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I AM A GIRL!!....Are you?


Charleigh Dakota

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This is what I wrote to myself when I was "coming out" to myself...when I wasn't sure what I was either....I hope this helps someone.

 

I am Transgender

I was born with male genitals but a female heart

When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her

When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him

I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female

I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood.

When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality.

When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality.

My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion.

Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level.

Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.

The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself.

The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself.

Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile.

Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad.

I am Transgender....I am a girl

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This is so beautiful, Charlie. 

 

And, I see myself in it. Thank you for putting into words how it feels and for sharing those words with us.

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Yes, thank you for sharing this, @Charlie Dakota . I resonates so much with me. 

 

Although for me, my gender identity does have a sexual component. Many other non-sexual components for sure, but I would be deceiving myself if I tried to deny that part of me. Attempting to be a man in the way I am expected to be tends to make me feel awkward during and embarrassed afterwards. It's like the instruction manual for my body is written in a language I just don't understand. Fortunately, there are other tender and wonderful ways to express and experience love through intimacy. 

 

My apologies if that was too much information. It's scary to admit these things out loud in a world that demonizes transgender people as being nothing more than perverts. 

 

-Timi

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This is an amazing poem! I did something similar when i was "coming out" to myself too. but Instead of poetry, i drew it out. I think expressing your emotions creatively is something everyone can benefit from.

 

and again, i really like that poem!

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Thank you for the kind words everyone. I am happy to hear that others benefit and connect with this. I must embarrassingly admit however that the first line should say "Am I Transgender?"....not "I am Transgender."....Sadly, once posted, we cant edit so oops...glad to know the message still got across though!! @hormonedifficientin2ways .... Thanks....I didnt actually write it with the intent of it being a poem, it literally was just my thoughts transferred onto paper as I was having them....But now that you mention it, I can certainly see it being considered a poem. I suppose this is what happens when book authors write down their random thoughts. idk.....I do like knowing that it comes across as a poem though...but mostly that others related and connect to it.

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4 hours ago, Charlie Dakota said:

 Thanks....I didnt actually write it with the intent of it being a poem, it literally was just my thoughts transferred onto paper as I was having them....But now that you mention it, I can certainly see it being considered a poem. I suppose this is what happens when book authors write down their random thoughts. idk.....I do like knowing that it comes across as a poem though...but mostly that others related and connect to it.

ok, i understand now!

having people relate and connect to your work is an amazing feeling. :)

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  • Forum Moderator

That's amazing @Charlie Dakota

It reinforces the commonality of our community. It's as though you were writing about my life.

 

Thank you and have a wonderful weekend,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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@Charlie Dakota  A good write-up.  I've added my own bits to describe me:

 

I am... unsure what I'm supposed to be.  So, I let my partners call me what they want.  Its easier than deciding myself.   

I was born with female anatomy that developed to be confusing...and a heart equally confused.

When I look at a female, I find her attractive...I've always liked girls

When I look at a male, I wish I could be sure of myself like he is... and while not attracted to men generally, I have a very strong connection with my husband.

I can't stand my own female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...I dislike my feminine aspects

I tolerate all things gender-related out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or a woman

 

I was forced to believe my only choice was to be a wife and mother....beginning in early childhood.  I wanted it (or thought I did) but it is physically impossible. 

 

When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I hate it.  I see a boy's body in girl clothes and it feels like imitation. 

When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers, it feels better.  Better still is going without clothes entirely. 

My true gender is likely male, although I can't fulfill a male role and my sexual orientation is kind of complicated. 

My gender identity is connected to my sexuality, making both a bit uncertain.

Life as a female leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.

Life as a male leaves me feeling unable to fit into a role...that something is also missing and that I'm insufficient in physical build or temperament.

The idea of having to continue living as a female...as someone I am not...causes me anxiety due to infertility

The idea of living in my boy form is less stressful, but still not a 100% match

Looking like and living as a girl makes me depressed and irritable.

Looking like and living more androgynously has been the least stressful solution. 

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3 hours ago, hormonedifficientin2ways said:

ok, i understand now!

having people relate and connect to your work is an amazing feeling. :)

❤️

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3 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That's amazing @Charlie Dakota

It reinforces the commonality of our community. It's as though you were writing about my life.

 

Thank you and have a wonderful weekend,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

I am really glad so many have felt the emotional connotation behind my words and are able to relate to them...I love that it helps clearly reinforce that while we are all different in our own unique and beautiful ways...we are also very much a like in ways too.

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What a fantastic reference list, @Charlie Dakota! I see myself in it, but not totally. Around half of the points apply to me, but it reinforces more than ever that I am sitting somewhere on the rainbow, just not as far along it as others.

 

Thank you so much!

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9 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

What a fantastic reference list, @Charlie Dakota! I see myself in it, but not totally. Around half of the points apply to me, but it reinforces more than ever that I am sitting somewhere on the rainbow, just not as far along it as others.

 

Thank you so much!

Thank you, I am glad to hear that you connected. Also....Good morning (Its 5:56 am here in NC)

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16 minutes ago, Charlie Dakota said:

Thank you, I am glad to hear that you connected. Also....Good morning (Its 5:56 am here in NC)

No worries. :)  Good morning to you, it's 10:14pm here! 

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On 1/27/2024 at 3:34 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Looking like and living more androgynously has been the least stressful solution. 

As intersex as well, I find 'tomboyish' as my best fit in this life. 

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I find it so interesting that our community, while so alike, is also so very different. 

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Yep, absolutely.

 

One of the things I've noticed about myself, even though I originally might have been a little bit scared to sign up to a forum like this because I know that I'm only at the minor end of the scale, is how comfortable I am talking with a community of now-women and now-men. It feels so natural!

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I'm not happy about anything with my male self. It was helpful to have the strength but that was it. Socially I talked with girls and women. I definitely felt in the wrong body. Some of my toys weren't typical for girls but that was it oh and I couldn't handle how strong the nail polish smell was. Everything else I felt female but was forced to do typical male chores. Take care of the garbage, cut the grass, chop the firewood and the last two were clean the bathroom and my bedroom which weren't bad. 

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2 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

Yep, absolutely.

 

One of the things I've noticed about myself, even though I originally might have been a little bit scared to sign up to a forum like this because I know that I'm only at the minor end of the scale, is how comfortable I am talking with a community of now-women and now-men. It feels so natural!

I think everyone is welcome regardless of where they grasp the rainbow 🌈.

 

I'm very much identifying as a woman but very 'tomboyish'. I have some nice sexy dresses and things, but feel great going out in women's trousers, T's, and minimal makeup. 

 

Today is a pink and purple tie-dye hoodie with green highlights in my hair. 😂

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I never felt much like I fit in as a guy, but figured I didn't have much choice.  It was only much later in life that I found the freedom to have another look inside myself and find the girl that had been there all the time, trying to get out.

No wonder I never really understood the other guys.

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  • Forum Moderator

I'm with you @Ivy

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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I also always felt much more comfortable socializing with women than men. But what really hit me was last week when I had the opportunity to attend my first in-person Transfemme support group. I've never in my life felt such a strong sense of belonging. I do feel that here as well - but it was so much more apparent when I was actually sharing space with other Trans girls. 

 

-Timi

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  • Forum Moderator

That's great @Timi

 

I hope you continue to experience wonderful inclusion with your support group, and others you encounter as you realize the real you.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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It's an interesting conversation I've had with myself over the past couple of years, from where or how has this identity come forth after so many years as male? It's been difficult for me, but I think I've resolved part of it is due to placing the need to conform or meet expectations based on societal norms first and foremost--almost without thought. As soon as I think about things, now, I don't want to do things "as a man". It doesn't mean I eschew the lessons I've learned over the years, the skills I've acquired, or the relationships I've built, simply because they came about while I was male to the outside world. It means that when I look at the things about my gender identity, the things I want to project into the world, and what I feel great emotional reward from are different--and new.

 

I don't think I ever felt like I wanted to project masculinity or be a boy/man, I just existed and did the expected. If that means anything. Now, looking inward, there was a feminine soul hiding there maybe the whole time, I've just never spent any time on myself to uncover it. It had to poke out of the cracks and make me notice it and I'm happy I have.

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@MaeBeWhat you wrote is so well expressed and I can relate so well! Thank you. I honestly don't know how Trans people managed to come out and transition before the internet and the ability to connect with others. 

 

There are some male "skills" I would just as soon loose. I was explaining to a lesbian friend that I have spent my whole life passing as a straight cis white male. Now I'm just learning how to live as the authentic me. If people know of the Marvel superhero Ironman, I say that it is as though I am taking off my Iron "Man" suit and leaving that behind. 

 

-Timi

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