at 100 lbs.  Nobody takes me seriously as an adult in my boy form.  Pretty frustrating to try to buy a bottle of wine and every store acts like I have a fake ID 🙄

[A Man Da]

21 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

Id say that if you're watching makeup tutorials and looking at outfits, it is likely that your partner knows.  You just haven't reached the point of having that potentially life-changing talk yet.  And that's OK, if you've got an unspoken mutual agreement to not rush it.  

 

I can understand feeling like your body size/height doesn't match who you feel like you want to be.  I'm coming at it from the opposite side.  I'm more than a foot shorter than you, and I'm too slender at 100 lbs.  Nobody takes me seriously as an adult in my boy form.  Pretty frustrating to try to buy a bottle of wine and every store acts like I have a fake ID 🙄

Hi, 

 

It sounds like if we could swap bodies it would be perfect!!! I'd love to be around 5'5 & slender! I assume you have you tried changing up your diet to help bulk up a bit? When I was trying to gain muscle, I was on a pure carnivore diet. It did work really well! I put on so much muscle so fast! Might be worth you giving it a try, if you haven't already. Of course the gym is important too. I'm happy to give you some of my old workout routines for building up muscle mass. You should gain 4-6lbs a month pretty easily. After a few months, you should have achieved a more masculine look & those questions with your ID should stop.

 

Why did talking about guy gym stuff feel strange? Hmm that's new.

 

Oh & happy new year!!

 

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

6 hours ago, A Man Da said:

It sounds like if we could swap bodies it would be perfect!!! I'd love to be around 5'5 & slender! I assume you have you tried changing up your diet to help bulk up a bit? When I was trying to gain muscle, I was on a pure carnivore diet. It did work really well! I put on so much muscle so fast! Might be worth you giving it a try, if you haven't already. Of course the gym is important too. I'm happy to give you some of my old workout routines for building up muscle mass. You should gain 4-6lbs a month pretty easily. After a few months, you should have achieved a more masculine look & those questions with your ID should stop.

 

You know, in years past (before I was doing the boy thing) I went to the gym almost daily with my sister.  There's just something different about my body and metabolism.  She's a deputy sheriff now, and has put on a bit of muscle with her training and exercises over the years.  I can eat the same things and do similar exercises, and I'm still slender.  Decent muscle tone, just tiny.  My metabolism seems to compensate for whatever I eat, which is a minor miracle in my 30s.  My GF is jealous that I can eat large portions of cheesecake and other high calorie foods, and it has pretty much no effect.

 

While I can eat whatever I want, if I ate tons of meat I'd start to feel sluggish and off-balance.  I prefer a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables.  I tend to eat things for two reasons - the first is "because it is easy."  The second is "because I want it."  In both cases, fruits and vegetables usually make the list before other items.  I crave sugar more than protein, so I'm usually caught nibbling on a pear or a handful of berries. 

 

My doctor has mentioned that perhaps my slightly odd hormone balance affects my diet preferences and inability to gain weight, but I've declined the hormone treatments I've been offered.  The possible issues it could cause just aren't worth it to me.  I've noticed a truth about life and medical stuff - there's always a price to pay for any benefit you receive.  Whether its a high financial cost or an unwanted side effect, there's always a price.  For me, its easier just to live with what I've got, even if that means my metamorphosis into my boy form is only partial. 

 

 

[Birdie]

I'm coming from the other end of the spectrum. I eat about 1200-1500 calories per day, and only eat what the dietitian prescribes me. I'm overweight!

 

They didn't believe my food log sheet until I showed them my grocery receipts. I only buy veggies and lean meats with a bag of rice every few months. 

 

I'm very curvy! My curves didn't go very well while I was in boy-mode. All my weight goes right to my hips and butt. Also the DDD chest doesn't help in boy-mode. 

 

About two years ago I stopped pretending to be a boy. Except for being obviously intersex 'down there', my body now fits my preferred gender. 

 

My ID however claims me to be male, and it's not believable. I get very strange looks from people when I showed them my ID. 

[A Man Da]

4 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

You know, in years past (before I was doing the boy thing) I went to the gym almost daily with my sister.  There's just something different about my body and metabolism.  She's a deputy sheriff now, and has put on a bit of muscle with her training and exercises over the years.  I can eat the same things and do similar exercises, and I'm still slender.  Decent muscle tone, just tiny.  My metabolism seems to compensate for whatever I eat, which is a minor miracle in my 30s.  My GF is jealous that I can eat large portions of cheesecake and other high calorie foods, and it has pretty much no effect.

 

While I can eat whatever I want, if I ate tons of meat I'd start to feel sluggish and off-balance.  I prefer a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables.  I tend to eat things for two reasons - the first is "because it is easy."  The second is "because I want it."  In both cases, fruits and vegetables usually make the list before other items.  I crave sugar more than protein, so I'm usually caught nibbling on a pear or a handful of berries. 

 

My doctor has mentioned that perhaps my slightly odd hormone balance affects my diet preferences and inability to gain weight, but I've declined the hormone treatments I've been offered.  The possible issues it could cause just aren't worth it to me.  I've noticed a truth about life and medical stuff - there's always a price to pay for any benefit you receive.  Whether its a high financial cost or an unwanted side effect, there's always a price.  For me, its easier just to live with what I've got, even if that means my metamorphosis into my boy form is only partial. 

 

 

I think I'm going to share your GFs view, you are so lucky to have a metabolism like that (from my viewpoint). If I even look at anything remotely sugary I gain 10lbs. Same applies to carbohydrates. So fruit, veggies are all off the table. Everyone's body works differently though. So what works for one person may not for another.

 

So true there's always a price. If you are happy in yourself then why change it. 🩷

[Ashley0616]

Well I wanted to extend a late warm welcome. I completley understand about just looking at food and gaining weight. I'm onto the VA which are there for the USA veterans about getting gastric bypass surgery. I'm at 230.6 lbs. when I used to weigh 218. I would love to get down to 160. 

[Guest]

On 12/21/2023 at 11:07 PM, A Man Da said:

Hi everyone. This is going to be something very difficult for me to write and admit, & I feel really vulnerable writing it so please bear with me.

 

My male name is Adam & i am 32. My actual name (as i feel it should be, keeping parts of myself, is Amanda). I was born male (obviously) but I have never actually felt 'right'. It's something I have been fighting for years. I remember when we would go to my aunt & uncles (who had daughters 4 and 2 years older than me) when I was a kid, I used to play with my cousins barbie dolls & loved it! I was 7 or 8 years old when I 1st started doing this. I remember when I was about 11 being asked about it by my mum. I lied to her and said I was playing cars, like a good boy. This is because it had a barbie & Ken doll van. It felt right playing with it though & I wasn't playing cars!

 

I made sure that I didn't do anything else perceived as 'gay' again because my family (I am the youngest of 4, 2 brothers 1 sister) would kind of shame me for doing it, saying playing with barbie was 'gay'. I tried to 'man up' and completely stopped playing when I went to my cousins house. I felt like I was in the closet this whole time! Another Aunt would ask me everytime I saw her, after I turned 14, have I got a girlfriend. The answer would always be no! That's because I'm just not that into girls (probably 50:50 girls v guys). This went on for years until I moved away from family. I felt under pressure to conform to what was expected of me. I had to get a girlfriend, be into football and building works, etc. Honestly, I just wanted to be pretty & liked by people my age. When I left, I felt a degree of freedom. But I would still get questioned every time I spoke to family, have you got a girlfriend yet? I felt so under pressure to be who they wanted me to be, I finally 'conformed' & got a GF & lost my heterosexual virginity (more on that later, when I'm comfortable enough) when I was 25. 

 

The bad thing, I'm still with that person almost 8 years later! We haven't actually been intimate for coming up to 4 years. This is because I have not been attracted to her for quite some time. I have always been k8nd of awkward around women, not because i was attracted to them (sometimes I was) but more because i was wishing i was them! Now, I honestly & am more attracted to men & feel like I should have my nails done, have beautiful long jet black hair, wear a sexy purple dress & red lingerie & be loved by someone for who I actually am. Be that a male or a pre-op MTF, because I love the female body (wish I had a body like that of my own). 

 

This is something I have been fighting for a very long time. The honest truth, I am miserable doing this. None of this feels right! I am not meant to be a man. I have been trying my best to do the male things, provide 'food on the table', for want of a better metaphor. I hate it! Every time me & partner were up against it, it was up to me as the man to step up. I did it because I do love my partner, just not in an attractive way. But I hated having to be the man because its just not me!!! She gets to look pretty every day, do her makeup, wear pretty clothes & be how I want to be, whilst I'm having to be the 'man'. I look at her with such jealousy that she gets to be her. It is something that has become even stronger as I get older.

 

Recently I have been wearing lipstick (in private from everyone), & I've secretly been wearing my partners underwear. It feels so right when I do this! I look at myself in the mirror and actually feel a degree of love to myself, instead of thinking I'm a failure of a 'man', because I am not meant to be a man!!! I feel so unattractive as a guy, I actually have turned my feelings off to almost everything, because it feels so wrong! But when I am being more feminine, all those bad feelings go away & feel good about myself.

 

I have also looked at buying things I think I would sexy in. I did the face swap AI, I think I would so good as a women! Every time I look at the image, I think she is who I am meant to be. And there's some red lingerie I've seen, I think i would so good in! I get excited thinking about it!

 

My partner is off next week for Christmas & new year, so opportunities to wear womens clothes & makeup is out. The week after though, I will have the house to myself & I plan to order the women's clothes (cute purple dress I like too) & wear it when she is at work.

 

I want to become a women, full transition & reassignment. It feels right at the moment! But I am terrified what my partner, family & work will think & act like if I actually went through with this. But I feel like I have to do this. 

 

I've acted like the manly man, overcompensating for my true femininity. It will be a huge shock to everyone if I come out.

 

If anyone has experienced something similar, I need your help. I don't know what to do. I need help & advice!

 

I've attached the picture of what I'd look like as a women. I think I'm quite cute!! She is Amanda, who I want to be!

Dear Amanda, You would be stunnig as a woman! I like you have gone through the same things. Only being born in a time where trans people were thought of as freaks, there was no positive support for me. I suffered so many years wishing I could be a girl. So envious of all the pretty dresses they wore and the ability to show their feelings, to cry and be hugged when they hurt.  I pushed it all away.  Hid it from myself.  But I've always crossdressed and I have gotten so good at it. I completely pass in public, even though that's not for everyone it is for me. And I go out quite often. The more I do the more confident I get. And now I want to complete myself. So I'm on HRT because luckily in the US we have informed consent. As long as I acknowledge the risks and consequences of hormone therapy, I can be prescribed them. So it's so beautiful to know I am having estrogen therapy. I hope you can start your journey soon. Sincerely, Emily Rose

[A Man Da]

12 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

Well I wanted to extend a late warm welcome. I completley understand about just looking at food and gaining weight. I'm onto the VA which are there for the USA veterans about getting gastric bypass surgery. I'm at 230.6 lbs. when I used to weigh 218. I would love to get down to 160. 

Hey Ashley,

 

Thank you for the welcome. Wow, a gastric bypass is a big thing to do. How are you with dieting? For me, I know I can drop weight if I'm strict with myself. Last year I managed to lose 55lbs. Gained 10 back by looking at deserts the wrong way. But I know if I'm super strict I can do it!

 

Of course if you feel a gastric bypass is for you, then go & do it! Being 230lbs isn't that bad at all. I'd love to be 230, but I am quite tall. 

 

I wish you all the best for 2024.

🩷 Amanda

[A Man Da]

Hi everyone,

 

Happy 1st day of 2024!

 

So the last 2 days have been quite difficult for me. I have to be the same old guy me the last 2 days. I'm finding it progressively more difficult. Yesterday me & partner were browsing amazon for new best sheets for my bed (we sleep in separate rooms). She picked some god awful clad pattern. Looked so boring!!! I saw a set I really wanted. It was a pink rose that honestly looked so pretty. Of course I couldn't say I wanted that, but constantly denying yourself things & putting everyone else 1st is getting to be so hard. Especially when she said "oh I thought you'd like that because it's manly". We ended up picking something that's kinda boring, it's not me at all, but whatever. I will just put myself back in prison & get things I don't really want & play the role. 

 

I ended up going to bed at 830 because I just couldn't take anymore. I tend to go silent when I'm sad & upset. I have been basically in silence the last 2 days. Now my partner is asking me if I'm OK all the time, & I have to lie & be like I'm fine. When I actually feel like I'm dying inside this last 2 days. 

 

I had a momentary bit of relief today when I popped to the shop by myself. I could sing along to my songs going to the shops, do more feminine movements & be more myself. Its been the highlight of the day! 

 

Now it's getting so hard to pretend to be the 'manly man', when actually, I feel like a girly girl! If I was by myself, I'd have put holographic nail polish on (I was looking at that earlier, it's pretty!), I'd dress totally differently, move different, watch different things (love a chick flick) , act different. It's like I'm being forced back into prison & it's really got me down the last 2 days.

 

Tomorrow should be better. I won't need to be in man mode all day. I can actually be myself for a good 7 hours. 

[Ashley0616]

2 hours ago, A Man Da said:

Hey Ashley,

 

Thank you for the welcome. Wow, a gastric bypass is a big thing to do. How are you with dieting? For me, I know I can drop weight if I'm strict with myself. Last year I managed to lose 55lbs. Gained 10 back by looking at deserts the wrong way. But I know if I'm super strict I can do it!

 

Of course if you feel a gastric bypass is for you, then go & do it! Being 230lbs isn't that bad at all. I'd love to be 230, but I am quite tall. 

 

I wish you all the best for 2024.

🩷 Amanda

I can't lose weight. I take Ozempic for being a diabetic and it's almost maxed out. I'm also taking diet pills with my daily workout. I have only gained weight. I'm also on 6 psych meds. 5 of them the side effects are weight loss and only one side effect to the other is weight gain. I eat chicken, vegetables, healthy soups, and eggs. They said that well hormones are probably the cause and I simply ask them how are other trans women lose weight. I have been proving to them that my weight has been increasing even they show at the bimonthly weigh ins. I wished I could lose weight naturally because after the surgery you give up a lot of things but if I have to do that to lose weight than so be it. 

[Birdie]

4 hours ago, A Man Da said:

Hi everyone,

 

Happy 1st day of 2024!

 

So the last 2 days have been quite difficult for me. I have to be the same old guy me the last 2 days. I'm finding it progressively more difficult. Yesterday me & partner were browsing amazon for new best sheets for my bed (we sleep in separate rooms). She picked some god awful clad pattern. Looked so boring!!! I saw a set I really wanted. It was a pink rose that honestly looked so pretty. Of course I couldn't say I wanted that, but constantly denying yourself things & putting everyone else 1st is getting to be so hard. Especially when she said "oh I thought you'd like that because it's manly". We ended up picking something that's kinda boring, it's not me at all, but whatever. I will just put myself back in prison & get things I don't really want & play the role. 

 

I ended up going to bed at 830 because I just couldn't take anymore. I tend to go silent when I'm sad & upset. I have been basically in silence the last 2 days. Now my partner is asking me if I'm OK all the time, & I have to lie & be like I'm fine. When I actually feel like I'm dying inside this last 2 days. 

 

I had a momentary bit of relief today when I popped to the shop by myself. I could sing along to my songs going to the shops, do more feminine movements & be more myself. Its been the highlight of the day! 

 

Now it's getting so hard to pretend to be the 'manly man', when actually, I feel like a girly girl! If I was by myself, I'd have put holographic nail polish on (I was looking at that earlier, it's pretty!), I'd dress totally differently, move different, watch different things (love a chick flick) , act different. It's like I'm being forced back into prison & it's really got me down the last 2 days.

 

Tomorrow should be better. I won't need to be in man mode all day. I can actually be myself for a good 7 hours. 

I did 45 years of boy-mode because of family and a S.O., I'll never do that again. I agree it's like being in prison. 

Luckily many of my hobbies were quite useful (cooking, baking, sewing, and knitting), so I have always been able to at least do those things. 

 

@A Man Da, I attend a medical day-centre (I'm disabled) where they have a 'dress-your-gender' policy. It's quite disturbing, but I have figured out a compromise. 

I wear blue jeans, trousers, and shorts, but off the women's rack. I also wear blouses and T's, also off the women's rack. 

Everything I own is off the women's rack, but my day-centre attire is quite androgynous. I also wear lip gloss and style my hair whilst attending. 

I found I quite like the androgynous look, and will wear the same out shopping as well. I do have dresses and skirts, but like most women save those for special occasions.  

I wear my hair and nails a bit long, and I prepare for my day as the woman I am everyday. 💞💃💞

[Keera]

Hi Amanda,I really think you are making life far more difficult for yourself than it should be.Putting it bluntly you have just got to 'come out' to your partner.You are making your life a misery.Your imagination is running riot about all the terrible consequences if you do 'come out'.What 'terrible' thing can happen if you tell the truth about yourself? I can assure you no 'terrible' thing will happen.It may well turn out to be the happiest day of your life.

How you choose to do it is up to you.You can use any amount of subtlety you wish to make it as easy as possible for youself.Don't you want to be that pretty girl wearing pretty clothes? I know you do.Stop denying yourself that dream for no reason and talk to your partner today.........stop your imaginings nothing bad will happen.

Love Keera

[Mysti]

Amanda, your story resonated with me on soooo many levels. As a transwoman and the youngest of 3 (2 brothers), I experienced a lot of the same childhood "phobias" based on my behavior as a child. I also played with dolls while I was with my cousins as a child. My father at the time was a drill sergeant in the Army and had his own expectations of how his children should and shouldn't act as "boys". I was deep in my closet for most of my life; through 3 marriages to women (all against my own moral obligation) in order to gain his acceptance and show him just how "manly" I could be. While married, I would wear my wives clothes and feel liberated and free. I finally realized, after years of being an alcoholic and addict, that somewhere in my life, I had taken the wrong path. I was, for so long, focused on what he wanted and making him happy, that I completely neglected what was right for me. I knew that I couldn't live this way anymore and that no matter what, I was going to be exactly who I was destined to be........A WOMAN!!! Stay true to who you are. Losing family and friends after coming out is something that unfortunately many of us have had to experience. It doesn't feel good; however, the family that you gain within the trans community can fill a huge part of the hole that is created. Love yourself. You're strong and you definitely know what you want. Nobody can give it to you, you just have to reach out and take it.

[Charleigh Dakota]

Welcome to the Forum Amanda. We are glad you are here!! I enjoyed reading your story and find a lot of similarities in myself during my early years of questioning before I found my path to transition. I have written a nice "coming out" letter (Posted here under the Coming Out forum) that I read to my mother and it really explains a lot about who I am and how I felt throughout life...and I feel this was vital in her accepting me as her daughter instead. While this would not necessarily answer your questions you bring up in this post, I think it might help you process and find affirmation within yourself and hopefully, help give you the courage to open up to your partner so you can live as yourself and be truly happy....Also, another thing I did as part of my self confirmation was when I started living as a female at home...I found peace and affirmation by singing and dancing to songs that were about girls...for example, several country songs where a guy is singing about a girl...I imagined myself as that girl in each song and I closed my eyes and danced and sang and let my inner girl out...and it felt so right...that really helped me gain surety that I was in fact a girl and while that is not by any means an inclusive or exclusive manner and should not be solely relied upon...I think if you do that it will help you grow stronger as a female and give you more confidence to present to your partner so you no longer have to hide from them. The sense of liberation is unbelievable and every step you take toward becoming your true self is filled with scary but beautiful feelings and experiences. Nobody can tell you what to do or how to do it as we are all individuals and all have our own way we need to transition, or not transition, but the people on this site are so amazing and you will find great comfort in all of our friendships. Again, welcome and we look forward to building beautiful friendships with you.