Feel insulted and humiliated

[LittleSam]

 

I'm writing this to let off a bit of steam. I'm enby and  recently have considered myself trans masc. I've been quite good and proactive about correcting people at work who misgender me, but it doesn't make much difference really, because my new name they get, but not my pronouns at all. I've been having a good day today, but right at the end of the day, I felt humiliated, angry and sad. There's two particular colleagues who since I came out 3 months ago as enby with they/them pronouns and more recently to he/they, have not gendered me correctly once. Tbh I changed to he/they to make my life easier, anything to avoid being called a she. My true pronouns are just they/them, but at least he/him doesn't insult me. I dress very masc and I've asked to be treated socially at work as a male colleague since I'm hopefully starting T in the not too distant future. My colleagues know this. I work in a school with special needs teens. We have 4  support staff and a teacher. My colleagues are all cis females. Today, one student was really playing up and lightly hitting us. When he went home at the end of the day, this one particular misgenderer said, "perhaps this student would respect a male worker more." That hurt. I didn't have the strength to reply. Yes I'm 5"2, can't help having fem features, pre T and a fem voice, although i try to masc it up, but even if she's thinking it, she shouldn't have said it to me, I felt disrespected especially since ive asked to be treated as a male, and I no longer do personal care for female students as the rules of school doesn't allow males to do this. This particular student calls me Samuel anyway, despite my name being Sam. So I'm sure he sees me as a non female. Then to add insult to injury, on the way out as me and another colleague were leaving, she said "bye ladies." I tried to say by lady and person, but I was drowned out. I don't want this colleague to ruin my weekend, she's not worth it, but I feel like crap regardless. I'm not sure if she means it or just doesn't get the pain I'm in. But to not be gendered correctly once, despite many polite assertive pleas is wearing me out.

[VickySGV]

It sounds to me that she is playing a game there, maybe not trying to be mean, but like a baby with its parents a few tables away from me at a restaurant the other night. The baby was dropping a crayola on the floor deliberately, and then whining until its sibling would pick up the crayola, whereupon the child would drop it again.  Finally the older child DID NOT return the crayon or the place mat that had been used for drawing.  Like the baby, there needs to be some point at which YOU change the game for her, I admit I do not know exactly how to do that I admit.  In the meantime, I do fully acknowledge your feelings and assure you that I do not mean to "victim blame" you for her boorishness.  I have met many misgendering game players and wish them all a hasty departure from my presence. Think of her as a child with messy nappies and at least chuckle about it.

[Sally Stone]

LittleSam,

 

It is so gut wrenching when we are misgendered.  However, I think it's hard for people that don't have experience with us.  I am obviously trans but even I have to be remind myself of the correct pronouns when I address my non-binary niece as they/them. For so long I knew them as she/her, it's hard even for me, and I should know better.  I'm not saying anyone has a right to misgender you, it's just a challenging reality we all have to deal with.

[Vidanjali]

Not having been there, I could have possibly chalked up the "would respect a male worker more" to there being a learning curve to your colleagues adjusting to you presenting masc. But the fact that it hurt you and you say that this person is one of the chronic misgenderers, I assume she is just really not making an effort to pivot her perception. Then I read the "bye ladies" and Sam, I really felt like throwing up. I feel you so much on that one and I'm so sorry - it's an awful feeling.

 

During the time I was coming out to myself, I was singing in a church choir. I came out to a person with whom I was very close. He's gay, btw, which I erroneously thought would make him more sensitive to LGBTQ+ issues in general. I had a total of three intense heart to heart conversations with him about my gender ID. The first time, his reaction wasn't great. He balked, "but you look so feminine" to which I explained it's not about the features I was born with or developed. Then he came out with "I just don't get all these gay spinoffs" meaning he believed LGBTQ+ to have too many letters and for queer IDs other than gay to be bogus. I gave him a whole spiel about the distinction between sexuality and gender, etc. I didn't ask him to use any new name or pronouns for me. I just wanted someone I felt close to know that about me. But after that, every time he saw me with my section mates, all of whom were female, it was "hello ladies" and "bye ladies", and one time I was walking out with a female friend and he jokingly called us lesbians. That resulted in two more deep conversations with him, but he continued to act out. It really broke my heart as we had previously enjoyed deep emotional intimacy. Eventually I got over it and reckoned with the fact that he's not as good a friend as I had believed. But it really freaked me out about the idea of coming out to others in the choir as he was like my litmus test. It made me really paranoid for a while.

 

I'm sharing this episode to explain that I really get you on this. I hope you can get into a more joyful mood by doing something you find uplifting. Please do consider having a sit down talk with this person to tell them point blank - this is who I am, and when you say or call me these specific things, you hurt me. This is the sort of conversation I tried to have with my former friend, but he's stubborn and ignorant - I always knew that about him, but never had it directed at me until that point. I told him, next time you greet me in a group, know that if you decide to say that, you will be deliberately hurting my feelings. If you say it out of habit, then I would hope this conversation would come to mind and you would feel some compassion for me. If you do, just take me aside and apologize. And if you don't, then I'll just have to draw my own conclusions about how you feel about me. In reality, they are conclusions drawn about the person's character, be they friend or colleague. 

 

At any rate, as a trans person it's a drag to have to constantly educate other people on how to be decent and kind to trans people. If only they'd take the initiative themselves. The ignorant derisively call educating yourself to become more empathetic and compassionate "woke" and refuse to do it 'cuz freedom. Some people you simply won't be able to get through to. But if you feel you have any particular allies at work, perhaps you could implore them to have your back too.

 

I hope you have a peaceful weekend, Sam.

[Vidanjali]

1 hour ago, VickySGV said:

Think of her as a child with messy nappies and at least chuckle about it.

 

Lol Vicky I read this after recounting my similar story above. This did make me chuckle and feel better. I hope it does for you too, Sam.

[hormonedifficientin2ways]

Maybe my approach is a bit juvenile and might not be the best for you, but if passive isn't working, i would be more assertive. Your misgenderers being collogues makes it really tricky. 

you can really get them if you make them think. It's what worked for me when coming out to my Mennonite family. I got them to empathize with the pain i was going through at the time. If that doesn't work, then i would try to change my perception of them. laugh at them in your head then focus your mind on other things. easier said than done, but its better than talking to a brick wall.

 

You got this, comrade!💪

[LittleSam]

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

 

Lol Vicky I read this after recounting my similar story above. This did make me chuckle and feel better. I hope it does for you too, Sam.

What Vicky said certainly cheered me up too. Haha

[LittleSam]

Thanks everyone, such nice responses, didn't expect so many and I appreciate the detail in some of the posts. Most of the time I'm fine, I'm just insecure a lot because I haven't started T and I know I don't need it to be valid, but it's because im looking forward to hopefully being on it and I'm not the most patient person lol. I have really good days where I do pull the misgenderers aside and have a polite word. It doesn't work mostly, but I feel better for doing it, and then have days where a she or a lady catches me off guard and I feel bad for not being able to challenge it. I just feel pain and humiliation and wish I could speak up. I will enjoy my weekend though, so thanks all x

[Ashley0616]

Not really knowing them but at three months they should be respecting your wishes. I do get the pain that you go through. My mom emphasis "Scott" and hasn't called me Ashley not even once nor has she called me by my correct pronouns. It really saddens me that she does that. She has stated that she will never support me but she stated that she loves me. I didn't even think you could only do one without the other. My sisters still sometimes call me Scott. Sometimes they correct themselves to Ashley, but I cringe every time I hear that name. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I don't really have advice, but I can understand the frustration.  I get it when people misgender accidentally - it isn't always easy to know.  But after learning somebody's name and gender, using something different is intentional and rude.  In my life, I go with an androgynous appearance partly to avoid this.  Whatever people call me, I just go with it... I don't really mind, but its the easy way out for me. 

 

I totally understand how it might be difficult to appear really masculine at your height.  I'm only a couple of inches taller, and I'm also really slender.  I pass for male, but only as a teenager even though I'm actually in my 30s.  I get carded constantly for things like wine or spray paint.  When people guess me as male, its often in the role of "son" or "little brother" with my partners.  And that can make any PDA between me and my partners kind of awkward and not received well. 

[Owly]

these are the microagressions trans and enby people endure daily. I honestly contemplate misgendering cishet coworkers to help them understand how trans/enby folks feel when they don't use their preferred pronouns.

I had to explain to a coworker who said "how can parents let kids so young decide to have the t suppressors implanted? how do these kids know?"  I said "did you know at  8 years old that you were a boy? would you like it if someone questioned it at that time?, his reply was "I never thought about it that way".  I don't think we have an obligation to educate people (in my opinion) but I do believe we need to let them know that they don't need to understand us to respect us.

[Heather Shay]

I totally get it.

Hugs