Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I AM A GIRL!!....Are you?


Charleigh Dakota

Recommended Posts

This is what I wrote to myself when I was "coming out" to myself...when I wasn't sure what I was either....I hope this helps someone.

 

I am Transgender

I was born with male genitals but a female heart

When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her

When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him

I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female

I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood.

When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality.

When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality.

My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion.

Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level.

Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.

The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself.

The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself.

Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile.

Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad.

I am Transgender....I am a girl

Link to comment

This is so beautiful, Charlie. 

 

And, I see myself in it. Thank you for putting into words how it feels and for sharing those words with us.

Link to comment

Yes, thank you for sharing this, @Charlie Dakota . I resonates so much with me. 

 

Although for me, my gender identity does have a sexual component. Many other non-sexual components for sure, but I would be deceiving myself if I tried to deny that part of me. Attempting to be a man in the way I am expected to be tends to make me feel awkward during and embarrassed afterwards. It's like the instruction manual for my body is written in a language I just don't understand. Fortunately, there are other tender and wonderful ways to express and experience love through intimacy. 

 

My apologies if that was too much information. It's scary to admit these things out loud in a world that demonizes transgender people as being nothing more than perverts. 

 

-Timi

Link to comment

This is an amazing poem! I did something similar when i was "coming out" to myself too. but Instead of poetry, i drew it out. I think expressing your emotions creatively is something everyone can benefit from.

 

and again, i really like that poem!

Link to comment

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I am happy to hear that others benefit and connect with this. I must embarrassingly admit however that the first line should say "Am I Transgender?"....not "I am Transgender."....Sadly, once posted, we cant edit so oops...glad to know the message still got across though!! @hormonedifficientin2ways .... Thanks....I didnt actually write it with the intent of it being a poem, it literally was just my thoughts transferred onto paper as I was having them....But now that you mention it, I can certainly see it being considered a poem. I suppose this is what happens when book authors write down their random thoughts. idk.....I do like knowing that it comes across as a poem though...but mostly that others related and connect to it.

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Charlie Dakota said:

 Thanks....I didnt actually write it with the intent of it being a poem, it literally was just my thoughts transferred onto paper as I was having them....But now that you mention it, I can certainly see it being considered a poem. I suppose this is what happens when book authors write down their random thoughts. idk.....I do like knowing that it comes across as a poem though...but mostly that others related and connect to it.

ok, i understand now!

having people relate and connect to your work is an amazing feeling. :)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

That's amazing @Charlie Dakota

It reinforces the commonality of our community. It's as though you were writing about my life.

 

Thank you and have a wonderful weekend,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

@Charlie Dakota  A good write-up.  I've added my own bits to describe me:

 

I am... unsure what I'm supposed to be.  So, I let my partners call me what they want.  Its easier than deciding myself.   

I was born with female anatomy that developed to be confusing...and a heart equally confused.

When I look at a female, I find her attractive...I've always liked girls

When I look at a male, I wish I could be sure of myself like he is... and while not attracted to men generally, I have a very strong connection with my husband.

I can't stand my own female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...I dislike my feminine aspects

I tolerate all things gender-related out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or a woman

 

I was forced to believe my only choice was to be a wife and mother....beginning in early childhood.  I wanted it (or thought I did) but it is physically impossible. 

 

When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I hate it.  I see a boy's body in girl clothes and it feels like imitation. 

When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers, it feels better.  Better still is going without clothes entirely. 

My true gender is likely male, although I can't fulfill a male role and my sexual orientation is kind of complicated. 

My gender identity is connected to my sexuality, making both a bit uncertain.

Life as a female leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.

Life as a male leaves me feeling unable to fit into a role...that something is also missing and that I'm insufficient in physical build or temperament.

The idea of having to continue living as a female...as someone I am not...causes me anxiety due to infertility

The idea of living in my boy form is less stressful, but still not a 100% match

Looking like and living as a girl makes me depressed and irritable.

Looking like and living more androgynously has been the least stressful solution. 

Link to comment
3 hours ago, hormonedifficientin2ways said:

ok, i understand now!

having people relate and connect to your work is an amazing feeling. :)

❤️

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That's amazing @Charlie Dakota

It reinforces the commonality of our community. It's as though you were writing about my life.

 

Thank you and have a wonderful weekend,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

I am really glad so many have felt the emotional connotation behind my words and are able to relate to them...I love that it helps clearly reinforce that while we are all different in our own unique and beautiful ways...we are also very much a like in ways too.

Link to comment

What a fantastic reference list, @Charlie Dakota! I see myself in it, but not totally. Around half of the points apply to me, but it reinforces more than ever that I am sitting somewhere on the rainbow, just not as far along it as others.

 

Thank you so much!

Link to comment
9 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

What a fantastic reference list, @Charlie Dakota! I see myself in it, but not totally. Around half of the points apply to me, but it reinforces more than ever that I am sitting somewhere on the rainbow, just not as far along it as others.

 

Thank you so much!

Thank you, I am glad to hear that you connected. Also....Good morning (Its 5:56 am here in NC)

Link to comment
16 minutes ago, Charlie Dakota said:

Thank you, I am glad to hear that you connected. Also....Good morning (Its 5:56 am here in NC)

No worries. :)  Good morning to you, it's 10:14pm here! 

Link to comment
On 1/27/2024 at 3:34 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Looking like and living more androgynously has been the least stressful solution. 

As intersex as well, I find 'tomboyish' as my best fit in this life. 

Link to comment

I find it so interesting that our community, while so alike, is also so very different. 

Link to comment

Yep, absolutely.

 

One of the things I've noticed about myself, even though I originally might have been a little bit scared to sign up to a forum like this because I know that I'm only at the minor end of the scale, is how comfortable I am talking with a community of now-women and now-men. It feels so natural!

Link to comment

I'm not happy about anything with my male self. It was helpful to have the strength but that was it. Socially I talked with girls and women. I definitely felt in the wrong body. Some of my toys weren't typical for girls but that was it oh and I couldn't handle how strong the nail polish smell was. Everything else I felt female but was forced to do typical male chores. Take care of the garbage, cut the grass, chop the firewood and the last two were clean the bathroom and my bedroom which weren't bad. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

Yep, absolutely.

 

One of the things I've noticed about myself, even though I originally might have been a little bit scared to sign up to a forum like this because I know that I'm only at the minor end of the scale, is how comfortable I am talking with a community of now-women and now-men. It feels so natural!

I think everyone is welcome regardless of where they grasp the rainbow 🌈.

 

I'm very much identifying as a woman but very 'tomboyish'. I have some nice sexy dresses and things, but feel great going out in women's trousers, T's, and minimal makeup. 

 

Today is a pink and purple tie-dye hoodie with green highlights in my hair. 😂

Link to comment

I never felt much like I fit in as a guy, but figured I didn't have much choice.  It was only much later in life that I found the freedom to have another look inside myself and find the girl that had been there all the time, trying to get out.

No wonder I never really understood the other guys.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm with you @Ivy

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

I also always felt much more comfortable socializing with women than men. But what really hit me was last week when I had the opportunity to attend my first in-person Transfemme support group. I've never in my life felt such a strong sense of belonging. I do feel that here as well - but it was so much more apparent when I was actually sharing space with other Trans girls. 

 

-Timi

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

That's great @Timi

 

I hope you continue to experience wonderful inclusion with your support group, and others you encounter as you realize the real you.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

It's an interesting conversation I've had with myself over the past couple of years, from where or how has this identity come forth after so many years as male? It's been difficult for me, but I think I've resolved part of it is due to placing the need to conform or meet expectations based on societal norms first and foremost--almost without thought. As soon as I think about things, now, I don't want to do things "as a man". It doesn't mean I eschew the lessons I've learned over the years, the skills I've acquired, or the relationships I've built, simply because they came about while I was male to the outside world. It means that when I look at the things about my gender identity, the things I want to project into the world, and what I feel great emotional reward from are different--and new.

 

I don't think I ever felt like I wanted to project masculinity or be a boy/man, I just existed and did the expected. If that means anything. Now, looking inward, there was a feminine soul hiding there maybe the whole time, I've just never spent any time on myself to uncover it. It had to poke out of the cracks and make me notice it and I'm happy I have.

Link to comment

@MaeBeWhat you wrote is so well expressed and I can relate so well! Thank you. I honestly don't know how Trans people managed to come out and transition before the internet and the ability to connect with others. 

 

There are some male "skills" I would just as soon loose. I was explaining to a lesbian friend that I have spent my whole life passing as a straight cis white male. Now I'm just learning how to live as the authentic me. If people know of the Marvel superhero Ironman, I say that it is as though I am taking off my Iron "Man" suit and leaving that behind. 

 

-Timi

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 99 Guests (See full list)

    • Ladypcnj
    • Mmindy
    • Vivelacors
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • MaryEllen
    • Ashley0616
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,103
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BUGFIEND
    Newest Member
    BUGFIEND
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bobbijean
      Bobbijean
    2. Bryan
      Bryan
      (61 years old)
    3. jlw5ju
      jlw5ju
      (27 years old)
    4. ladykirabellum
      ladykirabellum
      (47 years old)
    5. Lizzie17
      Lizzie17
  • Posts

    • Ladypcnj
      Trump thinks he's the chosen one.. chosen to do what?   
    • Ladypcnj
    • Birdie
      Shopping at the mall today and helping out at Torrid I excused myself to the restroom. The manager told me the restroom at JC Penny was much closer (I normally use the family restroom in the food court).   Upon arrival I discovered that JC Penny doesn't have a family restroom, it's either or.   The men's room was occupied with customers, and me going in with large breasts, long hair, and makeup was going to cause a stir, so I opted for the woman's room instead. I was the only one in the woman's room.    Texas state law does state that your must use the restroom that matches your chromosomes, and it's a misdemeanor to not do so, but it seemed to be the best choice (I really needed to go!)  
    • Ashley0616
    • ClaireBloom
      My avatar is from a T-shirt that I am just dying to buy.  Maybe soon....
    • Lydia_R
      I had some guy grab my butt on the ship.  I don't know how "real" it was, but I did not enjoy that at all.  Also did not enjoy the hazing I saw other people going through.  One person can only do so much to stop that when there are 10 people doing it.
    • Lydia_R
      Here is a legible copy (hopefully):    
    • Lydia_R
      I pulled this out of a stack of old military mementos yesterday.  I guess I didn't realize how cool this one was because I did so much of this kind of thing back then.    
    • Lydia_R
      This internet video thing is pretty amazing.  I'd call it Zoom, but there are other platforms out there.  I prefer Zoom over Teams because Zoom puts me and everyone else in the same picture.  I like seeing the whole group in one shot.  Teams of course is about having so many people that you can't get them in the shot, or is it?   Just saying that I have never met any of my counselors in person.  Doctors, of course I have and I am lucky there.  They are 3.5 miles from my house as is the main transgender surgery place in town.  I've been doing virtual visits with the medical doctors lately though.  It feels like once I became steady state, they don't need to interact with me physically that much.  I have enjoyed going into their office in my nice clothing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I guess a lot depends on where you start and where you wanna end up.  For me, doing the "boy form" thing has come with disadvantages.  Smaller skeleton, thinner bones, and skinny/tiny everything.  I'll never be taken seriously.  I guess the advantage is that my way of blending in is just kind of confusing.  "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"    One of the biggest arguments for starting transition early in life is I think it gives a person a greater ability to pass.  My two MtF friends started early, and pass really well.  They never got to the larger bone structure, beard, deep voice stuff.  Me being intersex (which is more complicated) and not getting around to "boy form" until my 30's, my body size and features were pretty much set in stone.      You're lucky.  Some folks pay all that and more, even AFTER insurance.  One of my friends faced the choice last year - pay for her final year of college or pay for her meds.  She's taken a year off from college to work and save up money to finish.    My medical expenses have been more injury-related than therapy or medication   The state covered some of it with a fund for crime victims, insurance covered a lot, but there's ended up being a few thousand dollars spent out-of-pocket since 2022 to put me back together again.  I've never found a decent therapist, but my husband has a psych degree among other things, so I figure talking with him is almost as good.  I do have a good doctor, although I have to drive a long way to a big city to see her.  Mostly she takes a basic look at me, and writes another year's prescription.  Since I'm non-op and only using testosterone cream for a localized effect, its pretty simple stuff. 
    • Lydia_R
      I'm a tracker and I've paid for 100% of my transition costs out of pocket.  Counseling was a huge, huge part of my transition and well worth my money.  Not to be uppity about all of this.  I'm just sharing information I have because I have it and it may be useful for others.  Here is my analysis of my spending on transition over the last 2.5 years:   Medical Doctors and Blood Draws: $2,397 Counseling: $3,800 Medications (brand name): $2,702.85 Medications (generic): $485.39 Total: $9,385.24   I picked up on the internet early in transition that transition is a consumer activity.  I tend to agree with that.   This year (Jan - May 18th, 2024), I've spent: Medical Doctors: $102 Medications: $241.52 Total: $343.52   So I'm on a much more sustainable path with it.  I'm pretty happy with where I am with it, although I do still desire surgery and am nervous about how that will all unfold.  But my doctors have me on this steady state thing.  I could seek out other medications, but what I'm doing is good enough.  Oh, I'm missing something....  I did a bunch of electrolysis that didn't appear to have any effect.  I've always enjoyed shaving and I use pink shaving cream now (I've got some lipstick blond in me).  It's good enough.  Not sure if I'll do electro or laser in the future.  The need to shave my body has become less and less.  Before HRT, I was shaving my body weekly or even every 5 days.  Now it is more like 2-3 weeks.  Everyone's body hair is different.  My beard is very coarse and stiff while my body hair has been somewhat minimal and light.  It's nice to have smooth legs and not have to shave as much.   Counseling was $200/session.  I tried one or two counselors before I found one who resonated with where I really was.  When I was prescribed HRT, I didn't fill the prescription until 4 months later.  I had to take some time to decide that I really wanted to take on that lifetime financial commitment.  And of course the possibly negative health consequences too, but I think I was actually thinking more about the finances of it all.  Maybe 51%.   I did a lot of work to revitalize my career before jumping into medical transition.  I started counseling 3 months before I got the best paying job of my life.  The pressure of wanting to transition was so great that I couldn't wait any longer.  She was coming out.  Even though I had very little money, I splurged on some nice dresses and a full length mirror and then started counseling.  Sometimes you just have to move forward and hope for the best.  Other times it is better to wait and do some hard work.  The grace of it all..
    • Ivy
      And when the pressure is released it sucks in heat.  I had a regulator leaking and it was covered with ice.  It's how a heat pump works as well.   Why do they always pick names like this?  It's like the exact opposite of what it really is. I hate politics so much.  But I still have to follow it.
    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I don't think the temperature matters as much.  Think about how gases like CO2 are stored in cylinders, and they are basically the same in summer or winter.  Any gas becomes liquid under enough pressure.  What does matter is the strength of the pressure vessel.  If exposed to excess external heat, pressure increases and can burst a tank or a pipe.  Household propane tanks are often painted white or silver and have safety release valves, because sunlight can heat a tank enough to cause a significant increase in internal pressure, even though the contents remain liquid. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...