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Hi, I'm Amanda


A Man Da

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On 12/29/2023 at 1:43 PM, Timi said:

HI Amanda! Thank you for sharing and asking. What I'm hearing from you is that you're trying to figure out the best way to say, "Hey, can we talk?" to your fiancee. And I'm just supposing, but I can't help thinking that your fiancee wants to talk before you "propose again."

 

Regardless, just from thinking about my life and thinking about what I've been reading of other's experiences here, talking in depth before proposing again sounds like a really really good idea. 

 

It sounds like you two have a good relationship - and it also sounds like there is still wonder about whether it is a marriage-type relationship. Such a tough question. 

 

My life has been characterized by easy friendly relationships with women that went absolutely nowhere sexually, contrary to my desires. Seems like I always fit in the role of "good girlfriend" rather than "good boyfriend" - even though I was deeply trying to repress my femininity! I think it would have been so much more helpful if I had the clarity about my gender identity that you have (I would not have even admitted to myself that I was "questioning"). I also think it would have been much more helpful to me when it came to sexual intimacy. I think when it comes to transgender people, we can be ... unexpectedly different (and wonderful) than what is expected of us (and what we may expect of ourselves) based simply on our body structure. I think it is so helpful to have a relationship that has room for that kind of freedom from sexual stereotypes.

 

I'm totally rambling here. Probably oversharing my own issues and struggles under the guise of being "helpful", and I apologize for that. I should probably delete this and rewrite when my thoughts are more clear, but I won't.

 

Sigh.

 

Please take care, Amanda! I wish the best for you as you navigate these paths!

 

-Timi 

Hey Timi,

 

I have been thinking about this. I am not even sure if it is a 'hey let's talk'. We both know the other person knows & nobody has said anything. This is the part that feels weird. I am getting the feeling neither one of us wants to start the conversation because I think it is likely a ending relationship talk too. I'm not the person she thought she was going to marry. I think it is taking time to come to that realisation, hence we have given eachother space. Today she watched her TV show upstairs, I was downstairs having a bottle of prosecco watching Kardashians, makeup tutorials & outfit browsing. Loved doing it BTW!

 

I am sooooo glad I have stopped trying to fight how I actually feel with the BS, men should be stoic & not care how they feel thing & be super manly. That's rubbish!!! Only ends up with you feeling miserable 24/7. Did for me anyway.

 

Now that I have let go, I finally know what it feels like to actually feel good about yourself. And to look in the mirror & not feel disdain at the person looking back at you. It's like I have been imprisoned my whole life and now I have just been released. I finally get to live life for me instead of trying to live up to whats expected of me. I do think it's taken a little longer to come to this realisation because I have been born into this huge frame (I'm 6'5, booo) and its been an additional hurdle for me to climb over.

 

But honestly at the moment, I feel like a goddess. To have gone from never having felt comfortable in my own skin before, to wearing some womens clothes (my own now, not things that I 'borrowed'), looking in the mirror & feeling good about yourself, it's an entirely new feeling to me, in a good way!

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14 minutes ago, A Man Da said:

Hey Timi,

...,I finally know what it feels like to actually feel good about yourself. ... I feel like a goddess. To have gone from never having felt comfortable in my own skin before, to wearing some womens clothes (my own now, not things that I 'borrowed'), looking in the mirror & feeling good about yourself, it's an entirely new feeling to me, in a good way!

Thank you for this, Amanda! Your whole post made me smile!

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25 minutes ago, A Man Da said:

I have been thinking about this. I am not even sure if it is a 'hey let's talk'. We both know the other person knows & nobody has said anything. This is the part that feels weird. I am getting the feeling neither one of us wants to start the conversation because I think it is likely a ending relationship talk too. I'm not the person she thought she was going to marry. I think it is taking time to come to that realisation, hence we have given eachother space. Today she watched her TV show upstairs, I was downstairs having a bottle of prosecco watching Kardashians, makeup tutorials & outfit browsing. Loved doing it BTW!

 

 I do think it's taken a little longer to come to this realisation because I have been born into this huge frame (I'm 6'5, booo) and its been an additional hurdle for me to climb over.

 

Id say that if you're watching makeup tutorials and looking at outfits, it is likely that your partner knows.  You just haven't reached the point of having that potentially life-changing talk yet.  And that's OK, if you've got an unspoken mutual agreement to not rush it.  

 

I can understand feeling like your body size/height doesn't match who you feel like you want to be.  I'm coming at it from the opposite side.  I'm more than a foot shorter than you, and I'm too slender at 100 lbs.  Nobody takes me seriously as an adult in my boy form.  Pretty frustrating to try to buy a bottle of wine and every store acts like I have a fake ID 🙄

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21 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

Id say that if you're watching makeup tutorials and looking at outfits, it is likely that your partner knows.  You just haven't reached the point of having that potentially life-changing talk yet.  And that's OK, if you've got an unspoken mutual agreement to not rush it.  

 

I can understand feeling like your body size/height doesn't match who you feel like you want to be.  I'm coming at it from the opposite side.  I'm more than a foot shorter than you, and I'm too slender at 100 lbs.  Nobody takes me seriously as an adult in my boy form.  Pretty frustrating to try to buy a bottle of wine and every store acts like I have a fake ID 🙄

Hi, 

 

It sounds like if we could swap bodies it would be perfect!!! I'd love to be around 5'5 & slender! I assume you have you tried changing up your diet to help bulk up a bit? When I was trying to gain muscle, I was on a pure carnivore diet. It did work really well! I put on so much muscle so fast! Might be worth you giving it a try, if you haven't already. Of course the gym is important too. I'm happy to give you some of my old workout routines for building up muscle mass. You should gain 4-6lbs a month pretty easily. After a few months, you should have achieved a more masculine look & those questions with your ID should stop.

 

Why did talking about guy gym stuff feel strange? Hmm that's new.

 

Oh & happy new year!!

 

 

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6 hours ago, A Man Da said:

It sounds like if we could swap bodies it would be perfect!!! I'd love to be around 5'5 & slender! I assume you have you tried changing up your diet to help bulk up a bit? When I was trying to gain muscle, I was on a pure carnivore diet. It did work really well! I put on so much muscle so fast! Might be worth you giving it a try, if you haven't already. Of course the gym is important too. I'm happy to give you some of my old workout routines for building up muscle mass. You should gain 4-6lbs a month pretty easily. After a few months, you should have achieved a more masculine look & those questions with your ID should stop.

 

You know, in years past (before I was doing the boy thing) I went to the gym almost daily with my sister.  There's just something different about my body and metabolism.  She's a deputy sheriff now, and has put on a bit of muscle with her training and exercises over the years.  I can eat the same things and do similar exercises, and I'm still slender.  Decent muscle tone, just tiny.  My metabolism seems to compensate for whatever I eat, which is a minor miracle in my 30s.  My GF is jealous that I can eat large portions of cheesecake and other high calorie foods, and it has pretty much no effect.

 

While I can eat whatever I want, if I ate tons of meat I'd start to feel sluggish and off-balance.  I prefer a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables.  I tend to eat things for two reasons - the first is "because it is easy."  The second is "because I want it."  In both cases, fruits and vegetables usually make the list before other items.  I crave sugar more than protein, so I'm usually caught nibbling on a pear or a handful of berries. 

 

My doctor has mentioned that perhaps my slightly odd hormone balance affects my diet preferences and inability to gain weight, but I've declined the hormone treatments I've been offered.  The possible issues it could cause just aren't worth it to me.  I've noticed a truth about life and medical stuff - there's always a price to pay for any benefit you receive.  Whether its a high financial cost or an unwanted side effect, there's always a price.  For me, its easier just to live with what I've got, even if that means my metamorphosis into my boy form is only partial. 

 

 

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I'm coming from the other end of the spectrum. I eat about 1200-1500 calories per day, and only eat what the dietitian prescribes me. I'm overweight!

 

They didn't believe my food log sheet until I showed them my grocery receipts. I only buy veggies and lean meats with a bag of rice every few months. 

 

I'm very curvy! My curves didn't go very well while I was in boy-mode. All my weight goes right to my hips and butt. Also the DDD chest doesn't help in boy-mode. 

 

About two years ago I stopped pretending to be a boy. Except for being obviously intersex 'down there', my body now fits my preferred gender. 

 

My ID however claims me to be male, and it's not believable. I get very strange looks from people when I showed them my ID. 

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4 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

You know, in years past (before I was doing the boy thing) I went to the gym almost daily with my sister.  There's just something different about my body and metabolism.  She's a deputy sheriff now, and has put on a bit of muscle with her training and exercises over the years.  I can eat the same things and do similar exercises, and I'm still slender.  Decent muscle tone, just tiny.  My metabolism seems to compensate for whatever I eat, which is a minor miracle in my 30s.  My GF is jealous that I can eat large portions of cheesecake and other high calorie foods, and it has pretty much no effect.

 

While I can eat whatever I want, if I ate tons of meat I'd start to feel sluggish and off-balance.  I prefer a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables.  I tend to eat things for two reasons - the first is "because it is easy."  The second is "because I want it."  In both cases, fruits and vegetables usually make the list before other items.  I crave sugar more than protein, so I'm usually caught nibbling on a pear or a handful of berries. 

 

My doctor has mentioned that perhaps my slightly odd hormone balance affects my diet preferences and inability to gain weight, but I've declined the hormone treatments I've been offered.  The possible issues it could cause just aren't worth it to me.  I've noticed a truth about life and medical stuff - there's always a price to pay for any benefit you receive.  Whether its a high financial cost or an unwanted side effect, there's always a price.  For me, its easier just to live with what I've got, even if that means my metamorphosis into my boy form is only partial. 

 

 

I think I'm going to share your GFs view, you are so lucky to have a metabolism like that (from my viewpoint). If I even look at anything remotely sugary I gain 10lbs. Same applies to carbohydrates. So fruit, veggies are all off the table. Everyone's body works differently though. So what works for one person may not for another.

 

So true there's always a price. If you are happy in yourself then why change it. 🩷

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Well I wanted to extend a late warm welcome. I completley understand about just looking at food and gaining weight. I'm onto the VA which are there for the USA veterans about getting gastric bypass surgery. I'm at 230.6 lbs. when I used to weigh 218. I would love to get down to 160. 

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On 12/21/2023 at 11:07 PM, A Man Da said:

Hi everyone. This is going to be something very difficult for me to write and admit, & I feel really vulnerable writing it so please bear with me.

 

My male name is Adam & i am 32. My actual name (as i feel it should be, keeping parts of myself, is Amanda). I was born male (obviously) but I have never actually felt 'right'. It's something I have been fighting for years. I remember when we would go to my aunt & uncles (who had daughters 4 and 2 years older than me) when I was a kid, I used to play with my cousins barbie dolls & loved it! I was 7 or 8 years old when I 1st started doing this. I remember when I was about 11 being asked about it by my mum. I lied to her and said I was playing cars, like a good boy. This is because it had a barbie & Ken doll van. It felt right playing with it though & I wasn't playing cars!

 

I made sure that I didn't do anything else perceived as 'gay' again because my family (I am the youngest of 4, 2 brothers 1 sister) would kind of shame me for doing it, saying playing with barbie was 'gay'. I tried to 'man up' and completely stopped playing when I went to my cousins house. I felt like I was in the closet this whole time! Another Aunt would ask me everytime I saw her, after I turned 14, have I got a girlfriend. The answer would always be no! That's because I'm just not that into girls (probably 50:50 girls v guys). This went on for years until I moved away from family. I felt under pressure to conform to what was expected of me. I had to get a girlfriend, be into football and building works, etc. Honestly, I just wanted to be pretty & liked by people my age. When I left, I felt a degree of freedom. But I would still get questioned every time I spoke to family, have you got a girlfriend yet? I felt so under pressure to be who they wanted me to be, I finally 'conformed' & got a GF & lost my heterosexual virginity (more on that later, when I'm comfortable enough) when I was 25. 

 

The bad thing, I'm still with that person almost 8 years later! We haven't actually been intimate for coming up to 4 years. This is because I have not been attracted to her for quite some time. I have always been k8nd of awkward around women, not because i was attracted to them (sometimes I was) but more because i was wishing i was them! Now, I honestly & am more attracted to men & feel like I should have my nails done, have beautiful long jet black hair, wear a sexy purple dress & red lingerie & be loved by someone for who I actually am. Be that a male or a pre-op MTF, because I love the female body (wish I had a body like that of my own). 

 

This is something I have been fighting for a very long time. The honest truth, I am miserable doing this. None of this feels right! I am not meant to be a man. I have been trying my best to do the male things, provide 'food on the table', for want of a better metaphor. I hate it! Every time me & partner were up against it, it was up to me as the man to step up. I did it because I do love my partner, just not in an attractive way. But I hated having to be the man because its just not me!!! She gets to look pretty every day, do her makeup, wear pretty clothes & be how I want to be, whilst I'm having to be the 'man'. I look at her with such jealousy that she gets to be her. It is something that has become even stronger as I get older.

 

Recently I have been wearing lipstick (in private from everyone), & I've secretly been wearing my partners underwear. It feels so right when I do this! I look at myself in the mirror and actually feel a degree of love to myself, instead of thinking I'm a failure of a 'man', because I am not meant to be a man!!! I feel so unattractive as a guy, I actually have turned my feelings off to almost everything, because it feels so wrong! But when I am being more feminine, all those bad feelings go away & feel good about myself.

 

I have also looked at buying things I think I would sexy in. I did the face swap AI, I think I would so good as a women! Every time I look at the image, I think she is who I am meant to be. And there's some red lingerie I've seen, I think i would so good in! I get excited thinking about it!

 

My partner is off next week for Christmas & new year, so opportunities to wear womens clothes & makeup is out. The week after though, I will have the house to myself & I plan to order the women's clothes (cute purple dress I like too) & wear it when she is at work.

 

I want to become a women, full transition & reassignment. It feels right at the moment! But I am terrified what my partner, family & work will think & act like if I actually went through with this. But I feel like I have to do this. 

 

I've acted like the manly man, overcompensating for my true femininity. It will be a huge shock to everyone if I come out.

 

If anyone has experienced something similar, I need your help. I don't know what to do. I need help & advice!

 

I've attached the picture of what I'd look like as a women. I think I'm quite cute!! She is Amanda, who I want to be!

20231116_091658.jpg

Dear Amanda, You would be stunnig as a woman! I like you have gone through the same things. Only being born in a time where trans people were thought of as freaks, there was no positive support for me. I suffered so many years wishing I could be a girl. So envious of all the pretty dresses they wore and the ability to show their feelings, to cry and be hugged when they hurt.  I pushed it all away.  Hid it from myself.  But I've always crossdressed and I have gotten so good at it. I completely pass in public, even though that's not for everyone it is for me. And I go out quite often. The more I do the more confident I get. And now I want to complete myself. So I'm on HRT because luckily in the US we have informed consent. As long as I acknowledge the risks and consequences of hormone therapy, I can be prescribed them. So it's so beautiful to know I am having estrogen therapy. I hope you can start your journey soon. Sincerely, Emily Rose

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12 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

Well I wanted to extend a late warm welcome. I completley understand about just looking at food and gaining weight. I'm onto the VA which are there for the USA veterans about getting gastric bypass surgery. I'm at 230.6 lbs. when I used to weigh 218. I would love to get down to 160. 

Hey Ashley,

 

Thank you for the welcome. Wow, a gastric bypass is a big thing to do. How are you with dieting? For me, I know I can drop weight if I'm strict with myself. Last year I managed to lose 55lbs. Gained 10 back by looking at deserts the wrong way. But I know if I'm super strict I can do it!

 

Of course if you feel a gastric bypass is for you, then go & do it! Being 230lbs isn't that bad at all. I'd love to be 230, but I am quite tall. 

 

I wish you all the best for 2024.

🩷 Amanda

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Hi everyone,

 

Happy 1st day of 2024!

 

So the last 2 days have been quite difficult for me. I have to be the same old guy me the last 2 days. I'm finding it progressively more difficult. Yesterday me & partner were browsing amazon for new best sheets for my bed (we sleep in separate rooms). She picked some god awful clad pattern. Looked so boring!!! I saw a set I really wanted. It was a pink rose that honestly looked so pretty. Of course I couldn't say I wanted that, but constantly denying yourself things & putting everyone else 1st is getting to be so hard. Especially when she said "oh I thought you'd like that because it's manly". We ended up picking something that's kinda boring, it's not me at all, but whatever. I will just put myself back in prison & get things I don't really want & play the role. 

 

I ended up going to bed at 830 because I just couldn't take anymore. I tend to go silent when I'm sad & upset. I have been basically in silence the last 2 days. Now my partner is asking me if I'm OK all the time, & I have to lie & be like I'm fine. When I actually feel like I'm dying inside this last 2 days. 

 

I had a momentary bit of relief today when I popped to the shop by myself. I could sing along to my songs going to the shops, do more feminine movements & be more myself. Its been the highlight of the day! 

 

Now it's getting so hard to pretend to be the 'manly man', when actually, I feel like a girly girl! If I was by myself, I'd have put holographic nail polish on (I was looking at that earlier, it's pretty!), I'd dress totally differently, move different, watch different things (love a chick flick) , act different. It's like I'm being forced back into prison & it's really got me down the last 2 days.

 

Tomorrow should be better. I won't need to be in man mode all day. I can actually be myself for a good 7 hours. 

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2 hours ago, A Man Da said:

Hey Ashley,

 

Thank you for the welcome. Wow, a gastric bypass is a big thing to do. How are you with dieting? For me, I know I can drop weight if I'm strict with myself. Last year I managed to lose 55lbs. Gained 10 back by looking at deserts the wrong way. But I know if I'm super strict I can do it!

 

Of course if you feel a gastric bypass is for you, then go & do it! Being 230lbs isn't that bad at all. I'd love to be 230, but I am quite tall. 

 

I wish you all the best for 2024.

🩷 Amanda

I can't lose weight. I take Ozempic for being a diabetic and it's almost maxed out. I'm also taking diet pills with my daily workout. I have only gained weight. I'm also on 6 psych meds. 5 of them the side effects are weight loss and only one side effect to the other is weight gain. I eat chicken, vegetables, healthy soups, and eggs. They said that well hormones are probably the cause and I simply ask them how are other trans women lose weight. I have been proving to them that my weight has been increasing even they show at the bimonthly weigh ins. I wished I could lose weight naturally because after the surgery you give up a lot of things but if I have to do that to lose weight than so be it. 

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4 hours ago, A Man Da said:

Hi everyone,

 

Happy 1st day of 2024!

 

So the last 2 days have been quite difficult for me. I have to be the same old guy me the last 2 days. I'm finding it progressively more difficult. Yesterday me & partner were browsing amazon for new best sheets for my bed (we sleep in separate rooms). She picked some god awful clad pattern. Looked so boring!!! I saw a set I really wanted. It was a pink rose that honestly looked so pretty. Of course I couldn't say I wanted that, but constantly denying yourself things & putting everyone else 1st is getting to be so hard. Especially when she said "oh I thought you'd like that because it's manly". We ended up picking something that's kinda boring, it's not me at all, but whatever. I will just put myself back in prison & get things I don't really want & play the role. 

 

I ended up going to bed at 830 because I just couldn't take anymore. I tend to go silent when I'm sad & upset. I have been basically in silence the last 2 days. Now my partner is asking me if I'm OK all the time, & I have to lie & be like I'm fine. When I actually feel like I'm dying inside this last 2 days. 

 

I had a momentary bit of relief today when I popped to the shop by myself. I could sing along to my songs going to the shops, do more feminine movements & be more myself. Its been the highlight of the day! 

 

Now it's getting so hard to pretend to be the 'manly man', when actually, I feel like a girly girl! If I was by myself, I'd have put holographic nail polish on (I was looking at that earlier, it's pretty!), I'd dress totally differently, move different, watch different things (love a chick flick) , act different. It's like I'm being forced back into prison & it's really got me down the last 2 days.

 

Tomorrow should be better. I won't need to be in man mode all day. I can actually be myself for a good 7 hours. 

I did 45 years of boy-mode because of family and a S.O., I'll never do that again. I agree it's like being in prison. 

Luckily many of my hobbies were quite useful (cooking, baking, sewing, and knitting), so I have always been able to at least do those things. 

 

@A Man Da, I attend a medical day-centre (I'm disabled) where they have a 'dress-your-gender' policy. It's quite disturbing, but I have figured out a compromise. 

I wear blue jeans, trousers, and shorts, but off the women's rack. I also wear blouses and T's, also off the women's rack. 

Everything I own is off the women's rack, but my day-centre attire is quite androgynous. I also wear lip gloss and style my hair whilst attending. 

I found I quite like the androgynous look, and will wear the same out shopping as well. I do have dresses and skirts, but like most women save those for special occasions.  

I wear my hair and nails a bit long, and I prepare for my day as the woman I am everyday. 💞💃💞

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Hi Amanda,I really think you are making life far more difficult for yourself than it should be.Putting it bluntly you have just got to 'come out' to your partner.You are making your life a misery.Your imagination is running riot about all the terrible consequences if you do 'come out'.What 'terrible' thing can happen if you tell the truth about yourself? I can assure you no 'terrible' thing will happen.It may well turn out to be the happiest day of your life.

How you choose to do it is up to you.You can use any amount of subtlety you wish to make it as easy as possible for youself.Don't you want to be that pretty girl wearing pretty clothes? I know you do.Stop denying yourself that dream for no reason and talk to your partner today.........stop your imaginings nothing bad will happen.

Love Keera

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  • 2 weeks later...

Amanda, your story resonated with me on soooo many levels. As a transwoman and the youngest of 3 (2 brothers), I experienced a lot of the same childhood "phobias" based on my behavior as a child. I also played with dolls while I was with my cousins as a child. My father at the time was a drill sergeant in the Army and had his own expectations of how his children should and shouldn't act as "boys". I was deep in my closet for most of my life; through 3 marriages to women (all against my own moral obligation) in order to gain his acceptance and show him just how "manly" I could be. While married, I would wear my wives clothes and feel liberated and free. I finally realized, after years of being an alcoholic and addict, that somewhere in my life, I had taken the wrong path. I was, for so long, focused on what he wanted and making him happy, that I completely neglected what was right for me. I knew that I couldn't live this way anymore and that no matter what, I was going to be exactly who I was destined to be........A WOMAN!!! Stay true to who you are. Losing family and friends after coming out is something that unfortunately many of us have had to experience. It doesn't feel good; however, the family that you gain within the trans community can fill a huge part of the hole that is created. Love yourself. You're strong and you definitely know what you want. Nobody can give it to you, you just have to reach out and take it.

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Welcome to the Forum Amanda. We are glad you are here!! I enjoyed reading your story and find a lot of similarities in myself during my early years of questioning before I found my path to transition. I have written a nice "coming out" letter (Posted here under the Coming Out forum) that I read to my mother and it really explains a lot about who I am and how I felt throughout life...and I feel this was vital in her accepting me as her daughter instead. While this would not necessarily answer your questions you bring up in this post, I think it might help you process and find affirmation within yourself and hopefully, help give you the courage to open up to your partner so you can live as yourself and be truly happy....Also, another thing I did as part of my self confirmation was when I started living as a female at home...I found peace and affirmation by singing and dancing to songs that were about girls...for example, several country songs where a guy is singing about a girl...I imagined myself as that girl in each song and I closed my eyes and danced and sang and let my inner girl out...and it felt so right...that really helped me gain surety that I was in fact a girl and while that is not by any means an inclusive or exclusive manner and should not be solely relied upon...I think if you do that it will help you grow stronger as a female and give you more confidence to present to your partner so you no longer have to hide from them. The sense of liberation is unbelievable and every step you take toward becoming your true self is filled with scary but beautiful feelings and experiences. Nobody can tell you what to do or how to do it as we are all individuals and all have our own way we need to transition, or not transition, but the people on this site are so amazing and you will find great comfort in all of our friendships. Again, welcome and we look forward to building beautiful friendships with you.

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      I've been looking forward to the legitimate medical groups coming out strongly against Cass' biased and one sided report, so I'm really glad to see the article you posted, @Davie.  Unfortunately, it won't get nearly the coverage that Cass has gotten.  She has done her dirty work.  Hopefully the pushback and investigative reports on her and her support network will result in her work being shown for what it is.  She is a fraud, and sooner or later all frauds are found out.   Carolyn Marie
    • KayC
      CONGRATULATIONS, Jessica!!  That's really BIG! I myself did not experience a huge emotional roller coaster.  It was more like a smooth slide into emotional comfort.  The biggest effect I felt is when my Dr put me on T-blockers first.  I felt a bit 'empty' for a couple of months, but then realized it was just because the 'T-monster' was no longer running around inside of me.  Then I felt it was my new 'normal'. I feel like the estradiol was the 'frosting' on my transition affirmation.  It's been only positives.  I do cry a lot more, but it's only because I finally feel free to allow my emotions to come out.  To me it's not 'hormonal' ... it's FREEDOM!   Everybody is different but it sounds like you are under great care.  I hope you have a beautiful first year in transition on HRT (keep us updated if you can).
    • Desert Fox
      Yeah, whatever happened to “good morning”?  I think “hey you” can also work to address people without offense…”you” can be single or plural so that works for any gender, non binary, or any group of people, and can be pleasantly offensive or neutral.   And I am very familiar with the experience of being “ma’amed” while in boy mode, particularly on the phone by customer support people located outside north America for some reason. 
    • KayC
      I'm hoping this election cycle might finally cause 'that' party to pay a price for such nonsense.
    • Desert Fox
      So nice to hear things are going well for you. Support is huge and that is especially great when it comes from your SO as well as your family and son. I think being happy with one’s own life’s direction can set the stage for not only other successes but attract others who are in alignment with one’s own ideals. it sounds like you are definitely on a positive trajectory!
    • Desert Fox
      There is some progress being made, some positive awakening from those who understand the difference between biology and the societal roles and rules that have been created by humans to separate, restrict and control other humans. Unfortunately so many people are still set in one way of thinking about gender, whether it benefits them directly to do so or they just fail to think about things for themselves for whatever reason, and they often cite religious or other historical sources to try to back up their argument, sources which typically could be open to various interpretations.   Pushing boundaries is what makes progress and it’s what we are meant to do…but most everyone that has pushed a boundary also gets pushback. Most everyone who has disagreed with conventional thought is called a fool or worse; those who invent something get ridiculed and laughed out, then their ideas are stolen for someone else’s profit. We suffer tremendously to push boundaries but ultimately it’s what society needs to evolve.
    • Ashley0616
      Goodness! You sure have been busy! That's really crappy of what your oldest pulled. That part about the talking about getting asked if it's an enhancement was funny. I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it? 
    • Desert Fox
      I read this thread with great interest…thank you, Sally for sharing your life in this detail. As I too identify as bigender, I suppose I am also looking for validation of my experience because I don’t know many transgender individuals that stay in a long-term part-time situation. For most, bigender seems to be a temporary step to fill-time transition or it is more of something someone puts on, as in cross dressing or drag. I have always struggled to explain how someone could legitimately have two identities sharing one body, yet that’s basically how it has been for me for my whole life, all the way back to early childhood.    You and I are roughly in the same era, and growing up with gender variance was different than it is nowadays. Some of our experiences were similar, but generally your life went quite differently than mine.   Back in the day, a part-time person was called a transvestite and a full-timer was called a transsexual (often committing to bottom surgery as well), but I’ve really come to dislike the cross dresser/transvestite label because it tends to be associated with those who are fine with being cis, but like to dress in drag for fun or fetish. And that doesn’t describe all part-timers. I would say that I’m actually a transsexual who chose never to transition, and presenting female part-time is how I have coped with lifelong gender dysphoria. I don’t like myself being male, and never did, I simply accept that I am and have lived most of my life that way and just don’t care to put in the effort and money to transition.  I’m naturally a pretty girly male but I have to add hair, makeup and clothing to present female and I also try to “tone down” my girliness in male form. True androgyny never worked for me; I always switched between male and female looks, but at least that allowed me to use public bathrooms without issue.     I’m very curious - did you have a set of people, ie friends, family, coworkers, who only knew you as “male” and another set who knew you as Sally, with only a few (like your wife) knowing both sides? Such was more or less the case with me. 
    • mattie22
      I feel like a fake sometimes I am not really transfeminine WELL UNDER THEAT UMBRALA but whatever i call it. Like i do not deserve it others know ealer than me and did not identify as their gender at birth well It is more like just enough of me did to get by growing up and there were not many other options on what else i could be and when i got older i just found out about the standard trans people feel like they're born in the wrong body and i saw my self as a male so this could not be me even though it did not comply fit me. even though there is a part of me that likes to be seen and treated like a woman and ideally would probably like to live at least 70 percent of my time as one and perhaps the rest as male but what does this make a freak. also, I am around people who do not like people like me and they are family and do not know. this makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I wonder if I m just some gnc male, who is just using this as an escape if I become a woman for real I do not have to deal with all the crap that comes with being a feminine bisexual male. There are so many layers.
    • MaeBe
      I bet you looked every pennies worth of that million! I'm sure, even beyond the courtier's interactions it was a very fun evening.
    • MaeBe
      I haven't been posting much, it's been a bit of a whirlwind: My wife took a job in WA State, meaning we're moving halfway across the country by the end of the Summer. I was told "it would be good if you had a new job by the end of the month", meaning I'm getting laid off at the same time. My eldest snuck booze while we were at our friends' house, had a bad interaction with his anti-depressants, and then had the huevos to lie that he wasn't drunk while accusing us of not trusting him. There's been a lot to process lately.   That said, I got called ma'am for the first time today while out. Twice! I can't stop thinking about it. Later, my dad showed up without plan to watch the Liverpool match and I was way more girled up (see ma'am) than he's ever seen me; hair, makeup, tight top, skinny jeans, and brand new sandals. At one point he pointed at my boob and asked, "is that 'enhancement'?". If you call a t-shirt bra enhancement, I guess? "Nope, that's just me!". Later, my boss came at me all passive-aggressive via chat after hours, too. I'm kind of tired with his -crap-. I won't have a job in two weeks, so it's cool to just assume I'm sabotaging things? K. /eyeroll   It's been an interesting day.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 12   “First Kiss”   It was October 29th, 2003.  My dear friend Willa had purchased tickets for the two of us to attend “Red Hot Halloween,” a public Halloween party held at the Sanctuary in downtown Pittsburgh.  The event was a fund raiser benefitting the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force.  It was a great cause but it was also the perfect opportunity to let the adventurous side of my feminine persona have a little fun.    My first question to Willa was: “What should I wear?”    “Are you kidding?” She responded.  “This is your opportunity to be the Sally of your dreams.  I suggest you dress to impress.”   My first thought was to dress naughty.  It was Halloween, so it could be the perfect venue for something with an erotic edge to it.  I thought about going as a dominatrix or a naughty French maid.  After we talked about it, and weighed the pros and cons, Willa and I decided against naughty, and instead, chose to wear the fanciest evening gowns we could find.  Willa bought an expensive, silver sequined gown, and matching high-heels just for the event.  Me, on the other hand, I couldn’t justify spending big bucks on an evening gown for a single event, so I took a less expensive route.  It is amazing what you can find on the sale racks at big department stores when you look hard enough.  For a mere 30-dollars, I found a black, sleeveless column gown with matching bolero jacket.  The dress had a slit up the right leg, and it went all the way to my upper thigh, very sexy.  Being a column dress, it was form-fitting, and hugged my curves like a glove.  To complement my dress, I wore black patent high-heel pumps, a long blonde wig, and a set of long red fingernails.  As I recall, it took me three-hours just to do my makeup.  The end result, though, was worth the effort, because I felt like a million bucks.  It’s so obvious, why girls love dressing up – it’s an unbelievable high!   Inside the club it was a sea of bodies and the costumes were amazing.  At one point, I was standing on a balcony that overlooked the dance floor.  I was nursing a cocktail and watching the crowd.  Suddenly, there was a gentleman standing next to me; I didn’t notice his approach.  He told me I looked fabulous and he offered to buy me another drink.  I declined his drink offer, but we struck up a conversation.  Being a little slow, it took me a while to realize he was hitting on me. I never imagined anyone would ever actually be attracted to Sally, which I think contributed to my cluelessness.  So, I was shocked, and initially, a little creeped out as well.  After all, I wasn't into guys, and this was new to me.  As we continued talking, and he kept throwing accolades my way, I went from being uncomfortable to actually being flattered.    The event, being an AIDS fund raiser, had me assuming this guy was hitting on me because he was gay, and he thought I was, as well.  I wanted to set the record straight, so I casually mentioned that I wasn’t gay.  To my amazement, he responded by saying: “neither am I.”  Okay, now what was I supposed to do?  I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to send the wrong message either.  While I was trying to decide how to tell him I wasn’t interested, he asked if he could kiss me.  Not sure what I was thinking at that moment, I said “okay.”  He kissed me, and as strange as it was, I gave into it, not pulling away or disengaging.  It wasn’t a super passionate kiss, but it was more than a friendly peck on the lips, and I actually enjoyed it.  When we separated; however, I got the sense his passion had cooled.  I could only assume that my response to his kiss sent some kind of message that I wasn’t interested.    Whatever it was he picked up on, it let me off the hook, and I didn’t have to rebuff any further advances.  For this I was grateful, but at the same time, I was actually a little disappointed.  Clearly, I wasn’t going to lead him on, but it was so gratifying to know I had sparked his interest.  Despite his diminished passion, and his obvious realization I wasn’t going to be his girl, he remained the perfect gentleman.  We chatted for a few minutes more, then he gave me the nicest smile.  Again, he commented on how terrific I looked.  Then he added, “maybe I’ll see you later.”    It was hard for me to reconcile how I could have garnered the attention of a man.  In my mind’s eye, I knew my feminine presentation didn’t completely mask my birth sex, so why would a self-proclaimed straight guy actually be interested in me?  Had it been the only time something like this would happen, I would have chalked it up to random chance.  But it wouldn’t be the last time a man would hit on me.  It doesn’t happen often, but it still occurs more than I would have guessed, and I'm always surprised.    I have never asked, but I have always been curious to know my would-be suitor’s motivations.  Were they hitting on me simply because they happened to be fond of trans women, or was their attraction triggered by connecting with my inner woman?  And, however unlikely, did they mistake me for a cis woman?  I guess it really doesn’t matter much one way or the other, because ultimately, I’m not looking for any kind of a relationship.  However, I’d be fibbing if I said I wasn’t at least a little interested in another opportunity to get kissed.   Hugs,   Sally
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